Chapter Thirteen
Evelyne had not slept well. She had been worked up in too many different ways. First and foremost, angry at the rigid thinking that didn’t allow Gabriel to understand. That he would find fault with her rather than question his own misguided feeling.
But there was a sadness, a regret, underneath all that. Because she didn’t know how to get through to him. She had known his issues had kept this barrier between them, but she hadn’t understood how deep and how long he’d held these issues. Nursed them.
She wanted to have hope that when their baby was born, he would see life for what it was: complicated and difficult. There was always guilt and wrong choices, but on the other hand, there was always hope and good choices too. That he was not forever cursed by something he hadn’t even done.
She did not understand punishing oneself for a choice they hadn’t made.
But now she worried even the birth of their child would not soften him if her confession of love hadn’t so much as slowed him in his tracks.
If he could not admit he loved her, or accept she loved him, he would always hold this wall between them.
Out of fear—not for himself, of course, but for those he loved.
And he did love, whether he admitted it or not. Just as she loved.
Funnily enough, this was her concern. That the deep abiding love he felt would be their undoing. It would maintain that wall, even in the face of their child. Perhaps especially in the face of their child.
Because he thought himself a monster.
He wasn’t. At all, but he’d made her afraid now, that if they went on as they were, their child would only get glimpses of the real Gabriel. Forever. The loving man who existed underneath his need to be distanced from such feelings would be all they ever knew.
She tried to look at it from an unbiased point of view.
Maybe she was letting her feelings for Gabriel soften the blow of this admission of his.
Maybe he really would have killed that man had Alexandre not intervened.
Maybe he was a monster, and because that was what she’d grown up with, she loved a monster.
Maybe these were her own traumas and issues at play.
But Evelyne just kept coming back to what she’d grown up with. Men who wielded power and force to get what they wanted. Familiar? Yes, but not what she sought out.
This was not in Gabriel’s heart, no matter how much he feared it. She had been the driving force in everything between them. Not him. And everything he’d done for her had either been in service to Alexandre, her, or his need to keep that wall between them erected.
Even when he’d been mean to her, tried to discard her, he hadn’t done it with his fists. He hadn’t even really done any damage with his words.
Or does love and lust cloud your judgment?
She didn’t have any answers, but the idea of clouding her judgment gave her an idea. There was someone’s judgment she always trusted. She got dressed for the day, forced herself to eat despite not feeling hungry at all.
“I will take care of you no matter what,” she murmured to the baby.
Then she headed for Alexandre’s office. Despite his assistant’s many protestations that the king had an important meeting soon that he was readying for, Evelyne walked right in, closed the door behind her before his assistant could follow and interfere.
She flipped the lock.
“Alex. I need you to tell me about what happened with this Gia woman.”
Alex looked up from his computer. He blinked once or twice, no doubt to focus on her instead of the screen. “Pardon me?”
“This Gia woman Gabriel was involved with when you both were young. This man he beat so badly. I want to hear your version.”
Alexandre was quiet for some time. When he finally spoke, it was with an annoying lack of emotion. “It is not my place to tell his story.”
Evelyne shook her head. “He told me his story. And expects me to…fear him now, or something. I want your point of view. I want your side of the story as an observer. So I can understand. So I can…figure this out.”
Alexandre studied her for quite some time. When he asked his question, it was completely devoid of emotion. “Do you fear Gabriel?”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous. He is almost as good and honest as you.”
“You say that like an insult, Evelyne.”
She merely raised a brow.
Alexandre sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose. Eventually he got to his feet, came around the desk and took her arm. He moved her around his desk, nudged her to take the seat he’d left.
“You’ve been on your feet all week. You should be taking today to rest.” It wasn’t just admonishment. It was meant to be a kind of distraction.
It would not work. “Alexandre, tell me what happened back then. I know he says you stopped him from murder.”
Alexandre shook his head. “I do not know that it would have been murder. It’s…complicated. And in the past.”
“Not his past. He’s so convinced he’s a danger. Something that’s patently ridiculous as the worst he’s ever done is speak a few harsh words to me—out of this same fear that he is bad. I just don’t see it. He is so good, and I love him, Alexandre. I truly do.”
She thought of the way he’d reacted to those words. By not really reacting. By essentially despairing of her. Calling it a mistake. But he did not seem blindsided by the admission. He did not deny those feelings.
“I’ve had my reservations about the two of you, but I am glad to hear you say so. You both deserve…the warmth in each other.”
For a moment, she considered asking about Ines, about warmth—or lack thereof, but she could only deal with one problematic relationship at a time.
