CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Rafe
H ER WORDS UNLEASH the stranglehold I’ve been keeping on my desire. I slide my hands up her legs, the cool silk sending my pulse skyrocketing as I pull her hips against mine. I fist my fingers in her hair, tilt her head back and kiss her. She returns the kiss with that deep, trusting passion that shocks my foundation and sends me perilously close to the edge I’ve kept myself away from for years.
I break the kiss long enough to whisk her top over her head. The sight of her breasts, bare again to my gaze, sets me on fire. I cradle the full weight of one in my hand before lowering my head and capturing a dusky peak between my lips. The first suck has her arching against me as she cries out my name. The second makes her press her hips against mine, a move that has me groaning at the exquisite torture of her pressing against my hard length.
I make love to one breast, then the other, feeding off her sighs, her moans, her increasingly frantic movements.
“Rafe.” I feel her hands tugging at my shirt. “I want this off.”
I chuckle against her skin and sit up. “Demanding.”
Pink washes over her cheeks, but thank God she doesn’t stop. She pulls the shirt over my head and leans forward, pressing her heated skin against me. The intimacy of the contact, her arms winding around my back and holding me close, shocks me. I’ve never sat with anyone like this, bodies pressed together, simply savoring the contact between us. I can feel her heart thudding against my chest, smell that delicious floral scent of her shampoo.
I wrap my arms around her and bury my face in her hair. Inhale.
“Tessa… I need you to be sure.”
There’s no going back from what we’re about to do. The thought of her being with anyone else is enough to drive me insane.
But I have to give her one last chance before we pass the point of no return.
She leans back, her eyes luminous and warm. A distant warning bell clangs. I can see something more in the caramel depths. Emotions Tessa shouldn’t be feeling. Emotions I shouldn’t be responding to.
“I want this, Rafe.” She leans up and presses the softest of kisses to my lips. “I want you.”
I banish my concerns as I reach up to cradle her face and kiss her deeply.
“I need you to tell me if anything hurts. Not just with this being your first time, but anything else.”
Her lips curve into a grateful smile. “I talked to my doctor.”
I arch a brow. “About losing your virginity?”
“Yes,” she says with an adorable lift to her chin. “I wanted to do it right.”
I can’t help but laugh as I gather her close and kiss her as I bring one hand up to cup her breast again. I drink in her moan as I run a thumb lightly over her nipple and savor the shudder that racks her body at my touch. She’s so responsive I could spend hours just exploring her body and see how she responds to every little touch.
“From where I’m sitting, you’re doing absolutely everything right.”
“My doctor did say…”
Her voice trails off and I can feel her slight withdrawal. My hands slide down to her waist and I lean back so I can see her face. She glances down. I slide one finger under her chin and slowly lift her face so she can see me.
“You don’t have to be embarrassed, Tessa.”
“It’s not even embarrassment,” she says quietly. “She said there may not be as much sensation, or I may not…”
She swallows hard.
“May not what?” I prompt as I graze my fingers over her cheek in a gesture I hope soothes some of the tension gripping her.
“May not get…you know,” she says, gesturing to her thighs. “It might be hard for you to…push in.”
“Do you remember when we were in the gym?”
She gives me a look that has me biting back a smile. “Yes.”
“You were so wet for me, Tessa.” My voice grows husky as I remember how her body clenched around me. Just the thought of sliding into that incredible heat sends a shudder through me. “I don’t know what this first time will be like. But we’ll go slow. Enjoy. You tell me if it hurts. I have no doubt that we’re both going to sleep very well tonight.”
She sucks in a deep breath and nods. “Okay.”
I reach out, grab one of her hands and guide it to my groin. Her eyes grow wide. Her hand wraps around me and I shudder again.
“Careful. I don’t want this to end too soon.”
Her slow smile is full of wonder. “Really?”
“This is how much I want you, Tessa. You. All of you.”
Her eyes sparkle with unshed tears. “Make love to me.”
I grab hold of her thighs and anchor her against me. “Hold on.” I stand, sealing my mouth over hers as I carry her from the terrace into my room. We don’t even come up for air as I walk over to my bed. I sit down on the edge with her wrapped around me, scooting back until I’m sitting against the headboard. I can’t remember the last time I kissed anyone like this, the motions hot and heavy one moment, then tender and lingering the next.
Never. I’ve never enjoyed a woman like this. And I know, deep in my bones, I never will again.
Finally, I tear my mouth away.
“Lay down.”
