CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
A T FIRST THE words made no sense. Lex’s brain refused to process them.
Portia had lost a baby?
Lost their baby?
For the longest time, frozen, he could only stare into her grief-stricken features.
Finally his body made sense of the words though his brain still reeled. Gently he pulled her to him, wrapping his arm more closely around her back, threading his fingers through hers as if he could ward off the chill enveloping her.
His own body felt like it had been dipped in ice. Parts of him felt numb. But his chest started to prickle painfully like when blood began to flow into frostbitten extremities.
‘You were pregnant—’ he cleared his throat ‘—before?’
She nodded, the movement jerky.
‘When you were seventeen? You were pregnant then?’
He heard himself asking obvious questions even though her meaning was already clear. It was as if he couldn’t grasp it. It was too momentous. Too shocking.
But the truth was there in her distress.
‘You miscarried as a teenager.’
At least this time he managed to make a statement rather than the question.
Something spasmed in his chest. ‘Our baby.’
Portia’s bottom lip trembled and she bit it, nodding.
‘Chrysi mou.’ He leaned in and kissed her hair, cuddling her to him. ‘I’m so sorry.’
Words weren’t enough. He could barely comprehend the enormity of what had happened. They’d made a baby but it had died. Their baby. It might have been a happy ten-year-old now, maybe with Portia’s big brown eyes and determination.
The thaw was complete now, numbness replaced by searing pain, so sharp it stole his breath.
He pulled back just enough to look into her face. ‘What happened?’
She paused before answering. ‘It came out of the blue. There was no warning. I was feeling well and then suddenly...’ She shook her head. ‘The doctor said sometimes these things just happen, but I...’
Lex watched emotions race across her features. ‘What is it, Portia?’
Another pause. He felt her tremble. ‘I was working multiple jobs, trying to support myself. Knowing there’d be more expenses when the baby came.’
The jab of pain in his chest became an enveloping ache as he imagined teenaged Portia facing that alone.
‘I was working as a stablehand. Long hours of physical work.’ Her eyes met his. ‘But I stopped riding as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I was trying to be careful.’ Her mouth twisted. ‘At night I worked stocking supermarket shelves. I didn’t have qualifications and I couldn’t go back home. I didn’t trust my father.’
The ice was back, enveloping Lex, yet somehow the pain was there too. At the thought of a teenaged Portia trying to support herself and care for her unborn child, afraid her father would force her into a termination.
And where were you, Lex? You’d fallen for his lies and left her to carry this burden alone.
Lex was a proud man who took satisfaction in doing the right thing. He felt anything but proud now.
‘Maybe I was working too much. I tried to be careful but maybe—’
‘No! It’s not your fault.’ He cupped her chin and turned her face towards him, capturing her gaze, willing her to believe him. ‘You can’t blame yourself. You were doing your best to look after our baby.’
His breath stopped on the word baby and for a second panic struck at the thought of another miscarriage with this baby, until he forced the idea away.
‘But if—’
‘The medical professionals said it was just one of those things. Sometimes miscarriages happen. It’s no one’s fault.’
He’d read about it in the pregnancy books but had never thought it would apply to them. Even so many years after the event it felt like a wound he’d carry permanently. How much worse for Portia? No wonder she’d been stressed about this pregnancy.
So many things took a new meaning now. Portia’s insistence that they not tell anyone about the pregnancy. Her insistence on returning to work, rather than marrying him straight away. Because she had a real fear the baby might die. That they wouldn’t marry and have a family.
Pain ground through him, crushing his certainties.
Thirteen weeks and two days. That was why she’d specified fourteen weeks before they told anyone.
That was why she hadn’t been herself these last few days. Why she trembled in his arms. She was afraid for their baby.
‘Oh, Portia. I wish I’d known. You’ve been fretting all this time. What did the doctor say today?’
‘That she saw no indications of a problem. Everything seems to be on track. The baby’s heartbeat is good.’
Relief engulfed him. ‘There you are. You have a good medical report. The doctor isn’t worried.’
‘But that doesn’t guarantee...’
No, there were no guarantees. The realisation terrified him as nothing ever had.
‘True.’ He made himself say it. ‘But if there’s no sign of trouble all we can do is look after you both and take each day as it comes.’
How trite did that sound? Lecturing to a woman who’d lost a baby about being positive. But he couldn’t bear to see her so panicked. Nor could he bear to think about the possibility of another miscarriage.
‘I know. I’m trying.’
‘Of course you are, Chrysi mou . But from now on I’ll be here at your side. Remember that. You’re not doing this alone.’
He thought of her in her teens, pregnant and alone, then losing the child with no one there to support her.
His skin crawled with horror. His belly cramped. He should have been there. He should have been by her side, even if there’d been nothing he could do to save their baby.
Regret, guilt and something close to despair overwhelmed him. He needed to be strong for Portia and this child but for a moment all he could do was lock her in his arms and weather the emotional storm.
She turned her head into his shoulder and he welcomed that sign of her trust. He held her tight, wishing there was more he could do to ease her pain.
