Chapter Twenty-Two
It was the morning of race day.
Lukas lay on his hotel room bed fully dressed. The image of a pleading Katherine in his head as it had been for two days.
Every atom in his body had begged him to take her in his arms. He’d wanted so badly to cave to her because he missed her.
Every day without her was an ache in his chest that never faded.
But the fact was that they couldn’t be together.
Offering her comfort wouldn’t help them move on. And they both needed to.
The snowflake was still in his bedroom. He wanted to get rid of it but couldn’t.
So, it sat there taunting him every morning.
He’d still looked for her at the track every day, albeit from a distance.
When he’d failed to find her at all these past two days, he still couldn’t help but worry about her absence.
‘Why can’t I stop loving you!’ he said angrily to himself.
He had to concede that he was never going to stop thinking about her, but it was time to head to the track. He had work to do. But a knock on the door stopped him.
He opened it without checking to see who it was. They were a new team and he had made sure that their accommodation was kept a secret. If anyone needed him, it was likely someone from the hotel or team.
He was entirely unprepared for the person staring back at him.
‘Mutter,’ he said in shock.
‘Hello, Lukas.’
He stood there, staring at the woman with sharply cut blond hair. She was a whole head shorter than him, with the same storm-grey eyes. Eyes that held apprehension.
His mother.
Curiosity warred with suspicion, but the former won out. He opened the door wider to allow her in. Door handle still in hand, as he watched his mother sit at the small, round, dark wood table.
Mechanically, as if his joints were in the process of seizing, he closed the door and approached Berta J?ger.
Lukas was always certain about what he wanted to do.
When racing was the wrong choice, he was still certain he wanted to do it.
When he’d eventually let go of that obsession and considered the team principal move, he was certain of that choice.
Even when he made Katherine leave his home, he was certain that was the end.
But now, with his mother in his room and with no idea why she’d come, Lukas wasn’t certain anymore.
He didn’t know if he should join her or keep standing or hover at the door.
Should he demand to know why she was there or just be grateful that she was?
He didn’t like being indecisive. He was used to making quick decisions, to reacting in two-tenths of a second. So he shrugged on the persona that made him so successful in his sport and approached the table.
‘What are you doing here?’ He kept his voice polite, but there was no missing the demand in his tone.
‘I’ve come to see my son,’ Berta said carefully.
He eased himself into the opposite chair, laying his arms on the padded armrests. ‘You never have before. Why now?’
He could see his mother thinking of a response, but he didn’t want that. He wanted anything she said to be completely unfiltered. After Katherine and the article and the fake relationship, he didn’t have it in him to be patient with anything but the truth.
‘I want the real reason.’
‘A young woman came to see me this weekend and she brought me here, but she wanted to keep it a secret.’
Katherine.
‘Who was it?’ He held his breath almost praying for his mother to say her name.
‘Katherine Ward.’
Lukas closed his eyes tightly. This was why he hadn’t seen her for two days. She had flown to Salzburg. It was a long flight to get from Australia to Austria. She could have missed the whole race weekend. She had missed most of it. Why did she do this for him?
‘She didn’t want you to know but suspected maybe a talk would help us both.’
What did that mean? Had Katherine confronted her parents? Lukas found himself wishing he’d been with her if she had. Just like he wished she was with him now, which was ridiculous after she had hurt him.
‘Is that what you want? To talk?’ Lukas refused to allow himself any expectations. He knew what he was guilty of, he also knew how badly he’d wanted his mother in his life growing up and how much it had stung when she refused to see him as an adult.
‘I don’t really know, Lukas.’ His mother wrung her fingers.
‘Then why are you here? Why did you leave Salzburg? It’s a long flight.’
She stopped fidgeting, folded her hands on the table and looked her son square in the eye. ‘I guess I’m here because that young lady gave me a lot to think about.’
Lukas wanted to know every word that Katherine had said but couldn’t ask.
He was dying for any kind of information about the past few months and maybe he was regretting the fact that he didn’t take her call.
But he also didn’t want to hurt himself by talking to her and making the chasm in his chest yawn wider.
‘Go on.’
‘She made me realise that I’ve hurt you. You see, Lukas, I had a great deal of resentment, and I put that on you instead of where it should have lain.’
‘And where was that?’
‘With your father,’ she said without missing a beat.
‘Don’t. Don’t blame him when he never did a thing wrong.’ His father had sacrificed everything so that Lukas could have the kind of future he was enjoying.
‘Then where do you feel the blame lies?’ she asked, leaning forward just a little.
‘With me,’ Lukas said easily. He knew the truth and no one could tell him otherwise. ‘It was my fault that he had to work two jobs. My fault that you were unhappy. My fault that you left. I know that. But I have been trying to make it up to you. To give you the life you wanted to have.’
His mother’s eyes softened a fraction. ‘I let you believe that, didn’t I?’ She shook her head sadly. ‘Katherine told me I would need to take responsibility for what I had done to you and I see now that she’s right.’
Lukas didn’t know how to respond.
I’m not doing the column anymore.
He knew Katherine was trying to do the same—to take responsibility—but it didn’t change things.
He was a private person; he would make her miserable.
And what about when she had to report on his team?
Chances were they wouldn’t have any big results for at least the first half of the season, how would he respond when she had to be critical?
‘Your father could have said no when you wanted to race after that first time he took you to the track. Do you remember that day?’
Lukas shook his head. Those memories were blurry. He remembered getting into the kart and the feeling but not too much else.
