16. Madelyn #3
The second the words leave my mouth, I wish I could take them back. Nonie looks like I've shattered her heart. She lowers her eyes to the now empty whiskey glass sitting in her lap, turning it slowly between her hands while she struggles to find the words.
When she finally speaks, her voice is barely above a whisper. “You're right. I don't have an excuse, baby. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I promise you never have to go back, Madelyn. I promise.”
We both sniff and wipe the tears from our eyes, trying to get back to the here and now. I don’t want to be mad at her forever. I can’t blame her for the shit my dad did. The only person I have to blame is him, and he’s gone now.
“Why don’t you stay here with me from now on? I don’t like the idea of you staying in that dorm when there’s someone out there threatening you. It’s safer here, and we could have so much fun! What do you say?”
I love her for wanting to protect me, I really do, but I’ve gone this long on my own and I can’t pull her into the crossfire. If my father really is the one after me after what I did to him, I can’t risk Nonie getting hurt. It’s why I’ve been trying to push Miles away, but that man won’t budge.
“I can’t. I really appreciate the offer, but it was such a pain in the ass dealing with buses to get here and I can’t imagine doing that every day for classes. Besides, it’s nice being on my own for once.”
She nods her head in understanding and gives me a tight hug.
I love her hugs. They remind me so much of my mom and take me back to those sweet memories of her.
It’s selfish of me, but when I think of her like this, I always wish she wouldn’t have done it.
I wish being my mom and being with me could have been enough to stay.
After crying over my mom and spending the rest of the afternoon sharing memories of her with Nonie, she drove me back to campus.
The ride was mostly quiet, but it wasn't awkward.
We'd both cried enough for one day, and somehow the silence between us felt comforting.
Every once in a while she'd reach over and squeeze my hand, reminding me without saying a word that I wasn’t alone.
When we pulled up outside my dorm, I leaned over the center console and wrapped my arms around her one last time.
“You know you're always welcome at my house,” she said softly as she rubbed my back. “I don't care if it’s two in the afternoon or two in the morning. If you need me, you call.”
“I know.” I smiled, though it came out much weaker than I intended. “I love you, Nonie.”
“I love you too, Lynie.”
I climbed out of the car and stood on the sidewalk for a moment, watching until her car disappeared around the corner.
Part of me wanted to call her back and tell her I’d changed my mind.
That I’d pack up my dorm room tonight and move into her guest bedroom where everything smelled like lavender and fresh tea instead of stale carpet and cheap air freshener.
For a little while today, I’d forgotten what it felt like to constantly look over my shoulder.
The second I walk back into my dorm room, that feeling disappears. I lock the door behind me before setting my purse down beside my bed. The room feels exactly the way I left it this morning, but somehow it seemed different after spending the afternoon at Nonie’s.
I wandered over to the window and pulled the curtain back just enough to look outside.
Night had settled over campus while I’d been gone.
The sidewalks that had been crowded with students earlier were nearly empty now, leaving only a few people scattered here and there as they hurried back to their dorms. The courtyard sat beneath the glow of the streetlights, quiet enough that it almost looked peaceful.
I wish I knew what that felt like.
Even after spending hours with Nonie, after crying until my head hurt and getting answers I’d spent years searching for, that familiar feeling had already returned. It settled beneath my skin like it always did, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
Maybe it’s paranoia or trauma. Or maybe my instincts have spent so many years keeping me alive that they refused to shut off now.
Whatever it is, I hate it. I just want to be normal.
I want to worry about exams instead of stalkers, spend my weekends at parties with Kaitlin without wondering if I’ll make it home safely.
I want to fall for the cute guy that makes my heart race every time he smiles at me without constantly thinking about whether being around me was going to get him hurt.
Why can’t my life just be that simple?
A flicker catches my attention. One of the streetlights in the courtyard blinks every few seconds, casting strange shadows across the sidewalk before lighting everything back up again.
I find myself staring at it longer than I probably should, waiting for something to step out from the darkness between each flicker.
My phone chimes from somewhere behind me. I jump so hard, a squeak escapes my mouth before I can stop it.
