Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Luce
I could hear her screaming and banging on her door from where I sat in the dining room, my hand clenched so tightly around my goblet of wine that the metal was bending beneath the pressure.
Drowning out her profanities and pleas wasn't going as well as I’d hoped—or even at all.
It was like she was stabbing my heart and twisting the dagger with every cry.
"Fuck!" I roared and threw the golden cup at the wall, where it clanged loudly before falling to the ground. I watched the red liquid drip down the stone wall like watered down blood—the blood I pictured dripping from the throats of the men I wanted to kill for daring to lay claim to my mate.
They were the real issue between us.
Why couldn't I just go kill them right now?
I had fantasized about it enough at night as I lay alone, restless and unable to sleep after having had way too damn much of it recently.
I ached to hold her in my arms and feel the tickle of her breath against my chest as she slept deeply and peacefully.
She didn't know it, but I often portaled into her room and watched her, enjoying the silence and relaxed expression on her face when she slept.
She had no idea I did that, and I liked it that way.
It was why I continued to use the stupid door during the day, even if I didn't always care to wait for permission to enter.
She had no reason to be on guard while she slept.
It was the one moment in time we could share together—albeit unknown to her—without arguments or deceit flying around between us.
It was a glimpse into what could have been.
My chest rapidly expanded with every shallow breath I took as I wrestled with what to do with Amare.
She drove me absolutely mad, but I couldn't deny that she was exactly what I needed.
I needed someone who wouldn't let me hide behind excuses or power.
She wasn't afraid of me like everyone else in the realm, and she pushed me, wanting me to truly change and be a better man.
But why would I change when it was so clear she was in love with the other men she had met before me? She would never give them up—that much was clear—and I would never accept them into my life.
How different would it have been if she’d met me first? We could have lived the beautiful life that I’d imagined for us before she’d known there were other mates her soul was fated to claim. Could I have satisfied her every desire then, before she knew who else was out there?
I could have been her everything, instead of the nothing I was to her now.
I couldn't help the roar of frustration that tore from my throat as I finally accepted that she wouldn't ever be happy here with me.
No matter how many years passed with her being kept separate from the realm outside of my castle, she would never grow to love me.
No...she would only grow to hate me more.
The castle walls trembled as I accepted defeat when it came to the war in my heart. Striding over to the dining room door, I flung it open so hard it created an indention in the stone wall behind it. I took deep, ragged breaths as her cries became louder with every step I took in her direction.
"Luce, you stupid bastard! Let me out!" she screamed, followed by broken sobs that ripped my heart to shreds.
Why did it affect me? She was crying over other men. Why did I still want to dry her tears, kiss every inch of skin they had dripped down, and apologize for putting them in her eyes to begin with?
Fuck this. I was the devil and ruler of this realm. She should be ecstatic to have the opportunity to rule by my side.
I came to stop in front of her room and stared intently at the door, knowing there was no going back after this. Could I let her go? Could I give up the chance to be with my fated mate after waiting my entire life to have one?
I knew the moment the fight left her. A heavy thud hit the door, as if her back had fallen against it, and she sobbed hysterically. All of her energy to fight had left her, and she had instead accepted her fate of being locked away, unable to go to the aid of those other men.
The moment I had opened myself up to her and told her my sins and my regrets, she’d seen the broken pieces of me, but it hadn't softened her to me in the way I had hoped. Well, it had for a few fleeting moments, but it had been short lived.
But she had been right when she’d said I was selfish and that I hadn't changed despite my insistence that I had. Of course she was right. As much as I had attempted to keep my facade in place around her, she saw through my shit and challenged me when I tried to hide and make excuses.
Running my fingers through my hair, I pulled on the roots harshly and began to pace.
The truth was that I needed her. I needed her if I had any hope of changing and becoming the man she claimed she knew I could be.
I needed her to feel complete, but maybe that's where I was going wrong: depending on someone else to help me feel whole instead of finding peace within myself and accepting who I was, before asking her to accept me.
Because what she needed...wasn't me.
Growling in frustration and rage at that truth, I slammed my fist into the wall, enjoying the feeling of the stone biting into my skin with a hiss of pain. It was so much easier to feel physical pain than emotional.
"Luce?" Amare called out softly, followed by a hiccup and sniffles.
Coming to a stop once more in front of her door, I tentatively asked, "May I come in, Amare?"
When she remained quiet, aside from lingering sounds of soft crying, I added, "I promise to attempt to keep my anger and bloodlust out of this conversation."
I couldn't help the upward curl of my lip into a half smile when she scoffed loudly and responded, "Yeah, right. As if you're capable of that."
Damn, I loved her sass and snark so much. She was so fierce and steadfast in her morals and would accept nothing less than what she deserved.
