Chapter Forty-Six
ADRIAN
Boston
I was sure I’d be worthless today, but since Finley did alright in the daycare yesterday, I decided we needed to go into the office instead of working remotely.
“Alright, little demon, time to get dressed so Daddy can be productive.”
Finley decided not to pull another impersonation of The Exorcist and settled into her car seat happily for the ride downtown. She was all smiles when I got her checked into the infant room and I sighed in relief that we’d made it through a night solo without me totally screwing up.
Leaning against the back wall of the elevator, I closed my eyes as it traveled upward, trying to tune out the other people as the car filled.
“Rough night, O’Neill?” A voice teased from my right, and I peeked one eye open. Sloane was leaning against the wall beside me, hands folded across her stomach. She looked perfectly put together, as always, but I was sure I looked like a hot mess. Trying to get dressed with a clingy baby who screamed if you put her down was not easy.
“Little bit. How’s your morning going?”
“Good. Good. Did Isobel get home alright last night?”
“I’m sure she did. We didn’t ride in together this morning. I told her to stay at her place last night so she could actually get some sleep.”
She frowned, turning toward me once enough people had gotten off so she could move. “She seemed a bit off at dinner last night, so I sent her home early. Having a newborn is rough, so I want her to take her time transitioning back in, but I appreciate her willingness to help get this rights deal to bed. She’ll be a real asset in New York with me next week since she has an existing relationship with the author.”
“She’s eager to get back into her normal job duties. I know she’s felt guilty that her maternity leave didn’t go as planned.”
“She has no reason to feel guilty. These things happen. I’m just glad we could accommodate her leave so you two could handle what you needed to. While it wasn’t ideal, the rest of the team was able to handle your absences.”
“Do you think she’s ready to come back? Other than being tired, how did she seem yesterday?” Since Sloane had spent more time with her than I had, I wanted to see how much of an intervention I needed to stage when I finally tracked her down.
“Not her usual self, but that’s to be expected when you’re functioning on broken sleep. Honestly, she was fine all afternoon and throughout most of dinner. I think she had a minor wardrobe malfunction and seemed embarrassed about it, so I sent her home so she could change and get things situated.”
She must have noticed my confusion and leaned in, circling her palm in front of her chest. “Poor thing had a leak that seeped into her blouse. I tried to tell her it happened to most of us at some point or another, but I could tell she’d been crying.”
Fuck. She’d been embarrassed the first time she’d leaked through a nursing pad while we were still in the hospital, too. No one really cared. She was obviously a new mother, but she’d started hiding herself to pump after that.
“If Isobel comes with me, are you ready to go solo with Finley for a few days next week? You’re welcome to work with her in your office if you need to at any point.”
“I’m sure we’ll manage,” I replied. It’d be a battle to get Isobel to go with Sloane on this trip, but we’d manage without her because she needed to go. “She’s done well in the daycare so far. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”
“Let me know if you guys need anything. I know some of the stodgy old execs think letting parents have flexibility while their kids are little is too new age, but I’d rather have happy, productive employees than risk people burning out or worrying about absences they can’t control.”
“And we appreciate that,” I said as the elevator doors opened on my floor. “It was good talking to you.”
“Hug that little cutie for me. I might need you to bring her to my office once we return next week for some snuggles.”
As I walked to my office, I checked my phone again, frowning as I saw a text from an unfamiliar number.
Unknown: Is got to my place safe last night. She’s sleeping in my guest bedroom, but I think she needs some time to talk through things before she goes home. Are you okay with Finley another night?
Adrian: Who is this?
Unknown: Leila. She showed up at my apartment last night in tears.
Adrian: Is she still there? I’ll head there after work if she needs me.
Leila: She was in rough shape. I don’t think she wants you to see her like this. She doesn’t know I stole your number from her phone.
Adrian: Please keep me updated on how she is. I’m worried about her. She’s been so depressed lately and nothing seems to help.
Leila: A bestie Come to Jesus talk is coming her way when she wakes up. I’ve pulled her out of it before, so I know how she shuts down. Please don’t give up on her. She’s been through a lot, and I don’t think she’s processed a lot of it.
Adrian: We’ll be okay today. Please try to convince her to talk to someone.
Leila: On it.
Adrian: Thank you.
Leila: Thanks for not being Dickhead anymore. I honestly think you’re good for her and it’d be easy for you to give up on her, but I know you’re a solid guy who’ll stick it out.
Adrian: Giving up on her wouldn’t be easy. And it won’t happen.
It hurt that she didn’t feel she could come to me, but if it meant she’d finally go talk to someone instead of retreating into herself, I had faith Leila would talk some sense into her.
