CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER EIGHT
‘M ARRY ? ’
The word escaped as a yelp so loud a couple of pigeons strutting in hopes of a feed took off in a whir of wings. A woman approaching with a pram stared hard then took a turning onto another path.
Portia noticed all that even though her gaze was fixed on the man before her. For something strange had happened, time slowing, the air around them thickening while she became aware of so many sensations she’d never noticed before. The weight of her eyelids as she blinked. The frenetic rush of her pulse. The effort it took to fill her lungs.
‘It seems a sensible solution.’
Solution. Did he see their child as a problem? Her mouth flattened as she processed that. She hadn’t missed his frown when she told him the news, but she’d put that down to surprise. Now she wondered.
‘Sensible? It sounds completely Victorian.’
Now his frown was back, edging towards a scowl, and still he was the most compelling, attractive man she’d ever known.
Pregnancy hormones had a lot to answer for. This was the man who’d left her without a second thought. Who’d broken her heart.
‘Victorian?’ He faced her full on now, feet planted wide, hands deep in his pockets in a stance that accentuated the breadth of his shoulders and the strength in his long frame. At nineteen he’d been slender and rangy, tough from working in the stables. Now he’d filled out to the lean strength of a powerful man in his prime. ‘You think it’s old-fashioned to want to raise my child? To give it a family?’
The tight knot beneath her ribs pulled loose and suddenly her breath came more easily. His intentions were good. He was thinking of their child.
Their child. Even now she couldn’t quite believe it. Despite the sleeplessness and the recent hints of nausea, it was hard to get her head around the idea that this baby was real.
‘I’m glad to know you want to be involved.’ Even if it did complicate matters for her. ‘That you’re thinking of our child’s best interests. But families come in all shapes and sizes. We don’t have to marry for the baby’s sake.’
Slowly he shook his head, his gaze never leaving hers. ‘The girl I knew would never have hesitated to say yes. We’d planned to spend our lives together, remember?’
‘Oh, I remember.’ She suspected she’d carried the remnants of those hopes longer than he had. Sometimes even now she woke from dreams of them together, only to discover the life they’d built was imaginary, not real. ‘But that was a long time ago, Lex. Things have changed. We’re different people.’
He shrugged. ‘And yet we’re about to become parents.’
In the folds of his encompassing coat she crossed her fingers.
‘We’re still strangers.’ Seeing him raise one disbelieving eyebrow she clarified. ‘You know we are, Lex. A decade is a long time and a tumble or two in bed isn’t the same as real intimacy. It’s no basis for marriage. What if we married and found we couldn’t get on? What would that do to our child? Far better to live apart but cooperate to raise our baby than to make a terrible mistake.’
‘You’ve changed. I don’t recall the Portia I knew being so negative.’
‘Not negative. Cautious. I’m not an impulsive teenager anymore. I’ve learnt life isn’t as simple as I once believed. Sometimes hoping just isn’t enough.’
His dark eyebrows arrowed down, his mouth turning grim, and she knew he too was thinking about how their dream of a life together had shattered.
At seventeen she hadn’t believed it possible that anything short of death would keep them apart. The na?veté of youth!
‘So you’re not opposed to marriage as such?’
Portia stared. ‘How did we even get onto this? Shouldn’t we be talking about the baby?’
‘That’s what I’m trying to do.’
She heard an undercurrent of impatience and realised how unfamiliar it was now. She hadn’t heard that since they’d met in London. As a teenager he couldn’t wait to leave, his impatience like an electrical charge humming through him.
‘By pushing me into a wedding?’
His head jerked back. ‘Not pushing. Just raising the most obvious option. We might not be in love and, yes, we don’t know each other as well as we used to, but we share enough to know we’re compatible. A lot of marriages begin with less.’
His voice took on a husky burr as he said compatible , and she felt it brush across her skin, making her flesh pebble and her nipples bead.
The glint in his eyes told her she wasn’t the only one thinking about sexual compatibility.
They had weighty matters to decide. They were in a public place and she had to return to work soon. Yet all she could think of was Lex taking her hand and leading her to a nearby luxury hotel. There’d be a huge, comfortable bed and they’d find such delight together that it would obliterate, for a short time, her anxiety about the future.
Portia licked dry lips and saw his eyelids flicker. A thread of excitement wound through her abdomen, drawing her insides tight.
