Chapter 25 Gwen
Gwen
It had been nearly two weeks since Gwen had attempted to resume breastfeeding June, and it was not going well.
Whatever amount of milk Gwen’s boobs were producing, it wasn’t enough.
June would fuss on the nipple, pulling it into her mouth, then spitting it out moments later.
Before she began to cry in agonized frustration, there was this moment when she would stare up at Gwen, and the look in her eyes was heartbreaking.
It was a look of utter bewilderment, like What the fuck are you giving to me?
Gwen and June continued to make the trip to Leigh’s condo every day during the week, and every day Leigh took the time to assure Gwen that this was just a transition period.
“Your body is still recalibrating, figuring out how much milk to make,” Leigh said.
Gwen tried to believe her. Gwen still thought about that surprising kiss on the cheek.
It hadn’t happened since, but she kept finding herself staring at Leigh’s lips and thinking about kissing them.
It was almost like the intensity of their bond demanded some kind of physical expression.
Usually, Gwen attempted to feed June before bringing her over to Leigh’s.
She didn’t want Leigh to witness the embarrassment of their failed feeding relationship.
But on this day, Leigh told her to wait to feed June until she got there.
“Maybe I can help,” Leigh told her, and Gwen felt the irresistible pull of hope.
Gwen had brought pizza from Pagliacci’s, Leigh’s favorite.
Leigh sat on the couch and used her foot to kick open the lid of the pizza box, then leaned forward to lift out a slice.
She took a bite as Gwen sat next to her.
Gwen half-heartedly pulled her shirt up and over the shelf of her boobs, then unsnapped her bra.
Was she imagining it, or were they already deflating, sad little sacks of flesh in comparison to Leigh’s round, full bosom?
Gwen gently guided June’s head toward her right boob and felt the tingly letdown of milk as her ever-wise body anticipated June’s mouth. Her poor body; it didn’t know her baby wanted nothing to do with her.
June kept trying to crane her head back toward Leigh, as if looking for someone, anyone, to save her from this disappointing situation.
“Your mama loves you, Juney,” Leigh said. “Have some of her delicious milk.”
Gwen pressed slightly harder on the back of June’s head, shoving it into her boob until June’s mouth opened with a depressing amount of reluctance and she latched on to the nipple.
“There you go, Juney,” Leigh said.
June’s eyes remained wide open as she sucked, alert and focused.
When she took formula from the bottle, she always closed her eyes, as if the whole experience was peaceful and required minimal effort.
After a minute or two, she pulled off Gwen’s nipple suddenly, her head whipping back and then flinging forward into Gwen’s chest.
“She’s headbutting me. That’s how pissed she is,” Gwen said.
“She can sense your tension,” Leigh said. “Try to breathe.”
Leigh demonstrated deep breathing, inhaling and exhaling like the Zen mother Gwen would never be.
Gwen coaxed June back onto the breast, despite her squeals of resistance. June sucked again, those eyes wide open, and then again pulled off abruptly. She wailed, opening her mouth so wide that Gwen could see the entire track of her toothless gums on top and bottom.
“Oh my,” Leigh said.
Oh my, indeed.
Gwen felt a wave of heat roll through her.
She suddenly understood those mothers who lost it and shook their babies.
She should have consoled June, whispered to her that it was okay that she didn’t want her mother’s breasts, but Gwen was not that evolved.
She felt rejected, and the only way she knew to respond to this rejection was by holding the baby out to Leigh and saying, “You take her.”
Leigh accepted June into her arms but held her at a distance from her body, as if she wasn’t sure how to proceed.
“I think you just need to be patient with the process,” Leigh said.
She had been saying this for two weeks now. Gwen snapped her bra closed, pulled down her shirt, and stood from the couch.
“I can’t,” she said. “How about I take Belle for a walk around the block in the stroller while you give June a bottle?”
Gwen rummaged around in her diaper bag and retrieved the bottle of formula, prepped and ready in anticipation of this event. Once June saw the bottle, she fussed in Leigh’s arms.
“Okay, yeah, I’m sure Belle would love that, thank you,” Leigh said.
Gwen lifted Belle from the floor, silently begging her not to cry. She couldn’t handle another infant rejection. Belle was an easygoing baby, though, probably due to her mother’s lack of tension, and she seemed happy enough to be in Gwen’s arms, then in the stroller.
“We’ll be back,” Gwen said.