She obliges, stretching out so that her incredible body is on display against the silk sheets, her blond hair glowing like a beacon in the dim light. I move between her legs, the act of nudging her knees apart winding my body so tight it’s all I can do not to strip her and take her right there.
Slowly, I hook my fingers in the waistband of her pants. She watches me, eyes fixed on my face as I ease the material over her hips, down her legs, and then toss it onto the floor.
All she’s wearing is lace. Red lace that reminds me of that damned nightie I ripped out of the hands of the young man I wanted to toss out onto the street for even daring to look at my wife.
“Beautiful.”
I lower myself, kiss her most sensitive skin through the material. Her breath catches, her hips arching up to meet my touch. I tease her, soft kisses and licks until her breathing is ragged and color is high in her cheeks.
“God, Rafe, please.”
I grabbed the waistband of her panties and pull them down, tossing them onto the floor before settling between her legs once more. I inhale the scent of her, intoxicated.
“Beautiful,” I repeat.
And then I lower my head.
Tessa
I cry out as Rafe’s mouth closes over me. The intimacy of what he’s doing to me, the sheer pleasure stirred by his tongue running up and down my skin, his teeth grazing me, his lips kissing and sucking, drives me crazy. My hands grab on to the sheets, my fingers hanging onto the silk as heat spirals through my veins. There’s a pressure growing between my thighs, a lightness in my chest, the two combining, whirling around inside me until I don’t know how I can possibly hang on, how he can keep going when I need—
The light bursts inside me as I cry out Rafe’s name, ripples through me like a fast-moving wildfire, consuming everything inside me.
At last, I sag against the bed, my head spinning as I suck in a deep breath.
“That…that was…”
I feel the bed shift under me. I hear a faint rustling. And then my eyes fly open as Rafe settles his naked body on top of me, his hardness resting against my core as his bare chest presses against my breasts.
“Was what?” he prompts with that faint smile.
“Better than anything I’ve ever done for myself.”
He stares at me for a second, then throws back his head and laughs. “God, Tessa, you make me laugh.”
His words warm my already heated body.
“You should laugh more,” I say, striving for a casual tone as I brush a lock of hair off his forehead. “It’s a good look for you.”
His eyes darken as I graze my fingernails over his skin.
“Give me a moment.”
The absence of his heat as he leaves the bed stirs a longing that goes far deeper than simple lust. I shove it aside as I watch him pull a packet out of his suitcase. Intrigued, I watch him rip it open and sheath his hardness inside a condom.
“I haven’t been with anyone in over a year.” He walks back to the bed, each step ratcheting up my heartbeat as he draws near. “And my last tests were negative. But this will keep us both safe.”
I nod even as loss pulses beneath desire. Knowing that the man who was my first love will not be my last. Not if I’m going to move forward with my life and live it the way I want.
The sadness vanishes as he lowers himself back on top of me. The heat from his body seeps into my skin and sets every nerve ending on fire.
“I need to be inside you.”
I swallow hard even as I nod. He reaches between our bodies. His hardness nudges my still-tender skin. My eyes widen as I feel him start to push inside.
“Rafe…”
He freezes. “Do I need to stop?”
His voice comes out strangled, his jaw tight.
“No. Just…” I glance down at where our bodies are pressed together. “Are you sure you’re going to fit?”
He lets out a strangled laugh.
“Let’s find out.”
He pushes deeper with an aching slowness that stirs some of the lingering embers still smoldering beneath my skin. There’s a pressure, then a sharp bite of pain.
“Oh!”
He gathers me in his arms, kisses my forehead, my cheeks.
“Hold on to me, Tessa. Just hold on.”
I breathe in, gritting my teeth against the pain. Rafe continues to gently kiss me, stroking one hand up and down my side with the occasional whisper of my name.
Gradually, the pain subsides, leaving behind a sensation of fullness. Curious, I shift my hips.
Rafe freezes. “Tessa…”
“That feels good.”
“I’m glad,” he groans.
“Does it hurt for you, too?”
“A very different kind of pain, I assure you.”
I run my fingers up and down his back, savor the feel of the muscles stretched tight beneath his skin.
“Show me what comes next.”
His eyes turn molten. He pulls out, then eases back inside me. The friction builds as our bodies move together. Our eyes lock on to each other, our gazes holding as my husband makes love to me.
The pressure builds again, deeper this time. Rafe’s thrusts quicken as his breathing intensifies. I climb with him, try to match his rhythm, savor the way our bodies feel together.
“Rafe…”
“Let go, Tessa. Just let go.”
Higher, pulses throbbing, blood pumping, hearts pounding.