‘One of the families that he used to get your tyres from were getting rid of their kart, so your father offered to buy it from them. They gave it to him in exchange for him servicing their son’s kart for the next year.
His labour would be free, and he agreed.
I wasn’t happy. That was money we could have used, but your father took you to the track and you listened so carefully to the safety instructions and what to do.
Then you got to drive. You went slowly at first because they told you to.
They said the tyres would be cold and you did everything as instructed.
We thought you would enjoy yourself and then we would go home but the next lap you went faster and the one after that, faster still.
I remember it so clearly, Lukas, people started watching you.
Not anyone else. It was like you were born to race.
Afterwards someone told your father he should let you race, and you asked him if you could.
You were so excited and he said yes. He didn’t talk to me first. He made the decision.
‘When we got home he spoke to me about what changes we would have to make to support your racing and I thought it was unnecessary. The chance of you getting into Alpha One was so small, what would we have for all that investment? And the days got tough after that, Lukas.’
‘I know. I was there. I could see the toll my racing was taking,’ Lukas said softly.
‘I wanted a better life, and I resented your father for not allowing us to have that but I also didn’t want to blame him, because I loved him still, so I blamed you.
My son.’ Lukas could see the shame in her drooped shoulders.
In the fact she wouldn’t look at him. ‘But I watched you with pride, Lukas. I know it might not seem like it makes sense. I don’t feel like I deserve to have you in my life now when you’re successful. ’
‘That’s why you don’t want to see me. Why you’re making it so hard for me to take care of you.’ Lukas wondered then if Katherine would one day face the same barrier with her parents, because just like him, she wanted to take care of them. Make their lives easier.
She understood you.
She hurt me.
Others wrote hurtful and false things about you too. Why was Katherine’s so much worse?
That was a good question. It made him really look at their past, how much attention he’d paid to her, the fact that he tried to make sure her producer knew that him not wanting to talk to her was not her fault.
The fact that he mentioned to Aero that they should hire her.
That he paid so much more attention to her articles than anyone else’s.
Her articles got under his skin because he had set her apart.
He even called her ‘Katherine’ when no one else did.
‘Yes,’ his mother said, startling Lukas out of the reverie he had fallen into.
He’d almost forgotten the question he’d asked her.
‘I’m sorry, Lukas.’ She reached across the table and placed her hand on his.
The contact felt so alien, so unfamiliar, but he had craved it for so long. ‘Can you ever forgive me?’
‘Yes.’ He didn’t have to think about it because that was the path back to having family in his life.
He had no siblings. He was certain it was his fault his mother had chosen never to start another family, because what if they were like him?
His father was dead. All he had was his mother and he so desperately wanted her in his life. ‘I forgive you, but do you forgive me?’
‘There’s nothing to forgive. It wasn’t your fault. You’re not selfish. You were just a child with a dream, and you made it come true. I should have supported you. I can’t go back and undo the past but maybe if you let me, I could be at the track today?’
‘I have always wanted that,’ Lukas confessed. A small piece of the scattered puzzle his heart had broken into clicked back into place. The rest remained broken.
‘These scars you carry should not have been yours to bear, liebling. Let the world look at you because they will find a strong, kind, determined man. Katherine saw you and she fell in love with you.’
‘I don’t know if Katherine and I can be together.’ But, good Lord did he want that.
Not letting go of his hand, she brought her other hand up to cup his cheek and gave him a sad, watery smile. ‘Everyone makes mistakes. I’m sure you made them too. You just forgave me after a lifetime of mistakes I made. Maybe you could do the same for her?’ Her tone was gentle.
Maybe he could forgive Katherine. After all, he was excited about this new journey in the sport he so loved.
It didn’t matter to him now who was in his seat at his old team.
He didn’t care. If someone had asked him what his greatest goal was this weekend, he would say to have two cars finish the race and maybe score a point or two.
‘I want to,’ he confessed to his mother. ‘But…’
‘Lukas, do you love her?’
‘With my soul.’
His mother got off her chair and went to stand beside him.
He looked up at her, unable to remember when he last had a memory like it, and then her arms went around him, pressing him to her middle.
A hug he had craved after she had left him and his father.
So he held on to his mother, taking all the affection she was offering, wondering if it was too good to be true and would all be taken away in the blink of an eye.
‘A love like this isn’t easily found. She’s brave, liebling. She told me things I didn’t want to hear. She brought us together and didn’t want the credit. She’s as determined as you are. From what I can see, as selfless.’
His mother was right. Lukas would never have known Katherine had gone to Salzburg if his mother hadn’t told him. Who did that? Who went out of their way to fix something so broken in someone’s life.
Someone in love.
He let go of his mother almost in a daze.
‘I’m going to go. I can see you have a lot to think about.’
Lukas gave his mother one last hug before walking her to the door. ‘I’ll see you later.’
It was unreal that he was able to say those words. He only could because of Katherine.
‘Definitely.’ His mother smiled and closed the door behind her, leaving him with thoughts only of Katherine. She did love him. She showed him as much at Christmas, with the snowflake, his mother and giving up the column.
She was so afraid of sacrificing her career like her mother did and yet she let her column go for him. She was willing to make changes to accommodate him. Showed him commitment. So why couldn’t they be together? Why couldn’t he trust her?
Love was such a risk to the life she wanted but she told him she loved him.
As if a light had switched on, Lukas could see how idiotic he was being. He needed to find her. They wouldn’t be miserable together; they were miserable without each other.
He grabbed his keys and rushed out of the room, letting the door slam on their past mistakes. There was a future to fight for.