25. Chapter 25
Chapter twenty-five
The dark monstrosity that was the courthouse towered over Baz like a storm cloud, threatening to swallow him whole. The scraps of a torn rainbow flag flapped in the gust of wind that froze Baz to the core.
Happy Pride month his ass.
This was it, what he had worked toward for half his life. Gaining class certification today would basically guarantee his promotion. His dream had never been so close. So why did he feel like he was standing at the edge of River Styx instead?
He met Aya’s questioning look with his best performance of a smile. Who knew, Sami might not even be here today. Not like he was a lawyer on the case. Maybe he had realized Baz wasn’t playing his game anymore and given up.
“After you, first chair.” Aya gestured toward the door.
Baz took a deep breath, willed the oxygen to kickstart his lawyer brain.
Winning was all that mattered. He would figure it out with Sami once this wasn’t hanging over their heads anymore.
If there were to be a ‘him and Sami’ after all this.
If there ever had been… Baz shook his head.
Those were exactly the kind of thoughts he needed to lock away. He would.
He nodded at Aya. They marched inside.
The cool, dry air scratched at the back of his throat as he queued for the security check.
Heavy footsteps echoed across the white-gray tiles, competing with the beeping of the bag scanners as the only noise in the high-ceilinged foyer; a stark contrast to the noisy chatter that filled the hallway behind it.
Baz kept his head down as they walked to their assigned courtroom with thirty minutes to spare.
Vanessa Martinez had to be around already. They should find her for some last-minute prep—
“There they are.” Ian’s voice tensed his shoulders. “Sebastian and his ethnic girlfriend.”
Jesus Christ. How did Aya manage to resist kneeing Ian in the crotch when he said shit like that? Baz couldn’t deal with him, not today. Not without a judge present to hold him in contempt for his idiocy.
He appeared to be by himself; no sign of those dark curls Baz missed twirling around his finger.
It’s for the better, Baz screamed at the howling pit in his stomach.
“Last chance to take that settlement,” Ian said, as if Baz were stupid to decline his insulting offer. As if Ian’s client wouldn’t be the one suffering from bad publicity if this dragged on.
“Isn’t there a baby somewhere you have to make cry?” Baz deadpanned.
Ian huffed as much of a grin as a face frozen by Botox could manage. The skin around his eyes crinkled like plastic under the strain. “A sense of humor. Who would have thought?”
Baz pressed his lips shut. Finally, Ian took the hint, turned away—and there was Sami. Baz’s heart stopped.
“The file you wanted,” Sami said, placing a half-full binder onto Ian’s forearm. He was clean-shaven, like the day they had met. Such an uncomfortably unfamiliar sight. And then, those hazel eyes pierced through Baz.
All the air got sucked out of the hallway, sounds ceased, time and space froze in an endless vacuum.
Sami’s lips parted. Pain etched into his soft features, pain that had Baz’s heart screaming to pull Sami into his arms already, shield him from whatever was haunting him. Baz squeezed his hands into fists instead.
Sami looked away. His curls bounced with every rushed step toward the bathroom.
Baz forced himself to breathe; his lungs ached for more, for better than mere air. Sami’s cologne, the sweetness of his breath. Anything that reminded him why life was worth living.
What if he was wrong again, and Sami was actually on his side? If this were nothing but a misunderstanding—god, let it be a misunderstanding—they ought to sort it. Right?
“Bad idea,” Aya hissed. Baz hadn’t realized he had taken two steps away from her already.
“What about this isn’t?” Really, what did he have to lose, still? They already weren’t speaking.
He had been a coward for dodging this conversation, and a fool for thinking he could ignore Sami. The elephant was too big to fit inside the courtroom. He couldn’t spend the whole hearing wondering.
Who was he to say Sami didn’t have a perfectly reasonable explanation? And if not, if Sami did laugh in his face and revealed his true colors, the spite would fuel Baz. Either way, he would be free from the tormenting spiral. Going after Sami might be the best idea he’d had in months.
This time, Aya didn’t stop him.
Sami was washing his hands. Their eyes met in the mirror. Gone was the intoxicating energy that had enticed Baz the last time they had found themselves here—Sami’s cold gaze was an avalanche burying Baz under its icy weight.
“He’s alive,” Sami remarked, drying his hands with a paper towel. “Did your phone break that a guy can’t get a text back?”
“What game are you playing, Sami?”
