Chapter Thirty-Eight
Roos
There was a moment up on that stage when I wasn’t sure how we would get Mari and Lex to an aftercare room.
And immediately after that, I had another moment when I didn’t want to move Mari and Lex.
The way Mari had their arm around Lex, kissing and licking xir tears off xir face, it was a scene I never thought I’d see.
It was a scene that made me fall deeper in love with both of them.
Because of course I’m in love with them both. How could I not be, after everything they’ve done for me the last few months? How they’ve shown up and stayed put.
Maybe I should give Lex longer to prove xemself. Maybe I should give Mari and me more time to get to know each other during a less turbulent time. But I can’t deny how I feel, and having them both at my feet, bent over for my pleasure? It’s too late. I already love them both with my whole heart.
But we had to leave the stage. It was somebody else’s turn to have fun, and with Bo and Mother Maria’s help, we managed to lift their limp bodies and lead them to an aftercare room.
That’s where we are now. I’ve already showered with Mari, taking great care to wash their red arse and thighs.
Taking my time running water and my hand between their legs.
Kissing them slowly, lazily under the water’s spray.
After, I laid them on the bed and dried them as delicately as I could.
Their eyes were already growing heavy as I applied aloe vera balm to their flanks, and by the time I had moisturised their feet and hands, they were already asleep.
I had thought about suggesting we all shower together, all three of us.
After what I’d seen at the end of our scene, it seemed like a good idea.
But I didn’t want to push things. I didn’t want to push my luck.
I didn’t want to push them to a place so far away, we couldn’t return to whatever olive branch that moment had been.
I’ve left it up to Mari and Lex to sort out their issues thus far, and I sense I’m right to continue doing so.
And now I’m showering with Lex. In silence, I wash xir body with the same gentleness I did Mari’s, and just like Mari, Lex is watching me sleepily, eyes half-closed, xir body swaying under the shower head.
I have so many questions for xem. I want to know why xe chose to submit tonight.
I want to know what it felt like. I want to know why xe started crying at the end.
Was it just the power of the scene, or was it something else?
I want to know what xe was thinking when Mari started kissing xir tears away.
But I don’t say anything. I stick to my obligation of washing and soothing and taking care of Lex, which I do as I turn the shower off, wrap xem in a fluffy towel, and lead xem to the bed where Mari is softly snoring.
I dry xem off as xe stands at the foot of the bed completely naked.
Even this is a rare act of submission by Lex, to stand in front of me totally still and with no clothes on.
I savour it. I wish I could tell xem how it makes me feel so much closer to xem.
I wish I could ask – no, beg – xem to stay this open, this vulnerable, this raw with me, but that would feel wrong.
I know better than most that you cannot mould somebody to your own desires and wishes.
When Lex is dry, I tell xem to lie on xir front on the bed and I go about applying balm to xir wounds.
To my horror, there are slightly more on xir backside and upper thighs than on Mari’s, and I realise that’s because xe was on my right, taking the full impact of my dominant hand.
I take extra time, softly rubbing in the aloe vera, and I bend and kiss the rawest marks on xir flesh.
Each time I do, xe shivers, and I want to bottle up how that makes me feel.
“You want me to moisturise you too?” I offer.
Lex turns xir head towards me, giving me xir side profile. “No, thank you,” xe says in a quiet voice. “I think I just want to lie here.”
“Get under the covers,” I say.
“Here? What about Mari?”
Xe is talking about how they are lying right in the middle of the bed.
Typically, that’s my position. I know it started like that because I was a buffer between them.
I forced them to stay apart. I gave them both a focus so they wouldn’t have to think about each other. I was literally keeping them separate.
“They can go in the middle for a change,” I say. Because I don’t want to wake them, yes, but also because I want to see what Lex does.
It’s not a shock when xe agrees, but it’s still a small surprise, a little thrill.
We lay on either side of Mari, slipping under the covers next to them. I face Mari and Lex and prop my head up on my hand, my elbow bent, so I can see Lex over Mari’s head. I realise all three of us are naked right now, and that too is different. Very different.