‘Or are you trying to tell me you’re no longer attracted to me, Portia?’
Damn the man. Did he have no sensitivity?
Not when it comes to getting his own way , said that voice in her head.
Even with the backing of his wealthy father, Lex would never have become a billionaire in his own right without a ruthless streak. And phenomenal determination.
She saw both ruthlessness and determination now in the forward thrust of his chin and the searing intensity of his calculating stare.
Portia wanted to feel disgusted. Instead, rising to her feet to face him, she experienced a rush of energy that warmed her body as even his cashmere coat hadn’t.
Instead of the tiredness and anxiety that had weighed her down, she felt more alive. More like herself.
‘Our baby’s future won’t be decided by whether or not we’re attracted.’ She made a slicing gesture with one hand. ‘Attraction is fleeting. Like our teenage love affair. We need to make decisions that will stand the test of time.’
For a second she thought Lex looked taken aback. Had she punctured his ego by not admitting she was still drawn to him? Had he hoped she still yearned for him?
He folded his hands across his chest. ‘Okay then, what did you have in mind for our baby?’
His words deflated her. That rush of indignant adrenaline faded, leaving her flat. That was the problem. She didn’t know.
‘At this stage all I wanted to do was tell you the news and find out if you want to be involved.’
His eyes widened as if surprised she had to ask. ‘I want to be involved.’
‘Good.’ She paused, swallowing. ‘There’s time enough to discuss the details later.’
‘Why not now?’
Because she was still struggling to absorb the news.
‘There are so many variables for a start.’
Keen eyes surveyed her. Lex’s taut expression eased and he gestured to the bench seat. ‘Shall we sit for a while?’
She looked at the time but knew she was searching for excuses to end this conversation.
Surely he didn’t intimidate her so much? She should be thankful he wanted an active role. Thankful too that he’d accepted her word that the baby was his. From what she heard, some men wouldn’t.
Maybe Lex hadn’t changed so much after all.
Portia sat. He took a seat beside her, but with a telling distance between them.
She should be glad, because being too close to Lex interfered with her thought processes. Yet an insubordinate part of her brain longed for the time when they’d have automatically snuggled up together, his arm around her, her head at his collarbone.
‘What sort of variables are you thinking about, Portia?’
She turned to see the martial light in his eyes had died. He looked approachable rather than intimidating. Nevertheless it was easier to stare out at the people crossing the green space.
‘If you want a role in our baby’s life for one thing.’
‘We’ve established I do.’
Portia drew a slow breath. ‘Well, that will be good for the baby. It just makes things a little complicated.’
It would have been a struggle raising a child alone, but at least she wouldn’t have had to negotiate decisions around custody and so on.
‘You really imagined I wouldn’t want anything to do with my child?’
She turned back to him. ‘I didn’t like to assume. I don’t really know anything about your life. For all I know you might be planning to marry some nice Greek woman. Raising a child might get in the way of that.’
‘No child of mine would ever be in the way .’ He spoke through gritted teeth. ‘And for the record, I wasn’t planning marriage.’
‘Because you’re a committed bachelor? Not everyone is cut out to have a family and children.’
There was stir of emotion in Lex’s expression but she couldn’t read it. ‘I’m not against marriage.’
‘Yet you haven’t married.’ Because what he’d once shared with her had been so special? Or because he’d outgrown the idea of romance?
Or maybe his single status has nothing to do with you.
‘I’ve been busy, building my business and a relationship with my family. That takes most of my time.’
‘Of course. I understand.’
His expression suggested he thought she didn’t, but it was a dead-end subject.
‘So the question really is how we parent between us. How involved you want to be.’
‘Totally. This is my child. I want total involvement. I would be there every step of the way.’
‘That may not be possible. We live in different countries and—’
‘It would be easy enough if we married.’
Portia breathed out through her nose, counting a slow breath before inhaling again. ‘Parents can raise a child jointly without living together.’
Those sardonic eyebrows lifted. ‘You envisaged freighting our child between England and Greece every week?’
‘I didn’t envisage anything! I didn’t know ! That’s what I wanted to discuss.’ She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to hold in frustration and nerves.
‘It would be easier if you moved to Greece.’
‘Or if you moved to London.’
