Chapter 8
Chapter 8
Raven
“W hy am I doing this again?” I asked no one as I pulled my hair to the top of my head and made a sort of bun thing.
I really shouldn’t be doing this. In fact, I should be running in the opposite direction. But I didn’t think I was going to have another option. Not when I had already said yes, and not when I really wanted to.
And that was on me. It was so stupid. It would be easier if I would just walk away, not run towards this. But I knew this wasn’t a choice.
“Fucking get out of your head and just get it done.”
That was enough of the pep talks today.
I slid my feet into my running shoes, happy I’d gotten the kinds without ties. I hated having to tie my shoes. Nora could probably tie her shoes better than I could at this point. I just loved slip-ons.
I slid my phone into the pocket of my leggings, once again grateful that companies started making those so I didn’t have to strap my phone to various parts of my body.
When I opened the door, steeling myself for what was to come, I paused, surprised that they were already there.
“Raven! You’re here! I’m so excited that you’re going to be running with us. My legs are too short to run and Daddy doesn’t like to push the stroller anymore because I’m a big girl, so now I have a bike.” She pointed down to her brand-new bike, complete with bow and tassels.
I smiled. “Look at that. And you match your helmet.”
I purposely didn’t look behind Nora because I didn’t want to see him.
“Daddy got it for me because I’m too big for my baby bike. I don’t even need training wheels.” She beamed and flicked her tongue against her loose tooth.
I held back my shudder, because I hated teeth. I hated the idea of loose teeth, cavities, drilling, anything having to do with the dentist. I had no idea how Sebastian dealt with a little girl who was about to lose all of the teeth inside her head and have those replaced by new ones. How was that normal?
“I see you’re ready to go?” a deep voice said, interrupting my thoughts.
I turned to see him then and swallowed hard. He had on a soft, gray T-shirt that clung to his muscles. It was short sleeved so I could see most of his ink, and running shorts that stopped right above the knee. Whenever he lifted his leg, the shorts would ride up and I would be able to see more—and I should not think about that.
I shouldn’t think about the fact that Sebastian had thick thighs, and I loved thick thighs. There was something wrong with me.
“Are you ready to go?” Nora asked, bouncing on her seat.
I nodded, then turned and locked the door, checking to make sure it was secure. “I’m ready. Should I have brought water or something?”
Sebastian pointed to Nora’s bike. “It has space for two water bottles, so we can share. Or, I have money, we’ll stop for a coffee or something.”
“Can I have a coffee?” Nora asked, fluttering her little eyelashes.
Sebastian rolled his eyes. “When you’re thirty.”
“Sebastian, you’re not even thirty yet.”
He narrowed his eyes at me, and it did things to me that I didn’t want to think about.
“Don’t be a traitor.”
“Rude,” I teased, and he shook his head and rolled his shoulders back.
“You going to stretch at all?” he asked, his voice oddly deep.
I licked my lips, and his gaze tracked the movement. Oh God. This was going to be a problem. A very big problem. But I nodded and slowly bent down, stretching my legs a bit, paying attention to my thighs because I tended to get tight there.
I didn’t bend down in front of him and was thankful that my sports bra and tank covered everything. The last thing I needed to do was flash Sebastian in front of his daughter.
I didn’t need to flash Sebastian at all, I needed to remember that. I was not insane. But I sure as hell felt like it by then.
“Okay, ready?” Sebastian asked after a moment, his voice a deep growl.
“I’m ready, Daddy!” Nora called out, and then she pumped her little legs, and she was moving like fire.
“Oh. Am I supposed to catch up with her?” I asked, holding back my laugh.
Sebastian shook his head. “She’ll slow down. She knows to stay on the same block as me, so I can always see her. Usually she just rides right next to me, and I try not to let her run into my ankles.” He snorted. “I’ll block you if she comes at us. She’s decent at the bike, but it’s still touch and go sometimes.”
I couldn’t help it, I laughed and shook my head. “This is going to be interesting.”
He met my gaze for a long moment. “Interesting sure works.”
We took off after Nora, with me running beside him. He was taller than me by more than a few inches, maybe even a foot. I had to work twice as hard to keep up with him, but I liked running. This was something I could do, and Sebastian didn’t seem to want to talk right then, at least when he was keeping an eye on Nora, so I wouldn’t have to pant every other word.
Because just making sure that my breathing didn’t sound like I was suffocating was hard enough. I didn’t know if I could make conversation.