Sami froze for the blink of an eye, undetectable for anyone who hadn’t spent hours worshipping his body. He crumpled the paper towel and tossed it into the trash.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Eevee told me you were kicked out of school. I know you’re not a lawyer. So, what are you? Why did you get close to me?”
“I never said I was a lawyer,” Sami said matter-of-factly, straightening his suit like he suddenly gave a damn that it was ill-fitting.
“You heavily implied it! You know that’s what I thought you were.”
“And your assumptions are my fault how? I did not act as a lawyer in any capacity. I work for Ian, personally. That’s it.”
“Oh, because that’s such a small difference!”
“Why are you mad?” Sami asked like the very notion was ridiculous. How could it be? Sami had just admitted he was only hired to do Ian’s bidding!
“You lied to me!”
Sami whipped around. “I have never lied to you! You just never asked. In fact, you made it pretty damn clear you don’t care to hear about my mistakes, so you don’t get to storm in here and confront me about how fucked up my life is, like that is somehow a personal offense to you!”
That—the simmering rage inside of Baz was squashed by the weight of Sami’s point. He couldn’t seriously think Baz didn’t care about him?
“I said that months ago. Things changed between us.”
Sami’s dismissive scoff was a whip to his heart. “Have they? ‘Cause clearly, you still don’t trust me.”
“I did trust you! I trusted you with things I’ve never trusted anyone with.
And then I find out that we’re not just two guys who happen to work the same case, because it’s not your case at all.
So of course I’m left wondering, is this all part of Ian’s plan?
Did he hire you to flirt with me and, what, manipulate me? ”
Sami’s nostrils flared as he stomped closer. “I’m not a fucking prostitute, Baz! I might have sold my soul to the devil like you so love pointing out, but I still have some dignity. No matter what you think.”
“I don’t think that!” He didn’t know what to think, didn’t dare to dream that Sami might care, dreaded the chance that he might not.
“I just… I want to understand. You knew Eevee would tell me the truth the moment you recognized her. So why the hell didn’t you tell me before she did if you have nothing to hide? ”
Sami sniffed and shook his head no, hundreds of tiny movements. “We’re not gonna do this. You don’t get to confront me and demand answers from me whenever it suits you after ignoring me for days.”
“I didn’t plan this! I wanted to wait until after the hearing, but then I saw you, and…
” I miss you. Baz swallowed against the racing heartbeat in his throat.
He wiped the first traces of wetness from the corner of his eye.
“And if this was just a game to you, then I need to know now, because it sure as hell is real to me.”
There. If Sami wanted to shatter his heart, this was his chance. Baz prayed he’d be quick about it so the numbness would set in before the hearing started.
Sami’s reddened eyes widened. His jaw went slack, only for a second before his hands met, palm to palm, against his lips.
“No. No, no, no—you’re supposed to hate me,” he muttered as if that had been a part of their agreement and he couldn’t believe Baz had violated it.
“If you wanted me to hate you, you shouldn’t have been there for me when I needed you! I—” Baz bit his lips together. He couldn’t say what he felt. Not now, not like this, when he still didn’t know what Sami wanted with him.
But Sami looked so vulnerable, so soft, so much like his Sami…
“I’m terrified,” Baz admitted. “I don’t do feelings, Sami.
But you made me want to try, and I can’t stand the idea that this was all in my head.
I know this is the worst timing, and I’m sorry.
I shouldn’t have ignored you and I shouldn’t have sprung this on you right now, but I need to know if this means something to you, too. ”
“Of course it does.” Sami’s voice was so faint, so quiet, Baz had to strain his ears to pick up the words. But when he did, the meaning shot through him like a bolt of lightning. Baz released a shaky breath. “But it’s not supposed to.”
“Why not? What aren’t you telling me, Sami?”
Sami slung one arm around his chest, supported the elbow of the other on it, fist against his mouth. Brimming with something he still didn’t say.
Baz dared to reach out. He glided his hand down the too-loose jacket on Sami’s upper arms, untwisted them.
Sami’s mouth opened. No sound came out, but his fingers slid between Baz’s. For the first time in days, Baz felt warm again. Whole.
“Tell me. Please.”
Sami shook his head. “I can’t.”
“Why?” If they both meant what happened between them, why did Sami still have to hold back? Why couldn’t they be together? What was Baz missing here?
Sami’s thumb swiped across his jaw, tender, as if Baz was a delicate piece of art he couldn’t resist touching. Silence.
“Please, Sami. Hayati. Help me understand.”
Sami’s lower lip trembled. “I—”