Chapter 9 #2
He felt her searching just as deeply and held back only a portion of his thoughts. “Do I need romance?” His voice had deepened. He hoped she wouldn’t notice.
“I think we all need love and romance.” Her eyes held the color of the last blue of the sky just before the light of the sun vanished. He could almost see the flicker of sunlight behind the darkness of her irises.
“Do you need love and romance?” Would she accept it from the likes of him—a man marked and marred by the life his mother had lived?
She blinked, and the moment ended. “What I need is to get my memory back and learn who I am.”
How had he forgotten that he didn’t know who she was?
For all he knew, she might be married. By not taking into account a woman’s marital status, he acknowledged he wasn’t all that different from his mother.
He would apologize to Emily, but she had no idea of the direction his thoughts had gone, and he feared to say something that would only make Emily uncomfortable.
She laid the book aside. “I will say good night now.”
“Sleep well.”
“I will, now that you have forgiven me.” Her smile filled him with warmth.
He listened to her footsteps on the stairs and as she walked down the hall. Her door closed with a faint click. He picked up the book and stared at the title. Pride and Prejudice. How fitting. It was the latter that marred his life. He’d developed the former to protect his heart.
His gaze drifted to the window. She’d been worried about his safety. Concerned that her words had hurt him. Apart from his grandmother and the Marshalls, who were like family to him, he’d never known that kind of caring from anyone else.
Tomorrow, he would go with her to the doctor, if she would allow it, and hopefully learn how to help her regain her memory. Would knowing who she was make things easier or more complicated?
The truth shall set you free. He nodded as he recalled the scripture. It would set her free to resume her life. What would it do for him? It would surely make it possible for him to resume his life, as well. A sheriff who did his duty and guarded his heart.
He put the book on the side table and turned out the lamp.
For some reason, he felt compelled to make sure the doors were firmly latched.
Gram had left open one window in the kitchen to let in the cool night air, and he closed it.
She would complain in the morning, but Emily was right.
There were men out there who would not hesitate to harm others.
He couldn’t be looking for them and guarding Emily at the same time.
In the morning, he would deputize Clarence and send him out to look for a man wearing silver-toed boots and a horse with an odd-shaped shoe.
And anything else that might lead them to the murdering trio.
“Do you want me to go with you?” Jesse asked the next morning as Emily nervously prepared to leave the house to visit the doctor. At his words, he watched the tension drain from her.
“I would appreciate it, but don’t you have a job to attend to?”
“I’ll look around as we go there and thus do my job at the same time.
” As soon as he got the verdict from the doctor, he would find Clarence and then take care of the paperwork that dogged his heels.
He liked being a sheriff but didn’t much care for being his own secretary.
It was part of the job, though, so he did it to the best of his ability.
There were often letters from other sheriffs asking him to keep an eye out for someone.
Or asking about a family that they searched for.
Today, he was more anxious than normal to open his mail, hoping there would be something about a missing young woman and child.
Except no one would know of their circumstances.
The Newmans had moved on. Whoever had sent her would think she was with them.
But, sooner or later, some information would surface.
Emily turned to Gram. “Are you sure you don’t mind watching Mikey?”
Gram chuckled at the little boy and the dog playing in the backyard. “It’s a pleasure to see Muffin enjoying Mikey’s company. You two run along. We’ll do just fine together.”
Jesse steered Emily down the step to the sidewalk. “Don’t look so regretful.”
“I know she has sewing to do and I’m keeping her from it. Just as I know, I am keeping you from your work.”
He tucked her arm around his elbow, liking the feeling of taking care of her. He told her about some of the letters he’d received. “So, you see, it’s my job to find lost individuals, as well.”
She increased the pressure of her hand on his forearm. “Well, I’m glad I am giving you meaningful work.” Her laugh lacked mirth. “I welcome your company. I confess I am afraid.”
“Of what? Of not getting your memory back? Surely, the doctor can fix that.”
“I’m as afraid of what I’ll learn about myself when my memory returns as I am that my memory won’t return.”
“You told me to believe I am a good man. I’m asking you to believe you are also a good person.”
“I’m trying. Truly, I am.”
