Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
Nico
“You made your choice, Nico. Now I am making mine.”
Her words still rang in my ears nearly a day later as I drove my fists into the dirt, blood dripping down into the mud below me and rain falling from overhead to soak my clothes. Pain radiated over every inch of my body and face.
Only moments ago, I had picked a fight with a hybrid soldier, and even now, I didn’t regret it.
I might have been sitting in the cold afternoon rain, bleeding and feeling like my head was going to explode, but at least Ama’s words were dulled by the hit to the face I had received.
It was something. Anything to distract me.
Plus, feeling any form of regret for the fight was currently impossible, since my regret for what I’d said to Ama completely overwhelmed it.
I had fucked this up so badly. No. I hadn’t fucked it up...
I was fucked up. I was a fuck up, and I was starting to believe that my parents knew it, which was why they’d spent so little time or effort raising me.
Why focus on a lost cause, right? It was one of the reasons that Ama’s analysis of me made me both furious and vulnerable.
How dare she strip me bare until my soul was on display for her to see.
How dare she act like she fucking cared—like she could see something in me that—
I pulled myself from those thoughts, feeling the darkness close in as I fell face first into a muddy puddle. I turned my head to the side so I wouldn’t drown, but then I just lay there, not bothering to pick myself back up.
Maybe I wasn’t meant to love anyone. Or to be loved. Maybe I wasn’t actually meant to have a mate, and the Fates had made a mistake pairing her up with someone as emotionally fucked as me. I had to assume that was the case because Ama deserved far more than I could ever give her.
I brought nothing to the table but pain.
When a fist closed around the collar of my shirt and yanked me up, I groaned but tried to stand.
The person let go as I turned to face them, and I found Jace standing there with a knowing look on his face.
He turned, and I followed after him, not bothering to fight the conversation he seemed to want.
Somehow, someway, Jace had managed to keep his cool. He was pretty much the only one.
I followed, looking around the temporary camp we’d set up at the base of the mountains last night—something I barely remembered after the point where I’d realized Ama was gone. We would be packing up soon and crossing through the mountain pass, hopefully unnoticed by the Kingdom of Pura.
I shook my head at that, wondering how a land that I had called my home for so long could feel so strange and alien. I didn’t want to go back, and not because I didn’t want to fight in the war. No, I didn’t want to go back because there was nothing for me there. There was nothing for me anywhere.
When Jace opened a tent flap, I stepped in after him.
He immediately tossed me a towel, which I swiped across my face to get the mud off.
Looking around, I realized we were in a tactical planning space, a large floor map taking up the center of the room.
I sat down on one of the chairs as Jace rifled around for something, seemingly caught up in his own thoughts and no doubt also annoyed with me.
Well, he was probably not just annoyed with me.
He was probably furious, and I couldn’t blame him.
I was the reason Ama was gone. This was my fault.
“Drink this.” Jace slapped a leather sack against my chest that contained some sort of liquid.
“What is it?” I asked as I unscrewed the cap and chugged, my nose wrinkling at the smell and the taste of lemon that sat uncomfortably in my throat. When I was done, he took the bag back silently, leaving me to my thoughts, which was unfortunate.
“You’re a dumbass.”
I nearly bared my fucking teeth and growled at his words, but he wasn’t wrong.
I knew he was about to give me shit about fighting with his men, and I had zero interest in hearing it.
I had spent all of yesterday coming to terms with what had happened with Ama, and in order to fix the resulting feelings of guilt, anger, and fear about the situation... I’d decided to fight.
The hybrids had been more than happy to pit people against me, and with each punch I’d gotten to the face, everything had become just a little hazier.
My mind had slipped into memories of moments with Ama, and I’d found myself hating that almost every single one of them was negative.
Why was I such a devildamned bastard? Why couldn’t I manage to do anything right? What was wrong with me?
“I wouldn’t suggest asking that question right now,” Jace leveled, and I realized I must have said that last part out loud.
“It’s my fault she was taken.”
“Yes.” Jace’s throat produced a threatening noise that he tried to cover, but I knew his Hellhound was fucking pissed at me. I mean, everyone was furious at me, but at least Jace could be in the same space as me without wanting to kill me.
