27. Lucy #2
My eyes are hot and itchy as I watch Nate battle his own tears. I take a step closer and set a hand on his elbow. His watery eyes meet mine over Quinn’s head, but he blinks the tears away and breathes deeply, shaking his head as though he can erase the emotions like an Etch-A-Sketch.
There have been so many times over the last couple of months that I’ve watched Nate push his feelings down like this, and honestly, I’m worried.
I’m afraid that if he doesn’t work through his emotions, he’ll end up having another panic attack.
But right now, in the middle of the playground in Willow Bend, it doesn’t feel like the right time or place to have that conversation.
Nate carries Quinn over to the toddler side of the playground. I follow them, silently praying that God will give Nate the strength he needs to process all the changes he’s experienced, and asking Him to help me be the support Nate needs.
Nate sets Quinn down next to a toy steering wheel attached to the playset. She grins and pulls herself up to the steering wheel with ease. She’s been standing independently and cruising furniture lately. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tries to take a few steps soon.
Nate’s eyes go out of focus as he watches Quinn pat the steering wheel. I close the short distance between our hands and weave my fingers through his. He squeezes my hand as his gaze meets mine.
I give him a small, reassuring smile. “You’re doing great with her.”
His breath hitches, and he clears his throat. He starts to shake his head, opening his mouth in what I’m sure will be a denial.
I shake my head, pulling his hand toward me as I cut him off. “I’m serious. The way you love her and the way you’ve risen to the task of being her dad have been incredible to watch. You’re a good man, Nate.”
His mouth snaps shut as his eyes meet mine. The way he’s looking at me reminds me of our wedding when I felt like he could see straight to my soul. My cheeks heat as I realize I willingly complimented Nate Walker.
My stomach squeezes as he drops my hand, afraid that I overstepped and embarrassed myself. But he catches Quinn as she wobbles and starts to fall backward. Her big blue eyes meet his face, and he smiles. “I’ve got you, big girl.”
Nate scoops her up and tickles her belly. “How about we try the slide, Quinndolyn?”
He carries her through the playset, climbing the stairs until he reaches the short slide. I walk around to the bottom of the slide and pull my phone from my pocket. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice an older woman I don’t recognize chasing her grandson around the playset.
Nate settles on the slide, his long legs nearly reaching the bottom, and sets Quinn on his lap. Her eyes are wide, and she’s clutching Nate’s shirt. He pats her back and whispers reassurances.
I open my camera and start recording a video. “Hey, Quinnie girl. Look at Lucy.”
She turns to me and smiles, but her uneasiness is still evident in her eyes.
“Are you going down the slide like a big girl?”
She still looks unsure, but as Nate scoots them down the slide and we both clap and cheer for her, her eyes light up again, and she claps along with us.
She grabs a handful of Nate’s shirt and points to the top of the slide with an incoherent demand.
He chuckles and carries Quinn around to the steps and up to the top of the slide.
It only takes a couple more times down the slide to get her giggling again. Even Nate seems to relax after the emotionally charged moment.
As they climb the stairs to go down the slide for probably the dozenth time, I feel a small hand on my arm.
I turn to meet the older woman I noticed earlier with her grandson.
She gives me a kind smile and pats my arm.
“I’m sorry to bother you. I just wanted to say that you have a beautiful family. ”
I smile as my chest warms. Nate and Quinn are sweet together, and I’ve loved having a front row seat to their relationship the last few months. He’s so gentle with her, it makes something inside me ache.
My family truly is beautiful.
My heart thuds in my chest, and my stomach starts a slow drop as the truth settles heavily.
But she doesn’t seem to notice. “You are a very blessed mama to have such a beautiful little girl with a dad who obviously loves you both immensely.”
I try a smile as my stomach lands somewhere near my ankles. “Thank you.”
She pats my arm again and takes a step back. “Savor every moment. They’re only little for such a short time.”
I nod as she resumes chasing her grandson, feeling suddenly cold in the summer heat. She thought we were a family—a real family. The word lands in my gut, leaving an aching wound.
We may look like a family.
But this isn’t real.
I’m not Quinn’s mother. Nate isn’t her father. We don’t love each other as husband and wife. It’s all a sham. The thought sends a wave of nausea through me as I draw a steadying breath.
The worst part is… I want it to be real.
I’ve always wanted a family of my own. I’ve dreamed of being a wife and mother for as long as I can remember. But teenage Lucy never imagined this.
I never dreamed that I would end up in a marriage with a man who doesn’t love me romantically, taking care of a beautiful baby girl who isn’t technically mine.
But she feels like mine. I’m sure that sounds far-fetched, but spending every day with Quinn has only made me love her more.
I don’t see her as Nate’s niece or my friend’s daughter anymore.
I see her as mine. But she’s not. And I don’t feel like that’s a claim that is mine to stake.
“Luce?”
I blink rapidly, trying to clear the racing emotions from my expression, and meet Nate’s gaze. He’s frowning from the top of the slide with Quinn in his lap. “Are you okay?”
I tuck my hair behind my ear and nod. “Yeah. Sorry. I’m fine.”
He scoots down the slide as Quinn jabbers and laughs, then comes to stand in front of me. His hazel eyes roam my face as Quinn pats his shoulder and points at the slide. He sets a hand on my arm. “Is it your blood sugar?”
I clench my jaw and drop my gaze, embarrassed by this entire situation. I shake my head. “No, it’s stable. I’m fine, I promise.”
Quinn starts to fuss in Nate’s arms, frustrated with his lack of response to her request to slide again. He pulls his gaze away from me and pats Quinn’s back. “Hold your horses, little princess. I’m going.”
When his back is to me, I do my best to shake the funk. I knew what I was agreeing to when I said yes to Nate’s proposal.
Healthcare and childcare.
That’s all this is, despite the ache in my chest.
That’s all it’s ever going to be.