To my shock, she opened the door and motioned for me to come in, seeming docile. I saw the fire burning in her eyes still, though, as if she truly thought I was going to start arguing with her off the jump.
Could I really blame her? My temper was shit, and when it came to her, it was as if all my emotions were amplified. Be it my anger, my passion, or my territorial urges.
Dropping into the large sitting chair opposite her bed, I saw her narrow her eyes suspiciously on me, and I had to fight the anger brewing in me at seeing her face swollen and red from crying.
I had done this to her. The woman I’d sworn I would never hurt and would treat like the gift she was in my life.
It hit me then...this was why I needed to change. Because I couldn't fucking stand to look in the mirror and face who I was and how my actions hurt her.
Closing my eyes, I took in a few steadying breaths, and when I opened my eyes again, she was sitting on the edge of her bed with her brows raised at me.
"So, what do you want from me now? I've accepted that I'm truly fucking stuck here and that you don't care if I grow to hate you or resent you by keeping me here. So, what else could you possibly want?"
Balling my hands into fists, I drummed them against my knees as I asked, "Do you think that maybe, in another life, we could have worked out? If you didn't have other mates? If I hadn't gone to sleep and had instead atoned for my transgressions?"
My questions definitely caught her off guard because her head jerked back and her brows knit together.
Her gaze dropped to the ground as she took a moment to ponder my question.
Her lips pursed as she answered, "Those are a lot of what ifs...
" and trailed off while she took a deep breath and looked at me.
"There's a reason our souls were fated for each other, Luce.
I can't deny that. But perhaps we aren't ready.
Maybe we need to grow separately before we can grow together. "
Her words were honest and lacked any bite to them.
I didn't deserve her softness on this subject or the spark of hope it inspired in me at the idea of maybe one day being able to work through this with her.
I knew it wasn't meant to be, anyway. It would take far too long for me to change within her lifespan.
Swallowing down the emotion that clogged my throat, I croaked, "I truly wanted nothing more than that, Ama."
A soft smile pulled at the corners of her lips as she said, "That's the first time you've called me Ama."
"It is, isn't it?" I responded, thinking about why that was. "Perhaps the familiarity of a nickname wasn't something I was ready for. I had an image of what you would be like as my mate, and I equated it with your full name."
Cocking her head at me in confusion, I explained, "It may just be a nickname, but it's also so much more than that. You're Ama the friend. Ama the daughter. Ama the princess."
Her eyes pooled with sorrow at the reminder of her loved ones, and I breathed out, "You're Ama...
the beautiful and enrapturing woman who is loved by multiple men.
Calling you Amare kept that formality that helped me forget you had outside attachments—those who love you and have the closeness to refer to you as Ama. "
Leaning forward, I rested my elbows on my knees. "I need you to answer my next two questions honestly," I stated and waited for her nod of understanding.
"If something happened to any of them....your mates....like what you claimed happened earlier," I tacked on, my tongue hating the words rolling off it, "How would you feel?"
Her face hardened, and she looked ready for battle, "It felt like a piece of me was dying."
I couldn't hold back the flinch at her words.
"And how would you feel if I was injured or killed?"
Her mouth parted slightly, and she stuttered, "I....I don't know."
Those were the only answers I needed.
Understanding dawned on her face as I bit my bottom lip hard, preparing myself for what I was about to say. It wasn't often, if ever, that I admitted I was wrong.
"I'm sorry, Ama. You were right when you said I'm a selfish man and that I put my wants and needs before everyone else," I admitted.
"It's clear that my ideas about what we could have been are deluded at this point.
I accept that I don't have a place in your heart.
I accept that you don't think of me as your mate. "
Perhaps it was just wishful thinking, but I thought she looked crestfallen at my words. Though I knew that wasn't possible after the way I had treated her.
So, I'd be the decent man she was so adamant was somewhere within me for just one moment as I made this final decision. I would go back to sleep and let Ama and her mates have their moment.
With a snap of my fingers, I lifted the lock on her power and called forth a portal to the Kingdom of Pura, easily locating her mates. The black, swirling vortex glimmered, symbolizing the end of this journey for her and me.
Unable to hold back the tears stinging my eyes—a sensation I hadn't felt in eons, since I’d realized for the first time that my family had cast me out and I was alone in this realm—I let the few tears fall down my face. Letting her see that I did feel sorrow and regret for all of this.
"Luce..." she breathed out as she stood and took a few steps towards me.
Holding my hand up for her to stop, I said my goodbye. "Go live the life you deserve to have with those who treat you properly. Become the queen I know you will be."
Before she had a chance to respond, and before I could change my mind, I flung the portal at her and watched as every inch of her was swallowed up by it.
She was gone, and it was time for me to go back to sleep.
Perhaps all I would ever be was the shadow in the lives of all the people around me.
Perhaps it was better if I wasn't here. I'd never be worthy of my family or my mate.