Chapter One #2
She saw Eve and I as two sides to the same coin. Eve might want love and devotion and a much easier life, but Grandma saw it as no different than me dreaming of leaving. Of getting a job in scientific research.
I don’t think they’re the same at all. One of those things has very concrete steps. The other depends on men.
What I am aware of is that this will mean my dreams now depend on a man.
I don’t love that.
But if Eve is forced into marriage with him then I won’t be able to leave. I’ll always be worried about her safety and well-being. I’ll feel like I need to be close. Nothing will actually change.
In this scenario, she stays with our mother. She marries Marcus.
Our family will get money from the crown.
Mom won’t have to work anymore. Eve will have her soft life.
“Eve, if you marry him it makes more problems than it solves. If I marry him it solves more than it makes.”
She blinks. “Oh?”
“Yes. Trust me.”
“The envoy is coming today!” Mom says. “You can’t just bait and switch them.”
“We’ll see if I can. I’ll try, anyway.”
“You would do that for me?” Eve asks.
“Yes,” I say.
“Why?” Her eyes are wide. “I’m your older sister. I should be protecting you.”
But just like we all know Eve is prettier than I am, we know that she can’t protect me. We know that I’m the one with the practical spirit. We know that it’s me who would be the one we counted on if things got truly dire.
“You don’t have to,” I say.
“It seems like I should,” she replies.
“There is no should. I want you to be happy. I really, really want you to be happy.”
That much is true. I’ve never been searching for happiness, so much as purpose. And I can find purpose in this, something that I know Eve won’t be able to do. She’s never going to find purpose in suffering.
The truth is, I have no interest in marriage.
I have no interest in romance. I don’t even really have an interest in sex.
I know about it. I know how to satisfy myself if need be.
But I don’t have strong fantasies of anyone or anything.
It means that whatever the king wants, however he is, none of it matters to me.
Eve is like my mom. She loves the romance of it all.
The excitement. She loves when she meets a new man.
And she has taken great joy in falling in love with Marcus.
I don’t think that it will last forever.
Which isn’t low confidence in my sister; it’s just…
her feelings are very intense. I don’t think that necessarily makes him the best man on earth just because she thinks he is.
But she’ll fall in love maybe ten times more, and enjoy it every single time. Being in the palace will stifle her. If it doesn’t kill her.
“He’s very old,” she says, wrinkling her nose.
I laugh. “I don’t care about that.”
“You’ll have to have children,” she says.
I’ve never thought about that. Because along with not caring about men and dating goes my general lack of thought toward having a family of my own.
“I’ll save that concern for later. None of his other wives have made it to the point where they could bear his children.”
“I don’t want you to die,” Eve says, sniffling.
“I won’t,” I say. “I promise you that. Whatever happens, I will survive.”
I rely on my mind to solve everything for me, and it is perhaps unrealistic of me to feel like my mind can save me here. Nothing suggests Lucian will be charmed by a brainy bride. But then…there is no real information and as far as I’m concerned, more information solves most things.
I also simply can’t imagine allowing a man to have me killed. Again, not victim blaming, and I realize this might be unrealistic. But if my brain can’t picture it, it’s not real to me.
My brain paints a picture of my survival.
“I should go pack.”
I stand up from the table, and I make my way up the stairs. I begin to pack briskly. I’ve thought about this before. What I would take with me if I were to leave. Because I’ve always planned on leaving.
There is a light knock on the door. “May I come in?”
I turn and see my mother standing there, her face lined with concern.
“Yes. Come in.”
“It would kill her,” she says softly.
I pause. “I know.”
“You are clever. Cleverer than your sister.” I feel guilty taking the compliment. I feel guilty agreeing.
“But you are cleverer than most people, Lilith. If I had my choice, I wouldn’t send either of my daughters to that monster, but—”
“The crown didn’t exactly make it optional,” I say.
“No,” she says.
“There is no use mourning over any of it,” I say. “Just like there’s no use being upset that we’ve always had to work so hard, that nothing has ever been easy. It simply is.”
I’m practical.
Above all else, I’m practical.
“You will be safe. And if you…if you find yourself in danger, you should reach out to Princess Emerald.”
Emerald. The woman who ran away from him at the altar.
“You think she could help me escape?” I ask.
“If anyone could. Or at the very least, help get your story out.”
That was one of the things that I had always found interesting. There were no rumors that he had suppressed his wives’ ability to communicate with the outside world. I find that troubling. Because in the event he is a murderer, then he must not signal his intent to kill them; it must just happen.
I’m going to need to look very closely for signals.
I pack, and I very deliberately do not take stock of the room. I don’t turn it into something sentimental. I don’t let myself get sad. And when the envoy arrives, I’m quick down the stairs. “My name is Lilith Carter,” I say. “And I am taking my sister’s place.”
My escorts look at one another. I can see that they aren’t sure quite what to do. “The king wants a wife.” I refuse to look away from them. I refuse to be cowed in any way. “I volunteer for the position. You will not leave here empty-handed. However, if you try to take my sister…”
“One moment,” the man says.
He steps back outside the house, and I hear muted voices. It sounds as if he made a phone call.
A moment later, he comes back in. “All right,” he says. “You may come with us.”
I clutch my bag more tightly in my hands. “All right,” I agree. “Then let us go.”
A dragon is only ever satisfied by the blood of maidens…
Well, I have the maiden part right. But I’m not sure that anything can ever satisfy this particular dragon.
Everything I’ve ever heard about him suggests that he is a black hole.
And a black hole can never be filled.
All it does is consume everything in its wake.