Chapter 11 Jax
Jax
Never in my fucking life had I felt so insecure walking into my own home, like I was an interloper and set to disturb the important goings on within.
Not even back in Wildwood when I’d realized I didn’t fit with the pack, didn’t want the life Reeve wanted to give me, and wouldn’t tolerate another second’s disrespect for Jill.
But Dakota had called me back. Cash was asking for me.
There was nowhere else in the world I could be, so I took a deep breath and slipped into the house, making my way to the guest room where I’d left Prudence and Dakota to help Cash.
As soon as I slipped through the door, Maia’s head popped up. It was that movement that had Dakota turn around. His eyes were wide, a bit startled, and—
Well, fuck. Could I blame him?
Six months ago, he hadn’t known a damn thing about magic. Now, he’d not only discovered that he was a mage, but he’d seen some of the worst that it could bring.
He’d almost died, but he hadn’t been as aware of everything that’d happened as I had. He’d felt it, sure, but he hadn’t seen himself there, struggling to breathe around burns. He hadn’t held him, terrified that’d be the last time.
Even everything he’d been through wasn’t the same thing as watching someone suffer with their stomach torn open, certain they’d die and knowing the world and all the magic within it would allow for this to happen.
I’d left him in the middle of a nightmare to figure out magic that was new to him, and a spike of pain jammed its way through my chest. I shouldn’t have gone looking for Reeve.
Dakota felt it too. He had to.
His brow furrowed, and he tipped his head to the side, frowning as he approached. His fingers curled lightly around my wrist, brushing up the thin skin inside my arm.
“Are you okay?” he whispered. With so many pack members wandering around, there wasn’t any real chance of privacy. I also—well, if I couldn’t be honest with my mate and my pack, who could I rely on?
Normally, I wouldn’t have hesitated to lean on them, but this was different. Cash had nearly died. Everyone was on edge.
I had to be all right.
And since we were mated, there was no way for me to convince Dakota that I was all right when I wasn’t.
Still, I forced a little smile and spread my fingers. His palm slipped against mine, and I squeezed his hand briefly.
“I’m okay,” I said. It was an absolute lie, but right then, it was necessary, and Dakota seemed to think so too.
His lips twisted and he nodded, and I was so fucking grateful he didn’t call me on my shit, but already, I was thinking about the sun going down and resting my head on his chest to listen to his steady heartbeat while he scratched his fingernails through my hair.
I’d tell him about Cash—the pack we’d come from and the alpha I’d beaten to bring us here.
I’d admit to him that I’d left my friend behind, too unsure of myself to encourage him to come with us. I’d tell him that this was all my fault.
I’d even try to believe it when he told me it wasn’t. I didn’t think it’d work, but if anyone could convince me that I wasn’t the worst fucking alpha to ever carry the title, it was Dakota.
At the very least, it’d be nice to hear it from someone who was certain I wasn’t a total fucking monster.
“What about you?”
Dakota tipped his head to the side and shrugged. “I’m okay. I’m—I’m glad your friend woke up, even if it was just for a second.”
I swallowed hard. “Yeah. Thank you. Both of you—”
When I caught Prudence’s eye, she nodded. “Of course. Cash should be able to take over from here.”
Finally, I looked at him—not the mess of him, the horror of his wounds hidden beneath the blanket someone had draped over him. They’d cleaned him up, and while he still looked pale and generally unwell, he was sleeping peacefully.
I let go of Dakota’s hand to pull up a chair at Cash’s bedside.
If he was asking for me, I’d be there. I couldn’t go back and change all the ways I’d fucked up when we were kids, or make any of it better, but I could be there for him now.
For the first time, I let myself really look at Cash.
He’d been a couple of years younger than Seth and me when we’d left, and even now, he had a smoothness to his cheeks that struck me as unreasonably innocent, for the things he’d seen.
The things I knew he’d seen, really.
Reeve was a piece of shit. The pack we’d come from was brutal.
The evidence that nothing had changed was right before me.
Cash looked unkempt, with his near-black hair hanging long around his ears. His curls were matted like he hadn’t had the chance to wash it since fleeing Idaho.
There was scruff on his chin. It hadn’t been common for the wolves in the old pack to keep a clean-shaven face, but Cash’s stubble was scraggly and uneven.
His nose had a ridge in it that I didn’t remember, and there was something about his face that was subtly out of balance. A werewolf could heal from just about anything, but apparently not if the damage came with a rejection from their alpha.
The only scar I’d ever gotten had been a cut across my face, raked down from Reeve’s claws after our fight.
Only when I’d let go of the pack we were leaving behind had it begun to heal. It’d taken years for it to disappear entirely. I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t realized immediately upon seeing him, that was what was going on. I’d needed Jillian to jog my memory.
