Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Bowie
I lasted six whole days before I called Easton to speak to him about therapy and to talk to him about why I felt I needed it.
Like six nights of almost no sleep, though I had managed to stay in the bed and at least lie down and try to get my mind to relax so Tony and Pressley wouldn’t freak out completely.
Tony told me he’d warned Pressley about how bad my insomnia got.
I couldn’t even be mad; he’d been right to do that, especially with the journey we’d just embarked on.
It wasn’t just about me anymore; it was for the good of the band and making sure that I was in the best shape I could be when I got up on stage with them.
And okay, that almost panic attack when the glass shattered in the club had been eye-opening, especially after the night that followed.
The other thing that had pushed me in that direction was the dinner with Pressley’s parents, who’d been warm, amazing, and welcoming throughout the whole evening we’d spent with them.
Even his sister, who absolutely needed a censor button like I did, had been nothing but cool.
I’d nearly torpedoed my relationship with Pressley by freaking out and refusing to go, all because my scars had become the only part of myself I ever thought about.
It wasn’t fair, to myself or him, that I weighed everything I thought and did on them.
And yeah, the other part of my panic was the thought of going back to Eugene and having people I’d grown up around see what had happened to me.
I may have done my best to keep it as hush-hush as possible, insisting that my family didn’t talk about it to anyone, which made it a lot easier for me not to talk about it ever.
Only that had never worked for me, even less so now, so fixing it was the only option.
Honestly, I was relieved when Easton and I switched from texting to talking, though I’d been reluctant at first. Hearing him say that my taking the steps to work it out now, in the beginning of my journey with Masterson, showed him a maturity that he was pleased to see had made it easier to open up to him about everything, including the truth about how I’d come to be at auditions.
That it had all been Tony’s doing, because I’d never have had the courage to do something like that on my own.
But you found it the first time you got up and performed with Imminent.
There was seriously nothing I could say to refute that.
Maybe because you never really lost it, you just buried it beneath those scars.
Oh, ouch, okay, well, he’d nailed that in one.
The whole idea of spilling my guts to a stranger was one I was still struggling to wrap my head around, though I doubted they’d feel that way for long with two sessions a week scheduled for the foreseeable future.
Tony looked far too smug when I told him I’d finally started talking to someone, but I guess he was owed that.
At least I’d gotten two under my belt before tonight, because in just a few minutes we’d be taking the stage in Eugene, with a couple of my siblings in attendance and who the hell else I knew.
I made the last-minute decision to tie my hair back as we headed out there, so I wouldn’t have to dread this moment the next time we rolled through.
Holy shit, the place was packed. As in to the fuckin’ rafters, and yeah, it was a multi-band show, so it wasn’t like we were the cause of all the fanfare, but it would still be one of the biggest venues I’d ever played.
Last night in Portland had been the first, and damn, we took to the stage in Eugene riding high on the memory of that.
Every song flowed, ours and the covers. We’d started alternating between the two in preparation for Rocktoberfest. By the time we reached the desert, the final set list would be finalized, and then there would be nothing to do but nail it, the way we did tonight.
Looking out over that crowd, I was just amazed to be a part of the moment. To my left, I spotted a sign with my name on it, but all I could see of the person who held it up was multicolored hair.
Bowie kissed me in high school! The sign read.
Well, that could be any number of guys, but damn, it was pretty fuckin’ awesome to see.
Bowie sat beside me in homeroom! Was on another sign, and I nodded in that direction and grinned, because yeah, any of the four people it might have been had been truly awesome, and I was glad I wasn’t in the crowd tonight.
The other sign just had my name in glitter that sparkled whenever one of the strobe lights hit it.
Tony’s name was on several too. Guess we were the hometown heroes who’d done good, at least so far.
We ended with ‘Ya’ll Want a Single’ in celebration of how Tony and I had come to be in the band together.
Looking back on it, the universe really intervened for things to have turned out the way that they did.