When Lex mirrors my position, xir head raised above Mari’s, I take that as a sign xe wants to talk.
“Are you okay?” I begin, but I switch to English, hoping this helps xem feel more comfortable talking.
Xe nods at me. “Yeah. That was…kind of epic.”
“Yeah, it was. I meant what I said out there. I’m really proud of you.” It’s a little cowardly, giving xem a compliment but still attaching it to the scene. “Both of you.”
Lex’s eyes flick down to Mari. Xir lips twitch but don’t quite bloom into a smile.
“You were amazing too.” Lex looks right at me, xir big brown eyes wide and earnest. “I feel like you needed to do that. To be in control like that?”
“Yeah, I did. You know I don’t think we’ve discussed this in a long time, but I do really like to be dominant.
I think after I transitioned, I always thought submitting made me more feminine, reaffirmed my gender identity, but in the last few years, I feel different.
I don’t think I’ve felt more like a woman, more feminine than I did tonight. ”
Lex smiles at me, although I notice it doesn’t reach xir eyes. “I am happy you had that. You deserve to feel that kind of validation always.”
“I know,” I agree. “But you know the world isn’t like that. But with you and Mari, the little universe we all share, that’s when I feel it all the time.”
It feels like a risk, referring to us as sharing space and time, but Lex doesn’t flinch. In fact, xe doesn’t reveal much at all. And xe doesn’t say anything either.
“What happened out there?” I venture. This may be my only chance.
“What do you mean?” xe says, but I know it’s a stalling tactic.
“With you and Mari. And before that, when you broke down.”
“I didn’t break down.” Xe looks away and half-scoffs the words out. “It was the scene. It was a lot.”
“But even that was different,” I push a little more. “You choosing to submit like that.”
“It wasn’t my first time submitting,” xe says matter-of-factly. “I’ve been submitting for a while now. With others.”
“With others?” I repeat. I wait for it to hurt, but it doesn’t. Sure, it bruises a little. It makes it harder to swallow, but it’s no surprise. It’s no kick in the teeth. It’s the Lex I know. For my sins, it’s the Lex I love.
“Yes,” xe holds my gaze. “When I’ve been playing without you, I like to submit.”
“Why?”
“Why do we do anything?” Xe raises xir voice from the hushed tone we’ve both been talking in thus far. It’s xir BS voice again.
I sigh and take a moment to gather my thoughts, to decide if this is really how I want this conversation to go.
“You can deny it, Lex, but I know something is happening. Between you and Mari. Between all of us. And I think something is going on with you, too. You know you could try and share it with us. Maybe we could help.”
Lex holds my eye contact, but the rest of xir face twists into something I’ve never seen before.
For a shocking second or two, I think xe is going to cry, and that’s an act of vulnerability I have never seen from xem before and have never imagined seeing.
But then xe composes xemself and rolls onto xir back so I can no longer see xem.
“There are some things that shouldn’t be shared. There are some things that need to be contained. There are some things that you don’t need to know about a person.” It sounds like xe is talking through gritted teeth.
I push up to sitting, careful not to disturb Mari. “I’m not asking you to bare your soul to me, Lex. I’m asking you to share your soul with me, with us. I’m asking you to leave it up to Mari and me what we think about whatever it is that clearly hurts you, holds you back.”
Xir hands are fisting the sheet on either side of xir body. “What makes you think there is something to tell? Some big secret? Some part of my soul that I’m holding back?”
“Isn’t there?” I demand with my words and my eyes.
Xe drops my eye contact and stares up at the ceiling. “So you think there’s some big reason I left you, and why I left Mari. I’m not just a shitty person now?”
“I’ve never said you were a shitty person.” This may not be the truth. I may have said this many times, but what is true is that I don’t think I’ve ever believed it.
“Trust me, Roos, it’s better for you to think I’m just a shitty person.”
“You’re not letting me have a choice.”