It’d just felt so impossible that any alpha would do this to the people they were supposed to protect.
Except I knew better. Once again, I’d stuck my head in the sand and assumed the best because it made my life a little easier if I didn’t have to think about it.
Werewolf healing was goddamn magic, but there were limits to everything, and I got the sense that how we’d found Cash—that wasn’t all he’d endured in the years since I’d last seen him.
When I couldn’t stand looking at him or thinking about it anymore, I let my gaze wander around to the others.
Dakota kept glancing furtively into the corner. His arms were crossed, one hand covering his mouth. I even caught him biting the tip of his thumb.
Something was bothering him, and I was pretty damn sure it had something to do with the crap I’d heaped on his shoulders.
Just because he was a mage and a wolf didn’t mean that I should rely on him for everything. We’d just gotten off an exhausting flight, after an exhausting trip.
Okay, it’d been wonderful in a lot of ways, and I half wished we were back in Japan, but still—I’d put too much on him before he’d had a chance to rest.
Maia swayed back and forth, unable to stay still in her nervousness.
Prudence walked over to Dakota and spoke to him softly, and I did my damnedest not to eavesdrop on them, even if I could.
Thankfully, Cash picked that moment to give me a distraction from violating my mate’s privacy.
With a slow, deep breath, he blinked his eyes open and stared at the ceiling above him with a frown. He was nothing so much as dissatisfied with the damn ceiling, and I couldn’t help thinking my house had offended him.
Fair enough, really. If I’d had my belly torn open, I’d have been pretty pissed too, no matter what the ceiling had looked like when I woke up.
“Hey,” I breathed.
Cash rolled his eyes toward me and sighed through his nose. “Hey.”
The ghost of a smile passed over his mouth when he looked at me. He’d always had a nice smile, but this one—it wasn’t quite right. It didn’t reach his eyes, making them appear flat, dull, and filmy.
“How are you feeling?” I asked gently.
He shook his head, blinking a few times to clear up some feeling that—well, I couldn’t feel it.
Cash wasn’t pack anymore. He wasn’t my pack. I didn’t know what the hell was going through his head right then, and I had no sense of how to fix it.
I glanced up at Prudence, and she met my eye with a subtle shake of her head. There wasn’t any more for her to do, and I didn’t think she’d be so at ease if he were in acute danger.
Cash took another deep breath in. It jumped in his chest, like the movement caused him pain.
When his grassy green eyes turned my away again, I got the sense it wasn’t anything physical that made him hesitate.
“We fucked up,” he whispered.
I scowled. “What are you talking about?”
Whatever it was, I’d fix it.
The sound he made was like a hiccup as he shook his head again. “Things’ve been bad, Jax. Real bad. And Grant—”
“Grant? Reeve’s little brother, Grant?” He’d been a squirrelly sort of wolf. Reeve had been big, broad, cut in the shape of an alpha.
His younger brother hadn’t stacked up. There was a reason Reeve had favored Seth and me, though I’d never known if Reeve didn’t trust Grant because he was weak, or if the mistrust had grown from something else.
In the end, it wasn’t Grant who’d betrayed him; it was me. Wasn’t a choice I’d never regretted, when things got hard and I doubted I could keep my pack safe, but I sure as fuck didn’t regret it now. Reeve deserved worse than what he’d gotten from me.
Cash nodded, but even that tiny movement took it out of him. His eyelids fluttered shut, and I noticed how purple the circles were around his eyes.
Was that blood loss or something else?
“He saw an article—some deal you were making. Or, you know, the company? Big deal. So fucking stupid, Jax—”
Cash’s head listed to the side, and I frowned. He wasn’t making much sense. He’d have been better off resting. We could come back to this later.
“He wants—he said you took from the pack when you left. Wants to collect on the debt. I think he’s gonna—think he might . . . take it back.”
Cash grimaced.
“What the fuck right does Grant have—”
“Reeve’s dead, Jax,” Cash whispered.
Maia went so still her tension drew my gaze. She knew. She knew Reeve was dead.
“How long?”
Cash shook his head.
Maia whispered. “Since just a year after we left.”
And nobody had told me.
I’d been in school, struggling to hold it all together.
But fuck, all this time, and I hadn’t known.
Grant meant to fucking challenge me for what was mine, like a boil on your ass that popped up every year to make life fucking harder for nothing.
I’d left this shit behind. Everything had fallen into place for me and mine.
And as I looked up at my mate, who started at something—the weight of my gaze?—I knew I should’ve realized that things weren’t just going to get easier now that I had everything I could’ve ever imagined wanting.