Chapter 46 Maya #2
“I smiled and nodded and changed the subject. And then I went home and it sat there. For months. This little splinter buried deep under my skin. This low hum of wrongness that I kept pushing down to avoid examining it too closely.” I swallowed.
“And then he proposed. And the second he got down on one knee, every single thing I’d been ignoring clicked into place.
He was the centerpiece of what I’d built by running away from everything that scared me.
This lovely, kind, perfectly safe man who had only ever known the version of me I had given him. ”
My voice dropped. “So I said no. And I ended it. And he was sad, and I was sad, and the worst part was that I couldn’t even explain it to him properly. How do you tell someone that you’re leaving because you finally realized you were never really there?”
The silence in the car was thick and full.
Nate lifted our joined hands and pressed his lips to my knuckles.
He held them there for a long moment, his breath warm against my skin.
When he lowered them he looked at me with those blue eyes and said, “She was always there, Maya. She was just waiting. So, now what? More waiting, or…?”
He let the question hang. The canyon filled the windshield, vast and patient and completely unconcerned with my existential crisis. I stared at Nate my heart fluttering against my ribs. The real me hid under all those safe choices, and he sat right here waiting for her to step into the light.
Fuck.
I reached for the door handle and stepped out of the car.
The Icelandic air hit me instantly, biting through my jacket and tossing my hair into my eyes.
Nate came around the hood and fell into step beside me.
We crunched over the gravel path leading up the incline, and every step felt heavier than the last. My boots dragged.
My pulse hammered a frantic rhythm against my throat.
It only took three minutes to hike up to the launch site, but with the way my legs were functioning, it felt like three years.
The reality of what I’d signed up for loomed right in front of me. My stomach clenched. My legs went to jelly. My breathing turned shallow and fast and every cell in my body screamed at me to get back in the car.
The guides greeted us, gave us the safety briefing and then strapped us in. So calm and cheerful, like they were seating us at a restaurant.
We stepped to the precipice.
My eyes burned and my chin wobbled. I was about two seconds from falling apart on this platform, in front of the guides and the canyon and the whole stupid country of Iceland.
“I don’t think I can do this.” My voice wobbled.
Nate stepped closer. His hands landed on my shoulders, solid and warm through my jacket, and he ducked his head to meet my eyes. “Look at me. Breathe in.”
I tried. The air stuttered in my chest.
“Slower. In through your nose. There you go. And out.”
I breathed. In and out. Again. The roaring in my ears dialed back a fraction.
“Good. Now tell me, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”
“We plunge to our deaths.”
His mouth twitched. “Besides that.”
“There is no besides that. That’s the whole list, Nate. Death. Death is the list.”
He chuckled, reaching out to brush away the tear that had escaped down my cheek. It actually managed to untangle the giant knot of panic sitting right behind my ribs. Well, a little bit, at least.
“You’re not going to die. You’re going to fly.”
I dragged in one more breath, definitely steadier this time.
Okay. Okay, I could do this. The massive expanse of the gorge yawned in front of me, wild and terrifying.
I stared down at my own hands. My fingers were twitching with the overwhelming urge to latch onto Nate’s jacket and never let go.
I realized then that if he stood next to me while I got ready to jump, I’d chicken out.
I’d use him as an anchor. I needed to do this alone.
I forced myself to step back from his warmth. “You go first.”
His brow creased. “Huh?”
“If you’re standing next to me, I’m going to grab your hand, and I need to do this on my own.” I gulped. “So, go. I’m right behind you.”
He searched my eyes for a long moment. Whatever he found there must have been enough, because he nodded once. He took my face in both hands and kissed me. Hard and quick and full of something that felt a lot like pride.
“See you on the other side, Slayer.”
Then he turned, walked to the drop off, and stepped off the platform as easily as if he was stepping off a curb.
The cable sang. His body arced out over the canyon, steady and straight, shrinking against the gray sky until he was just a shape on the other side.
I stood alone on the platform.
My hands were shaking. My heart hammered so hard I felt it in my teeth. There was a very good chance I was going to throw up.
I closed my eyes. Drew in one long, shaking inhale.
And I jumped.
The platform disappeared beneath my feet and my stomach lurched into my throat and for one terrible, glorious second there was nothing. Just air and gravity and the canyon swallowing me whole.
Then the cable caught and I was moving.
Fast. So fast that the wind ripped the scream from my mouth the exact second it bubbled up my throat. I gripped the harness so tight my knuckles ached. My eyes streamed. The sound of the cable above me was a high, bright whine that cut through the roar.
I was flying. I was actually flying.
The canyon blurred beneath me. Rock and river and vivid green moss streaked past in a wild rush of color.
The cold air stung my cheeks, clearing away the last lingering shadows of the girl who always played it safe.
There was no safety here. There was only speed and gravity and the wild, thrumming realization that I was vibrantly alive.
The other side rushed toward me. The platform grew from a speck to a shape to a real, solid thing. And there was Nate. Standing at the edge, waiting for me. My eyes locked onto his and didn’t let go. My feet hit the metal and my legs buckled.
Nate caught me. His arms locked around my waist, holding me upright, holding me together. His voice was right there against my ear, rough and fierce.
“You did it. You fucking did it.”
I burst into tears.
Full, heaving, completely stupid tears that came out of nowhere and hit me so hard my shoulders shook. I grabbed fistfuls of his jacket and buried my face in his neck and just let it come. This ugly, graceless, uncontrollable mess of sound and shaking that I couldn’t stop.
“Why the fuck am I crying?” I choked out against his collar when I could finally talk again.
“Cheating death’ll do that to a person.”
A laugh burst out of me, high and hysterical and slightly unhinged, tipping dangerously close to more crying.
I pulled back just enough to wipe my cheeks with both hands. “Do I look like a trash goblin? I bet I look like a trash goblin.”
His gaze traced my features, taking in the mascara tracks and the blotchy cheeks and the wind-wrecked hair. The glow in his eyes made my pulse stutter.
“You look like the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
My whole body went still. My heart, my lungs, every thought in my head, all of it just stopped. Because Nate O’Hare did not say things like that. He rationed words like they were currency and he had just spent every cent he had.
I pushed my fingers into his hair and pulled him down to me, crashing my mouth against his.
Hard. Fierce. With everything I had. His arms crushed me against him, lifting me right off my feet.
He kissed me back with desperate heat. The freezing air roared around us and the canyon gaped at our backs.
But all I could feel was his lips against mine and the solid wall of him.
I kissed him like I was sealing a promise I didn’t have words for.
He held me like he understood it anyway.
When we finally broke apart, we were both breathing hard. His forehead rested against mine. “Slayer.”
And for the first time ever, I felt like the name fit.