Chapter 5
CHAPTER FIVE
Ama
You're not worthy of my love.
Those six words ran through my head on repeat.
I replayed the situation with Luce over and over again in my head as I stared out the one window in my room from my bed.
It was the truth, but that didn’t mean it was going to be an easy pill to swallow for either of us.
I didn’t like that I’d said the words, despite the truth in them.
I didn’t like that I’d hurt him with the stark reality of how the way he was acting was only proving this would never work between us.
Was this some sort of sick joke by the universe? Giving me a fated mate who was so self-centered he had not one ounce of care for what his mate wanted?
I wished it was as easy as telling myself to forget about the psychotic devil and telling him to sit on his thumb and spin. But it wasn’t. As much as I hated to admit it, there was a crackling energy between us, and a piece of my heart longed to make this work between us.
Stupid fucking fate trying to tell me what to do.
Luce was infuriating, and I was no closer to finding an escape from his castle.
I didn't know how long I sat there alone with my thoughts, but before I knew it, the sun was setting on the mountains, a beautiful orange glow casting along the peaks. My stomach began to grumble.
It was almost easy to forget I was a prisoner when I took in the serene beauty of this vantage point.
The low hanging clouds and reflected light beaming down onto certain areas of the mountain drew my gaze.
It was as if Heaven was shining down upon pieces of our realm, and I longed to find myself within the warmth.
Tearing my eyes from the window, I glanced down as my stomach rumbled loudly and rubbed my belly.
Our interaction at lunch had been so short I hadn't touched my pasta, and while I didn't regret having left the situation, I did regret not taking my food with me.
I could have eaten it in my solitary confinement up here.
A while ago, a maid had entered the room to remind me of dinner approaching and tell me I needed to be presentable.
Apparently, having my hair in a bun, no makeup on, and a blanket pulled firmly around me wasn't an acceptable look for dinner with the devil.
Shocker. The devil wanted his mate to look prim and proper and ready to jump at his every command.
I had considered asking the maid for some food to be brought up, but what would be the point when they all served Luce and he'd made his feelings abundantly clear? I doubted they'd feel any sympathy for me, and they definitely wouldn't go against his orders.
If I had to starve for a bit, so be it. There were worse things going on in our realm.
I waited for someone to come in here and berate me for not being ready, using the time to ponder how to get out of here.
I’d accepted that Luce would never even try to understand my side of this situation.
Honesty and rationalization weren't going to get me anywhere, and clearly fake seducing him wasn't going to work either.
I was stumped on how to proceed. Without my powers, I was defenseless, and it had become obvious I was a terrible actor when I’d tried to play the meek and obedient mate.
If only I was better at hiding my emotions.
It had never been a strong suit of mine, though—as my dad had reminded me many times during council meetings in Mortem.
My emotions played across my face like a movie, letting everyone in my vicinity know exactly how I was feeling.
Which, during those times, had been a combination of extreme boredom and fantasizing about stabbing council members who’d sent particularly nasty insults my way.
I laughed lightly at the memories, feeling as if they’d happened so long ago. Yet they hadn’t. Quickly, my amusement died down and was replaced with anger.
Anger at the Dark Elf monarchs for their brutality and greed.
Anger at Luce for not listening to me and realizing I would never give him what he wanted.
And worst of all, anger at myself for not being strong enough to escape this place.
I couldn't help the small scream that burst from me as mounting frustration brewed within me over this bullshit situation.
I had an immortal being—intended to be my fated mate—who was so fucking obsessed with the idea of having a mate that it didn't even matter to him what I wanted. That I’d had a life before I met him. That I had other people I cared about.
How rude of me to not just bow down at his feet and profess my undying love for a practical stranger, I know.
This wasn't just about my men, though… This was about being able to save my dad and Zurie and live my life the way I wanted to. I would never let someone else control my thoughts or actions. Not even the Fates could control me by telling me who I was destined to live my life with romantically.
As I had reiterated to Luce multiple times, while I had fallen for multiple men who were all my mates, it didn't mean they just got a free-for-all pass into my heart. They’d had to earn my respect and love through their actions.
