MARLOW #2
I grimace. Because damn it, I don't want to talk about this.
A month ago I was lying in a hospital bed after my latest suicide attempt. Well, the latest one they found out about. There were others before that. I just happened to save myself those times.
So. I could probably give the doctor the whole speech.
About my impossible dreams. I could talk about how nobody understands me, how everyone looks at me like I'm completely insane because I've got a perfectly healthy alpha body, blah blah blah.
The problem is that I'm tired of explaining myself.
Nobody gets it anyway, so what's the point of wasting my breath?
"I came here to make my dream happen," I say, cutting off the conversation. "I'm not going to be super picky about the match."
Dr. Lee slowly pulls out a tissue and discreetly wipes his nose.
"Allergies?" I ask with a fake polite smile, that matches his facial expressions.
"Do you happen to have pets?"
"My roommate has a cat," I lie smoothly.
In reality, I spent my final year of veterinary school, alone in my dorm room. No roommates.
Just ME.
"Ah, that explains it. I have a severe cat allergy, and cat protein gets everywhere. Clothes, hair, furniture."
He sounds mildly annoyed, like he's personally offended by his own immune system.
"But where were we? Right. This isn't really a matter of being picky, Mr. Nolan. You need to remember that participants in our program are paired together because it’s expected to improve the chances of success.
Fertility activation and hormonal transition aren't things that can be achieved in a sealed laboratory.
We can't give someone a hormone injection and expect it to work.
Artificial hormones have limited effectiveness in ABO populations.
The only reliable proof that someone has truly transitioned to an omega hormonal profile is an actual pregnancy. "
He discreetly wipes his nose again while I look away and focus on the fluffy pink ball attached to the pen.
I already know all of this and accepted it long ago. Still, I listen because it would be rude not to.
"But that also means that if a participant becomes pregnant, the father is the other participant in the pair, and that effectively creates the foundation of a family.
That's why I was surprised when you declined to review potential partners and agreed to a match sight unseen. It's a very important decision."
I look down at my hands, flexing my fingers slightly. For a long moment, I consider what to tell him because he's just another person in a very large crowd of people who'll never get it.
"I'm an omega, Dr. Lee," I say firmly, holding his gaze. "Don't let this fool you."
I gesture toward my chest.
"Though this alpha-looking body seems to deceive everybody else.
This facility is the only place that can potentially give me what I want.
I'm determined to make things work with whichever alpha you assign me.
If things are genuinely terrible, I'll tell you.
You mentioned in your emails that reassignments sometimes happen, but I'm not a difficult person, and I'm good at adapting. "
I lean forward slightly.
"And I know perfectly well that I'm joining this program late and only because you did me a favor."
"That doesn't mean you don't have the right to choose your partner like others have."
I close my eyes.
"I need to be very clear about this. This program is a huge opportunity for me. Actually, scratch that; it's my only opportunity. So no, I'm not going to spend weeks sorting through dozens of candidates and turning my nose up at people before I've even met them."
Dr. Lee lets out something that sounds vaguely like an awkward laugh, though it's so mechanical that it's almost funny.
"Dozens? There aren't many alphas wanting the same thing as you. We have only twenty five pairs."
I sigh, feeling impatience creeping in.
I've been past the debating stage for a long time now, and I have no interest in revisiting it.
"Can you just show me the one you picked for me?" I ask through slightly clenched teeth. "We can handle this quickly. I'll know right away whether it's a tolerable match."
Dr. Lee makes a small gesture with one hand, clicks something on the screen, and then turns the monitor toward me. As he does, though, his elbow bumps the edge of the desk organizer, sending the cup full of pens tipping over.
Well, it would've hit the floor if I were a normal person.
Instead, I catch it, and somehow manage to snag every pen that's flying out of it at the same time. A second later the cup is sitting right back where it was on the desk.
Dr. Lee blinks.
"Oh. Wow. Nice reflexes!"
"It's nothing," I mumble.
Personally, I'd be grateful if he'd pick up the pen with the fluffy pink ball hanging off it and wave it around a little for my entertainment, but obviously that's not happening, duh.
