Chapter Seventeen
Harlyn
The flight into New York was as uneventful as any business flight could be. I couldn’t believe that I was back in NYC. The buzz of the city was already coursing through me and we hadn’t even been on the ground an hour.
“I want to do something fun tonight,” I said to Janene. We were sitting in the back of a taxi slowly making our way toward the hotel.
“Sure, what do you have in mind?”
“Let’s go to a club. I know this really cool place that serves all its cocktails in science lab vessels. Like test tubes, and beakers, and flasks.”
Janene looked at me like I was crazy. “A club?”
“Yes. It’ll be so much fun!” I couldn’t help the excitement I was feeling. I was in my favorite city.
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not the club type,” she said.
“Oh, come on. It’s a once in a lifetime experience. Please.” I used my pouty eyes which I had found to work quite well on Janene.
“Then I guess you’ve filled your quota since this is obviously not your first time in New York City.”
“But you’ve never done it so I have to help you fill your quota.”
“What do I get if I say yes?” Janene asked.
I leaned over, making sure my breasts made contact with her arm and whispered into her ear, “I’ll sit on your face.”
Janene raised her eyebrows. She leaned into me and whispered back, “How about you let me fuck you with the dildo I have in my suitcase.”
I pulled away. “Gross. Please tell me you’re kidding.”
Janene’s surprised look intensified. “Why would I be kidding?”
“That’s such a heteronormative thing to do.”
“No, it’s not.”
“It’s shaped like an actual dick.” I looked toward the front of the taxi to make sure the driver wasn’t listening to our conversation. If he was, he wasn’t letting on.
“Not mine, because that’s not what it is. It’s just a toy like anything else we use. You can’t tell me you don’t like penetration because I know you do.”
“Yeah, but that’s different.”
“How?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Hey,” Janene turned my head toward her. “What’s this about? If you don’t want to use it, we don’t have to. But I feel like there is more to this than a sex toy.”
“Are you a gold star?” I asked.
I knew my logic was flawed but I couldn’t help the way I felt.
“Yes,” she chuckled. “Is that what this is about? You think I’ll want to sleep with a man if we use a—” She looked toward the driver like it was just now dawning on her that we were having a very private conversation in the back of a New York taxi.
“Toy,” she whispered.
“I’ve been out since high school. I had two girlfriends before, Dani. But she was the one who introduced me to sex toys. They were fun, don’t get me wrong, but she was also the one who cheated on me with a guy.”
“So, she isn’t a lesbian?”
“She’s bisexual.”
Janene nodded her head. “And you think she became bisexual because she used penis shaped toys during sex?”
“No. Of course not. Look, I know it sounds stupid but I can’t stop thinking that it’s more than a coincidence. I mean, I know in my head that’s not how bisexuality works. She’s attracted to both sexes. I’m fine with that but my heart keeps wondering what I did wrong that made her choose some random guy over me.”
Janene took both of my hands into hers. The gentle tilt of her head made my heart ache. “It’s not really that simple and yet it is very simple. You can’t let the sex of the person she cheated with be more important than the fact that she disrespected you. Penis or not, she cheated.”
I nodded. I knew she was right but that didn’t mean it hurt any less. Dani was vocal in the bedroom and she liked to experiment. In my mind, I must have missed a clue or a moment in which she decided she wanted something different. I never wanted to make that mistake again but Dani’s bisexuality wasn’t my greatest concern. In trying to convince me to join her and Danny, she gave me a speech about how monogamy wasn’t natural. I imagined that was Janene’s current philosophy too. Yes, we were just having fun, but it was still going to be difficult to not take it personally when everything came to an end.
“If you ask me, she had bigger problems. I mean who cheats on the likes of you? You’re beautiful, and smart, sometimes you can even be funny.”
“You’re just saying all of those things so I’ll let you strap it on for me.” I leaned into her ear and whispered, “Wouldn’t you rather feel my pussy tightened around your fingers as I come for you?”
Janene squirmed a bit in her seat. “Maybe,” she squeaked.
I pulled my body away from hers and placed her hand between my thighs, appreciating the heat that radiated against my leg. I turned and looked out the window, silence engulfing the taxi for the rest of the ride. Janene wasn’t Dani, I told myself. Our affair would end for practical reasons, not emotional ones.
