Chapter Fourteen
Roos
“So that’s our focus right now,” I tell Mari as I stroke the back of their hand with my thumb.
“I still can’t believe you started your own non-profit, and it’s now as big as it is,” they say, their eyes full of an admiration I’m not sure I deserve.
“It’s not that big.”
“You said you have eleven employees and a whole office to manage. That you’ve helped hundreds of kids get the gender-affirming care they needed. No, you’re right, that’s not big, that’s huge!” Mari leans forward as if to ensure their praise lands in my ears.
I blush and look down at our joined hands.
We’ve been entwined on this bed – fully clothed – for nearly an hour.
We’ve talked about their life back at home, their family, and their dream to one day own their own studio that’s as successful as their mum’s.
And we’ve talked more about my childhood, about growing up trans in a farming village, how my parents didn’t support me because the community didn’t, how I miss my parents desperately, and my two younger sisters, who I fear don’t remember me, at least not how I want to be remembered.
How, despite it all, I still hope that one day I can see them again and that maybe, maybe things will have changed.
Chatting with Mari is easy. What’s not as easy as I’d hoped is ensuring I don’t mention Lex at any given moment.
When xe had left my apartment earlier – because there was no way I was going to let xem move back in, just like that – I had felt almost every emotion under the sun.
Doubt that I was doing the right thing starting a dialogue with xem again.
Fear it would all end in tears – my tears – but also fear that something really bad had happened to Lex to make xem come running back.
Confusion and, yes, a small but sharp spike of jealousy, about the history Lex and Mari apparently share.
Relief that Lex had returned and delight that xe was saying things I’d wanted xem to say for six long months.
Excitement that Lex said xe would call me tonight, to talk some more.
Annoyance that that excites me. Hope that Mari would understand, if not about Lex, but about how I’m polyamorous.
I’m feeling many of these things now as I realise this is the right time for me to talk about that last matter.
“Mari,” I say, looking up and into their pure blue eyes. “I have to tell you something.”
“Oh.” Mari pulls back slightly.
“It’s not bad.” I pause. “At least, I don’t think it is, but I guess it could be. That depends on how you view…certain things. I don’t know why, but I get this sense that you will be okay with what I tell you even if you don’t feel the same way.”
“Roos, you are being uncharacteristically indirect right now. Just tell me.”
“I’m polyamorous,” I blurt. Their expression is blank, their eyes unblinking. “I’m ethically non-monogamous. It means I have sex and sometimes relationships with more than – ”
“I know what it means,” Mari interjects. “I’m just…processing.”
Still, they’re not revealing anything. There’s no frown, but there also isn’t a smile. I lean back against the headboard and wait. “Process ahead.”
Finally, they turn to look at me, their eyes slightly narrowed. “Have you always been poly?”
“Yes, although I didn’t know it when I was younger, of course. But since I came to Amsterdam and started dating, since my transition, yes, I’ve always been poly.”
Mari opens their mouth but then closes it again. They’re looking past me at some indeterminate spot on the wall by the bed.
“Are you okay?” I ask eventually.
“Yeah, I am,” they say, and their chest lowers with a deep exhale. “I’m okay with it. I mean, I guess I’m also poly.”
“You guess?”
“Well, I haven’t had a relationship that’s been more than sex for a long time, but I’ve had more than one lover at once, if that makes sense.”
“You mean, group sex?”
“No. Well, yes, that too, but I mean, I’ve always been clear with partners when there are other people I’m sleeping with.”
“But you’ve not labelled yourself as poly or ENM?”
“No,” Mari says thoughtfully. “Like I said, there’s been no need. I haven’t had any serious relationships since… Well, for a long time.”
Lex’s name seems to fill the room without it being spoken.
“So, it’s not a problem for you?”
Mari shakes their head, making their short bob bounce. “No,” they say, “I don’t think so. I mean, are you seeing anybody else right now?”
“Nobody serious, no,” I say. “I’ve not really wanted to date recently, and it’s been enough to play with some partners I’ve met on K1NK.”
“Okay,” Mari says, and I feel like their attention is still being pulled in another direction.
Until it’s not. They blink, and their eyes land back on mine. I almost feel the warmth of their return.
“I just want us to enjoy each other for as long as we can,” Mari says.
“I want that too.” I squeeze their hand.
“Speaking of…” They stretch out their legs, hooking one of them over mine. “I was sort of offered a job here.”
“What?” I sit up a little more. “In Amsterdam?”
“Yeah,” Mari says with a small smile. “Some guy from Pink Elephant studio. Have you heard of it?”
“Err, yeah!” I exclaim. “Mari, that’s one of the best tattoo studios in the city. It’s famous!”
