Chapter 14 Angeni Luna #2
Angeni and Erik turned toward each other and couldn’t help but laugh nervously.
“What do you think, babe? Is it magic?” Erik said to Angeni, giving her thigh a squeeze. This was their schtick, and they knew it well.
“It sure seems magical to us,” Adriene said. “In a nutshell, what are your secrets to staying so connected? It must be harder now that you have a baby.”
Angeni wasn’t sure how to answer, and was grateful when Erik jumped in: “I think it helps that we truly respect each other. I want the best for her, and she wants the best for me. It starts there. We understand there are ups and downs with intimacy, and we do our best to talk through those, with this baseline understanding that we are each other’s person. ”
“That’s truly so sweet,” Michael said.
“If you don’t mind, we have a couple people on standby who are big fans of yours and want to ask some questions,” Adriene said.
They had not mentioned this to Angeni ahead of time. Generally, she liked to know the topics that would be discussed. She didn’t like surprise appearances, unexpected questions. But they were live on air, and she couldn’t exactly show her disapproval now.
“Sure,” Erik said, “let’s hear ’em.”
She would let Erik take the lead here. He had to know she was uncomfortable with this.
“Okay, first we have Sue. Sue, go ahead with your question!” Michael said.
“Yes, hello,” a woman’s voice said. It sounded odd, muffled. “My question is . . . will this book of yours include any information about your shocking past?”
Erik tightened his grip on Angeni’s thigh. She felt her heart pounding in her chest. Before she or Erik could say anything, Adriene’s face fell, and she said, “Oh my god.”
“Angeni, we’re so sorry. That is not the question she said she was going to ask,” Michael said.
The hosts were clearly flustered.
Angeni’s mind raced. Who knew about her shocking past? Aurora knew, but . . . Angeni looked around the room. Where was Aurora?
“Sadly, we’re used to the crazies,” Erik said, sounding unfazed by the whole thing.
To him, it was just another troll. For all he knew, her past wasn’t that shocking.
She’d always pledged allegiance to radical honesty and transparency in relationships, but she hadn’t applied those principles to her own marriage.
“Let’s shift to another question. This one came as a write-in, and we thought it was interesting,” Adriene said. “How do you balance your own pursuits with being such an involved mother?”
“Oh, that is a good question,” Michael said.
Erik could not answer this one for Angeni. This question was for her. She cleared her throat, tried to regain her composure.
“Freya is always my number one priority,” she said. “Whatever else I do is secondary to her.”
“You’d be amazed at her juggling skills,” Erik said.
Aurora came back into the living room then.
Where had she been? Was she the person who had called in?
Was that logistically possible? It hadn’t sounded like Aurora.
Angeni tracked her across the room, willing Aurora to look at her.
When she did, she gave Angeni a thumbs-up.
There was no betrayal on her face that Angeni could see.
Was it possible someone, a stranger, was just taking a guess at her “shocking past,” trying to rattle her?
“You totally don’t have to put her on camera,” Adriene said, “but is little Freya nearby?”
Angeni took her eyes off Aurora.
“Sorry?”
“Is little Freya nearby?” Adriene repeated.
Freya.
Where was Freya? Angeni didn’t even know.
She felt the color leave her face as she remembered how she’d told Sitka to watch her while she got ready for the podcast. Sitka had likely taken her outside for a walk.
But Angeni didn’t know for sure. She’d been completely unaware of her child’s whereabouts for at least an hour.
“We are fortunate to live in community on our land, and Freya is with our community right now,” Erik said.
Angeni felt like someone had set a match to her skin and the flames were traveling to consume her body. It was just like when they’d all brought her that damn cake. Aurora, standing behind the screen, mouthed Are you okay?
“I’m sorry, can we pause? I need to get some water,” Angeni said.
“Sure, of course,” Adriene said.
But when Angeni stood from the couch, the world tilted on its axis, and she felt her body collapse as Erik said, “Oh shit.”
When she came to, she wasn’t sure if a few minutes or a few hours had passed. Erik, Matt, Jer, and Aurora were hovering over her, a circle of faces with identical looks of concern. In the background, the screen was dark. Adriene and Michael were gone.
“Babe?” Erik said.
“Oh my god, she’s okay,” Aurora said.
“What happened?” Angeni asked them.
“I’ll get some water,” Jer said. His face disappeared from the circle of faces.
“You passed out,” Aurora said.
Angeni pressed herself up to her elbows.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Erik said. “Take it slow.”
“Is your arm okay? You kind of hit it on the table when you went down,” Matt said.
“I’m okay,” she said, though everything was numb. She wasn’t aware of any feeling in her arm at all. It was the shock, of course. Later, she would feel a throbbing near her elbow. There would be a bruise.
As Erik helped her up onto the couch, Angeni saw Sitka come in from outside, baby Freya in her arms. As she took in the scene, with everyone tending to Angeni, the pleasant smile on her face vanished, and her brows knitted together.
“What happened?” Sitka asked.
“Can I hold Freya?” Angeni asked her, stretching her arms out in front of her, clenching and unclenching her fists, just as Freya did when she wanted something.
Sitka sat next to her on the couch, transferred the baby into Angeni’s arms. Angeni pulled Freya against her chest, kissed her head and cheeks.