The taxi dropped us at our hotel where Janene invited me into her room to wash away the day’s travels. Our entire trip had taken eight hours with a flight change in Dallas. We’d left Denver at nine in the morning and arrived in New York City at six. It had been a long day and according to Janene, the airport and airplane “yuckiness” needed to be washed off immediately.
It was during this shower that I used my powers of persuasion to convince Janene that we should go out to dinner and visit a club or two. I almost overplayed my hand and convinced us both that we should just stay in but the call of the New York City night life was stronger and eventually won. We had nothing to do the following day so why not enjoy the night.
The club was louder than I remembered but the music was great. Janene didn’t seem impressed when we first arrived but after a few drinks she loosened up and we hit the dance floor. I loved the idea that we could get lost in a crowd of strangers. The possibility of unexpectedly running into someone you knew was miniscule. I wasn’t afraid to run into someone, as much as I was thrilled with the idea that you could be anyone you wanted to be and no one would know any different. NYC always had that effect on me. It was invigorating.
The city seemed to have a positive effect on Janene as well. At my birthday party, she’d sipped on the same beer the entire night, never letting her guard down. Always watching me, Mom, and Caitlin like it was her duty to protect us. At work, there were moments of playfulness, especially if we were alone, but even in the privacy of her own apartment she never fully relaxed. In the club where no one knew us and with a little alcohol to lighten her inhibitions, I saw a different side of her. Her hands were all over me, our bodies pressed against each other as we danced in the middle of a crowded floor, her fingertips finding the hem of my pleated skirt. The thrill of the way she held me, the way she kept me close was overwhelming. I suddenly had a new understanding of what Dani and Danny were feeling that night in Austin. I was not ready to give a public performance but I was ready to show Janene how much she meant to me.
When the music slowed down, I backed myself into Janene and wrapped her arms around my waist.
She groaned in my ear. “You’re killing me.”
A thought occurred to me. Something I’d heard rumors about but never in my twenty-six years ever thought of trying. I was in New York City with a gorgeous woman, and I didn’t know how much longer we could keep up our secret. I wanted to make a memory that I could hold on to forever. I wanted to do something reckless.
I leaned in harder and whispered into her ear, “Follow me.”
I led her toward the women’s bathroom. There wasn’t a line which made me think it was the perfect time to execute my plan. Janene tilted her head in that way she does when she can’t quite believe something. I led her into the last stall and gave her my most devilish smile. We didn’t need to exchange words. Janene grabbed my waist and lifted me off the ground so that I could wrap my legs around her. I loved how strong she was.
There wasn’t anyone guarding the bathroom like there was in most of the lesbian bars I’d been to back home, but we still needed to give the impression that there was only one set of shoes in the stall to keep from being bothered.
She leaned me against the stall partition and kissed me hard. There was no time for foreplay or a drawn out make out session. We were on a mission. Her hands went straight for my ass as she shifted my weight around to give herself access to my underwear. Her left arm tightened around my waist to hold me in place while her right hand searched out the panel of my panties. Ones I would most likely have to throw away after this night. I was soaked through with just the thought of having sex in a bathroom stall.
Janene plunged into me. The rush of adrenaline and the pleasure that ran up my spine made me want to throw my head back but there was no room for that.
“Ride my fingers,” Janene whispered into my ear.
I did as she asked. Rising and falling onto her hand. The music in the club changed back to a loud thud and it seemed to pound in sync with Janene’s fingers. Her thumb found my clit and I was going to come in a New York City club bathroom. My thighs contracted with a huge wave of pleasure. I was afraid I might crack Janene’s ribs but it was exquisite. As I shuddered through the last wave of my orgasm, I found Janene’s face buried in my boobs. She slowly pulled out from inside of me and then looked up and kissed me.
“You are so fucking hot,” she said.
I couldn’t help but smile. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”
“Not in the least.”
She helped me down and whispered in my ear. “You should go out first.”