“I don’t know—“
“You need to man the fuck up, Nico.” Jace’s words were calm and clinical.
“I’m not saying you can’t feel whatever the fuck it is you’re feeling, but you need to accept what happened and stop fucking sulking.
You being upset or hating yourself does nothing.
It doesn’t bring Ama back, it doesn’t help the war—it does absolutely jack shit, and you are just making people angrier with your inability to function.
Get your shit together, and stop acting like a child.
You are now the leader of a fucking house, so act like it. ”
I blinked, honestly a little stunned by his words...then realized he was right.
I was acting like a spoiled fucking kid. I was so caught up in my own self-pity about problems I’d caused that I wasn’t doing jack shit to fix them. How could I expect a woman like Ama to ever care about someone who couldn’t even care about themselves or the house they were supposed to lead?
“I—“
“Don’t want to hear excuses,” Jace hissed, his eyes darkening.
“The six of you need to get your heads in the game. I don’t care what you feel right now.
You have a right to feel it, but it doesn’t really matter.
What matters is Ama and this war. If you aren’t going to help with one of those two things, you might as well fuck off. ”
“And you’re so much better?” I sneered.
Jace’s face went serious, “I’m not better, but I am acting like a capable adult right now instead of some scared kid.
I am trying to keep my shit together with my mate missing, heading into a war for a kingdom I don’t respect, and traveling with a group of men who keep trying to convince my mate to stay the fuck away from me.
All of you know exactly how Ama feels about you.
You fucking rejected her, Nico. You have no one to blame but yourself.
You want to be angry? Fine. Be angry at yourself, but get it together because if I can manage, then so the fuck can you. ”
I wasn’t sure if there was any one sentence in particular that made me understand the depth of his words, but his statement as a whole was like a punch to the gut.
“Fuck,” I ran a hand over my face. “Fucking hell, you’re right.”
“I know.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted, feeling a sense of dread invade my stomach.
“We get her back,” a voice I recognized said.
The voice was angry and filled with enough malice as it echoed through the tent that I actually found myself concerned that Colt, who had just stepped through the tent entrance, would try to kill me.
Honestly, that might be a blessing compared to what Finias was no doubt thinking up. I had no idea where the bastard was right now, but if I had to guess, I’d say he was most likely sharpening his knives, for when he finally found me alone and managed to skin me.
He was an assassin, not a serial killer. For Ama, though, I had a feeling he could be anything. Do anything.
Jace offered Colt an understanding look, “That’s not what she wants.”
“I don’t give a fuck,” Colt bit out sharply, walking towards us. “She can be as angry as she wants at me after we find her. I will take the blame. I don’t care, as long as she is safe and with us.”
“Drayven said—“ Jace’s words were cut off by Colt chuckling. It was a sad sound.
“I really don’t give a fuck what Drayven said. If he can somehow justify going back to the capital and leaving Ama in the hands of someone capable of portalling her, then maybe he doesn’t actually love—“
I couldn’t help but shake my head as Colt was knocked flat onto his back, Drayven standing over him with his scythe pressed against the Fallen Angel’s throat.
His voice was monotone and empty as he pressed down slightly so the blade almost cut into Colt’s skin.
“If you ever insinuate that I do not love Ama, I will reap your soul.”
Fucking hell.
Honestly, Jace wasn’t wrong—the group of us weren’t managing to keep it together without Ama. That much was blatantly obvious.
Stepping away, Drayven paced the space, his weapon disappearing. “I want nothing more than to find Ama. However, not only do we not have any clue where she is, but she also told me she wanted us to go on—“
“In a dream!” Colt roared.
“In a dream, yes, but it didn’t make it less real,” Drayven insisted as emotion suddenly flooded his face.
“You think I am comfortable with this, Colt? Do you think any part of me is okay with just...not finding her? I’ve spent my entire devildamned life obsessed with the woman, and she was just ripped away from us because she left our sight for five fucking minutes. ”
Because of me. Because I’d fucked up. Because I’d tried to impose an ultimatum and had somehow insinuated that I was rejecting her as a mate, when that was the furthest thing from the truth.
“I have no idea,” Colt snapped.
“Where would you look?” Jace asked quietly, bringing confusion to Colt’s face.
“What do you mean?”