Finley was all smiles when I picked her up from the daycare at the end of the day. My mind was still a chaotic mess—worried about Isobel—but I knew I couldn’t force her. She wouldn’t leave us. I knew that in my heart. She was lost, and I hoped she’d find her way out of it without falling apart even more.
Maybe I should have pushed the issue months ago, but I’d been too scared and overwhelmed by everything going on with Finley to really process how Isobel was crumbling before my eyes. If she didn’t want to talk to someone about how she’d been feeling, I couldn’t force her. She had to want to get healthy for herself.
It’d been so gradual over the last several months, and I hadn’t realized how bad it had gotten until yesterday. She’d been pulling into herself bit by bit until the vibrant woman I’d fallen for was a ghost of herself.
I knew she couldn’t see why I wanted to marry her, but even after her rejection, I still wanted that. Not just because we had a child together, but because I’d been falling for her for years. I wouldn’t let the last nine months of our lives define her. She deserved more than that. She’d had one man who couldn’t support her through hard times, and I wasn’t going to be a coward like him.
Even if she never wanted to marry me, I was hers. Finley wasn’t the only thing tying us together, and if she needed me to love her harder over the next few months while we tried to get through this rough spot, I would. Because I was going to need her to lean on soon, and I was afraid she’d fall apart if I couldn’t hold us both afloat.
Pop’s health had been declining, Hutch and I having more conversations than we would like about putting him in a care facility, but Ma was still holding out. We were both struggling through some pretty heavy things right now, but I wasn’t going to let either of them push us apart. Both of us deserved to be happy. I just wished I’d done more for Isobel, so things didn’t get to this point.
Finley chugged her way through a bottle once we got back to my apartment and then passed out, peacefully sleeping on my chest. I knew I should get up to feed myself, but she was only this little once. Her tiny lips quivered as I gazed at her, cataloging all the ways she looked like her mother. I was going to have to use the next thirteen years to prepare myself for when she was a teenager, because she was going to get me into trouble. With her pink pouty lips, the dimples she had started showing off when she smiled, and her deep blue eyes, she was going to be a heartbreaker.
I only hoped her mother didn’t break mine.
The buzzing of my phone awoke me, and I yawned as I blindly felt across the bed to find it. The faint sounds of tiny breaths came from the crib on the other side of the room, and I hoped Fin would stay asleep for a little longer.
My phone buzzed again, and I lifted Isobel’s pillow, finding it stuffed underneath.
The screen went blank as I turned it to face me, and a missed call alert popped up on the screen. Isobel had been trying to call, and I missed it.
Another alert scrolled across the screen for a voicemail before I could get it unlocked.
Since I’d accidentally fallen asleep with my glasses on, the face identification kept popping up a failure alert until I ripped them off and chucked them at my nightstand. Finley startled after they hit the surface, and I cursed that I’d woken her up.
Giving up on my phone momentarily, I scooped my grumpy girl up, holding her to my bare chest and heading toward the kitchen to make her a bottle.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. Daddy is a mess this morning. Let’s get you fed so you don’t start waking the neighbors.”
Normally on Saturday mornings, we’d take her for a walk to a park close to my place if we stayed here, but going without Isobel somehow felt wrong. I didn’t want to do this parenting thing by myself. I knew she was worried about failing, but from what my brother had told me over the years, none of us knew what we were doing. We just had to try to mold our tiny people into good humans despite our very adult flaws .
Finley’s little fist flexed in my chest hair, and I winced as she pulled, sounding as frustrated and adrift as I felt. “I know, baby girl, I miss Mommy too.”
Bouncing her on my hip, I got a bottle ready and returned to the couch to feed her. Her little eyes were a carbon copy of mine, and they tracked my movements while she clung to my fingers holding the bottle. She wasn’t quite ready to hold it on her own, but it was only a matter of time. Part of me wanted to fast forward to her being a little more independent, but I knew these moments were fleeting.
Sooner than I was ready for, she’d turn into the snarky teen I saw in my niece. Pen was already as tall as my Ma, and it was weird to see the little girl I used to carry around on my shoulders growing into an almost adult.
“You need to stay this little forever,” I whispered, stroking her cheek. Milk leaked out of the corner of her mouth as she smiled up at me, dribbling down my bare chest. “But maybe you could also start sleeping. That’d be awesome.”
I could hear my phone buzzing from the other room and knew I should go find it, but I was soaking in the quiet morning.