I straightened out my skirt and my shirt, ran my hands through my hair and looked up to find Janene watching me. She did that a lot when we were alone. It was sweet and yet there was still that tiny bit of sadness in her eyes. I wondered if she thought of Coreen in these moments. If that wasn’t the reason, she never let herself care for anyone else. She kissed me hard again as if she was ready to have a second try and all thoughts of Coreen vanished from my mind. She pulled back and opened the stall door for me.
I walked over to the sink and washed my hands, fixed my hair properly. There was a line starting to form at the door and Janene hadn’t come out yet. I realized she must have had to pee and that I should stand guard at her door.
When I reached the stall, there was a gap along the right side of the door and it made me think that someone could have easily gotten a show while we were in there. I was about to knock and tease her when I saw Janene’s head fall against her arm which was propped on the side of the stall. Her other hand was in her jeans. My heart ached for her. She was trying to accomplish the one thing she said she could never manage. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. I definitely wanted to offer to help but I hadn’t pushed for details about her issue and I didn’t want to barge in and embarrass her, especially if this was the first time that she was having this reaction. I knew she’d been in a terrible accident during her tour in Dessert Storm and I had assumed that maybe her issue had something to do with that. Maybe a medication she took tampered with her ability to have an orgasm. So instead, I did the creepy thing and continued to watch her.
Her eyes screwed shut and she bit down on her lower lip as if she was trying to stifle a scream even with the loud music in the background. She shuddered. Her body heaved with every breath she took. She’d come. I waited for a smile, a hint of excitement that she’d been successful. There was nothing. Just as quickly as it happened, she straightened up, took a wad of toilet paper, wiped off her hand, then flushed it. She re-tucked her shirt and then zipped up her jeans. A quick run of her other hand through her hair and she was pivoting toward the stall door.
I jumped back to keep her from seeing me. The door opened and there she stood. Face flushed. Her eyes were almost slits. She was riding an orgasm high. Her grin was wide and lazy. She leaned toward me and kissed me. It was gentle. Nothing that expressed enthusiasm for a medical miracle.
I reached for her right hand which coincidentally had been the same hand she fucked me with and started to bring it to my mouth.
Janene pulled it away. “This place is full of germs. We probably shouldn’t have even done what we did in there.”
She was right. I didn’t know what had come over me to even think about putting her fingers in my mouth other than I wanted to smell her, taste her. I was jealous of that hand and what it had just done. My mind started to spiral. If she wasn’t surprised by this new turn of events, had she been lying to me this entire time? Why? Was it me specifically? Did she not trust that I could make her come the way she’d just made herself come?
Janene walked off toward the sinks to wash up. She was acting like everything was normal. How many times had this happened before? Was it every time we had sex? Did she rub herself off after I fell asleep and I just never knew? I thought back to the countless times she ran off to the bathroom after she got me off. How stupid of me to not have put it together sooner. She didn’t have a problem coming, she just didn’t want me to touch her.
Countless times I’d laid next to a woman clothed in pajama bottoms and a t-shirt while I was completely naked and frustrated that I wasn’t allowed to even caress her bare skin. I assumed it was part of her insecurity if my touch didn’t invoke a reaction, but she’d been giving me more and more leniency lately. A caress of her back over her shirt or a gentle stroke of her arms, when before it was always hands off unless my hands were in her hair. I wanted to feel her and most of all I wanted to taste her but I hadn’t said anything because I didn’t want to bring up demons from her past.
Someone crossed in front of me to get to the stall and I realized I needed to move. I stepped back as I turned toward the exit and bumped into another someone. She was tall and lanky. She grabbed both of my shoulders as if she was trying to keep me from falling even though I was not in any way off balance. Chivalrous, unlike the time Janene almost knocked me over.
“Whoa, there,” she said. “You, okay? You seem like you’re in a bit of a rush.” Her voice was loud, trying to compete with the music.
“I’m good thanks.”
She extended one hand in my direction, “I’m Jordan.” Her other hand remained on my shoulder.
“Harlyn,” I said placing my hand in hers.
Her smiled turned into a grin. I had a feeling she was trying to see if I might be willing to join her in a bathroom stall. As betrayed as I felt it seemed like an interesting possibility, but I wasn’t that person. I didn’t do multiple partners. Even if Janene and I weren’t serious about one another, I never took a risk with a complete stranger.
“Can I buy you a drink, Harlyn?” Jordan asked.