Embracing him center stage before we bowed, all I could think about was how lucky I was to be living my dream right beside my best friend.
I came down off the stage to find Wolf waiting for me, a concerned look on his face.
“Got a guy who says he really needs to talk to you,” Wolf said. “Said you know him and that his name is Axis. You say the word, and I’ll dropkick him across the parking lot. Guy was twitchy as hell.”
“No, umm,” I stammered, needing a moment to collect my thoughts.
Seeing him or one of my other former bandmates in the crowd had been something I’d hoped for in Portland, and I’d been completely disappointed when I didn’t spot any of them.
I’d left figuring I’d have to wait for the album to drop and our songs to start playing on the radio before they learned what they’d thrown away, and I’d never been particularly good at waiting.
Hearing that at least one of them was there, yeah, I wanted to hear what the fuck Axis had to say.
“He’s always been that way,” I told Wolf, my voice hard, and yeah, there was a coldness that had started creeping in too, so much so that even I was shocked by how fast it happened. “He’s no one to be concerned about. You can let him back.”
“Alright, but no assault charges.”
“Bet.”
The Axis I remembered had far fewer tats than the guy who cautiously approached me, almost a full sleeve on one arm that hadn’t been there the last time I’d seen him.
“You guys fuckin’ slayed up there,” Axis said, meeting my gaze for a moment before glancing away.
“Regretting your fuckin’ choice now?” I snarled.
“Wasn’t my choice, was theirs.”
Pause.
Rewind.
What the fuck did he just say?
Nails on a chalkboard screeched through my head.
“W-what?”
“Rory and Duce voted to replace you, not me.”
“Why.”
“Because of the way we were being scouted. They wanted that contract, and they weren’t willing to wait to try and grab it.”
“Not that why; I know that why. Duce admitted that much when he came to the hospital,” I said. “What he didn’t say was that the vote wasn’t unanimous.”
Blinking, he just let out a soft oh.
Yeah, that wasn’t the answer I was after.
“Why would you, of all people, have voted to keep me?” I snapped, getting sick of his silence.
Then he gestured out there to where the people were gearing up for the next band.
“’cause you rocked it out every time you played.
If anyone knew how good you were, even back then, it was me.
I just wanted to tell you that I’m glad you found a band that believes in you and that you’re getting the opportunity to be the star you were born to be.
And I wanted to wish you luck at Rocktoberfest; maybe one year my partners and I will get out there to see you. ”
“Partners…”
“Roman and Ezzy and I got back together, and we’re kinda also with someone else too. He, um, he’s a musician, or was. I’ve always wanted to go, and anyway, I heard that you guys were going to play there, and that’s fuckin’ awesome man.”
“Why the fuck didn’t you come to the hospital and tell me what was going on in the band?” I snapped. “Maybe we could have put our heads together if you wanted me to stay so fuckin’ bad!”
He flinched at that and took a half step back, face paling, and for a moment, when his eyes went wide, I was sure he was about to have a panic attack, and I sure as fuck wouldn’t know what to do about it.
“O-kay,” I said, hoping to calm him down with a bit of snark. “So, hospitals are a no. Got it.”
“I-I…” he stammered; tears actually shimmered in his eyes before he ducked his head.
“Wanted to, tried a couple times, I just couldn’t make myself walk through the doors; I thought I was gonna pass out just pulling into the parking lot.
The last time this nurse tried to get a wheelchair for me and I nearly knocked myself out on the doors.
I bolted so fast they barely got open in time.
Smacked my shoulder instead and had a bruise for a week I hit it so hard. ”
“Oh.”
Shit.
Well.
Now I had no words.
“Tried texting you a bunch of times, but I guess you were so messed up you wouldn’t have gotten them until it was too late for you to care.”
“Never got them because my phone had gotten smashed to hell in the wreck.
“Oh.”
There were a lot of ohs going on in this conversation and a whole lot of misassumptions, especially on my part.
