Chapter Thirty-One
Roos
“So just to summarise,” Dr Timmers says with a kind smile. “Your MRI showed no abnormalities, which is a good sign, but that does mean we want to do some more tests so we can understand what happened.”
“And find out if it’s epilepsy?” I prompt. I glance briefly at Lex and Mari, who are both standing at the end of my bed – although not close together, of course – and I can see Lex is following every word of our conversation intently. Mari, however, is clueless because we’re talking in Dutch.
“Correct. We’d like to do two types of EEGs. One just like we did yesterday, after you came in and the seizure passed. But also a video EEG, which will involve you coming in for an overnight stay in our sleep clinic.”
“Okay,” I say, trying to absorb all this information, which isn’t easy because my brain feels like stamppot.
“But don’t worry,” Dr Timmers says. He’s a middle-aged man with light brown skin and tight grey curls atop his head. “Letters about those appointments will get sent to you. You don’t need to do anything.”
“And what about my medication?” I ask. I vaguely recall talking about it with him when I came round, but I would like further reassurance now I’m slightly more awake. “My estrogen? I can keep taking it?”
“Yes.” He smiles at me. “Please keep taking everything you were already taking. As we discussed yesterday, it is possible that the HRT is a contributing factor, because we do find sometimes a correlation between low testosterone levels and seizure risk in epileptic patients. In any case, further tests and research will help us figure that out. The most important thing you can do is try to avoid stress. Rest, relax, look after yourself.”
I look at Lex and Mari again. Mari’s arms are folded, and they’re very deliberately not looking at Lex, who is offering me a supportive smile. “We’ll make sure she does,” Lex adds in Dutch.
Mari’s eyes flit between xem and me, confused.
“I’m saying we’re going to make sure that Roos rests and avoids stress,” Lex explains in English.
“Well, yeah,” Mari says. “Duh. Of course.”
“I’m happy to hear that.” Dr Timmers steps back and continues in English. “Good luck, Roos and your…” He looks at Mari and Lex. “Partners.”
Lex cocks an eyebrow at him, and I can tell xe is trying not to smirk and failing. Mari moves to come closer to me, finding my hand with theirs.
“Thank you, Dr Timmers,” I say, and then he leaves the room.
“Well, I think we suitably queered up his day,” Lex says dryly.
“He was very nice,” I say, not exactly in the mood for Lex’s commentary. I’m also not really in the mood to be coddled by Mari, which is what they’re trying to do now, stroking my forearm with one hand while the other locks with my fingers.
“I wasn’t saying he wasn’t nice,” Lex says with a far too familiar defensiveness. “Just that he wasn’t used to how queer we are.”
“Even I’m not used to how queer you are,” Mari snaps, and even though the way they’re running their fingertips up my arm is irritating me, a small laugh escapes me.
“I didn’t realise we were in a queer-off,” Lex says, crossing xir arms and standing with xir feet further apart.
“Enough,” I say, but it lacks the force I hoped it would. “Can you both just…not? I want to go home. Please.”
“Of course,” Mari says, and they reach over to help me move my legs off the bed, like I can’t walk or something.
“Jesus, I’m fine, Mari!” I snap, and this time, there is an edge in my voice. A sharp, serrated one. Mari steps back. “I can walk. I’m just tired.”
It should be impossible, considering how much I’ve slept in the last 36 hours, but I really do feel like I could sleep for a whole year.
“Before we go,” Lex says, and I sit back down on the bed, “we need to know what’s happening next.”
“Next?” I raise my eyebrows. “Next, I go home, call in sick for work like the doctor advised, and I take a really long nap in my own bed.”
“Yep, sure, you can do that, but Mari and I, we both want to help you.”
“Great,” I sigh and close my eyes. “Make me some cookies. Do some laundry for me. Whatever.”
“No.” Lex’s voice gets closer. “One of us should be with you. Move in with you.”
My eyes open. “What? Why?”
“In case it happens again,” Mari says. “You shouldn’t be living on your own until we know what we’re dealing with.”
“The doctor didn’t say anything about me needing to live with someone.”
“Well, that might be because he thinks we all live together,” Lex says in an almost shy tone.
“Why would he think that?” I glare at Lex, as does Mari.
“Because I told him as much. That we were all partners. When you were admitted.” Xe shrugs.