Fin’s eyelids started drooping, her once voracious sucks turning into little lip quivers as she drifted. “Don’t even think about it. It’s not time for a nap yet. Maybe we should start some of that tummy time stuff I know you hate.”
She squawked as I stood, bouncing her a bit as I rubbed her back. Of course, I’d made a rookie mistake and she spit up on my chest—again—sour milk embedding itself into my chest hair, but at least she hadn’t pulled a full-on Exorcist head spin.
“Guess we’re doing tummy time in the bathroom.” Gathering the mat and play pillow, I balanced everything on one arm as I tried to keep her from rubbing herself in the spit-up cementing itself into my abs. Babies were gross.
“But maybe we should change your diaper first since you already made a mess of Daddy.” As if on cue, she grunted, and the sound of a tiny explosion could be felt through her diaper against my arm. “That’s just nasty. No wonder Mommy is worn out. You really are a little demon.”
I expected her to cry at the smell, but she laughed, cementing my nickname for her even more.
Trying not to gag as I saved her from the toxic waste in her diaper, I double bagged that shit—literally—and sealed it into a Ziploc before I stashed it at the bottom of the bathroom trash can. I definitely needed to take that to the trash chute sometime soon. I’d thought I’d seen and smelled some pretty disgusting things throughout my lifetime. Hell, I’d spent time in an MLB locker room during Spring Training after playing in 90-degree heat, but nothing compared to the smell of a ripe diaper that’d been left to decay for too long.
Finley was all smiles as I propped her up on the little pillow that was tucked underneath her armpits, her eyes tracking the crinkly toys attached to the front of it as she tried to pick them up with her tiny fingers.
“Don’t go anywhere,” I warned her, stripping off my bottoms and climbing into the shower.
I was hopeful I’d make it through before she unleashed her scream of holy terror, but just as I was washing the shampoo from my hair, Finley let out a shriek that I was sure the neighbors could hear through the floor. Maybe I needed to invest in noise-cancellation headphones for Isobel for Mother’s Day. I wasn’t sure how she made it through the day with Fin with her hearing intact.
After the world’s fastest shower, I grabbed a towel, wrapping it around my hips before I saved my temperamental baby from the clutches of her evil tummy time crinkly toys.
“You really need to work on your timing, kid.”
As soon as I picked her up, she settled, her little baby talons scraping my chest as I carried her back into my bedroom. “Watch it,” I hissed, trying to pry her tiny fingers from my chest .
She cooed as I lowered her to the mattress while I pulled out some boxer briefs from the dresser. I watched her like a hawk as I started to dress and wondered how we’d manage to do anything when this kid started to roll in the next few months. Once she was mobile, it was game over.
“Can you chill for like a minute so I can find my phone?”
She cooed again as I dropped to my knees and reached between the bed frame and my nightstand to retrieve the wayward technology.
Closing my eyes once it was in my grasp, I simultaneously prayed for a message from Isobel and also dreaded what one might say.
Leila had asked for the time to let Is work through whatever was going on, but I desperately wanted to talk to her. To hear her voice and know she was safe, even if she wasn’t okay right now.
Waking the screen, I saw several text notifications waiting for me.
Hutch: Pops is in the ER. He fell this morning but seems to be okay. Scared the shit out of me more than anything. Call me if you get this, I have a feeling we’ve hit the point where he needs more than Ma and I can give him.
Sitting down on the bed, I scrubbed my hand over my face, knowing he was right. It wasn’t fair of any of us to ignore that we were headed toward the end of our time with him. Watching him slip further and further into himself, I knew my grandma would have been heartbroken to see him like this.
Hutch: You know Pen would love to keep her cousin entertained while we discuss things with Ma. They’re probably going to admit him for observation until at least tomorrow. While he’s got a hard head, he also managed to give himself a concussion. Thankfully he didn’t break anything else on the way down .
Shit.
Adrian: Let me get some things packed up and I’ll meet you at the house.
Hutch: Isobel is welcome too. I can stop to grab lunch on my way back. Ma needs to eat something.
I hesitated, not wanting to drag my brother into whatever was going on in my personal life while he was in the thick of it with our grandfather.
Adrian: She’s taking care of some things today and leaves for New York tomorrow. It’ll just be me and Fin.
Hutch: No one to stop me from stealing some baby snuggles from my kid.
Adrian: Not your kid, fuck face. See you in a few hours. Need me to break Pen out of Lena’s?
Hutch: She can walk over. Thankfully she wasn’t home when he fell. I don’t want her to see him like that.
No one wanted to see him like that. But you couldn’t avoid dementia just because you didn’t want to lose someone mentally before you watched them fade away physically.