We turned the corner and moved down the block towards the park. This neighborhood had wide sidewalks, and a biking path for Nora if needed. The speed limit was low, this area was made for families. There was even a coffee shop and a couple small stores for last-minute groceries at the entrance of the neighborhood. We weren’t a big city, but it was still a place that you had to drive everywhere, though at least they thought about functionality when they planned the community. I appreciated it, and I was sure that Sebastian appreciated the safety of it. That was probably why the Montgomerys had built so many of the houses here. They did good work, steady work. One day, when I had the money and the inclination, I would buy a house that they made. Probably not a new one, but even their older ones were good quality.
Eventually Nora slowed down and wiggled between us. She only hit me once with the tire, and we nearly both went sprawling. Sebastian gripped Nora’s shirt, keeping her steady, as I took a few stumbling steps, laughing.
“Well, you warned me,” I said, sucking in a deep breath.
Sebastian shook his head and looked down at Nora. “What did we say about trying tricks?” he asked, teasing in his voice.
“That I should wait until I’m with the uncles so you can blame them?” she asked, her humor so much like her father’s that it sent me back in time.
Sebastian had always been the funny one, I was the quiet, steady one, Marley was the shy one. We had all worked together, egging each other on, as best friends do.
I didn’t know when exactly that all changed, maybe when I backed away from wanting to share my lunch with Sebastian at the lunch table, since I knew Marley wanted to. Or that she wanted to hold his hand when we went to the retro roller-skating rank.
I had walked away. And I hadn’t let myself dive deep into that little crush. Not until I came back. And boy did it feel like such an odd betrayal even though it shouldn’t. Even though it couldn’t be.
“You good?” he asked, and I nodded. “I’m fine. I’m not hurt, as long as Nora’s fine.”
“I’m good. Sorry. I got a little loose.”
I frowned, trying to figure out what she meant by that, but Sebastian nodded.
“She wasn’t holding onto the handlebars as tightly,” he clarified.
I nodded. “Oh. That makes sense. You ready to begin again?”
“Yeah. Do you need coffee or something?”
I shook my head, afraid of spending too much time with them. It felt a little too nice. And I didn’t want to think too hard about it. “I don’t know if you know, but my best friend and former roommate makes coffee for a living. I can’t cheat on her.”
I paused, the word ‘cheat’ feeling weird. This wasn’t cheating. Sebastian wasn’t with anyone.
But there was a ghost between us. I couldn’t let myself forget that.
Sebastian just grinned. “You’re right, it would feel wrong. Although I do drink coffee at Taboo when I’m visiting my dad. Sorry.”
“Considering Hailey owns part of our business, and we’re her franchise, I think Taboo’s fine.” I laughed.
“That makes sense. Nora loves the hot cocoa there.”
“Hailey’s the best.” Nora beamed. “But I want to try yours, too. Who’s your best friend?”
“Her name is Greer. I think you’d love her.”
“I’m sure I will,” Nora said. “Besides, Molly and Shane said I need to keep making friends so that way we have a big group like my daddy does.”
“Molly and Shane are your best friends?” I asked, feeling an odd sense of déjà vu.
She nodded, playing with the tassel on her bike.
“Yep. We all like to draw, but Molly and Shane say I’m the best. I love to read, too, and so do they. And we can even read big kid books. And then we’re also in soccer and dance, but I think Molly’s going to be better at dance, or maybe Shane. I’m not as good at dance as I am soccer. I’m a sweeper.”
She kept talking, going a mile a minute, and I just shook my head, smiling.
She was so much like Marley in that moment. Because Marley was shy, until she was with her best friends, then she blurted out everything.
History had a way of repeating itself, and it was odd. And yet, warm.
I looked up at Sebastian, meeting his gaze, and I knew he was thinking the exact same thing, remembering the same memories. But it didn’t hurt this time. I didn’t know why I was on this run, why I had let him kiss me, why I wanted more. I still wanted more. And I didn’t know what I was going to do with that.
Eventually we started our run again, Nora was getting tired, and because I had had to run double pace to keep up with them, I was a little tired too. When we made our way back to the houses, we stood in the front porch area, laughing, and Sebastian brought me out coffee.
“It’s not Greer’s, but it’s decent.”
“You know what, it sounds amazing. And thanks for the bottle of water, too.”
“No problem. Got to stay hydrated.”
“Do you want to do it again? Not today, because we have things to do and I know you’re not supposed to overwork yourself, but I love my bike. And you’re pretty. And you can run. I like running.” Nora continued to talk, and I just laughed.
“Yes. That would be fun.” I blurted the words, thinking of Nora, but when I looked at Sebastian, he had a small smile on his face.
He wasn’t saying no, wasn’t saying this was too much, or too weird.
Well then.
