Chapter 20 #3
Some snark didn’t begin to compare to, oh, from the top of Baz’s head, being abandoned as a teenager—the squeeze of his knee pulled Baz away from his tangent. Sami’s hand was a steady weight, grounding him to the floor.
Right. Second chances and all that crap.
“Baz—I mean, Sebastian. I know there’s nothing I can say to make up for how I failed as a parent.”
“Agreed.”
“But there are some things you don’t know that I’d like to explain, if I may.”
Baz crossed his arms in front of his chest. This had better be good.
Jack took a seat on the opposite end of the L-shaped sofa, elbows on his thighs. “Your mother was a deeply troubled person.”
That was his great defense? It would have been funny if it wasn’t so sad.
“You’re blaming her. How original.”
“I’m not. I blame myself for seeing the signs and not doing enough to help her. But I tried. Do you remember the trip she went on a few months before she died?”
Baz remembered the part where her great adventure had ended in the span of a few days because Jack had needed her too much to let her have fun. He remembered how lifeless she had looked on her return.
“What about it?”
“That was when I took her to rehab for the first time. She checked herself out after two days and vanished. I was looking for her day and night. Some colleagues found her high out of her mind in a homeless shelter a few days later. She refused to go back to rehab. I let her blame me so that you kids wouldn’t be alarmed to see her back so soon.
She struggled with demons she never let me see, Baz.
And I hoped loving her would be enough to help her through, but… against some things, we are powerless.”
Baz blinked against the heat in his eyes. “Did you love her as much as you loved Eevee growing up?”
“Baz,” Eevee hissed. It was a valid question! If he had denied Mom to be herself, no wonder she had demons haunting her.
“I’m so sorry, son. I really am. I tried to help your mom, and this whole trans business after she died, it was just too much. And that’s not an excuse, I know that. I’m sorry I made you two run away from me. But seeing how far you’ve come without me now, I couldn’t be prouder of you.”
“You have no right to be proud of us! This happened in spite of you, not because.”
“I think,” Sami interjected in the gentlest voice Baz had heard from him, “what Baz is saying is, having to fight for themselves for so long was hard in ways you can never make up for.”
“I know.” A tear ran down Jack’s cheek. “I can never undo the harm I caused you, but I promise that will not stop me from trying, if you’ll allow me. I just… I wanted you to know that.”
Baz squeezed his lips shut. Jack’s words shouldn’t mean anything. They didn’t! So why was there a part of him that wanted to believe? How naive could he be?
Eevee said something about… he didn’t even know.
His ears felt clogged up with water, distorting the voices around him.
Something about their move? Their life here?
Sharing details of what Jack had missed like he had been in a coma instead of being a dirtbag, and Baz just…
His fingers clawed into his thigh, he rocked back and forth in his seat, he couldn’t… H-he needed…
“Hey,” Sami whispered, the words suddenly crystal clear. “I think I forgot my phone in your car. Do you wanna help me look for it?”
Baz grabbed the lifesaver with both hands and walked out of the room before Sami could even stand.
“We’ll be right back,” he heard Sami say behind him.
Sami caught up with him in the stairwell and hooked his hand under his elbow, silent. Baz couldn’t even appreciate the touch.
What kind of idiocy would it be to let Jack back into his life? Even if he had gotten his shit together, did that entitle him to a second chance? At what, parenting? Too late for that.
So, what did he want then? To bask in their successes and pretend it was somehow his achievement too?
How could Baz ever trust the man who had failed them so spectacularly?
“Who says you have to trust him right away again?” That was Sami—only then did Baz realize he had said all that aloud, announced his business for the whole neighborhood to hear. He buried his face in his hands, grabbed fistfuls of his hair. Fuck, this was such a mess.
“Hey.” Sami eased open Baz’s hands. “You’re wise to keep a distance and be vigilant. You are nowhere near the forgive and forget stage after a few apologetic words. But do you think you might want a relationship with the version of your dad you’ve seen today?”
“I… If what he says is true…” Which it wasn’t.
Unless it was. And if so, if Jack had tried with their mom, if he had gotten his shit together…
Baz lost nothing by shutting him out, but he might if Jack flaked out again. What was there to gain, anyway? A father? Please. A bigger family?
A plaster for the wound on his soul that had never stopped bleeding?
If Jack had truly evolved past his bigotry, processed his pain… they never had grieved together. Baz would rather lick the dirty ground than admit he had missed Jack in his life, because he hadn’t. But maybe, sometimes, he had missed having a parent. If Jack was capable of becoming one now…
“Maybe,” Baz said. “Yes. I don’t know.”
Sami’s thumb stroked his cheek. Their chests touched as he leaned in. “You don’t have to know. What if you take it one day at a time, see where it takes you? If he gives you a reason to doubt him again?”
Baz was good at keeping his guard up. At least with everyone who wasn’t a confident, quick-witted, bold opposing counsel with a body to die for. “That could work.”
He barely had time to admire Sami’s pleased—dare he say proud—smile before Sami pressed a kiss on the corner of his mouth.
“The bright side in all of this is, your dad is hot.”
A bellowing laugh busted out of Baz, loud and cleansing, coming from a place inside of him he had not known existed. “Oh my god.”
“Seriously, if you look like him in thirty years, damn. I got a real catch here.”
Sami still saw them together in thirty years? Baz’s stomach fluttered. “You’re right, that is the bright side.”
He tugged at Sami’s shirt, begged him closer. And that wonderful man wrapped both his arms around Baz’s neck, held him unwaveringly, unapologetically. The pain in Baz’s chest imploded. His whole body shivered from the shockwaves.
He clung to Sami with all his strength, and Sami went nowhere. Didn’t push him away, didn’t let go. And somehow, breathing got easier again. Somehow, he felt lighter.
Free.
Slowly, Baz eased his grip. Only then did Sami let go too, enough for Baz to kiss his forehead.
“Thank you for being here and dealing with my mess.”
“I was a psychology undergrad. This is all deeply fascinating to me.”
Why did he feel the need to do that? To undermine himself and deflect praise he rightly earned?
“That’s not why you’re here.”
Sami’s throat bobbed. “No?”
“You’re a good person, Sami. I hope you believe that about yourself too.”
Looking back at their relationship, Baz wasn’t so sure he did. Sami acted confident, yes, but why did he pursue Baz, the guy who claimed to hate him, if not because maybe, he thought that was all he deserved?
“Ready to go back inside?” Sami asked, no acknowledgment of his own greatness. They’d work on that when Baz had the headspace for it.
“Your phone—”
Sami pulled it out of his pocket. Oh, Baz could kiss him for always knowing when he needed a break. Hell, why shouldn’t he, after all they had shared?
He sandwiched Sami’s face between his palms and pressed a lingering kiss onto his lips, willed all the gratitude and the warmth he felt to pour into it. When they came apart, Sami looked at him so softly, Baz wanted to never let him go. Still wrapped in each other’s arms, they walked back inside.
An eerie silence fell over the living room. All eyes on Baz.
Jack stood, looking like a lamb being led to slaughter as he sheepishly came closer.
Words. Baz needed some. God, why was this so hard?
He looked at Sami. Sami nodded at him, smiled even. Baz felt himself settle down.
“Thank you for your apology. I am looking forward to seeing you stick to it.”
A choking sob shook through Jack, and suddenly, another man was slumping against his chest. Hesitantly, he brought his hands onto Jack’s back. His musky cologne smelled like the home Baz had lost. The prickling heat was back in his eyes.
Okay, that was enough.
He stepped out of the embrace, immediately searched for Sami’s hand. Finding it calmed his racing heart.