17. Lucy
seventeen
Lucy
Healthcare and childcare. That’s essentially what this comes down to. If I agree to this ridiculous marriage, I gain healthcare, and Nate gains childcare.
But that’s not enough to build a marriage on, right?
I was distracted throughout worship, thinking through the pros and cons.
I tried to get it off my mind and focus on the sermon—which, ironically, was the first in a series about God’s design for the family—but I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
It didn’t help that Quinn was playing peekaboo over Nate’s shoulder a couple of pews in front of me.
She kept pointing at me, patting Nate’s chest or face, and saying, “Lu.”
I love that little girl so much.
Nate’s right. She deserves a good mom and a whole family. But that’s a lot of pressure. I love her, but could I actually be a mother to her? Am I the kind of person Vi would want to raise her daughter?
Not to mention the actual marriage. How in the world am I supposed to navigate a marriage with Nate Walker? I was hesitant to babysit for him. Now I’m considering marrying him?
This is not how I imagined I would settle down and start a family. I always assumed I’d date a good man for a year or two, he would propose with a grand romantic gesture, and we’d be engaged for a year or so while we put a wedding together.
I never dreamed I’d consider accepting Nate’s practical proposal over scrambled eggs after a blood sugar crash because I didn’t finish my plate at Quinn’s birthday party.
I can’t believe my mind formed that sentence. What is happening right now? My cheeks heat, and I press my hands to them, hoping to cool them or hide them as I stand in line to get a plate at the church potluck.
“You okay, darling?”
I turn and find Ms. Ruth standing behind me with her brows raised and her warm brown eyes darting between my pink cheeks. I nod. “I’m fine. How are you?”
She smirks. “I can’t complain. The good Lord woke me up today, and my knee feels better than it has in years.”
My warm cheeks lift in a grin. “I’m glad to hear it, and glad to have you back and fully recovered from your surgery.”
She pats my arm and raises her brows. “You’ll have to fill me in on the things I’ve missed since I’ve been gone.
” As the line moves up, she threads her arm through mine and walks with me.
“Is Caleb still dating that little blonde girl? Is Skylar still ignoring the world outside the hospital? Has Emerson started dating anyone yet, or Reese for that matter?”
I chuckle and shake my head. “Yes, yes, no, and no.”
She sighs. “Shame. You know, being among the older crowd in the church has its advantages.”
I raise my brows as we inch closer to the tables laden with delicious home-cooked foods and the stack of pizzas the Sullivans always bring for the kids. “Oh, really? What advantages do I have to look forward to?”
She releases my arm as we approach the end of the table. She hands me a paper plate and winks. “You see things the young people don’t see because they’re too close to the situation.”
I narrow my eyes and nod. “Okay. Like what?”
She scoops a pile of mashed potatoes onto her plate and offers me a spoonful, which I politely decline. “So many of you young people are in denial and wasting your time.”
I frown as I add green beans to my plate. “What do you mean?”
She looks around like she’s worried about being overheard, then points to the table where my friends have all settled with their packed plates. “Reese has it bad for Caleb, and he has no idea. If he’d get his head out of the sand, he’d be able to see that he’s missing out on a good thing with her.”
I roll my lips into my mouth and bite them to hide a smile. Skylar, Emerson, and I have had our suspicions about Caleb and Reese for years, but I had no idea that others at church had picked up on it, too. “You think so?”
She nods sagely, turning back to the table to serve herself a square of mystery casserole number one. “Oh, I know so. It’s all the sewing group can talk about when we get together.”
I can’t stifle my chuckle. She turns to me with one brow raised. “I’m serious. Any time there’s a lull in the conversation, someone asks if Caleb and Reese have gotten together yet.”
I clear my throat and help myself to a slice of ham. “Oh, I believe you.”
She nods as she grabs an ear of corn and sets it on my plate without asking. “We talk about you, too.”
My brows rise. “Me?”
She wags a finger at me. “Oh, yes, dear. We actually talk about you more than Reese and Caleb.”
I blink and frown. “What did I do?”
She shakes her head. “Nothing. That’s the problem.”
“I’m not following.”
“You and that Walker boy have been dancing around a real relationship for years, and it’s high time the two of you quit messing around.”
I freeze, and the person behind me bumps into my back.
I scramble to catch my plate and all its contents and apologize to Mr. Harper for holding up the line.
Ms. Ruth continues down the table like she didn’t notice anything amiss.
I grab a roll from a basket on the table and catch up to her. “What do you mean?”
She turns to me with her brows lowered. “Honey, I mean that you and Nate are perfect for each other, but you won’t stop arguing long enough to see it.”
I blink and look down at my plate. “Perfect is a strong word, Ms. Ruth.”
She sets her hand on mine, and I meet her gaze. She nods. “I know, but it’s the right one.”