Somebody pulled into the driveway then, and I knew from the way Sebastian’s shoulders tensed and how he set down his mug, that something was going to be bad. This wasn’t one of the countless Montgomerys.
I turned around and saw a familiar couple getting out of a Buick. I knew them even though it had been a few years since the funeral. The woman glared at me and looked between us, I knew what she saw.
A man and a woman and a child laughing and drinking coffee in the morning on a front porch. I saw the tableau and it didn’t matter that I might want Sebastian, that Nora was already a light in my life, I wasn’t Marley.
“Unfaithful,” Marley’s mother snapped. “How could you do this? How could you do this to my daughter? Who is this woman? This tramp? Why is she near Nora? You let this woman sleep in your bed when my granddaughter is right beside her?”
I froze, setting my coffee cup down next to Sebastian’s, appalled.
Marley’s parents had always been tightly wound and conservative in what they thought their daughter should be. But they had never been this bitterly acidic before. At least not to me.
I reached out and slid my hand over Nora’s head unconsciously, and she wrapped her arms around my waist, burying her face into my stomach. I held her close, wanting to shield her.
Marley’s mother continued to spew hate as Marley’s father glowered behind her.
These were Nora’s grandparents .
I had no idea what to say. I wanted to reach out and shake them, to tell them that there was still a little girl here. Theirs might be gone, but Nora was innocent in all of this. How could they treat her like this?
“Raven, please take Nora inside.” His voice was so calm, so cool.
He was holding back everything for his daughter. Because this was already a scene, and he didn’t want to make it worse.
I nodded, meeting his gaze. I tried to will my thoughts to him, for him to know that I stood by him, that I wasn’t going to let Nora get hurt. But I didn’t even know if he could see me right then, not with the pain that Marley’s parents slammed at us.
I turned, taking Nora with me as I walked inside. The fact that she went so easily with me and without even needing her daddy worried me. I moved her back, so I could brush her hair from her face.
“It’s okay, baby.”
Tears streaked her little cheeks, and I reached for a tissue, wiping them away. “Why do they make my dad so sad?” Nora asked, still crying.
It felt like something had lashed my heart, because Nora wasn’t worried about her own feelings. She was worrying about her daddy. I hated all of this. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew I needed to say something.
“They just miss your mom and they’re not very good at saying what they need to. But none of what they say is about you. You’re such a good girl.”
“But I killed my mom.”
She said the words so softly, so matter-of-factly, that they took a second to register. I was already kneeling in front of her, so when I fell on my butt, I took her with me, clinging her to me.
“What? No, you didn’t, baby. You didn’t.”
“But I did. I was born and she died. And Grandma always says God has a plan, but I don’t like the plan since that means my mom is dead.”
I pressed my lips together, so angry and so out of my depth. I wasn’t good at this. I wasn’t good at any of this, but I needed to be. Sebastian wasn’t here, he was dealing with Nora’s grandparents. This wasn’t my place, yet what was I supposed to do? Walk away when this little girl was hurting?
“I’m not good at this, Nora. I don’t know why your mom isn’t here, and I don’t think it’s fair. But you did not kill her. I don’t want you to ever use those words again because you didn’t hurt her. I don’t know about plans or what was supposed to happen, but it’s not fair. Your mom and your dad were my best friends. I hate that she’s not here. But you know what? You look so much like her, Nora. You even remind me of her. So she’s here, inside of you.” I put my hand over her little heart, as she looked up at me with wide eyes. “I knew her when we were your age. And she was so sweet. I’m sorry so darn sorry that she’s not here. But I’m glad that your dad is here for you. Because he’s so great. He loves you. And he doesn’t blame you.”
I hadn’t heard the door, but as it snicked closed I turned and saw him there, anger etched on his face before he blinked it away, to be replaced by an odd look, and I knew he had heard all of it. Every single word.
He knelt between us, kissed the top of Nora’s head, and then kissed my forehead.
Okay then.
I had no idea what I was supposed to do about that.
“Come on. Let’s make some chocolate pancakes, and then I do believe Nora has some art to show us.”
Nora looked up at him and smiled. “I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you, munchkin.”
“Daddy,” she said, exasperated.
“I love you, my Nora. And I love your mom too.” He kissed her forehead again, and then stood up, taking his daughter with him. He held out his hand to help me off the floor.
Yes, he loved Marley, but he was a different man now. Things were different. Because I loved Marley too, I didn’t know what to do.
I looked up at him. “Sebastian.” So many questions in that one word, and I didn’t have answers.
“Just stay, Raven. We can make our own rules.”
I slid my hand into his and knew that was the problem.