Chapter Six
Roos
“Stay,” I whisper into Mari’s shoulder. And then add when I realise how desperate I sound, “if you want.”
“I want,” Mari says. “But I have nothing with me. No toothbrush. No clothes. No underwear. And before you say anything, you and I are not the same size.”
“I wasn’t about to say that. I was about to say I have clean toothbrushes in my bathroom. And I’m sure I could find something that would fit. And if you wanted clean underwear for the morning, we could wash yours overnight.”
Mari rolls over so they’re facing me. They’re smiling. “You offer the full service here, don’t you?” they tease, and I throw a pillow in their face.
This leads us to roll around on the bed, fighting and tickling and kissing and nibbling at each other until somehow my growling stomach makes itself heard even over our giggling.
It shouldn’t be possible to swing from crying one minute as I bare my soul to Mari to laughing and play-fighting.
It feels like a miracle. I’ve never had this before.
Apart from with Lex, my mind reminds me. I shared everything with Lex. I cried and laughed with Lex, too.
Fuck Lex, I snap back at my mind.
“You’re hungry,” Mari comments after my stomach rumbles for the third time in as many minutes.
“Starving.”
“Can I cook for you?” they ask. “Unless, I don’t know, your kitchen is like some sacred place and nobody else is allowed to step foot in it.”
I stand up and put the main light on. It produces a warm glow that makes Mari’s skin look like the colour of a juicy peach. I want to sink my teeth into their butt cheek as they lie on their front on my bed. So I do.
“Ouch!” they call out. “And there I was planning on making you dinner.”
“Dinner,” I snort, and rummage around on the floor for my panties and my sweatshirt. “Breakfast more like.”
“What time is it?”
I find my phone and light it up. “Two fifteen in the morning.”
I notice a missed call from about thirty minutes ago. It’s from a withheld number. Probably spam, I think, although I’ve never had a spam call at this time of the day.
They push up and wrap my sheets around their beautiful body. “So how about it? Can I cook for you?”
“I would love that,” I say. “Let me find you some clothes.”
It takes me a few minutes, but I manage to find a pair of old sports shorts I have had longer than I’ve been taking HRT and an oversized T-shirt that Lex used to wear on our lazy days when all we did was fuck, talk, and eat.
I don’t tell Mari that it’s my ex’s T-shirt, nor do I tell them that I feel this weird pang of…
something when they pull it over their head and look down at the naff 90s print of a howling wolf on the front. Xe loved that T-shirt.
“Cool,” they say with a shrug, and then they head out of my room.
I follow a moment later, pausing only to glance around my room. The sheets are puddled on the floor, there are smudges of makeup on the pillows, and the condom wrapper lies on the bedside table. I smile to myself.
Look at me, I think – or maybe tell – myself. Look at me finally moving on from Lex.
Mari has already made themself very at home in my small kitchen by the time I join them there. Pots and pans already sit on the hob waiting patiently, and their head is stuck in my open fridge, perusing each shelf with great attention.
“Tofu, sweetcorn, onion, ginger, soya sauce… Yep, I can do it. I can make us a noodle soup.”
“Sounds good,” I say.
“I can add chicken for you, if you want?” They hold out a packet of chicken breasts. It’s still strange to see meat in my fridge after living with vegan Lex for so long. Funny how Mari is vegan too.
I shake my head. “I’ll have whatever you’re having.”
And I really will. I don’t know what it is about Mari that I find so appealing, but I’m desperate to know more about it. To know more about them. The ease with which they move and talk and smile and laugh. The instant warmth I felt from them. Their sense of humour. Their…energy.
Jesus, fuck. What do I sound like? Who do I sound like?
Lex, you sound like Lex, my brain tells me.
Fuck off! I shout back.
“Pardon?” Mari turns to look at me. “Did you just tell me to fuck off? Am I, like, using the wrong knife to cut up this onion?”
They’re joking, which is a relief. “Sorry, my brain was being a…klootzak,” I say, the time of night making English a little slower than usual.
“I have no idea what that means, but it sounds bad, really bad,” Mari says as they resume chopping.
I lean against the fridge and watch them work, mostly in silence.
