Chapter 7
CHAPTER SEVEN
FINN
I wake from a restless night’s sleep, so torn from the thoughts running circles around my brain. Technically, I’m funding the arts. And Gunner is uploading these videos with full consent for anyone who can pay to view them.
What doesn’t sit right with me is how I’m supposed to play this. Looking Curtis in the eyes and pretending like I don’t know he’s Gunner is iffy ethically. Maybe he wouldn’t care. Maybe he expects that kind of thing, or it happens to him all the time.
If I keep it a secret and he somehow found out—I’ve already checked three times over that my account doesn’t have my real name on it anywhere—maybe he’d think I’m some kind of creep, pretending to be friendly to his face while lusting over him in secret.
There are too many what-ifs, and I hate it. If only it were possible to ask him if he’s okay with me continuing to use him as my private sex relief without things getting weird afterward.
But what if he said something to David? Who said something to Melanie? Then she’s forever tainted by her pervy big brother.
Not that there’s anything pervy at all about watching porn. Sex is a normal part of life. Getting nervous before a job interview and taking a few minutes to relax my nerves is smart planning.
And Gunner’s orgasms are something angels sing about, I swear.
I should know since I just rewatched the video from the other night—the one where I swear he said my name—so I could really confirm it’s him.
For science. The whole video, and him talking about fucking at a party, took me back to the engagement party.
It fills my fantasy with what could have happened if either of us had been reckless enough to hook up.
If either of us cared about our dicks more than our siblings.
I climb out of bed, heading for the shower to wake myself up properly. My thoughts continue to swirl as rapidly as the water gurgling down the drain.
I need to make a decision.
Right now.
Do I continue to subscribe? My days would feel boring without the spike of excitement his emails bring. Technically, I could try to find someone to replace him with, but I’ve watched a lot of creators, and while I have no issues getting off to them, none of them pull the same deep need from me.
Do I unsubscribe? Pretend the last year never happened and get to know the terrible bowler with the pretty smile and the sad eyes on his own terms? Make friends with someone who’s probably going to be around more frequently than his emails are?
I don’t want to deceive anyone, so there’s only one thing I can do.
After I’ve climbed out of the shower and dried off, I pick up my phone and open the app.
The little unsubscribe button stares back at me, and all I have to do is click it.
It’s not a good sign for future employment that my thumb dexterity is suddenly failing me. Rebelling.
But what if Gunner sees I’ve unsubscribed and feels bad? Like he did something wrong? I don’t want to be the cause of that.
I doubt he’d notice me anyway in the sea of all his fans, but I’m clinging to any reason to stay in his orbit.
Curtis is a new friend. Someone I can keep my distance from if I need to.
Gunner is an intimate connection after years of not having that with anyone.
And I’m not deluded enough to think this isn’t one-sided, but I also sort of need that.
Listening to him talk, it’s so easy to feel like those words were all for me, and until I find someone of my own, I selfishly need that pseudo connection.
Tension fills my body as I open the message box, not completely sure what I’m doing, but with the way my heart is racing, you’d think it’s big.
I’m going to message him.
I’ve never wanted to do this before. Never even thought about it. His messages are probably full of dick pics, and while I’d be happy to send him one if he asked, it’s polite to at least wait for the request.
So with that option off the table, I go with a simple one-liner and try not to die after I hit Send.
Just wanted to say a quick thanks for your videos—and that I love your crown tattoo!
In a fit of panic, I check my username again and confirm that yes, it is still KingdomHearts and not Finn Healy has a Boner for Curtis who he just Met but has been Jerking Off to for a Year.
There will be a day in my future where I’m an actual cool person, but it looks like I’m still waiting for it to happen.
So I make myself a deal: if he replies, I’ll tell him why I have to unsubscribe.
Sure, it will be made-up bullshit about not being able to afford to keep subscribing, but considering I’m living rent-free in my sister’s guesthouse, it’s not a complete lie.
If he doesn’t respond, I’ll unsubscribe without explanation.
Leave it up to fate and the very likely reality that his inbox is flooded.
Either way, I’m hitting that unsubscribe button eventually.