He noticed how nervously she glanced around as they crossed the street. Did she have a reason other than her loss of memory to be fearful? He hated the doubts arising within him, and yet his job and his life had taught him to be cautious.
They reached the doctor’s house and entered the office door. A young man and an older woman were already there. Jesse knew them both, and they exchanged greetings.
Emily sat on a bench waiting for the doctor to call her. Her hands twisted together so tightly that her knuckles turned white. If they’d been alone, he would have taken her hands between his and told her not to be afraid.
Instead, he remained standing, her tension reverberating along his nerves.
He tried to imagine how it would feel not to know who he was.
No doubt he, too, would wonder what sort of person he’d been.
Maybe the hurtful comments others had sent his way would feel true. That must be how it was for Emily.
Doc saw the waiting woman. A few minutes later, she emerged, and the doctor saw the young man.
Jesse sat at Emily’s side. “Whatever happens, you have friends here. Don’t forget that.”
She darted a glance his way. “I’m hoping they will still be my friends if I learn something awful about myself.”
“I can’t imagine there would be anything like that.”
The doctor opened the door. “Which of you is the patient?”
Emily jerked to her feet. “Me. But I want Jesse to come in, too.”
“Very well.”
They followed Doc into the examining room. Jesse looked around. Where was Albert Stevens, the young man who had become Doc’s assistant when Doc’s daughter, Kate, married Conner?
Doc saw his curiosity. “Young Stevens has gone to check on Mrs. Adams and her new baby. Now, what can I do for you, Miss Emily?”
Emily perched on the edge of the hard chair. “My memory hasn’t returned. What can you do to help?”
Jesse knew his hat would be permanently crooked if he didn’t quit twisting it, but he couldn’t make himself stop.
Doc leaned forward. “Are you having headaches?”
Emily shook her head. “I feel fine. I just need to remember who I am.”
Jesse wondered if Doc heard the way her voice trembled.
“My dear, sometimes our brain blocks something fearful or hurtful and doesn’t let us remember until we feel the danger has passed. I suspect that might be what is happening with you.” He studied her a moment, his face swathed in sympathy. “Do you experience fear or perhaps sorrow?”
She blinked rapidly as if keeping tears back.
Jesse wanted nothing so much as to take her hands and comfort her.
Her voice crackled as she answered the doctor. “I worry I might not like who I am. I wonder if I’ve done something awful. I feel nameless fears.”
Doc considered her answer for a moment. “Unfortunately, I can’t give you anything to help you remember, but I can suggest a few things you can do.”
Jesse caught his breath and heard Emily do the same as they waited for Doc’s recommendations.
“First, realize your fears might be false. Our brains can do strange things to us. So can our hearts. The Bible says, ‘The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked.’ In part, that means what we tell ourselves is not always true. Second, stop trying to remember. Go out, visit people, do fun things. Live as normal a life as you can. I believe doing so will make your brain relax. And last, but by far not least, trust the good Lord.” He came around the desk and patted Emily’s shoulder. “He has good things planned for you.”
Emily nodded. “I feel like that man in the Bible who said, ‘I do believe; help my unbelief.’”
“Keep praying that, and you’ll do just fine.”
“Will my memory ever return?” she asked.
“I can’t say. But I know you can’t wish it back or force it back.” He patted her shoulder again.
She slowly got to her feet. “Thank you, Doctor.”
“I wish I could be of more help.”
Jesse led the way out of the doctor’s office.
They fell in side by side. He guessed she was as unsettled by the doctor’s words as he.
Trusting God wasn’t always easy. And relaxing when it was the last thing one wanted to do was nigh unto impossible.
He decided right then and there that it was up to him to help her do both.
“Do you want to see my office?” he asked, suspecting she wasn’t ready to return to the house.
“I’d like that.” They passed the schoolhouse, now silent as the children spent the summer with their parents, helping with farmwork and gardening and tending younger siblings. They reached the town square.
“It was Grandfather Marshall’s idea to have a little park in the center of town, a place that invited friends and neighbors to exchange greetings and visit for a bit.” The benches and flowers added to the inviting atmosphere.
Emily glanced around. “It’s a nice place.”