Every now and then, I point out where they can find something, and I also poke my head in the fridge to see what else we can add once the onions, garlic, and ginger are sautéing.
But mostly, I’m just watching Mari and thinking how perfectly natural they look in my tiny kitchen.
“So why was your brain being a…that bad Dutch word?” Mari asks as they fill my kettle.
“Oh, it’s nothing. Just…” It feels like a miracle that we’ve got to this point without me even mentioning Lex.
I mean, Lex was the reason I was at the art gallery.
Lex was the reason I was rushing out of it without checking to see if someone was walking in.
Lex is the reason I, quite literally, bumped into Mari. “An ex. A shitty ex.”
“Oh, I’ve got one of them,” Mari says, and with the kettle clicked on, they lean back against the counter and face me. “Want to talk about it?”
“No,” I say, very firmly. “Definitely not. I’m trying to…forget all about this particular ex.”
Mari’s smile fades for a second, and I realise what that may have sounded like to them.
“That’s not what last night was about.” I reach a hand out as if to touch them, but I drop it. “I mean, what tonight is about. I’m not…”
“Using me to get over them?” Mari finishes for me. “I don’t think that. But even if you were, that would be cool. I mean, I am only here for a few days.”
It’s my turn to feel my mouth drop. “I wish you could stay longer,” I admit to them and to myself.
Mari’s smile creeps back, and it's even bigger than before. Their blue eyes are almost iridescent as they hold my gaze. “Maybe I can,” they say.
“Are you serious?” My hope is loud in my voice.
“I mean, yeah, maybe I can.” The kettle clicks off, and they turn to add the boiling water to two bouillon cubes sitting in the bottom of a measuring jug.
“My mum is my boss. Yep, that’s right, I’m a nepo baby.
But anyway, I think if I decided to take an extra week off and add it onto my trip, that would be okay. ”
“Serious?” I step closer to them, and they turn to me once the kettle is returned to its dock.
“Yeah.” Mari wraps their arms around my waist and pulls me close. “But no pressure. You don’t have to see me again if it’s not what you want.”
“Oh, I want,” I say, and I dive down to kiss their lips.
There are more kisses as Mari adds the liquid to the soup.
I nibble on their shoulder as they stir in the noodles.
When they’re frying tofu, I wrap my arms around their waist and lean my head against the top of their head.
I massage their shoulders as they chop up spring onions and coriander as toppings.
And then, as the soup simmers, Mari turns to face me and we share the slowest, sweetest kiss of my life.
You’re wrong, my brain pipes up out of nowhere while Mari’s lips are still on mine. You had kisses like this with Lex. In the very beginning, it was just as perfect with Lex as this is with Mari.
So that I don’t yell ‘fuck off’ out loud again, I instead add a lot more passion and force to my kiss with Mari. It’s not a surprise when they pull away, surprised.
“Ready to go again?” they ask, and they look just as willing for that to happen as I am, even if it’s for all the wrong reasons.
But I’m determined to get Lex out of my brain, and if I have to fuck xem out of it, so be it.
“But first we eat. We need nourishment and electrolytes and all those aftercarey good things.”
I reluctantly disentangle my limbs from theirs and find some bowls, forks, and spoons.
“I should be telling you about aftercare,” I say. “After how that played out earlier.”
Mari shrugs as they serve up the soup. “I’m a switch too, remember. And I like to give out aftercare. It’s one of my favourite parts of kink.”
There, I tell my brain firmly. That’s something Lex was never very good at. That’s why I need to forget all about xem and focus on Mari, who loves aftercare and has made me soup and wants to maybe even change their plans to see me more…
“Are you okay?” Mari asks, and I realise they’ve picked up the bowls and are already one foot out of the kitchen, but I’m not following.
“Yep, yeah. Sorry,” I smile as wide as I can and take one of the bowls. “Just a bit tired.”
“Then we’ll eat and sleep, a worthy second option to eating and fucking.
” Mari winks at me and then turns to enter my living room.
I follow more determined than ever to focus on Mari.
On the soup they just made me. On sleeping with them afterwards, and maybe waking up to fuck them again in the morning.
On being present, and absolutely not thinking about Lex.