He stared straight back at her, not bothering to voice the fact that his business was based in Greece. ‘I want to be there every day for our child. I don’t want what happened between my father and me. We were wrenched apart and missed all those years when we could have been together.’
Aghast, Portia stared. ‘I’d never deliberately keep you apart!’ She knew how that separation had blighted Lex’s early life. ‘I’m not like your mother.’
A brief smile teased the corners of his mouth. ‘I know. And for the record, I’m not like your father. If you’re hesitating because you don’t trust my character—’
‘It’s not that, Lex. It’s just that I don’t know how it will work between us.’
He sat back, shoving a hand through his hair, leaving it ruffled. The sight reminded her of the sensual, earthy lover who made her forget everything but him. Her heart jolted.
‘At least we’ve got a starting point now you’ve listed all your variables.’ He must have read something in her face because his eyes narrowed. ‘There’s more?’
Portia shrugged a shoulder and turned to watch a woman in a scarlet coat walk down the path. She breathed deeply, intent on keeping her voice steady. ‘Only the obvious one. The pregnancy might not go to term.’
Lex felt her words like a boulder smashing into his belly. He stiffened, muscles screaming with tension.
It was confounding. He’d known about the baby for half an hour yet it already was real to him. He imagined holding their child in his arms. Being a father.
Having his own family. His flesh and blood.
Could he do it? Could he get past the taint of early experience and learn how to raise a child? He shoved aside the doubts. He would do it.
Emotion seared him. The possibility of their child not surviving hadn’t even occurred to him. The idea wrenched at something deep in his chest.
His gaze traced Portia’s profile, lingering on soft lips held too tight and the upward thrust of her chin, as if defying fate to play such a cruel trick.
The anxiety she strove to hide was tangible, as real as the baby she carried. That drained away his indignation at her prickly stubbornness.
It struck him now that however real their unborn child was to him, his perception was nothing compared with that of the woman beside him whose body was even now changing to accommodate and protect that new life.
Lex felt awed, the gravity and true wonder of the situation swamping him.
How could he be annoyed at Portia’s caution? At her need to proceed carefully?
He reached out and covered her clenched fist. It was cold and he gently rubbed it between his palms.
‘The chance of that happening is slim.’
‘Yes,’ she said at last. ‘You’re right. There’s no point anticipating the worst.’
‘None at all.’ Yet he didn’t move his hands from hers. He liked the feel of it, her flesh warm now and soft beneath his calloused fingers. ‘Let’s take it one step at a time. Okay?’
Her head swung around and for the first time a genuine smile flitted across her lips. ‘Okay.’
‘One thing I can do is make sure you get the best medical care.’
‘There’s no need. The NHS—’
‘Is a wonderful institution, but the public health system is stretched and I have money. I can at least get you an early appointment with a top obstetrician.’ He paused. ‘Just so you know everything’s normal. It might put your mind at ease.’
Portia hesitated for a moment before inclining her head. ‘Thank you. That’s kind.’
Kind? It was the least he could do. Portia and their baby were his responsibility, the need to protect them a compulsion. But he knew now wasn’t the time to press her. He’d bide his time and find a way to persuade her around to his way of thinking.
‘When do you have to be back in the office?’
‘Now. We’re busy. As it is I’ll be working late.’
Lex wanted to protest that she needed to get plenty of rest, not work long hours. But he bit his tongue. She wouldn’t thank him for fussing. Instead he stood and held out his hand. ‘Shall we?’
Portia blinked as if the change of subject caught her off guard then rose, starting to shrug out of his coat. ‘You must be freezing.’
His hand on her shoulder stopped her. ‘Keep it on. I’m warm enough. Though perhaps you can share your body heat as we go.’
He used that excuse to step near and draw her arm through his. He wanted to scoop her into his arms like some precious, breakable objet d’art. He wanted to cosset her. But he knew she’d resist.
Lex tucked her close as they turned back the way they’d come. Walking like this ignited so many memories of them together. It reinforced too, how well they fit together.
‘No matter what happens, Portia, I’ll do everything I can to support you. You’re not alone in this pregnancy.’
He felt a shiver pass through her and he pulled her closer to his side. ‘Thank you, Lex. I appreciate that. There’s nothing you can do, but I’d be grateful for that appointment.’
‘I’ll get the details to you tonight.’
‘When do you go back to Greece? Tonight?’
