Chapter Eight #3
The question came out of nowhere, in one of his lightning-quick changes of subject, and for a moment she could do nothing but blink at him, trying to process what he’d said.
‘What? Leave who?’
‘Banks.’
Instinctively, she felt defensiveness rise up inside her. ‘It was my choice.’
‘Was it?’ Archimedes tilted his head, his sharp gaze reading every thought in her head.
‘What happened to you?’ she countered, because she didn’t want to talk about why she hadn’t left Banks, it would reveal too much about herself, about how needy she was, and she didn’t feel ready to do that yet.
Besides, this was supposed to be about putting him out of his comfort zone, not her.
‘After you left,’ she prompted. ‘Where did you go? What happened to you?’
His eyes narrowed, obviously deciding whether to let her have the subject change or to push his question.
Then he leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, his fingers loosely laced together.
‘You have to give me something, Zoe,’ he said quietly, his gaze direct.
‘Otherwise, our dinners together will be silent ones.’
She glanced away at that, her sense of vulnerability increasing.
Because of course he was right. Her default for the past fifteen years, though, was to be wary.
To keep her secrets, play her cards close to her chest, to protect herself.
Because she’d been hurt and badly, first by the loss of her parents and then by the loss of him.
Banks hadn’t helped things either, using the things she loved against her to keep her at his side.
So it was better to not give anything away, to armour herself against those who had the power to hurt her.
‘I don’t see you giving anything away,’ she said, staring out of the window.
‘No? Did you miss me telling you what Banks had on me? That’s not something I tell anyone. In fact, no one knows except Banks and now, you.’
He did, unfortunately, have a point. He’d offered her that information last night over dinner, and it had shocked her that he’d been so honest. Now she felt guilty that she hadn’t offered a piece of herself to him.
She let out a breath and turned back to meet his gaze. ‘You left. And you never came back for me, never even contacted me apart from that job offer. So tell me, why do you deserve me giving you anything at all?’
He stared back. ‘It mattered, didn’t it? Me leaving.’
Of course he’d cut through all her defences like that, with one simple statement. The way he’d said it last night and she’d deflected and changed the subject. But did he really need her to acknowledge it? Could he not figure it out on his own?
‘Why do you need me to tell you?’ she asked.
‘Because I want to hear it from you. I want to know.’
She let out a breath. Maybe it was her turn to give him something. Not everything. Just a little piece of honesty.
‘Yes,’ she said bluntly. ‘It mattered. It mattered a lot.’
There was no satisfaction on his face as she expected, as if he’d scored a point. His features tightened instead, as if she was the one who’d hurt him.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said after a moment. ‘I really am.’
He meant it, she knew. There was nothing but truth in his gaze. He really was sorry, and for some reason, her eyes filled and she had to turn away to the window again to hide them. She didn’t want him to see just how much that mattered to her.
This is dangerous. All of this is dangerous.
Being with him was dangerous. Even talking to him was dangerous, especially when she knew now just how weak she was when it came to him. How he could get under her own guards and firewalls, like a virus infecting everything. Changing everything. Deleting her, rewriting her.
It scared her. It had taken her a long time to get over his loss and she didn’t want to feel that way about him again, particularly when, after the year was over, they’d separate. This was only a temporary thing, even if it only lasted a year. And then there was having a baby to consider…
But beneath her fear lay something else. A strength she hadn’t been aware she’d had, and an excitement she couldn’t deny.
It didn’t matter the danger, she wanted this.
She wanted him. And if she only had a year, maybe that was a good thing.
Maybe she could throw herself into this thing they had, and leave the future to look after itself.
After all, she had a plan, too, to push and challenge him, and she could hardly do that if she shied away from it herself.
If you wanted to drag someone through the fire, you had to go first.
So she didn’t turn away She looked at him, deep into his eyes. ‘Thank you,’ she said, meaning it.
He must have seen her own truth, because he smiled suddenly like the sun coming out, and another wave of warmth hit her, making her heart ache.
‘So,’ she said quickly, ignoring the heat in her cheeks. ‘You didn’t even tell me where in the States we’re going.’
‘New York.’
Zoe grinned and allowed herself to feel just the tiniest bit excited. ‘Oh, cool. I’d love to see MoMA.’
Archimedes’s smile deepened. ‘How about I take you?’