I sigh as the fresh air hits my face. It’s much warmer out here than inside the building, but I was feeling stifled, and I need some space. I walk across the parking lot, feeling the heat rising off the pavement as I wander behind the church building.
My favorite thing about this building is its location.
It’s situated on top of a hill that overlooks a wide bend in the river below and the rocky bluffs in the distance.
It faces west, so we see some incredible sunsets from this vantage point.
Now, though, the sun is beating down from high overhead.
When I reach the edge of the hill, not letting myself think of the sharp drop lined with underbrush a few feet away, I draw a deep breath and let my eyes follow the bend of the river until it disappears behind a row of willow trees.
The road cuts a path between a cow pasture and a corn field with stalks bending in the gentle breeze.
I tuck my hair behind my ears to keep it from blowing into my face.
As my gaze travels along the familiar landscape below, I pray.
Father God, what do I do? Should I marry Nate?
Is it wrong to marry him for practical purposes instead of love?
If I marry him, will I ever experience romantic love?
What if we do this and live the rest of our lives…
not in love? That’s not how I want to spend my life.
What if I fall and he doesn’t? I can’t let that happen.
Is it selfish to marry him like this? I’d get the insurance and medical supplies I need, but Nate would get the stability he and Quinn both need: healthcare and childcare.
Quinn would have two parents again. Is that enough to base a marriage on?
I can’t do this, right? I should say no.
“Is this an I-need-some-time-with-God moment, or would a friend be welcome?”
I clear my throat and turn to Skylar, fighting heat in my eyes. “Actually, you’re exactly who I need to talk to.”
She frowns and comes to stand beside me, looking out at the river. “What do you mean? Are you okay?”
I nod. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. But you won’t shy away from telling me how stupid this idea is.”
She raises her brows and turns to face me. “Okay, go for it.”
I draw a deep breath and look around, making sure we don’t have any eavesdroppers.
My gaze meets hers again, and I feel my shoulders relax.
Skylar is practical. She lives by a plan.
She understands how important it is for me to settle down and build a family.
She knows it’s all I’ve ever wanted, and she’s never shamed me for my non-career goals.
“Nate asked me to marry him.”
Her brows rise, and her eyes widen. “I’m sorry. What? I didn’t know the two of you—”
I shake my head and cut her off. “We’re not. It’s not like that.”
She frowns and purses her lips. “Okay, I need more details.”
I blow out a long breath. “We’ve gotten closer since I’ve been helping with Quinn.
He found out about my diabetes, and he took care of me when my blood sugar crashed after the party last night.
He insisted that I stay the night so I wouldn’t have to drive home weak from the crash.
This morning, he made me breakfast and asked me to marry him so I can use his health insurance to get an insulin pump and a CGM, and so Quinn will have a mother figure in her life again.
He stayed up all night praying and researching diabetes and insurance.
But I can’t marry him, right? It’s such a stupid idea. ”
She raises a brow and bites her lip. “Actually… It might not be that stupid.”
My eyes widen. “What?”
She raises her shoulders in a slow shrug. “I don’t know, Lu. I mean, it’s you and Nate.”
“Exactly. We’ve driven each other bonkers since we were kids. That doesn’t sound like a good foundation for marriage to me.”
She frowns, her chocolate-brown eyes darting between mine.
“It doesn’t? I mean, you’ve known each other since you were born.
Didn’t you say when you started babysitting Quinn that spending time with her felt so natural?
And the other day, when you went shopping with them, what was it you told me when you got home? ”
I avert my gaze and mumble. “That I had a good time, and I didn’t want to leave when I did.”
She nods. “Maybe this isn’t exactly how you saw this aspect of your life playing out, but that doesn’t make it a bad thing. You’ve always wanted a family of your own. Maybe this is God’s way of answering that prayer for you.”
“But what if I don’t fall in love with him?”
Her eyes narrow, and she tilts her head. “But what if you do?”
My eyes meet hers again, and I nearly whisper, “So you think I should do it? You think I should marry Nate?”
She releases a long breath. “I think you should spend more time in prayer about it, but I don’t think it’s a stupid idea.”
I nod and turn back to the view of the river. “Don’t tell anyone, please.”
She sets a hand on my shoulder. “Your secret is safe with me, Lu.”
She pats my back and walks away, rejoining the potluck in the church building.
I fall back into prayer like I never stopped, pouring my heart out to the Lord and asking for clear answers.
When the bell rings from the tower beside the church building, signaling the beginning of our afternoon service, I still haven’t reached a decision.
I wish I could hear the Lord’s guidance as clearly as the toning of the bell vibrating through me and echoing off the distant bluffs.
All I know is, if I do this, if I marry Nate, I can’t afford to fall for him. Living the rest of my life in a one-sided relationship would be too painful to survive.
That shouldn’t be a problem, though. I mean… It’s Nate.
I won’t fall for him.