“Why did you say that?” I demand as Mari says, “What the fuck!”
“It was just easier to say that so we could both stay with you. If he thought we were just your friends, I was worried he’d send us away.”
“For fuck’s sake,” Mari mutters.
“Well, we’ll just go and talk to him or a nurse and ask them what they think is best,” I say, standing up again.
“Or,” Lex drags out the R in the word. “Or you could just let one of us move in with you and look after you anyway. And I am happy to be the person.”
“Of course you are,” Mari practically hisses at xem. Their voice softens when they turn to me. “I would be happy to as well, Roos. And I think it makes more sense. We don’t have the history you and Lex have. It wouldn’t be stressful. And the doctor says you need to avoid stress.”
The fullness in my head increases. I know I shouldn’t be letting this conversation and the dynamic between Lex and Mari get to me, but it’s been a wild few days. I have a lot to think about, and I don’t feel like I have the space to do that necessary thinking.
I’m also terrified. Terrified it’s going to happen again, and I won’t be in a safe place like I was when I was in bed with Lex and Mari at QISS.
I’m scared it’s going to happen out on the street.
I’m scared it’s going to make me fall down some stairs or bang my head in a life-threatening way.
I’m scared it will happen when I’m on my own, and I’ll choke on my own tongue, or some other awful thing will happen that I haven’t even thought about.
It's all too terrifying. All I want to do is go home and sleep for a week and hope that when I wake up it was all a bad dream.
“Honestly, right now,” I sigh, “I really want to be on my own.”
“Not going to happen.” Lex shakes xir head.
“For once, I agree with xem. Not going to happen,” Mari repeats.
“So I have to choose?” I hold my hands up to show them both how hopeless this makes me feel.
“Yep,” Lex nods.
“Afraid so,” Mari adds, and at least they look apologetic about it.
The obvious choice would be Mari. They’re right.
My history with Lex makes it automatically stressful.
But Mari and I don’t know each other. We’ve never lived together.
There’s so much I wanted to do with Mari before I even entertained the thought of living together.
Because what if we can’t live together? What if doing so too soon ruins everything and means we never get the chance that I thought we were finally going to have?
But Lex. Yes, Lex knows me inside and out. Yes, living together with Lex was one of the best times of my life. But when xe left, it was also the worst time of my life, after the trauma of losing my family. How can I trust Lex to stick around? What makes xem reliable all of a sudden?
“I can’t choose,” I say, sounding as pathetic as I feel. “You have to do it for me.”
“What?” Lex releases xir arms.
“Shit,” Mari hisses.
“I can’t choose between you, so one of you has to make the decision for me. Or, you know, do it together.”
“Maybe we could do shifts?” Mari suggests.
“No,” Lex says firmly.
“You just expect me to rescind my offer, don’t you?” Mari puts their hands on their hips and turns towards Lex.
“It would be the decent thing to do.”
“Oh, because you are an authority on doing the decent thing, are you!?”
“Don’t attack me.” Lex squares xir body towards Mari. “That’s the last thing Roos needs.”
“No!” I lift my hands again, but this time, every single one of my muscles is tense. “This is the last thing I need. You two arguing like this.”
They both mumble apologies, eyes downcast.
“And if you can’t decide for me, then there’s only one other solution,” I say, feeling more light-headed than ever. I can’t believe I’m about to say this. “You will both move in with me.”
“What?” Mari’s head snaps to me as Lex’s jaw drops.
“And you will fucking learn to get on, or so help me, I will kick you both out and ask Joel to move in with me for a few weeks until I know for sure what’s going on.”
That threat seems to carry weight with both of them, and more apologies are said, although I note they don’t actually acknowledge what I’m suggesting we do.
But maybe there is nothing more to say. Maybe they’re also so tired, they can’t think straight. Maybe they know that if they push this any further, I will send them both away. Maybe they realise that the best thing they could do for me right now is move past whatever dark history they share.
“Where’s my coat?” I ask, breaking the silence.
“Here.” Lex moves to get it from the back of the door.
“I’ve got your bag,” Mari says, lifting the hold-all one of them retrieved from my apartment with a change of clothes so I don’t have to – thank fuck – walk out of this hospital in bondage gear.
“Well, let’s go then,” I say, giving them a look in turn.
They both nod, and then they’re at my side as we leave the hospital together.