He hesitated. He’d planned to return to Athens, but after hearing her news that was on hold. ‘No, not straight away. I’ve got some outstanding business.’
No need to mention he’d completed his meetings. That she was his outstanding business.
He let the silence lengthen as they walked. Despite his calm demeanour, Lex was buffeted by a chaotic tumble of feelings.
Awe, excitement and nerves at the news of the baby.
Did he have what it took to be a good dad? A good husband? Surely his abysmal childhood would drive him to do better for his child and its mother?
He was determined to try. The thought of their baby made him feel...different. Not just protective but proud. Determined to provide all that he’d lacked in his own childhood.
But mixed with the excitement and determination was a deep pang of regret and indignation. When he’d suggested marriage, Portia hadn’t seen it as he had. She’d described what they’d shared as a mere ‘tumble in bed’, not intimacy.
Amazingly Lex had felt pain shear through him at her words.
True, their liaison was founded on sexual attraction. True, he’d told himself giving in to their lust would finally wear it out. Yet there’d been a spark of something, surely. Something positive they could build on for the sake of their baby.
Given their history he understood her reticence. But part of him had hoped she still felt something for him. Was that pride or the last remnant of the lovesick kid he thought he’d shed years ago?
It saddened him too, when she said she wasn’t impulsive anymore, that life wasn’t simple and hoping for good things wasn’t enough. It was all true, as any adult knew. Yet he found himself mourning the loss of the optimistic, sometimes impulsive girl who’d meant so much to him.
He realised that if it hadn’t been for Portia, believing in him, caring for him as no one else seemed to, his life might have taken a different path. She’d softened his rough edges. Living up to her expectations had probably prevented him becoming the sort of lout her father had accused him of being.
That Lex had been partly responsible for that change in her, because he’d believed her father’s lies and left without her, sat like a dead weight of rusty iron in his belly. The metallic taste of it coated his tongue.
He owed her. He’d let her down once. He wouldn’t do it again. Somehow he’d find a way to make this work between them.
He was concerned for her. She’d been wan and fretful. He knew she was alone with no one to care for her. No one to turn to if something went wrong.
‘I have a proposition,’ he said as they turned out of the park and onto the street. ‘I want you to come to Greece.’
She stiffened and shook her head. ‘I already said no to marriage.’
‘This is a different proposition.’ He paused, conjuring his most persuasive voice. ‘Work is stressful and you’re tired. You’re worried about the pregnancy and the future too. Why not take a short holiday, a week or two, and come to Greece? You can relax, do absolutely nothing but recharge your batteries and soak up the spring sunshine.’
‘I can’t just take a holiday at the drop of a hat. I told you we’re busy.’
‘I’m not talking about leaving tomorrow. But consider it.’ If necessary he knew he could persuade her manager to give her leave. ‘Sunshine and relaxation, doesn’t that sound good? You’d be my guest. I’ll arrange the travel so you won’t have to do anything but pack a bag, and you’d stay at my villa.’ He paused. ‘In your own suite.’
He’d prefer to have her in his, but knew he had to give her space if he wanted any chance she’d come around his way of thinking.
Portia sent him a knowing, sideways look. ‘You think spending time there will persuade me to marry you?’
He allowed himself a rueful smile. ‘Well, it can’t hurt. Greece in spring is beautiful. The countryside is full of wildflowers. I can imagine you there.’
The images in his head were so vivid they might have been memories. Portia calf deep in flowers, bending to pick scarlet poppies. Portia laughing as she bobbed to the surface of the sparkling aquamarine shallows off his private beach.
Portia beckoning him to her as she lay sprawled on his wide bed.
They turned down another street and a chill wind buffeted them.
‘Have you ever been to Greece?’
‘I’ve never left the UK apart from a school trip to Paris.’
Did she realise how wistful she sounded?
‘There are some wonderful art galleries in Athens.’
She laughed, her amusement making his heart lift. ‘You don’t give up, do you?’
‘Not when something is important. You’re important to me, Portia. So is our child,’ he continued quickly. ‘Think about it. A short trip with no strings attached. At least you’ll find out what the place is like. Then when you come back to London you’ll feel better.’
She regarded him as if sifting his words for hidden traps. Then she inclined her head. ‘Thank you. I’ll think about it.’
Portia felt a weight rise from her shoulders as she emerged from her obstetrician’s appointment.