There was this mysterious force between mother and baby, this ability to coregulate, to bring each other’s nervous systems into alignment.
She felt her body absorb Freya’s simple joy and cried tears of relief.
“Oh, my baby,” she said.
“She passed out during the podcast episode,” Aurora whispered to Sitka.
Jer sat on the other side of Angeni, offered her a glass of water and sliced apple on a plate.
“Maybe you need some sugar in your system,” he said.
“She had breakfast not that long ago,” Aurora said.
“Can I just have some space, actually? Just me and Freya?” Angeni asked.
When she looked up at the group of them, they were a giant blur, her vision obscured by the tears in her eyes.
“Of course, babe,” Erik said. Then, to the rest of them: “Come on, guys.”
Most of them went outside. Sitka vanished down the hallway toward her room. She wasn’t one to hang with the group.
Angeni stayed on the couch with Freya. She took off her blouse and let Freya latch on to her breast. Angeni felt peace come over her. This was the power of breastfeeding—it calmed both parties. Mother and daughter, a symbiotic ecosystem.
While Freya fed, Angeni ate a few slices of apple, downed a glass of water, and tapped out an email with an effusive apology to Adriene and Michael: I’ve been feeling a little under the weather, I’m so sorry.
When she stood from the couch, she felt a bit weak, but mostly fine. She’d had a visceral reaction to Adriene and Michael’s question about Freya’s whereabouts. Her mama heart had panicked. That was all this was—a needed reminder of her priorities, a wake-up call of sorts.
“Mama loves you,” she said to Freya, who responded with a gummy smile.
As she headed outside to find the group and explain her interpretation of what had happened, Erik was coming down the path back to the house.
“Hey,” he said. “You feeling better?”
He put one hand on each of her shoulders, looked her in the eyes.
“Yeah. That was so weird.”
“I’m just glad you’re okay. I’m going to get some snacks for everyone. You want anything in particular?”
She shook her head. He kissed Freya’s cheek, then the tip of Angeni’s nose, and jogged past her toward the house.
The rest of the group was hanging out by the firepit, sitting in a semicircle around it, facing away from her. Erik, Matt, and Jer had recently completed an item on Angeni’s wish list by turning fallen tree trunks into ten stool seats to surround the firepit.
As she approached, she heard them talking, her own name mentioned. She stopped, stood behind the trunk of a pine. It was wrong to eavesdrop, but she couldn’t help herself.
“Something is clearly going on with her,” Aurora said.
Angeni still couldn’t get it out of her head that Aurora was the one who’d called in on the podcast. Who else knew about Angeni’s history?
Angeni had made that stupid casual-sex comment to Sitka in a foolish attempt to bond with the girl, but it couldn’t have been Sitka who’d called in. Sitka had been with Freya outside.
“It’s probably the stress of the book,” Matt said.
“I’m picking up on some tension with Erik too,” Aurora said.
How many times had Angeni talked about not gossiping within their community?
Why was Aurora doing this? It was not that she was wrong to pick up on some marital tension, but it wasn’t her place to talk about it like this.
Maybe Aurora did have some ill will toward Angeni.
But why? Was she still upset about Sitka’s arrival, her growing presence in Angeni’s life?
“Erik will be back in a few,” Jer said. “I don’t want him to know we’re talking about this.”
“Yeah, I’m not trying to be gossipy,” Aurora said. “Just a little worried.”
“On another note, Ror, I saw that painting you’re working on at your house. It’s freaking amazing,” Matt said.
“You think? I’m in an abstract phase.”
“It’s a good phase,” Matt said.
“How are things going with Annika?” Aurora asked him.
“Good. I’m helping her at the farmers market this weekend. Selling her candles.”
“The soy ones. Right. That one you brought me has lasted so long.”
Now that they had moved past talking about her, Angeni emerged from behind the tree.
“Hey, guys!” she called, putting on a pleasant smile.
“You’re up!” Aurora said.
They all stood, as if welcoming a queen. The joy on their faces seemed genuine. She tried to shake off her doubts and fears. These were her people . . . weren’t they?
“How are you feeling?” Aurora asked.
Angeni sat on one of the wood seats, set Freya on the ground.
“I’m fine, really,” Angeni said. “More embarrassed than anything.”
“Oh, don’t be embarrassed,” Aurora said.
Angeni studied her. Aurora seemed like her usual self, loving and attentive and kind. She wasn’t capable of betrayal, was she?
“It was hot in there with all the electronics running,” Jer said.
It was kind of them to make excuses for her.
“Guys, really, I’m fine. Just a fluke thing,” Angeni said.
Erik approached with a tray of food, a makeshift charcuterie board by the looks of it, complete with slices of meat, crackers, cheese, fruit, and nuts.
They all oohed and aahed at the effort he’d put into their snacks and started reaching for various things. Angeni felt the weirdness in the air dissipate and the usual tranquil energy return.
Erik sat next to Angeni, leaned over to kiss her cheek. She and Erik would be fine. They were solid. Weren’t they? She did her best to quiet the questions, to calm her nervous system.
“You okay, babe?” Erik whispered in her ear.
Yet another question she wasn’t sure how to answer.
“Yeah,” she said. “I’m fine.”