“Really?” They shift their weight and retrieve a card from their back pocket. “This dude.”
“Ivan Krelov,” I read. “Yep, he’s been in magazines and on TV and stuff. He really offered you a job?”
“Kind of. He offered me a chair to rent. It’s not exactly the same as a job, but it’s still an interesting opportunity.”
My stomach starts to swim, and I can’t tell if it’s with excitement or anxiety. If Mari were to stick around, that would change… nothing? Something? Everything?
“Do you want to stay?” I ask tentatively, too fearful to hold their eye contact. I stroke the X on the back of their hand.
“I don’t know,” they say softly. “I feel really at home here. I can’t quite describe it.
It just feels exciting, like there’s all this untapped potential I’m never going to experience at home.
I mean, I could move to a city in the UK.
Bristol is just down the road, and my mum has connections in Manchester, Birmingham, and loads in London, but still, I just don’t…
I don’t feel pulled to go to any of those places. ”
“Do you…do you feel pulled to stay here?” I brave a little look at them.
“Yeah…” They hold my gaze. “I do.”
It’s not because of me, I tell myself. Amsterdam is a beautiful city. Lex often talked about the creative energy that flows through it. I have no doubt it’s inspiring for artistic people like Lex and Mari.
“And I don’t expect anything from you if I did stay,” Mari adds quickly.
“You wouldn’t want to keep seeing me?” The hurt is louder in my voice than I would like.
Mari’s expression changes, their face breaking into a giddy smile. “Fuck, you know I would want that. So much. I just didn’t want to presume.”
I laugh with relief and joy and possibility. “Thank fuck,” I say.
And then we’re melting towards each other, our bodies finally surrendering to the magnetic pull we share.
“You still want me to be in charge?” Mari says as they roll their body on top of mine.
I nod. “Yes, please.”
“Okay, well, I may be rusty, and I’m not totally in a Dom state of mind…”
“Then we don’t have to.” I cup their face and stare intently into their eyes. “I mean it. You don’t have to do that if it’s not what you want.”
“But you want it.”
“I want you. I want you, as you are, in this moment.”
“Fuck, when you say things like that…” Mari looks away, and I expect them to continue talking, but they don’t.
“Let’s just fuck,” I say before lifting my head to kiss their exposed neck. “Let’s just have some good old-fashioned vanilla sex.”
“Vanilla?” Mari turns back to me.
“Yeah.” I wrap my legs around their body. “Would that be okay?”
“That would be more than okay,” Mari says before they dive down to kiss me.
*****
Turns out even vanilla sex is pretty fucking amazing when it’s with someone you can’t get enough of.
First, we used our fingers to get each other ready, wet, and desperate.
Then Mari rode my thigh until there was sweat sliding down their body, between their breasts.
And finally, I rolled them over and took them as they lay prone on the bed.
After we cleaned up and Mari ordered room service, we put on matching white hotel robes and returned to the bed.
Waiting for our food, we held hands again, and I told them all about my favourite places in Amsterdam.
The restaurants we’d have to try. The parks I’d show them around.
The best shops for bread, for coffee, for sweet treats, and for buying a second-hand bike, which absolutely should be their first purchase.
We continued this conversation while we ate, and then we showered together, where again our hands took us to heaven and back.
Apparently, I like vanilla sex. A lot.
And now, I’m clean and dry, lying in Mari’s huge hotel bed and listening to them snore lightly beside me.
My phone is in my hand and I’m trying not to think too much about how Lex hasn’t called like xe said xe would.
I’m trying not to imagine xem hooking up with one of xir other exes, or xem spending the night at QISS.
I’m almost tempted to text Joel to see if xe has shown up there, but I’m too embarrassed to expose myself like that, even to him.
I thought not talking about Lex with Mari would make xem shrink in my mind.
I thought it would enable whatever connection we share to grow and strengthen and blossom.
But now it feels like Lex is haunting even this sweet moment where Mari’s feet press up against my leg.
I should feel vindicated that xe hasn’t texted or called like xe said xe would.
I planned on ignoring the contact anyway, so why do I feel so let down, so hurt, so… fucking affected.
I sigh, and that prompts Mari to roll over and face me. They nuzzle in closer, their mouth coming to rest on the curve of my shoulder.
“You okay?” they mumble sleepily.
“Yeah,” I say, and I slide my phone under the pillow.
Because I should be okay. I should be more than okay with a lover like Mari sharing their bed with me.
I should be more than okay to see, yet again, Lex’s true colours shining through, just like the song my mum used to sing while kneading fresh bread or washing dishes. I should be ready to move on already.
I should be. But I fear I’m not.