And then I soar. Up and over into a place of utter pleasure. Rafe follows a moment later, groaning my name as he holds on to me like he’ll never let go.
As we drift down, he eases himself off me. I try to grab on to some thread of rational thought, to prepare myself for him to get up from the bed. But instead, he turns on his side and pulls me into the circle of his body. I relax into him, into the comforting weight of his arm across my stomach.
I don’t know long we lay like that. A few seconds, a couple minutes, half an hour.
“You were right,” I murmur.
“I usually am.”
I shake my head as I roll my eyes. “Thorough is the way to go.”
He chuckles. Silence falls again. Then, a quick inhale of breath.
“Why did you leave?”
Of all the things he could have said, that was the least of what I was expecting.
I trail my fingers over his arm. “A few reasons.”
“Like what?”
“Rafe—”
“Tell me, Tessa.”
I think back to how my confiding in Gavriil struck a nerve. Of what he alluded to about how his mother leaving affected him. There’s a pain there, one I never would have suspected in the man I knew him to be before Paris.
But one that makes sense in the man I’ve come to know these past few days.
“I overheard you and Lucifer talking in your study. I was passing by when I heard him say my name. I eavesdropped,” I admit. “I heard him asking you if you thought I would be able to have children.”
“He was a cruel bastard, Tessa. Whatever nasty things he spewed that night mean nothing.”
“It wasn’t what he said,” I whisper. “It was what you said.”
Rafe tenses at my back. “What?”
“When he asked about children, you said it didn’t matter because we wouldn’t be having them regardless. That you had resolved not to have a family and our marriage would only ever be in name only.”
I’d steeled myself for it. It doesn’t stop the slice of pain cutting through me as if I were still sitting outside the study door in my wedding dress, tears rolling down my cheeks.
“Lucifer got angry with you. Furious, actually. You told him he should be proud of you for not having a heart. For not being capable of loving anyone, just like him. That you didn’t and would never love me.”
Why did he have to ask? Why did he have to ruin the aftermath of our lovemaking by bringing up the past? The pain?
I start to roll away. Rafe’s hand clamps down on my waist and he rolls me back toward him. He grips my chin in his hand and lifts my head so that I’m looking at him.
“My not wanting children has nothing to do with you, Tessa. And I…” He hesitates. “I care—”
“I know.” I truly do. “It just…at the time, I never thought I would get married. Never thought I would have a family of my own. You offered me an escape and I latched on to what you offered without thinking things through.”
He stares down at me. I force myself to meet his gaze even as guilt constricts my chest. Can he see the omission lurking beneath the surface? That I once believed myself in love with him and latched on to his proposal like a besotted fool?
“I would not be a good father. I’m not a good husband. I don’t have the emotional capacity to serve in either role. I should have had that conversation with you before we married.”
“There are two people in this.” I lay one hand on his cheek. Something flickers in his eyes. “I could have said something, too. Should have. But I did what you’ve been cautioning me not to do; latched on to the fairy tale and didn’t stop to think about the ramifications.”
He blinks, his lips parting as he exhales.
“Tessa…if I could—”
“But you can’t.”
I don’t want to hear empty platitudes or meaningless promises. Rafe has been nothing but honest with me from the beginning. If I had been as transparent as him, we would have never made it to the altar.
Although I can’t regret it now. Not after everything that’s happened. Not just between us but with my life. Marrying Rafe gave me a courage I hadn’t even realized I’d had. If I hadn’t said yes to his proposal, I’d like to think I would have eventually made a move on my own.
But I also know it’s entirely possible I would still be languishing back on Santorini, staring out over the sea and wishing for a different life.
He gets up and pours us both a glass of brandy from the bar in the corner of the room. As I sit against the headboard, enjoying the spicy taste and flash of fire on my tongue, he brings my wheelchair in from the balcony and puts it next to my side of the bed. Touched, I stare down into my glass.
“Tessa—”
“It’s okay, Rafe.” I look up and offer him the brightest smile I can. “I promise.”
I don’t tell him that I wish things could be different as he sets our empty glasses down and rejoins me in bed. That as we lie together, skin to skin, I can feel the soft whispers of old feelings on the edges of my heart. There’s no point in sharing that.
“This…” He pauses, as if searching for the right words. “This doesn’t feel right.”
I caress his shoulder, his biceps, then drift my fingers over his chest. Farther down over the ridges of his abdomen to his hardening length.
“It feels right to me.”
“Tessa,” he groans.
“Make love to me again, Rafe. Please,” I whisper.