“So what am I missing?” Evelyne demanded. Maybe begged. “What isn’t he telling me? Why can’t I understand this?”
“What was his version of events?” Alex asked, very patiently.
She went through what Gabriel had told her, hoping she didn’t leave anything out. She used the same words he’d used. Described it just as Gabriel had, without any of her own commentary.
“Do you feel like you are the only thing that saved him?” she asked.
Per usual, Alexandre took his time answering, but this was how Evelyne knew he would tell her the truth, not just pat her head and tell her not to worry.
“It is impossible to say. He did harm that man, but considering the man had been dragging Gia into his car, I do not see what the alternative in the moment would have been. I always thought… He was much too hard on himself. In that moment, there was only reaction.”
“You told him he was the same as Father.”
Alexandre’s eyebrows drew together. “That is not what I said. I told him the man was unconscious—something he didn’t realize because he was trying to neutralize a threat. All I said was that continuing was something our father would do.”
It was Evelyne’s turn to frown. It was essentially what Gabriel had said Alex had said, but…the way Alex said it now was…softer. Not an accusation. A reminder.
“Gia called him a monster.”
Alexandre’s expression flattened. A hint of his rarely freed temper flickered in his eyes for a moment. “He did not tell me that.”
“And that is what he has thought of himself all these years. You were there, but you do not believe him a monster, or he would not have been in our lives. You certainly wouldn’t have trusted him to save me from marrying the general.”
“We know what a monster looks like, Evelyne.”
“That’s what I told him.” Feeling despair that this wasn’t actually getting her anywhere, just the same conclusions, she looked up at Alex imploringly. “Why won’t he listen to me?”
Alexandre moved across the room, and back, pacing with his hands clasped behind his back. As though he was going over it all in his mind. “It has been many years, Evelyne. I have not been able to get through to him. I assumed marriage meant… He had dealt with it finally.”
Evelyne looked down at her baby bump in spite of herself. She could tell Alexandre the truth of how her and Gabriel had come to be married, but it seemed neither here nor there. “I suppose a child…brought those feelings back instead.”
Alexandre made a noise Evelyne didn’t know how to characterize, and worried if she asked, he might start poking into places she didn’t want him to be. Like how exactly she had come to marry his best friend.
“Regardless, Gabriel is not a monster,” Evelyne said firmly. “He was not in the wrong.”
“I do not agree with his characterization of events, but there is violence in him, Evelyne. I have seen it. I cannot deny that.”
“To protect. Not like Father. I would have killed Father if given the chance. What does that make me?”
“Human, Evelyne,” he said very gently.
“You wouldn’t have.”
Alex sighed. “It was certainly a thought that occurred to me a time or two. I am not immune. But I always knew…it would create more problems than it would ever solve. And lo and behold, a blood clot did the work for me instead.”
“God bless it.”
Alexandre’s mouth almost curved.
Evelyne pushed to her feet, grabbed her brother’s hands, squeezed. “How do I get through to him, Alex?”
He met her gaze with a sadness that had her heart sinking. “If I knew, I would have done it by now.”
Evelyne wouldn’t allow herself to cry, but she certainly felt like crying. Why should this be hopeless? Why should a good man be so convinced he was not one? When she’d grown up with men convinced of their righteousness that was nothing but madness and cruelty.
The door opened and Alexandre’s assistant poked his head in. His expression was pinched, his gaze accusingly on Evelyne. “Your Majesty. The diplomats are waiting.”
“Yes, I will be right there,” Alex muttered, waving him away. “I’m sorry. I do have to go. And I’m sorry I could not give you a better answer, Evelyne. Perhaps time and this child will be what he needs. I have never given up on him. I know you won’t either.”
Give up on him. She couldn’t imagine what would have to happen for that to occur.
Alexandre leaned in, gave her a rare show of affection with a brush of lips against her hair.
“You will make an excellent mother, Ev. Your care for people is truly a gift. I hope Gabriel can accept it.” He pulled back.
“If you’ll excuse me.” Alexandre strode from the room, leaving Evelyne standing there moved. Teary.
And considering.
Alexandre had never given up on Gabriel. She knew just talking to his parents that they had never done so either, even if they didn’t know about what had happened. No one who really loved him had ever really given up on him.
So if no one had, then maybe that was the answer, the things that would change his mind. Not the answer she wanted. Nothing warm, kind, supportive like she wanted to be.
Maybe this time someone needed to be strong enough to choose an answer that would hurt.
“But it might be the only thing to do,” she said, running her hands over her baby bump.
She was going to have to give Gabriel exactly what he wanted.
And hope he realized how wrong it was.