“Oh my god,” I mutter, pressing a hand against my chest as my pulse races. “Get it together, Maddie.”
Turning toward my bed where my phone lays glowing against the comforter, I can’t help shaking my head at myself. I’m officially becoming the girl everyone screams at during horror movies. The one who says “it’s probably nothing,” right before she gets herself killed.
I grab my phone and unlock it, immediately smiling when I see Miles’ name.
Miles: It’s getting late. I’m on my way to pick you up. I don’t want you walking in the dark.
Of course he was.
I hold my phone against my chest for a second and close my eyes.
God, I miss him. I miss him far more than I should after only a few hours apart.
After everything that's happened today, all I want is to forget about my father, forget about the text messages, and forget about the fear that follows me everywhere I go and just be with Miles.
I want one normal night where we order takeout, watch another terrible horror movie, and argue over which slasher villain would win in a fight.
I want to know what it feels like to exist without constantly waiting for the next terrible thing to happen.
My eyes drift back toward the window, and for a second, I almost let myself believe that maybe tonight will be different and I can have one normal night. Maybe I can stop expecting the worst thing imaginable to happen every time I let my guard down.
Then something moves in the courtyard. At first, I think it’s just a trick of the light.
The streetlight flickers again, casting the courtyard in darkness for a split second before illuminating everything beneath it.
My eyes scan the empty walkway, trying to find whatever caught my attention, but there’s nothing there.
I let out a shaky breath, almost laughing at myself.
See? This is exactly what I mean. I’m so used to waiting for something terrible that my brain is creating monsters where there aren’t any. I’m about to turn away when the light flickers again. And this time…I see him.
My entire body goes still. There’s a man standing in the middle of the courtyard. Not walking or passing through. Just standing there, like he’s been there the entire time.
My breath catches somewhere deep in my chest, and suddenly the room feels like it’s shrinking around me.
The air becomes too heavy and thick, and I can’t seem to pull in enough of it.
He’s dressed completely in black, a hood pulled low over his head, hiding his face from view.
I can’t make out his features from this distance, but I don’t need to.
Because there’s something about the way he stands there that feels familiar.
The way he’s completely still. The way his attention seems fixed on one place. My window.
A cold wave rushes through me. My mind immediately tries to reject the thought, because it’s impossible.
It has to be. But my body doesn’t care about logic when it has memory.
The countless nights spent trapped inside that house, the sound of his footsteps, the feeling of knowing something bad was coming before it ever happened.
And right now, every instinct I have is screaming the same thing.
It’s him.
My heart starts pounding so hard, it feels like it's trying to break out of my chest. My hands go numb, and suddenly I’m not standing in my dorm room anymore. I’m fifteen years old again, and I’m trapped. I’m afraid, and someone is watching me.
My phone slips from my hand before I even realize I’ve let go of it. It hits the floor, the sharp crack of the screen breaking through the silence, but I barely hear it.
Miles.
The thought cuts through the panic. Miles is coming here. He’s driving straight toward whoever is standing outside my window.
What if he sees him? What if he gets hurt because of me?
The fear is enough to snap me out of the memory, and I drop to my knees beside the bed, desperately reaching underneath it for my phone.
“Come on,” I whisper, my voice shaking. “Please…”
My fingers search blindly across the floor until they finally brush against the edge of my phone.
I grab it and pull it free, barely noticing the new crack stretching across the screen.
I hit Miles’ contact and press call. The phone rings, I look back toward the window, but he’s gone. The courtyard is empty.
The call connects, and Miles answers almost immediately.
“Hey, I’m already on my way, so you can’t tell me no.” He argues, but I don’t answer. I’m frozen at the window, desperately looking for any sort of movement. Any sign that I didn’t imagine the entire thing.
“Mads, you there?” His voice changes when I don’t respond, the playful tone gone. “Maddie!”
I swallow hard, forcing myself to speak. “I-I’m here.”
My voice cracks, and I hate that he can hear exactly how scared I am.
“I’m sorry. I just…I thought I saw something.”
There’s a brief pause. “What did you see?”