Toward, Not Away
The rucksack landed with a thud.
I spent the morning hiking through the woods, chasing a feeling.
While I stomped through the brush, I caught myself glancing over my shoulder, hoping for a withdrawn man following.
Even the pause at the tree line, I prayed for Pops’s spirit.
I had hoped for some divine sign, but instead, I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth until my jaw hurt.
Whatever magic had been present the first time was missing.
I stood at the campsite from my last visit. Our fire pit hadn’t been disturbed, and the outline of where I had placed my sleeping bag remained undisturbed. Everything about the trek here had been the same. Chirping birds. Swaying of pines. The smell of sap.
It had been the same, and yet, it wasn’t.
With every step, I replayed the image of opening the door.
Each time Johnny stood there. I ran through different versions.
What if we had talked? What if I had invited him in?
What if… the anger would creep in until I saw red.
Each time ended with me driving my knuckles into his jaw.
After all the years of torture, I’d claim victory.
I sat down on the log, eyes focused on the remnants of burnt wood.
The stones surrounding the fire pit had been carefully placed.
Nick had gone above and beyond, trying to find rocks that almost interlocked.
It was overkill, but I couldn’t help but admire his determination as he searched the riverbed for one that would perfectly fit and finish the circle.
My thoughts returned to Johnny.
He had been pinned to the wall. Helpless.
I could have left him battered and bruised.
When I tightened my hand into a fist, I felt the echo of what could have been.
I’d have finally been able to release the anger that had been held back for years.
No matter how many scenarios I ran, none of them felt right. Justified, but not right.
I pushed the confusion away and turned my attention to survival.
I needed to set up the tarp on the off chanced it rained.
Then it’d be collecting firewood. I eyed the bow strapped to my bag, wondering if there was any chance of catching a hare or if I should focus on fishing.
My brain ran through the checklist. I had the skills to thrive in the wilderness, and yet, I felt as disconnected as I did when I was fifteen.
I ignored everything Pops had taught me.
Trekking through the woods, I reached the edge of the riverbed.
The water rushed loudly enough to create a dull roar.
If I turned to my left, I’d see the waterfall leading into the pool we had swum in.
I found a small boulder, taking a seat as I focused on the memory of Nick.
The thought of him stripping and jumping into the water should have left a smile.
He had come along, drifting without a purpose.
I had watched him transform from a supporting character in his own life to the protagonist. The weight of the curse couldn’t follow us here.
I let out a long sigh. His curse might not have followed, but mine did.
“Charlie,” I mumbled. “What are you doing?”
For such a simple question, I didn’t have an answer.
While Lacie prepared for a ritual to help Nick, I hoped the woods would do the same for me.
I had come back to Firefly to take care of Mum.
Without the shop, I didn’t have any reason to object.
Every step of the way, I prepared my armor, ready for every thrust and parry from the locals.
The town that had once turned its back on me wouldn’t get the opportunity to do it again.
I made it clear I wasn’t one of them. Safety had turned to isolation, and in the end, I was alone.
I thought of Nick, shoulders slumped as he sat at the table during Bingo. His body might have been present, but his mind remained elsewhere. I had been determined to pull him free from the dark cloud hanging over his head. It had led to a kiss, a spot by the fire, a night tangled in sheets.
“Fuck,” I mumbled.
It wasn’t me who pulled him free.
Adrift, Nick had been a lifeline. I pulled my way through uncertainty, toward the one person who hadn’t seen my baggage. It made me wonder if I had been using him as a distraction from dealing with my own demons?
I kicked a rock, sending it into the water.
“No,” I whispered. Nick hadn’t been a distraction. I had wanted to help him outrun the curse. Stuck in Firefly without the shop, I needed a direction. I fought to keep my distance from Firefly, but no matter which way I turned, every sidewalk had led me to this cute boy.
The breeze shook the trees, and the forest filled with creaks and groans.
It sang in a low baritone. Clouds moved along, and the sun appeared, rays penetrating the canopy.
As it hit my face, my shoulders relaxed.
Closing my eyes, I welcomed the warmth. The universe had offered me a sign, a confirmation that in my own clumsy way, I wanted… somebody.
Seamus had called me out on my bullshit.
I barricaded myself in a fortress of my own making.
Protecting myself came at a cost. That night, the first step had been the toughest. I couldn’t help but smile.
For Nick, I didn’t walk, I ran. I cut a path through Firefly.
While I thought I had been saving Nick, he had done the same for me.
The forest turned still, and the water became white noise. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end. I felt that somebody was watching, violating a serene moment.
I gasped.
Seven feet tall and covered in brown fur, Maine’s pride and joy stood across the river.
A moose cocked its head to one side, deciding if I’d be a threat.
The bull had points on its head, already growing out its rack for mating season.
The clunky beast, with a barrel body attached to spindly legs, thought me harmless.
It bent down, drinking from the river. I couldn’t help but gawk at the awkward animal.
I sat in silence, accepting the forest’s gift.
As another breeze ripped through the trees, the moose’s head shot up.
He trotted toward the trees, unbothered by my presence.
It wasn’t until it vanished into the wilderness that I realized the feeling of being watched had nothing to do with the moose.
I turned on the rock, half expecting the turkey of lore to come stampeding from the brush.
The forest didn’t give answers. It gave space.
The breeze returned, and with it, the creaks and groans.
“Pops.”
I imagined him hidden in the trees, just out of sight as he watched. Under the scrutiny of a ghost, I couldn’t hide my problems. I assumed him all-knowing, not much different from real life. Even while I rejected his offers, I quietly thanked him for trying.
“What’s next?” I asked the forest as if it might respond.
Bonnie’s questions in the market had been the first test. I danced around the subtle pokes and prods. That had only been the warm up for when Johnny knocked on my door. That had been the real test, and somehow, I felt like I had failed.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I wanted to ignore it, but the temptation of a text from Nick had me digging around in my pocket.
Matt: I’m sorry I ruined everything.
I bit my lip, chewing it as I let the gravity of Matt’s text sink in.
For whatever reason, Johnny had pulled him from the camping trip, and like a toddler told to eat his broccoli, I threw a tantrum.
Instead of finding a solution, I stormed off.
No… I ran away. Just like decades before, I packed my bags and found an out.
“Dammit.” It wasn’t his fault. Whatever reason Johnny came knocking, it had nothing to do with him.
I had continued the cycle, moving from victim to bully.
My fingers tightened around the phone until my knuckles turned white.
I had my opportunity to prove myself, not to Johnny, but to myself. Instead, my insecurities flared.
Then I ran. From Firefly. From the shop. From life.
From Nick.
Is the space for him or for me? Seamus’s words echoed in the back of my head, except it wasn’t his voice I heard.
The man who flipped burned pancakes in the kitchen, his voice had returned.
His laugh. The way he gasped as Mum entered the room before he gave her a kiss.
Pops wouldn’t have run away. He’d have run toward.
I slid off the rock. Before I knew it, I was at the campsite. The buckles of the rucksack snapped into place. I paused, looking over my shoulder, certain I’d see Pops standing along the river with his fishing pole. I couldn’t see him, but he was there.
If Nick could believe in a curse, I could believe in trail magic.
I didn’t have solutions, not yet. I had miles of hiking to sort out my thoughts. But already I could see the destination. I owed it to Nick. I even owed it to the gremlins. For once, the ties dragging me back to Firefly felt more like a guide.
“Thank you,” I whispered. I took the first step… to what, I didn’t know. Yet.