Chapter 21 Dissimulator
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
DISSIMULATOR
Any nightwalker who shares the location of the Undercity will be prosecuted.
— Serun’s Law
Leaving the private room feels like a walk of shame.
I’ve returned safely, but what awaits me?
How angry will Jax be when I see him? Part of me wants to hide away from judgment.
The other Feeders will see me as a human wanting the company of our captors.
I doubt anyone will believe me if I tell them he is…
good. I’m not even sure if he is good, or if my own complicated feelings about myself are making me want to believe it.
Because if he isn’t good, where does that leave a half-nightwalker?
Am I good?
I’d like to believe so, but memories of how my mum cringed away from my touch, and the lonely days by the water instead of playing with the other children, tell a different story.
I’ve never truly belonged.
As the women come down the stairs, my throat tightens, and my hands clench into fists. With a quick look at my Bleeder escort, I say, “I’d like to rest in my room.”
We stop by the stairs, and my ears twitch at the whispers from the crowd. Emily and Manni have slowed their descent, waiting for me to finish my conversation with the Bleeder.
The masked man tilts his head in appraisal. “Only if you agree to see the god again tonight.”
My fingers flex, and my tongue darts out to my cracked, dry lips before I say, “Is that what he wants?”
“He insists,” he replies with a slight dip of his head.
Insists?
This nightwalker is strange. But as much as I have more questions, the look on everyone’s faces as they walk past, and Jax’s name slipping from loose lips, has me nodding my head stiffly and saying, “Okay. I will see him again if I can go and rest, and if my friends are given the food you would have given to me.”
“Of course.”
Of course. He nearly sounded human.
As I follow the Bleeder up the stairs, my friends stop. I sense their sharp gazes following me when I walk past and up to our floor.
I know what they will say. I know it because if they were in the same position, I’d do the same. Still, I’m not ready to face Jax. I’m also not ready for the questions.
It’s quiet when I enter the room. The Bleeder quickly leaves, closing the door behind him. Running my fingers through my hair, I sit on Cole’s bed and drop my head between my legs. Whatever is in the airshaft is quiet, but I suppose it has only been active at night.
“Saya?” I suck in a breath and lift my head to see Emily entering. Her brows are knitted together, her wet hair knotted at the base of her neck, while patches of wetness seep through her thin gown. “Are you okay?”
With a tight-lipped smile, I say, “Just tired. What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to bleed soon?”
“I told the Bleeder I was feeling sick and asked if I could bleed later instead, and he agreed. It was weird he let me, but I guess you are important.” I shuffle over on the bed as Emily sits beside me.
She looks ahead, and with a slow nod of her head, she says, “Did you get the answers you needed?”
“No.”
“So you will go back?”
“Yeah,” I say hoarsely.
“Jax won’t like that.” Emily faces me. “And the other women are already wondering if you’re turning into a nightwalker.”
My eyes crinkle as humour stirs in my chest, but I keep my laughter at bay. “Wouldn’t that be funny?”
Emily chuckles as she leans back more comfortably into Cole’s bed. “I don’t believe it. At least not yet. You’ve always been curious about new things.”
I pick at the skin around my fingernail. “Curiosity will kill the cat someday.”
“Someday, but not today.” She nudges my shoulder. “I bailed on food to make sure you were okay, so you better give me at least half tomorrow.”
I nudge her shoulder back. “Only if you tell me the real reason you came in here.”
“Smart.” She tips her head back and stares up at the metal bars. “I never told you how I ended up in here, did I?”
I shake my head. “You said you were caught by a Bleeder while scavenging.”
Emily scoffs out a laugh. “Yeah…I was. But I didn’t tell you how.”
Kicking my feet up, I lie down on Cole’s bed, and Emily does the same. Flat on our backs, shoulder to shoulder, she tells me her story.
“There wasn’t any food where my grandma told me to scavenge, so I ventured out farther than usual. I was desperate. Reckless. So, I went to the nearby shopping district. There was a pharmacy there, and I hoped to find something that could help my grandma.”
Emily, as silly as she can be most of the time, always looks out for others. She was the one who tried to drag Vinny’s body back, even knowing he was dead. All I did was stand there in disbelief while Jax walked past, muttering about another failed escape.
“That’s when I met him.”
I turn my head to see a shimmer in her eyes as she grits her teeth.
“He was clean. Most in the village never cared to clean themselves up. So, seeing someone around my age who was clean—well-dressed, in a way—and scavenging like me was something else. Without a single word, our bodies collided, and I fucked him senseless.”
“Oh…” I say as I slowly nod. “Nice…”
Emily barks a laugh, but tears slip freely from the corners of her eyes.
“It was the first time I’d had sex in fucking years, so the first clean dick I saw, I hopped right on it.
And it became a regular thing. I’d return to the pharmacy, and he would be there.
We would exchange goods—he said he scavenged further than me, so he always had food—and we’d have sex. ”
“Until…?”
She sniffs, and my ears twitch at the snot bubbling in the back of her throat. “I never asked where he came from. We didn’t really talk much. We knew what we both wanted. So, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that he was a Bleeder, right?”
I let out a shallow breath, and Emily nods at my silent response.
“Yeah, I know. I fucked a Bleeder. To him, I was a game. One day, he told me there was a lot more food nearby, but he couldn’t carry it all and needed help. I easily agreed, because I thought, fuck yes! More to take back to my grandma. So I followed him, and…”
I roll over and wrap my arm around her. Her heart stutters, and her breath becomes sharper, her lungs desperate to fill with air.
“I was a fucking idiot, Saya. Desperate to be held. So desperate for connection that I didn’t question anything until it was too late. Walked straight into the fucking house and came out held by three Bleeders who threw me into the van.”
I squeeze her shoulder tighter. “Is he here?”
She shakes her head. “No. Something about a conflict of interest, so he stayed there. And every day I am away from my grandma is another day I wonder if he went after her next.”
“Em…Come here.” I sit up, grab her arm, and pull her until she is sitting in front of me. A hint of laughter escapes between bitter cries when I untie her hair and rake my fingers through. “Your grandma is alive. And when we leave here, we will find her, just as we will find Manni’s sister. Okay?”
With one final messy sniff, she breathes out deeply, then laughs. “You’re so kind, Saya. Like an older sister. You always know what to say.”
Moving behind her, I wrap my fingers around sections of her straight brown hair, and I begin to braid it. “Sometimes…”
Emily tilts her head to look back at me. “This is the last time, isn’t it? You won’t see him again after this?”
I nod firmly. “The last time.”
Her shoulders sag in relief and she faces forward again. “Good.”
Good…