She hadn’t let go of my hand or my shoulder. I broadened my smile as I thought about her offer and how I was going to go about declining it. It had been a long time since anyone had openly flirted with me and just as long since I’d played into that game. I’d never had that with Janene, still didn’t. I was quickly realizing that I missed those playful gestures that were filled with possibility.
“Is there a problem here?” Janene asked as she placed a hand on my back. Jordan dropped my hand, but she didn’t pull her hand away from my shoulder.
“No,” I said to her. “This is, Jordan.” I turned my attention back to Jordan. “Jordan, this is my friend, Janene.”
I made sure to put an emphasis on the word friend because it was now obvious that we weren’t anything more than friends, if we were even that. Definitely not close enough to discuss anything personal like the fact that Janene could in fact have an orgasm, and that she preferred that I not participate in that particular activity. As a matter of fact, we had ignored any conversation that involved real life expectations. For the moment, we were just coworkers that fucked. Well, at least, I was getting fucked.
“Jordan was just being helpful. I slipped and almost fell. You know how clumsy I can be, and these bathroom floors are covered in who knows what.” I threw in a wink at Jordan because I was feeling awful petty in the moment. “Jordan kept me from doing a face plant.”
I smiled at Jordan, trying to apologize for the very awkward situation I had led her into. She seemed to get my drift.
“Thank you, Jordan,” Janene said as she wrapped her arm around me. “For helping my girlfriend. I think I can handle things from here.”
I turned to Janene, surprised that she had used that word, girlfriend . I had never seen this possessive side of her, of course we’d also never left her apartment except to go to work where we played the role of boss and intern very well.
Jordan looked between the two of us and then squeezed my shoulder. “Are you sure you’re, okay?” she asked.
“I’m fine,” I said. “Thank you, again. It’s nice to know there are still considerate people in this world.”
“Take care.”
She nodded in Janene’s direction and then walked away.
“We should go,” Janene said. She grabbed my hand and pulled me in the direction of the exit, not just the bathroom, but of the entire club.
“Girlfriend?” I said when we were out on the street. I pulled my hand out of hers.
Janene blushed. “Sorry, did I read that situation wrong? I thought you looked uncomfortable talking to that woman. This is a strange city. I was just trying to help you out.”
“Help me out? I’m not exactly new to the club scene. I can handle myself. And this city is probably the only place in the entire world where I feel like I belong. I don’t need you to protect me.”
She didn’t say anything for a while. I knew the New York thing didn’t make sense to her. Denver was a big city but it was different. It didn’t buzz with possibility for me the way New York City did. Even the time I spent in Austin was nothing compared to the way I felt whenever I visited this city.
I was ten when I fell in love with it. My first time in the big apple, my father had arranged the trip. He and my mom had just split up. He was on his way to Hong Kong, leaving for three months, so he said he wanted to take me to a magical place before he left. We spent four days in the city and then he let me fly back to Denver on my own. I was so energized by all the things we got to experience and the fact that he didn’t treat me like a sick kid, but it all faded when my mom picked me up at the airport and asked a million questions about how I felt and if I had eaten properly and taken my vitamins and was I sure that I didn’t want to take some extra time off of school to recover from the trip.
Every few years after that, I met my father in New York City when he was on his way to some international conference or other. It became our thing. My siblings hadn’t been interested in the first visit and they definitely were not interested in any one of the trips after. Every time, it made me feel alive even if only for a few days.
“You really love this city, don’t you?” Janene asked as we made our way back to the hotel.
We’d walked around the city before we ventured into the club. I’d shown Janene the magic of all the lights in time square at night. And all the people who were just going about their business, minding their own business for the most part. It was still so electric to me. There was no other way to describe it.
“I do. It’s my dream to move here one day.”
I wasn’t certain but I thought I saw a glint of sadness in Janene’s eyes. “I can’t imagine you won’t make that happen.”
“You can’t tell my Renee though, not yet. Please, she’ll freak out.”
“Your secret is safe with me.”
Janene took my hand back in hers and squeezed as we climbed the stairs to the hotel lobby. It was meant to be a gesture of kindness, of understanding, but all it did was remind me of where that hand had been less than an hour before.