Xe looks at me again. “Is this a new condition? That I have to explain why I’m so fucked up in order to stay with you and Mari?”
Xir tone has some sarcasm in it, but xir expression is all concern.
“No,” I say slowly. “I just want to understand what happened tonight. I want to know what’s going on with you if we ever do it again.”
Another lip twitch, xir snakebite piercing moving. “You want to do it again?”
“Don’t you?”
“Yeah, but I don’t want a fucking interrogation each time, okay? You’re a switch, Mari’s a switch. Why can’t I just be a fucking switch?” Xe isn’t keeping xir voice low, and we both hold our breath as it makes Mari stir. They rub their face and then roll over onto their side, facing Lex.
Lex looks almost shocked by this. Xe blinks at Mari, like xe can’t quite believe they are right there, in front of xem. Mari is back to snoring lightly in a few seconds, and I exhale.
“Okay,” I concede. “You’re a switch. No more further questions.”
I lie on my back, feeling hurt and confused and unsure what to do next. I’m angry at myself for ruining what could have been a perfect night by pushing Lex, but I’m also angry with xem for reacting so strongly.
“I’m sorry,” Lex’s voice breaks a long silence.
“For what?” I ask, and it’s another test, but a necessary one.
“For losing my shit just then. For getting angry. I’m not angry. Not with you. It’s not your fault. I just have a lot going on in my head after the scene, and I’m tired. But I still shouldn’t have lost it with you.”
And that. That is new. That is not the Lex who left me. That is, frustratingly, affirmation for why I want to keep trying with xem.
“Okay, Lex,” I acknowledge xem. “Apology accepted.”
“Hey, Roos,” xe says, xir tone completely different now. Light. Playful. The Lex I fell in love with the first time.
“Yeah?”
“Wanna play Imagine?”
I smile up at the ceiling. “Sure.”
“You go first. What are you imagining? How far ahead are you going?”
I chew on my lip. “Five years.”
“Okay. Tell me.”
“Five years from now, we’re all still in Amsterdam. Or at least, that’s our base.”
“Our?”
“Yeah. You, me, and Mari.”
A pause. A jagged inhale. “Are we together, all of us?”
“Yes,” I answer confidently. It’s just a game. In the past, when we’ve played, I’ve imagined myseIf as a princess, the prime minister, and a mother to seven kids. I can say what I want.
“We all live together. But you come and go as you please. Mari travels too, for their work. Their tattoos are famous, and they travel all over the world for work. And me, I’m…I’m different.”
“How are you different, Roos?”
My hands move to cup my breasts under the sheets. “I’ve got bigger breasts. And I’ve had bottom surgery. Facial feminisation. Maybe even hair transplants.”
“If that’s what you want, roosje, why haven’t you done it?”
“Money. Time. And now I have epilepsy to think about.”
“I can help you with all of those, and you know it.”
“You haven’t been here. Until the last few months.”
We fall silent again.
“What’s our house like?” Lex asks, returning to our game.
“You really want to know?” I check, and I feel like I’m asking so much more than this one question.
I know it’s my silly romance-novel-loving heart getting carried away, but I can’t help thinking that I’m asking, Is this what you want, too?
Do you imagine this for the three of us? Do you want what I want?
“Yes,” Lex says.
I roll over onto my side towards Lex and Mari, hide my smile in the pillow, and then I tell Lex all about the home that I imagine, no, want, the three of us to share.
*****
I don’t know when I fell asleep. Whether it was before or after Lex and I talked about the holidays the three of us would take, the plants and vegetables we’d grow in our imaginary garden, or the matching tattoos all three of us would get together, I fell asleep with these possibilities fuelling my dreams and swelling my heart.
What I do know is that when Mari wakes me an hour or so later, I’m already waiting for them to say the words I know are coming.
“Where’s Lex?” they ask as they rub at their sleepy eyes.
Because Lex is gone. I hoped so hard xe wouldn’t, but that didn’t stop xem before, and it’s not stopped them this time either.