Finally he found his voice. ‘Why didn’t you tell me, Portia?’
It would probably sound ridiculous, admitting to a superstitious fear that by voicing the possibility she might jinx this pregnancy. Portia wasn’t normally superstitious.
‘I didn’t want to think about it. Besides, why worry you when I’m doing enough worrying for the pair of us?’
The steady hand stroking her back faltered for a moment before continuing. ‘We’re a couple now, Portia. I can’t promise I can fix everything, but surely it’s better not to bottle up your worries.’
She couldn’t imagine Lex afraid of anything. If so, would he share with her?
But she’d seen his devastation at her news. There was no doubt he cared about this baby she carried, and the one she lost.
You always knew he cared about the baby. Everything he’s doing is to protect his child.
Portia stifled regret. It was churlish to worry that she’d always be a lesser priority to him than his children. She’d accepted that when she’d agreed to marry him. She had no false hope that he loved her now as he once had.
Yet she felt a little better for blurting out her deepest anxiety. Seeing Lex’s response to her news, knowing he felt some of the same emotions, eased something inside her. Even just burrowing into his body, letting his strength and heat act like balm to her wounded soul made a difference.
Her mother used to say a problem shared was a problem halved. Yet Portia had spent so long reliant only on herself, she’d got out of the habit of opening up.
She doubted anything would ever completely take away the pain of losing her baby, but it seemed her mum was right. Maybe talking about this was part of a healing process.
‘Thanks, Lex. You’re right. Talking about it does help.’
‘I wish I’d known about our child all those years ago.’
She stiffened, sitting straighter and putting some distance between them, though he still embraced her.
Would he have stayed by her if he’d known about the baby?
Of course he would.
But his words brought back the terror she’d felt, so young and facing an unexpected pregnancy on her own.
‘I never did get my phone back. But I tried to call you later. You didn’t pick up, remember?’
Lex looked uncomfortable. ‘I’m not blaming you. I know I let you down.’
Did he have any idea how much it hurt that he’d been so ready to believe the worst of her?
He read her distress. ‘I’m sorry, Portia. I was young, proud and hurting. I was an idiot, believing that lie even for a second.’
Whereas she, even younger than he’d been, had taken far too long to realise the man she adored and for whom she’d given up everything, hadn’t believed in her.
That had been the crucial difference between them. Portia had loved him with her whole heart. Had pined for him for years, despite his desertion. But Lex...maybe he’d thought himself in love but it couldn’t have been real. Liking and lust maybe.
‘I hate that I abandoned you. It makes me sick to the stomach, thinking of all you endured alone because I let pride blind me to what I should have known.’ He paused. ‘You were the first person I really believed in. I think that’s why I reacted so badly when I thought you’d just amused yourself with me. I behaved appallingly. I’m surprised you had anything to do with me when we met again.’
‘So was I.’ She’d tried, heaven help her. But she hadn’t been able to resist the deep-seated yearning. ‘It wasn’t what I’d intended.’
Because she knew having anything to do with Lex was bound to hurt her.
Because even after all she’d been through, she’d never quite shaken her weakness for him.
Call it what it is! You’ve been hiding from it too long.
Love. You love him.
He only had to sweep back into your life to have you sharing his bed. And when you discovered you were pregnant you went to him. Not because you couldn’t cope alone but because, no matter what lies you told yourself, you wanted another chance with him.
Even though it’s the baby he loves, not you. You can’t walk away from him, can you?
You’re going to marry him and make the best of this convenient marriage.
He’s a good man. Caring. Honourable. Passionate.
You can’t let it matter that he’ll never love you.
Portia looked down to where one large masculine hand gripped hers, needing to hide the hot tears welling behind her lashes.
‘Chrysi mou.’ To her amazement his voice was unsteady.
She blinked furiously and raised her head. He looked...ravaged. Not like the powerhouse billionaire and confident lover she knew. He looked as upset as she felt.
‘Please don’t look like that, Portia. I’ve learnt my lesson. I promise I’ll never give you reason to regret being with me. I’ll do everything I can to make you happy. You and our child. I’ll look after you both.’
There it was. Their child. His real priority.
Yet how could she fault him for caring about their baby? He was going to make a wonderful, dedicated father.
So what that she didn’t need someone to look after her? That what she wanted was a partner. An equal. Someone to share with. Someone who felt for her what she did for him.
She was going to be sensible and pragmatic.
‘Let me make it up to you, Portia.’
She inclined her head. It might be a lopsided relationship but they’d make it work. She’d learnt not to reach for the stars, expecting love. She’d settle for an imperfect marriage because she’d be with the man she loved. And their child would have a secure, supportive family.
‘Yes,’ she said, striving for a smile. ‘You can start by putting that meal in the oven.’
His crack of laughter wound like a golden thread around her heart.
‘Yes, ma’am. Meanwhile how about I run you a bath? Let me pamper you a little.’
His smile was teasing but she read concern in those denim blue eyes.
See, he really does care.
‘That sounds perfect.’
But she steadfastly turned her thoughts away from what would really be perfect. To have Lex love her.