Dr. Lee lets out a quiet sigh and nudges the cup farther away from the edge of the desk. In the process, he slides it a little closer to me, making the pink ball sway gently from side to side.
Seriously. He could stop torturing me.
"This is Rupert Nash. He's twenty-five, so one year older than you. He's also in the medical field, and I'll admit that fact influenced my decision. From what I understand, you graduated from veterinary school last month, correct?"
I nod.
"Rupert is a dental technician. Not exactly the same field, obviously, but it's closer than, say, a metallurgical engineer, and that was my second option."
He looks weirdly pleased with himself, like he's been having fun matching people.
I look at the photo on the screen.
The guy has dark hair, a pretty decent face, and nothing obvious to complain about.
Dark eyes, a light dusting of freckles across his cheeks, which makes him seem more youthful.
Looking at him doesn't spark any particularly positive feelings, but it doesn't spark negative ones either. My reaction is basically neutral.
"The other advantage is that Rupert is joining the program now as well.
We didn't have a suitable match for him earlier.
One of the candidates withdrew at the last minute, so Rupert ended up waiting for another opening, and then you appeared.
You'll both be new here, which I think works in your favor. "
Dr. Lee taps a section of the questionnaire next to Rupert's photo, clearly trying to draw my attention to it.
"Rupert wrote a few things about himself. You should probably take a look."
I focus on the screen. There are several short notes there, written pretty sparsely.
There's also a list of reasons he joined the program. The questionnaire had separate fields for applicants to list them individually.
Need for change in life.
Desire to start a family.
Desire to find a compatible partner.
Desire to relocate.
And…
Financial reasons.
That last one catches my eye immediately.
My eyebrows go up.
My brother-in-law told me participants get paid well for being here, but I never bothered asking for details because money is about the last thing on my mind.
Rupert obviously cared if he felt the need to list finances as one of his main reasons.
"Exactly how much are they paying people here?"
A small twitch passes across Dr. Lee's face.
He pulls a file from a folder beside him, opens it, and turns a chart toward me.
"Oh wow."
The words just slip out.
"Yeah, okay. That's definitely more money than a dental technician is making."
An unpleasant thought creeps into my head. Could some participants be here solely for the paycheck? Had Welrun gotten desperate enough to start throwing huge amounts of money around just to attract participants and keep the research going?
I look back at Rupert's application.
Every section I filled out in painstaking detail, explaining who I was, what I wanted, and why I was applying, has only a few brief sentences from him. It almost looks like he filled the whole thing out without really caring.
"He's here for the money," I say out loud.
Dr. Lee keeps wearing that same strange expression that's somehow both polite and formal.
"Mr. Nolan, participants in our program fall into two groups.
The first group consists of ordinary alphas who have no interest in changing their hormonal profile but are capable of becoming sires.
We call them ‘vectors’. The second group we call ‘varias’, who like yourself, genuinely want to live as omegas, experience heats, become pregnant, nest, and give birth.
But I don't want that difference in goals to discourage you, though, because each group serves a different role within the program. "
I breathe out slowly. To be fair, what was I expecting?
It's not like the guys Dr. Lee calls vectors are signing up because they have some lifelong dream of meeting an alpha who wants to become an omega. If that were their main motivation, it'd frankly sound more like a fetish than anything else.
Maybe this is better?
If he at least wants a family and doesn't have a problem building one with someone who happened to be born an alpha, that's already enough of a foundation. Maybe I shouldn't complain.
My eyes move across Rupert's questionnaire again.
One section answers the question: What events in your life directly led to your decision to join the program?
Rupert's response reads:
The dental practice owned by my uncle, where I worked, hired several new employees.
I didn't get along with some of them. I felt like I needed a major change in my life, a chance to leave the family business behind and do something exciting and unusual.
I really needed a sharp turn, because I felt like I was stuck.
Well.
Reasons as good as any, I guess.
The event that directly led to me being here was a suicide attempt.
That was the moment Blue took pity on me and used his connections to get me a place in the program.