15. Ella
15
ELLA
S itting silently alongside Theias, my mind remains groggy from the sedative he gave me. While I don’t feel as erratic as I did this morning, I’m still filled with much confusion and regret. The blame lies solely at Blake’s feet, but I can’t help placing some of it on Theias for forcing me to see what I’ve been in denial about since leaving California.
When I woke up, Theias was there. Watching me silently, waiting for something I couldn’t provide. I think I saw guilt in his eyes, but he can be so hard to read. After he’d explained where we were going and why, I allowed him to help me dress before I was given a protein smoothie.
Caleb drives us on our way to Dearborn, a suburb of Las Vegas where this women’s clinic is located, and I can’t seem to take my eyes off the desert laid out on the side of the road.
I grew up in Los Angeles; I’m no stranger to the terrain, but there’s something a little more…benevolent in the Nevada deserts. I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s because of the man beside me. I just know that it makes me pause and wonder how many bodies lie out there, abandoned. Waiting to be discovered.
Then I wonder if there’s any out there at Theias’ hand.
How morbid are my thoughts, circling like vultures waiting to strike at my deepest vulnerabilities. Unable to defend myself against the turbulent mindset, I close my eyes and try counting my breaths.
The warmth of Theias’ large hand on my thigh startles me into looking over at him. His eyes are haunted. “I’m sorry,” he stammers, the words tearing from his soul.
Launching myself into his body, the tears hovering at the surface fall freely and unheeded. He wraps me up in his fierce embrace, holding me so tight it’s hard to breathe as he inhales at my throat.
No words are spoken as he keeps me in his lap, not withdrawing or allowing me to pull back. No, he’s a man possessed in reassuring his woman–me.
“I feel so lost,” I whisper.
Sifting his fingers through my hair, Theias tugs my head back, forcing me to meet his stare. “I’ll always find you, baby. Always.” Lowering his mouth to mine, he sips at my lips, imbibing in gentle kisses, licking lightly, and sucking until I open for him.
He keeps the kiss slow, with the purpose of showing me he can be kind. That he can give me what I need while holding his own desires at bay.
My tears grow heavier, faster, and hotter, streaming down my cheeks. My head is a jumbled mess of confusion and sadness, while my heart screams that I can trust Theias. I know I can…I think. I want to. But Blake broke me, and I now recognize that I was hiding behind bravado and fear.
“Your tears are going to destroy me.”
Tipping my head back again, our eyes lock, and I see so much in his depths. I wonder if he knows what he’s revealing. The care, the worry, but there’s something darker–a vengeance for the agony I’ve gone through.
“Please don’t do anything that will take you away from me.” We barely know each other, but I know I was born to be his. To belong to Theias Lorde is the gift I never knew I needed.
“I’ll never leave you.”
I believe him. The vehemence in his tone, the passion vibrating from his body, tells me more than words ever could.
He holds me the rest of the way to the clinic. I grow drowsy as we drive, and soon, I’m startled awake by the sound of slamming doors. Theias’ grasp tightens so I don’t jump out of his arms.
“We’re here,” he says softly as the back door of his limo opens, and Caleb offers me a hand to step out. Accepting it, I exit but remain close to the vehicle until Theias is at my side. “Ready?”
I hesitate but eventually take the first step forward.
From the outside, the clinic looks older but taken care of. It’s a single-story building with plants on either side of the front door, along with one of those porch welcome signs–something I’ve always wanted to make for my own home one day. There is a raised garden bed of flowers with open picnic tables to one side and shaded picnic tables on the other.
As we enter the air-conditioned building, it is much more modern than the facade, and fully equipped with expensive computers, inviting furniture, and from what I can see down the hallways, lots of medical equipment. It looks and feels very state-of-the-art. I guess that’s what private funding will get you.
“Ah, you’re here,” a woman in her mid-fifties greets us. She has blonde hair piled up high on her head, glasses perched on her nose, and a stethoscope around her neck. “I’m Dr. Edwards, but please call me Mia.”
“I’m Theias; this is Ella.” He reaches forward first to shake her hand, keeping his other hand on my hip, ready to protect me at all costs.
“Nice to meet you both.” I like that she doesn’t try forcing me into shaking her hand. I didn’t realize I wasn’t ready to until now. “Why don’t you follow me down to the exam room, and we can get started on some of the basics.”
As we follow behind her, she talks about the clinic and how she came about opening them. That each is like her children. The love she has for her work is admirable.
“Here we are. Ella, if you’ll hop up on the table, I’m just going to grab a new chart from my office.” She’s gone before I can agree.
Theias doesn’t hesitate to lift me up. I pull him back when he goes to move away from me. “Please don’t,” I barely whisper.
“Perfect.” Mia flashes a bright smile as she enters, closing the door behind her. “You can sit if you’d like, Theias.” He grunts but only steps to the side so I can see Mia clearly as she sits on a swivel stool and prepares to write down whatever information she needs.
“So, you’re pregnant?” I nod. “Do you know how far along?”
“About eight or nine weeks.” She jots that down.
“From what Theias has told me, I gather he isn’t the biological father?” There’s no judgment; it’s the only reason I can squeak out an answer.
“That’s right.” My heart pounds. “The father…he won’t be in the picture.” Not if I can help it.
“He was…abusive.” She doesn’t pose it as a question, and with a tight throat, I nod again. “Do you want to keep the baby, Ella?” Her question is blunt and no-nonsense, but she delivers it with compassion.
Swallowing past the discomfort, my eyes flick up to catch Theias watching me with encouragement in his eyes. “I don’t want an abortion,” I reply. I sat for days with the idea of that before deciding it wasn’t for me.
“What about adoption?” I open my mouth to speak, but the doctor continues. “I’m not pressing you to choose anything. I want you to be aware of your options. I want you to think long-term regarding your mental well-being.” She pauses for me to absorb that, and I’m not sure I understand entirely what she means. “Babies created from toxic relationships, whether there’s mental or physical abuse, or rape…raising them can be harmful to the mother and the child.”
“How–uh, how did you know?” My grip on Theias is painful now.
“Theias explained you were leaving a toxic relationship. Unfortunately, most of my patients are in similar circumstances. I see a lot of things I wish I could change. Until I figure out how, it’s my job to make sure you understand your options at this moment and how there can be effects down the line. I want what is best for you and your child. Whatever your decision is, I will support you the best I can.”
Tears burn down my cheeks. I hadn’t thought about the future. Only the now.
Theias turns my head to face him, lifting it with his finger. He presses his lips to my forehead gently before resting his against mine. “Whatever you want,” he whispers.
“I want to keep it.” The words flow with so much strength and certainty that I’m sure it’s what’s right and what I truly desire.