While I couldn't say I was there with all of them just yet, I still found myself wanting to get there with them.
Damien, Adrien, Finias, and Dray all firmly held my heart in the palms of their hands, and Colt had recently found his way into a similar position.
I was proud of the man he was becoming in spite of the trauma and grief he'd been working through since losing his parents.
While he might not have reacted perfectly at first, and he had said a few things that had wounded me, I would be the first to admit that none of us was perfect.
No one. Not even me. Colt had deserved a chance to redeem himself, and he had—tenfold.
Jace had shown recently that he was capable of adapting to accept the others, and he had always treated me with the utmost respect, even taking the time to apologize when he had brought up something that had hurt me.
I looked forward to having more time with him to dive deeper into who he was at his core—what his dreams were, what his fears were... all of it.
My brows furrowed, and I brought my hands up to rub my face roughly as I thought of Nico. My broken and lost Incubus prince. Dropping my hands down into my lap on top of my crossed legs, I reflected on our last conversation together.
Recently, he had consistently hurt me with his actions and words, despite being given countless opportunities to correct himself.
I’d understood his not wanting to share me.
It stemmed from seeing his parents—and his kingdom in general—having open relationships.
He wanted monogamy deep down, and that just wasn't in the cards for me.
It was an odd twist of fate that I had abhorred my mother for leaving us and seeking what we couldn't provide but then had been given seven—no, eight—mates, if I included Luce.
I hadn't figured out how I would tackle so many relationships after the war was over, as the war had held my full focus up until Luce had captured me. But what I did know was that I could never narrow it down to just one of them.
Was it possible my mom had felt the same way but had attempted to settle down for a few brief years when I was born? Perhaps she’d tried but had felt an aching in her heart she couldn't rid herself of.
I was turning into such a sap, giving my mother excuses for leaving us.
Maybe it was because, at the core of my heart, I wanted to forgive.
I wanted just one good reason to let go of all this resentment and hatred towards her.
I knew it wasn't healthy to carry around these feelings, but I couldn't let go yet.
"Mistress!" the maid from earlier exclaimed as she entered once more and saw that I hadn't moved an inch in hours.
The devil and his dinner plans could go to Hell. Oh wait, we already were in Hell.
I chuckled darkly at my joke, but then I sighed heavily, completely at a loss on how to proceed. I didn't want to go to dinner—that much I knew.
I ignored her as I yawned and stretched my arms languidly. Maybe, if I ignored her, she would fuck off. Unfortunately, I had a feeling the woman took her job extremely seriously.
She tutted loudly as she stomped towards me, door closing with a loud thud behind her, "You cannot go to dinner looking like that! What are you doing?"
Rolling my eyes, I turned to look at her as she stopped next to my bed. Glancing up and down, I took her in. It really was hard to guess what age a supernatural creature was, but she seemed to be around the same age as Eryx.
Her dark chestnut hair was swept into loose curls styled on top of her head in an elegant updo.
Her lips were thin, but it was hard to tell whether that was their natural state or they were thinned because of her displeased expression.
She asked once more, "What are you doing?
Get out of bed at once so I can help you get ready and avoid being ridiculously late. "
Her grey eyes weren't cold, but they also weren't kind. It was obvious she just saw me as a job to do rather than an actual being with a soul and a life. Maybe that was how she justified allowing her boss to kidnap and imprison me.
I caught her off guard by turning around, cocking my head to the side, and asking, "How long have you worked here? For Luce?"
Her head recoiled like I'd slapped her before she blinked furiously and stammered, "I...I have...why are you asking such things? We don't have time for this!"
Shrugging, I answered with a bemused quirk of my lips, "I have all the time in the world, or haven't you heard?
I'll be kept here, against my will, for eternity...
or at least until I die because the devil himself has decided he owns my life.
Apparently, being an immortal turns you into a bit of an over-controlling prick. Who knew?"
A soft gasp of horror came from her in response before she raised her hand to her chest in offense and countered, "You can't really feel that way about him.”