She was still amazed at how fast Lex had secured the appointment, and that the doctor seemed to have all the time in the world for the consultation.
The woman had been thorough, patient and encouraging, allaying the most urgent of Portia’s concerns.
It turned out the slight spotting of blood several days previously wasn’t uncommon. She was to report it if it happened again but it wasn’t necessarily a sign of impending miscarriage. All seemed well for now.
‘You look like you’ve had good news.’
Portia looked up to find Lex waiting for her on the pavement.
She should have expected him, even though she’d declined his offer to drive her to the appointment.
Reading his expression, a mix of excitement—and was that nerves?—she didn’t have the heart to protest. It was good that he was concerned about the baby’s welfare.
‘I have. Everything seems on track so far.’ It was only now that she realised how incredibly tense she’d been, nervous about the baby and the future.
‘That’s fantastic! Shall we celebrate? There’s an excellent restaurant just around the corner.’
His delight made her silly heart flutter. As if he were excited to be with her, not just because the baby was okay.
‘I’m sorry, I have to get back to work.’
His enthusiastic expression faded as he turned to walk beside her but he didn’t protest.
A man like her father would have complained that a lunch date was the least she could do, since he’d pulled strings to get the early appointment with a top specialist.
It was ridiculous to make comparisons between Lex and her dad. Lex had never been like her horrible father.
But nor had he been the fairytale hero she’d believed in her youth. His belief in her hadn’t been as unwavering as hers in him. She’d trusted him but it had been one-sided.
‘Thanks again for getting the appointment.’
‘It was nothing.’ He turned, his gaze catching hers. ‘You know I want to help. Apart from the fact it’s my child too, it’s important you have someone to care for you. Someone to look out for you.’
‘You do know I’ve been looking after myself for over a decade? I’m quite capable.’
His smile was a rueful twist of the lips that only made him more approachable, for it reminded her of years gone by when they’d shared secrets no one else knew.
‘I’m fully aware of that, Portia. I’ve never met a woman so completely determined not to ask anything of me.’
She couldn’t help it. Immediately she began to wonder about the women who’d wanted his support. Were they friends, workmates, lovers? What had he felt for them?
‘I’m not trying to make you dependent, or clip your wings. But sometimes it’s good to know you’re not alone. To have someone to back you up. Is that so hard to accept?’
Strangely, it was .
Portia had friends but none as close as she’d once been to Lex. There were friends who’d do a favour if they saw her struggling or if she asked. But none who’d be there for her and her baby no matter what. None as close as family.
Her breath was a shocked snatch of air.
Lex was the closest thing she had now to family.
She blinked and fixed her eyes on the pavement as they walked side-by-side. She’d never met the distant cousin who’d taken over Cropley Hall.
Lex was no relative and his suggestion of marriage brought with it so many unresolved feelings that she couldn’t imagine ever agreeing to it.
But he was related to her baby.
Of course he wants to be there if you need him. He’s excited by the idea of fatherhood. If he looks after you, he’s also looking after his child.
Portia didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed.
But the woman who’d made her own way as a teenager with nothing but a small backpack, a meagre amount of hard-won pounds and a determination never to look back, told her not to be stupid. His offer of support was genuine. She didn’t have the luxury to be disappointed that his focus was the child, not her.
She’d be foolish to want that. Lex’s ‘love’ for her had been unreliable, dying at the first test. But she knew his commitment to their baby was different. A neglected child himself, he’d do everything to ensure their baby had all he’d lacked.
She remembered the doctor’s advice. That she needed plenty of rest and sleep. That she should accept help when it was offered if it meant reducing her stress.
Her lips twisted in a grimace. Surely there was stress involved in accepting Lex’s help?
But she didn’t want to wear herself out then find she’d endangered her child.
He might have read her mind. Or perhaps he’d been biding his time, not wanting to rush her straight away. ‘Have you thought anymore about coming to Greece?’
Portia drew a deep breath. ‘Actually, I think that would be good. Just for a week or two. If I can get time off.’
His sudden grin and the feel of his hand grasping hers made her heart leap and a rush of longing course through her. ‘You won’t regret it. I think you’ll enjoy it there. And if nothing else, you’ll come back refreshed.’
She told herself he was right. This was the sensible thing to do.
But deep within stirred a premonition that she’d taken an unwary step, setting in motion things over which she had no control.