“I, um, spent a lot of time in the hospital as a kid,” Axis admitted.
“My, um, brother was sick, and I-I um, was a genetic match for him, so, um, there were a lot of days in hospital rooms alone, and I kinda freak at the thought of going in one now. I’m sorry I couldn’t make myself go up there. You deserved better.”
“So did you,” I blurted. “Better than me turning every practice into a competition, and way better than the way I always went out of my way to show you up on stage. I didn’t know you’d come back here after the band broke up, I’d heard you were still playing in Portland.”
“Until a few months ago, when everything changed between me and Roman and Ezzy,” he explained.
“I realized that I didn’t love the music as much as I loved them, and honestly, I was never very good.
My folks have been, well, a little more welcoming now that I’m back home, though they are not on board with the whole poly thing. ”
“Axis, dude, you quit?”
He just gave a little shrug. “Mackenzie and I play together whenever the mood hits; that’s my other partner.
I like that I can just enjoy myself and not have to feel like I need to be up there just to prove something to my folks.
I gotta get going before they start worrying about me, but it was awesome to see you again.
Thanks for letting me come back and talk to you. ”
He gave a little wave and turned, but there was no way I was letting things end like that.
“Hang on a minute,” I snapped, reaching out to stop him, but he stopped on his own. “I’ve got some things I’d like to say too.”
When he turned back around, his eyes were wary, like he was bracing for a fight.
“You were good. I’m betting you still are.
Good enough not to ever think about quitting,” I said.
“Sometimes I’d catch a glimpse of you sitting off to the side working on something, and there would be the most blissed-out, serene look on your face while you played, like you were playing in another place, seeing and hearing things the rest of us couldn’t.
Never saw you do that on stage, which was one of the reasons I pushed you.
The other was just me being a dick. I hope someday you find that again and the passion you had when the band first formed.
Maybe one day we’ll be out in the desert together, both getting up on one of those Rocktoberfest stages. ”
“Naa man, that’s all you,” Axis said. “I’m never leaving Eugene or Ezzy and Roman again. They are the best things I will ever have in my life. I’d never play another note again as long as it meant I got to be with them every day for the rest of my life.”
Whoa.
I’d known their connection ran deep. I’d known they’d been in love before he’d taken off with the band. Hell, I’d been shocked when he’d started letting people pick him up, only to learn that their relationship had ended on the night he’d left.
I realized then just how brightly he smiled when he talked about them.
It was a shame, though I guess you could also call it lucky.
“Either way, you take care of yourself,” I told him.
“You too, be safe out there in the desert.”
“Will do. One brush with death is more than enough to last me a lifetime.”
“I bet. I’m glad you’re okay now. At least I get to brag to people that I got to play with you way back when.”
“Yeah,” I said.
“See ya, Bowie,” he remarked, then hurried through the door to catch up with the men he loved, while I stood there with a weird hole where a chunk of my anger had been.
He was the one guy whose vote I could fully justify, and yet learning he’d been the one to stand up for me was definitely something I was going to need to unravel with my therapist. His reason, so simple, pure, and honest, had completely thrown me, though maybe it shouldn’t.
I’d seen how loyal he was back in high school, when he’d wade in to take on anyone who gave Ezzy shit, even when he was outnumbered.
If anything, maybe this should be a lesson in not jumping to conclusions the way I did with him.
That look of fear when I’d said hospital reminded me of the look on my face in the bathroom mirror the night I’d had my first nightmare at Pressley’s house.
Our house?
Naa I was not to the point where I could fully think of it that way. Not yet.
I just hoped that he sought some help for that fear, or he was going to be in a world of trouble if something ever happened where he had no choice but to step foot in a hospital.
Look at me, two therapy sessions in and already hoping someone else got the help they needed. Was that what therapy culture was all about? Being able to pick up on the signs in others once you were able to identify them in yourself?
Guess I was gonna find out.