Her denial made me smile even wider. She turned, almost flustered, as she insisted, “He is a kind person with a huge heart."
The scoff that came from me was loud, and she paused briefly to scowl at me before continuing, "He has awaited the love of his life, his soul mate, for centuries.
He's seen thousands of citizens of his realm find their other halves while laying his own head down on his pillow alone every night, wishing he could have what they did.
Sure, he may be a bit new to all of this, but to call him names like that when he is trying his best is low. "
Her words were like a swift punch to the gut, despite having heard these words before from Luce himself. Something about hearing them from someone else, and the tenacity with which she said them, really cut through the walls I had up in regards to him.
Fuck, was she right?
It was hard to think of Lucifer himself as “new” to anything, but if this was truly his first time doing any of this…then he was just going by instinct alone. I wasn’t sure what it said about him that his instinct was to lock me up and keep me from all other men, though.
Dropping my eyes to the ground, I took a deep breath, preparing myself for her answer to the question I wanted so desperately to ask.
Steeling my heart, I looked up at her and asked, "Why do you think he's a kind person with a huge heart? Because from my vantage point," I paused to gesture around, "he has zero consideration for anyone other than himself."
She sighed deeply before turning and plopping down on the edge of the bed beside me. Staring at the wall opposite us, she relented, "I am much older than I appear, as are the rest of the staff. We have been with Master Luce for a long time, thanks to the extension of life he has blessed us with."
Ah, so extending lives was something he was capable of. No wonder he thought he had eternity with me to change my mind. Did he have limitations on how long he could keep someone alive, though? Surely, the balance of life would come and take those he held here for too long.
My attention switched back to her as she explained, "Almost all the staff here have seen him go through a wide array of emotions and phases of his life.
He's been hopeful, dreaming of a love so deep that nothing else mattered.
He's been vengeful when he was aching inside, feeling like he would never be good enough for such a blessing.
And then, I've seen the spark leave his eyes until he was just a shell of the man we all grew to respect and care for. "
Okay. Wow. So these people were literally like family…I was beginning to understand why she had been defensive.
She reached out tentatively, taking my hand in hers as she gazed at our joined palms. Flicking her eyes up to mine, she pleaded, "All we want is for you to give him the chance to prove that he is worthy of your heart. Because, if anyone is, it is him."
I pursed my lips as I considered her words, but before I could truly formulate a response, the door opened with a loud bang as it hit the wall inside. In stormed the devil, and man, did he look more furious than ever.
Was that steam billowing from his ears?
His chest was rapidly expanding and falling, and as his eyes found me, my breath was knocked from me at the clear relief that poured from him.
His shoulders sagged as he rushed to me and knelt in front of us.
His large hands found my knees, and he rubbed them gently as he spared the woman next to me a soft smile, "I can take it from here, Emma. "
She scurried from the room, and all his attention fell on me as he peered up at me with concern, "Are you okay? I was worried something had happened to you. Why didn't you come for dinner?"
…did he…was he crazy? Maybe he didn’t remember our conversation from earlier.
It was on the tip of my tongue to give him a million reasons why I wouldn’t want to come to dinner, but I withheld them, instead answering him with a question of my own, "Will you tell me about your life?"
Apparently, neither of us wanted to give straight answers because he parried, "Will you please come to dinner with me, Little Temptress? I'll tame my anger and give you the answers you're looking for," he offered with a smirk, but he was lacking the cocky vibe that usually accompanied that look.
Instead, it looked like he was scrambling to keep his walls in place with me but utterly failing. Like we were one interaction away from tearing them down and he knew it. I found myself wanting the opportunity to see the real Luce. To give him a chance to prove my initial impression of him wrong.
Hope flitted through my chest. Perhaps he wasn't a total lost cause. The word “please” was a part of his vocabulary, after all.
"Fine," I answered nonchalantly, but inside, my stomach was flipping over my agreement.
I was going to dinner with the devil, and I wasn't sure if I was prepared for what awaited me there.