Taking a deep breath, I rested my palm on Fin’s stomach before I pulled open the next text message.
Isobel: Tried to call a few times. I’m back at my apartment trying to sort through the nightmare of packing my closet so I can unbury my suitcase.
Isobel: I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. It wasn’t fair of me to just disappear.
Isobel: I totally get it if you hate me right now. I’m trying not to hate myself. I love both of you so much.
Deciding it was easier to talk to her while I tried to get ready, I called her, and she answered on the first ring.
“Hey,” her voice was quiet, but for once she didn’t sound exhausted.
“Hey,” I responded, using my shoulder to hold the phone to my head as I went to the dresser to find clothes to wear.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, and I could tell she was still beating herself up about prioritizing her needs.
“You don’t need to apologize, babe. You shouldn’t feel guilty for asking for help when you have other responsibilities you need to handle.”
“But I feel bad when those responsibilities take me away from you and Fin. And now Sloane needs me to fly to New York with her for that meeting tomorrow, but I don’t want you to hate me if I just leave both of you.”
Sighing, I put the phone on speaker and laid it on my dresser while I pulled on my shirt. “Do you need to take this trip?”
“Well, I…” she trailed off, and I hated she was still trying to justify always putting her needs last.
“Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. If you need to go to New York, then go. Fin and I will be okay. There are plenty of people who will step up to help if I need it.”
“Sloane is worried my author won’t agree to the new contract with the adjusted agreement on moving her books into film production. She’s been with Vivid for years, and I’ve been her editor since the beginning. If we can’t secure the film rights to her books, it’ll set the California office back months in planning while we try to shuffle another project forward, which means securing the rights to another manuscript, and…”
“Then it shouldn’t even be a question. Go do what you need to. It’s only a few days.”
The speaker rustled as I heard her take a deep breath. “After I finish packing, do you want to come over there?”
Sighing, I looked toward where Fin was trying to eat her fist in the center of the bed. “We need to head to Ma’s today. Pops is in the hospital.”
“Adrian, oh my God. Why didn’t you lead with that? Is he okay? Do you need me to come get Finley?”
“He’s got a concussion but didn’t break anything. He’s stable, and they’re keeping him for observations. Hutch said Pen is looking forward to some one-on-one baby time, so I’m hoping it keeps them both distracted while we make some decisions.”
“I’ll call Sloane and tell her what’s going on. We can try to reschedule…”
“No, Is. All you’d be doing is waiting around.” My heart ached with how she was so willing to drop everything, but we both had things that needed our attention right now. “You’re only going to be gone for a night. Go get those contracts signed and I’ll let you know if things change with Pops.”
She was quiet, and I knew she wanted to argue with me about staying here, but she eventually whispered, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope he’s going to be okay.”
“Me too.” He had to be.
Sunday I was too busy to even check my phone, scouring through websites to find places near Southie that were taking new memory care patients. Thankfully, Pops had a little nest egg tucked away since the mortgage was paid off—thanks to my salary from my single year with the Sox and some of Hutch’s income while he was overseas.
Relying on a Medicare bed being open wasn’t going to happen. Ma had been pulling strings where she could, getting appointments set for her and Hutch to tour some facilities first thing on Monday .
I wanted to be there to help, but Finley wasn’t allowed in most of the places he could go until she was a little older. Pops’ concussion was showing the promise of resolving itself, but the doctors didn’t want to discharge him with how confused he still seemed.
Hutch had stuck around the house to help Pen with her cousin while I made a trip to the hospital to see him. I hated leaving Finley since she’d not slept well the night before and woke up refusing to eat and out of sorts, but Hutch had insisted he could handle a cranky baby.
When I got to the hospital, I was exhausted. I wasn’t typically quick to cry, but seeing him in that hospital bed gutted me. I’d grown up without a father, but this man had tried his best to make up for his son’s absence. He’d been our rock for so long, encouraging us to spread our wings and find our places in life, and now we needed to be strong for him.
I never wanted Finley to grow up with only one parent. The circumstances were different than a husband killed in action, but I couldn’t lose Isobel. Whatever I had to do to make sure she found her way through this depression, I would do.
My phone had been an afterthought until I arrived back at my apartment. Finley had been worn out from playing with her cousin and slept the whole way home, only briefly rousing to drink part of a bottle before I settled her back into the crib.
Isobel would only be gone a few days on her trip, but it felt like it was a lifetime away. I needed her, but asking her to choose between something she needed to do for her job and shouldering my burdens when there wasn’t anything for her to do to help wasn’t fair. She had enough on her plate, so I needed to focus on the things on mine.