Epilogue
CURTIS
TWO YEARS LATER
“Where are we?” Beth asks, looking around the public library. It’s been transformed into an event space for the very thing I thought would never happen but wanted so badly.
“We’re at my book launch. I wrote a graphic novel.” I did it. I actually fucking did it.
Sure, it took a few more rejection emails, a tweak to the story and pages, and a fresh, baby-faced book agent who fell in love with my art and worked his ass off to get me a good deal.
I still can’t believe I kept at it until it happened. I was about ready to give up after the second rejection, but Finn’s been there all the way, encouraging me and reminding me that it will take time and to not get downhearted.
Not going to lie, it was difficult, but telling myself that the rejections happened and the world didn’t end has been the thing to keep me going.
And now all my disappointment, hard work, and sensitivity to rejection has paid off …
that is, until I read reviews. Then my rejection issues might really kick up a notch.
“Oh!” Beth says like she hasn’t already been told sixty times. “Amazing. Well done, you.” At least it’s good news that she’s hearing for the first time over and over again. “I have a son, Curtis, who is into art. You should meet him.”
Meet him. Be him. Same thing.
Beth’s decline has worn on all of us. The meds don’t seem to work at slowing it down at all, and she’s at the point now where she rarely knows who I am anymore, and she thinks Finn is her husband.
If I didn’t love her so much, I’d tell her to back away from my man.
It still breaks my heart to see her the way she is. The woman who practically raised me is nowhere to be seen anymore, but having Finn watching over her in the assisted-living facility helps. Some days, it hurts when she actually does remember because I know it won’t last.
On the days I can’t bear to see her, he reminds me that she wouldn’t know if I visited or not. He reassures me that she’s happily living in her own mind and that she doesn’t need to see me every other day.
I still feel guilty as heck, but between David, Mel, and their baby, Lizzy—full name Elizabeth after Beth—and me, she has visitors often.
More than other people in her ward, which makes me sad.
I get that it’s difficult to see your loved ones like that, but to not visit at all?
As much as those thoughts of staying away get to me too, I couldn’t live with myself.
“Where are we?” Beth asks again as Finn comes back from the bathroom, where he disappeared to as soon as we arrived. Her face lights up. “Henry! There you are. Where did you run off to?”
“Just went to the bathroom, my love.” He takes her arm and winks at me.
He’s so, so good with her, playing along with whatever is in her head to avoid causing a scene, to gently reminding her he’s her nurse, not her husband, whenever she crosses the line into frisky territory.
“Let’s have a look around, and I’ll get you a drink. ”
“Ooh, date night!”
David and I haven’t mastered knowing when she will take the truth well and when she won’t, but Finn has it down to an art. He’s so good at what he does, and I’m so thankful he found his calling.
Considering I was terrified of a big, bad relationship, the last two years have been the happiest of my life.
With Finn continuing on Money Shot with me for the first year of our relationship, we were recently able to purchase a gorgeous house in David and Melanie’s neighborhood, and now our mortgage repayments are less than what we were paying in rent.
Finn will still film with me occasionally, but with my small book advance and the projections my agent and publisher have shown me for my book for the next year, I might be able to step back from it soon too.
It’s hard to walk away from the kind of money it brings me, but at the same time, I’ve been thinking more and more about the future Finn wants. Marriage. Kids. I don’t want to be doing porn forever, and if this launch goes well, my publisher has expressed interest in turning it into a series.
This is the beginning of the rest of my life or whatever that cliché saying is.
Drawing full-time, creating art … that’s what I want to be doing, so as soon as I can earn my share of the bills from it, I’m going to disable Money Shot and try to wipe every video of me from existence.
The last thing I’d want is for my teenage child to be exploring the world of porn and come across their dad’s face.
I’m not delusional enough to think I can get every single video off the internet—once it’s out there, it’s out there—but the chances of them finding it will be greatly reduced.
And yes, I’ve thought about this a lot lately.
Do I want to have kids anytime soon? No. But every time we’re with Lizzy, I get an inch or two closer to wanting to look into it. It’s only a matter of time.
Which means it’s also only a matter of time before I ask the only man I’ve probably ever loved to marry me. What I had before him—all those romances that I thought were love but never were—was me trying to find love while hiding behind a wall.
It was never going to work.
With Finn? I can’t know for sure what the future will hold, but I’m not scared of it.
He reminds me every single day why he was the one who got through my defenses and why he deserves all of my heart.
Finn deserves the world, and while I’m not in a position to give it to him yet, I’m on my way, and I’m going to keep going until I get it for him.
I should be mingling and talking to people, working the room, but I’m standing back from the crowd and watching as people stand around the cocktail tables, surrounded by hanging fairy lights and talking amongst themselves.
Everyone is here for me, and that’s so fucking surreal I need a minute to take it all in.
Warm arms wrap around my back, and cold lips land on my cheek.
“What are you doing hiding over here?” Finn asks and lowers his head to rest on my shoulder.
“Trying to convince myself that my publisher didn’t pay every last person in this room to be here and pretend to like my book.”
“Pfft. Like they’d ever front that much money.” There’s a beat before he says, “It was me. I paid them.”
I turn to look at him. “What?”
His smile falls. “Okay, so we’re too nervous to joke. Got it.” He puts his big hands on my shoulders. “You’ve got this. And if you don’t, just remember that I’m here to give you gentle nudges when you need them.” The same way I’ve been there for him whenever he’s needed a gentle nudge.
We do that for each other. Push one another to be our best selves, to achieve the things we want, and to be the happiest we can be.
I swallow hard. “I’m probably going to need a lot of them, which won’t leave you much time to run around after Beth. Where did she go? Did you already lose her?”
“No, and I’ve only lost one patient, thank you very much, and it wasn’t my fault. They looked young enough to be let outside. How was I supposed to know they’d wander?”
I snort. It was only his first day on the job, and even though it’s been two years since he got the job, he has never lived that down.
“But no, she’s with David and Mel. You looked like you needed me.”
I step to him and wrap my arms around his back. “I will always need you.”
He kisses the top of my head. “Good. Because I’m not going anywhere.”
And as I pull back and look into his eyes, I can honestly say for the first time in my life, the chaotic monster called Fear of Rejection is quiet because I know what Finn and I have is strong enough to endure anything.
He’s my forever, so there isn’t so much as a quiver in my voice when I say, “Neither am I.”