It was good to get outside, good to be in the presence of a baby who was delighted instead of agitated. At the end of the block, Gwen stopped to text Leigh.
Sorry. Clearly, I’m not handling this well. We won’t be a bother much longer. I have to go back to work on Monday. I really do appreciate everything
Just the night before, Gwen and Jeff had gotten into an argument—“a heated discussion” was Jeff’s phrasing—when she’d dared to tell him the secret she’d been keeping from him.
“I don’t want to go back to work,” she confessed.
She felt immediately lighter with this out in the open instead of festering inside her. The relief, though, was short lived.
“What do you mean? You love work, babe,” Jeff said. He was smiling as he said it; he clearly did not understand her despair.
“I just . . . I can’t,” she said, her eyes filling with tears.
He came to her, put his arms around her in his best attempt to be comforting, but he couldn’t manage words that were of any comfort.
“We talked about this, though, before we even got pregnant. We talked about it when we bought this house.”
Yes, yes, they had. That was true. He seemed incapable of believing that a woman, upon having a baby, could become a different person.
“I know.” She couldn’t bring herself to say more. Her throat constricted, and the words piled up, unable to get through.
“We have a house in one of the nicest neighborhoods in Seattle,” he said. Then, as if she still didn’t get it: “This isn’t a one-income neighborhood.”
“I know.” The same refrain.
He sighed. “I’m sure every new mom feels this way. Then you’ll go back to work and remember what you love about it.”
Did she once love work? She couldn’t even remember. She didn’t feel like a person capable of loving much of anything anymore.
“We could move.” These three words managed to escape.
He started smiling again, this strange expression incongruent with her turmoil.
“Gwen, we are not moving,” he said, adding a little laugh for good measure. “There’s no way we could sell the house for more than we bought it for. Besides, you love it here.”
Did she love it here? She didn’t know, but she nodded anyway.
“Besides, we already paid the deposit at the day care,” he added, a twist of the knife.
They had put the deposit on the day care place months before June was born—$2,000 to hold their spot.
At the time, Gwen had been thankful to have a spot.
She was undeterred by paying more than the monthly rent on their first apartment for the care of their child.
She was that committed to returning to work.
Jeff put his hand on the always-tense muscles between her neck and her shoulder, gave them a squeeze. She forced a smile. She wasn’t going to get anywhere with him. She’d given him her truth, and he wanted her to take it back to where it had come from.
Leigh texted back:
Oh honey, it’s okay, truly. You’re being too hard on yourself. I’m sure the work thing is weighing on you. Monday? I didn’t realize it was so soon. Let’s chat when you’re back
By the time Gwen returned, Leigh was done feeding June and had her sitting on Belle’s play mat.
Belle had fallen asleep in the stroller and was still sleeping as Gwen lifted her out and handed her over to Leigh.
Gwen took a deep breath, readying herself for whatever heart-to-heart conversation Leigh wanted to have.
Leigh wasn’t the type to just let things go.
“Have you seen this?” Leigh asked, holding her phone out to Gwen.
Gwen sat on the floor next to June, who seemed content as ever, and looked at Leigh’s phone.
It was a Reddit thread titled “Where in the world is Angeni Luna?” Gwen had yet to notice, but apparently Angeni Luna hadn’t posted anything in twenty-four hours, and this was highly unusual.
Savvy followers said that Erik also had not posted anything.
The rumors were all over the place—their marriage had imploded, Angeni Luna had died, something had happened to baby Freya.
Gwen handed the phone back to Leigh and set June in her lap.
“Don’t tell me you’re not curious,” Leigh said.
Gwen shrugged. “It’s, like, a day. Maybe she just needed a break.”
“No. When these influencers take a break, they make a big to-do about it, like Oh, I need to take space to protect my mental health.”
Gwen laughed.
“So you think she’s dead?”
Leigh’s eyes were big with interest. “I don’t know. Maybe. Or maybe she had a mental breakdown like the rest of us.”
“Now that I would like to see.”
“Right?”
“I’m sure some crazy person will go over to Bainbridge Island to investigate and report back on Reddit.”
“Oh my god, we should be that crazy person.”
Gwen couldn’t tell if she was joking.
“I’m joking!” Leigh said. “You really think I’m insane, don’t you?”
“I mean, yes, sometimes.”
Leigh threw her head back, cackling. “You and Nathan both.”
Gwen debated whether or not to tell Leigh more about her own recent insanity. She decided to do it because Leigh was likely to wave it off as no big deal.