I force myself to leave my phone in the kitchen while I get ready for the day. Today’s interview is in pediatrics, and who doesn’t love kids? They all see me as a friendly giant. I could work with children. Sick children? That might be more difficult.
There are a few open positions I’ve found to try for, and thankfully, I’m in a highly sought-after industry, but I’m dragging my feet over taking the plunge.
I don’t want to take any job, which is why I didn’t look for a position until I was here.
Until I knew I would like it in Edmonton.
I know me, and if I had taken another ER position, I wouldn’t look for something I really want.
When you’re stuck in the grind, it feels so consuming, like that’s all life is, and then the second you step away, the whole world floods in and reminds you of what you’ve been missing out on.
I love nursing, but I don’t love spending every waking hour at work.
Curtis sounded down on himself when I jokingly called him unemployed, but this is the life. If only someone would pay me to do it, since, you know, I kind of need to eat. And pay Gunner’s subscription.
Priorities. David and Melanie are amazing, but I’d like to not completely take advantage of them. I need to find a job so I can start paying my way.
Once I’m ready to go, I finally give in to the urge to grab my phone and almost choke on air at the notification staring me in the face.
New message: Gunner.
Why the hell is he messaging me? I know that was the entire point of sending something to him, but I never entertained the reality that he’d write back. Or so soon.
Oh, hey! A message with actual words in it. Thank you for the appreciation, and I’m glad you like the tat. Drew it myself.
He … what?
I quickly pull up a video and skip ahead to his abs.
Only this time, I’m not giving his muscles my whole attention and focusing on his art instead.
He drew that. I’m impressed. I know his reply was probably a standard “thanks, convo over” type of thing, but I write back before I can stop myself.
And it’s not the message about unsubscribing like I promised it would be.
That’s incredible. I can’t even draw a stick figure.
His immediate response catches me by surprise, and I’m hit with this surreal moment that somewhere, Curtis is holding his phone, texting me back, with no clue that I’m the one he’s texting.
Gunner
A stick figure? Come on. Everyone can draw a stick figure.
KingdomHearts
I’m serious. It always ends up with one leg longer than the other, or the legs attached too high on the body, making it look like it has a little peen, or if I DO manage to get the appendages right, the head is either decapitated, enormous or tiny. It’s a real problem.
Gunner
Sounds like you’ve done a lot of study on the subject.
KingdomHearts
I’m nothing if not an academic.
I’m not at all an academic, so I have no worldly clue where that came from. Maybe I shouldn’t have messaged him at all, because what if he thinks I’m weird and Finn’s weird, then puts me together with this account?
All I know is that I could never be a super spy because secrets are apparently not a strength of mine.
Gunner
Smart guy, huh?
KingdomHearts
I wish that was true, but I only wrote that to sound cool and immediately regretted it. Sorry to say that I’m an average guy of average intelligence.
Gunner
And terrible stick figures. You’re really selling yourself.
KingdomHearts
Wait until I tell you I’m unemployed too.
I immediately hate myself for typing that. Just once, I’d like to own a fully functioning brain that doesn’t shut down around hot guys.
Gunner
There is no way you’re paying me the money you’re paying me without a job or generational wealth. So are you lying again? Or am I about to have to make you my Sugar Daddy?
I choke on a laugh.
KingdomHearts
Sorry to disappoint, but I really am telling the truth this time.
Here it is. Here is my opening to cut this off at the knees and unsubscribe.
The unemployment is new. I’m actually on my way to a job interview right now.
That’s not unsubscribing, jackass! Now, not only am I making it worse by actually talking to him, but I’m also running late. I should have left five minutes ago since I have no clue what traffic and parking will be like.
Gunner
Good luck!
KingdomHearts
Thanks.
And still, I haven’t done the one thing I promised myself I’d do. Even knowing that I’ll never be able to look Curtis in the eye after this isn’t compelling enough to hit that button.
I want to write more, but I need to leave, and when Gunner doesn’t reply again, I have to let it go. The conversation is over.
I’m a stranger to him.
A literal nobody. Which probably shouldn’t be as disappointing as it is.