Chapter Forty-Five
Lex
Roos is the first to move. She rushes up to the stage and places her hands on it, looking up at me and making me feel like some Jesus Christ impersonator, which is not what I was going for.
Perhaps if I had thought this through a bit more, I would have seen how it would look at first with them down there and me up here, but I don’t think Jesus would have been naked and ball-gagged in a queer sex club, so hopefully the comparisons will fade away soon once Mari and Roos realise what I’m really doing.
Actually, I take that back. Jesus would totally have enjoyed being naked and ball-gagged in a queer sex club.
I push all thoughts of messiahs out of my head when Mari joins Roos at the foot of the stage.
“Wait, Roos,” they say, putting a hand on Roos’ shoulder.
I knew they would be the voice of reason in this whole scenario, and I wait eagerly to hear what they have to say. To my surprise, they don’t talk to me. They turn Roos to face them and speak clearly and loudly enough for me to hear.
“Do you want to do this?”
“Do what?”
Mari glances at me. “Play with xem.”
“I don’t think this is just playing,” Roos replies.
Clever girl.
“No, I get that.” Mari looks behind me, at the painting I’ve been working on for the last five months. I’ve never worked so slowly on a painting. I’ve never wanted something to be so perfect.
“But look at xem.” They both turn, and I feel the heat of their stare on my naked body. “Xe is gagged. It doesn’t look like xe wants to talk.”
Mari is also smart. I’ve never doubted that for a second.
“So what are you saying?”
“I’m asking you if you want to do this, with xem, and still be okay with not having answers, not having a reason for why xe disappeared again. Are you okay with having xem come and go like this? Maybe that is what xe wants for the future. Are you okay with that?”
It’s not what I want for the future. Or rather not all I want.
Roos looks at me for the longest time, and I hold her gaze. God, I’ve missed her cloud-grey eyes. I’ve missed the warmth of her stare. I’ve missed the way she looks at me like I have all the answers to all her questions.
The irony being that, maybe tonight, for once, I do have all the answers.
She replies to Mari but keeps looking at me as she does so. “I’m okay with that. I’m more okay with that than I thought I’d ever be.”
I believe her. I believe her, and it makes a knot in my stomach loosen a little.
“Okay,” Mari says, and I hear them take in a sharp breath.
“What about you?” Roos prompts.
“What about me?”
“Are you also okay with that?” Roos lifts her voice even more. “Are you okay with Lex coming and going like this?”
I believe Mari’s answer too when they say, “I don’t know.”
I expected this, I realise. And I want it too. I want the challenge. I don’t deserve for this to be easy.
Roos’ shoulders sink, and it’s then that I finally absorb what they’re both wearing, their rope work.
The ache between my legs intensifies, not just because of how fucking good they both look but at the thought of them doing it to each other.
I’ve been equally taunted and turned on for the last six months, thinking about them being together– fucking, kink, rope play, kissing, hugging, playing at QISS, sharing aftercare, sleeping curled up together.
It’s made me burn with an intoxicating mix of envy and arousal, and tonight, I can finally let the flames consume me.
I hope.
Mari turns towards me. “You want to play, huh?” They raise their voice.
I nod.
“You want us to play with you? You want to submit?”
Yes, fuck, yes. That’s exactly what I want.
I nod again.
“And is that it?” Mari demands. “Is that all you want from us?”
I shake my head slowly, even though I want to shake it like a person possessed.
“You want punishment?” They tilt their head to the side. “Is that what this is? The gag? The cross? You being naked? I’ve never seen you naked before. I doubt Roos has either.”
Beside Mari, Roos shakes her head. “Not like this.”
“Did you come here to be punished?” Mari demands of me.
I swallow uncomfortably and not only because of the gag. And then I nod, once.
Mari does a twirl, waving their hands out at the art. Then they stop and gesture at the painting beside me. “Is that some kind of gift? An offering?”
I pause and then nod. Because yes, it is that. But it’s also so much more.
I hold my breath as Mari chews on their lip. I know this cautious expression of theirs.
“Is it what you want? All of us together? A future like that?”
I look at Mari. I look at Roos. I nod.
Roos brings a hand to her chest as if to slow her breathing or her heartbeat or both.
“It will take more than this.” Mari squares their shoulders. They are not so easily overcome, and I love them for that.
I love Roos for her eager heart and her quick forgiveness. I love Mari for their guarded curiosity and their rare but well-timed need for certainty.
I nod slower than before. I know it’s going to take more than this. It’s going to take me showing up in ways I couldn’t before every single day of the rest of my life.
But I can’t say that with a silicone ball stuck in my mouth.
I’m wearing the gag for a reason. I want to show them I’ve changed before I tell them how and why.
I want to surrender to them completely, with my body and my mind, before we get distracted with painful truths.
I want to give myself to them like this without them knowing because part of me truly believes if they know what happened to me, when they know what happened, they won’t let me do this.
And I can’t bear for that to happen.
I need them to be selfish. I need them to take. I need them to make it hurt. Because then, maybe, I can truly heal.
I hold Mari’s eye contact as they continue to stare at me.
I wish I knew what was running through their beautiful, hesitant mind.
I wish I could ask them. I wish I could tell them I love them.
That I’ve never stopped loving them. That their love was the first true love I knew, and if I have anything to do with it, I’ll never live without it.
A rude tear runs out of my eye, and I curse around the ball gag. I don’t want to cry. Not now, anyway.
But there’s something about that tear that has Mari’s shoulders sinking and their features losing their poise.
They turn to Roos and hold out a hand. “You want to punish the person who broke your heart three horrible times?”
Roos takes her hand and nods. “Yes, I do.”
They both turn to me, and I have never seen such a sweet sight. For just a split second, I allow myself to feel like the monarch-like figure I could appear to be up here on this stage, but I know for certain I am not.
When Mari speaks, their voice is firm and cool and frighteningly beautiful. “Then let’s punish xem. Let’s make xem hurt and cry and repent. Let’s make xem beg for forgiveness.”