Chapter 27 Sasha
Sasha
Sasha didn’t know how long she was supposed to stand there at the stove, stirring the butternut squash soup while pretending she didn’t hear the frustrated grunts and sighs from Angeni, who was continuing to try—and fail—to get Freya to breastfeed.
Did Angeni really think they hadn’t taken it upon themselves to feed the baby something besides bites of chicken liver?
Was she that delusional? Sasha had thought that Erik or Aurora would cave and tell Angeni about the formula, but everyone had remained tight lipped so far, allowing Angeni to live in her delusion.
Sasha couldn’t stop thinking about the home birth lie.
Would Daphne still be alive if Angeni had just been honest about her delivery?
Sasha could envision the Instagram post detailing the harrowing labor, the dramatic transfer to the hospital.
She could imagine Angeni encouraging her followers to listen to their bodies while also listening to medical guidance.
This was a fantasy version of Angeni. An honest, humble Angeni.
Sasha knew her sister had read every single one of the posts on the @mother.nurture.official page.
Would she have thought twice about her birth plan if she’d read about the difficulties Angeni had had?
It wasn’t crazy to think that, yes, Daphne would still be alive if Angeni had used her platform for authentic connection instead of a false projection of an ideal.
Then again, she could also hear Daphne scoff and say You’re giving this woman too much power, Sash.
Give ME some credit. I made a bad choice, but it was MY choice.
And that was true. Maybe Angeni wasn’t Daphne’s demise, just her inspiration.
As she tortured herself thinking about what could have been, she also tortured herself with flashbacks to kissing Erik.
He hadn’t said a word to Sasha about the kiss, so it was easy to pretend it hadn’t happened.
It had, though. And Aurora had seen it. She also hadn’t said anything to Sasha, though Sasha was sure Aurora was having words with Erik privately.
Sasha regretted it, felt ashamed of herself for giving in to base temptation.
She should have pushed him away, asserted herself as the morally superior one of the two of them.
She could imagine Daphne crossing her arms over her chest and shaking her head at her sister: You are better than this, Sash.
Sasha thought it was safe to assume they wouldn’t tell Angeni about the kiss. They wouldn’t want to upset her, especially given current circumstances. That commitment to truth they claimed—it was just another lie.
It had become exceedingly clear—Sasha had to get out of this place.
She no longer felt purposeful. All this evidence she’d obtained of the real Angeni Luna didn’t feel satisfying; it felt sad.
Sasha wasn’t even sure she wanted to expose Angeni anymore.
She could. She had the power to do so much damage.
But would Daphne want that? She felt in her heart that Daphne would have already forgiven Angeni Luna.
Daphne had always been the kinder sister.
You’re such a hard-ass, Sash. She’d said that on more than a few occasions.
Sasha thought about what Erik had told her about Angeni’s upbringing, about how she’d seen her mother kill herself.
Daphne, ever the empath, would have focused on this, would have excused Angeni for so much because of this.
At the very least, she needed space to consider what to do next.
She had to leave. She wasn’t sure if she should tell Angeni about Daphne before going.
Would it make one iota of difference to Daphne, wherever she was?
Probably not, and she was quite certain it wouldn’t take the grief away.
It had been silly of her to think it would.
“I just do not understand why she’s not hungry,” Angeni said, loud enough for Sasha to hear from her post in the kitchen. There was nobody else in the living area, but Sasha wasn’t sure if Angeni was inviting conversation.
“Can I get you some soup?” she asked.
“Sure, yes,” Angeni said. “Maybe that’s it. Maybe Freya can smell the stress hormones on me. I bet that makes the milk taste funny. Or maybe she senses that I’m in a weakened state and has the intuition to let me conserve my energy.”
Angeni’s belief in her baby’s wisdom was baffling, but Sasha just said, “Maybe.”
She ladled some of the soup into a bowl for Angeni and brought it to her, setting it on the coffee table in front of the couch.
“Smells delicious,” Sasha said.
Freya smiled at Sasha, that big toothless grin that enticed Sasha to smile in return, no matter what her own mental state was. Freya reached out toward Sasha, and Sasha pretended not to notice.
“Mama’s here,” Angeni said, using her hand to gently turn Freya’s head, coax her to look at Angeni. She rocked Freya in her arms, both boobs now out and free, bouncing about.
Angeni tried to transport a spoonful of soup from the bowl to her mouth but spilled mid-transport, the glob of orange landing in her lap, just missing Freya’s head.
“Oh jeez, first Mama left you for a night, and now she’s dropping hot soup on you,” Angeni said with a little laugh.
“Do you want me to hold her while you eat?” Sasha asked.
Angeni considered the offer longer than she usually would. She tightened her grip on Freya, then released slightly as she said, “Okay, just for a few minutes.”
Sasha took Freya and seated her in her own lap, facing her.
“Can you actually turn her around so she’s looking at me?” Angeni asked.
“Oh, okay,” Sasha said, turning Freya around so she was facing Angeni as she took a spoonful of soup.
“It’s so yum,” Angeni said to Freya in her overly saccharine voice.
Sasha’s phone vibrated in her pocket. An incoming text. A few seconds later, another vibration.
“I can take her now,” Angeni said after she’d finished about half the bowl.
Sasha handed her the baby and got up from the couch as she pulled her phone out of her pocket.
It was Jay.
Yo.
Did my little note make it there?
Sasha didn’t realize she’d audibly gasped until Angeni said, “Everything okay?”
“Um, yeah,” Sasha muttered.
She collapsed onto the kitchen island, needing the sturdiness of it to hold up her body as it sagged in disbelief.
Dude. That was you?!
He sent a GIF of a man taking a dramatic bow.
Sasha: Jay. Dude. She, like, passed out when she read it. She went to the hospital and shit
Jay: oh shit. for real? serves her right i guess lol
Jay was still harboring the anger that Sasha had transmitted to him like a virus. She had to get back to him, help him see the pointlessness of it. Sasha looked over at Angeni, still trying to shove her tits in the poor baby’s mouth. She couldn’t help but feel bad for her.
Freya started to cry, probably annoyed with the tits in her face, and Sasha put down her phone and went to the couch.
“Can I help with anything?” Sasha asked.
Angeni didn’t even acknowledge her presence, though. Her tired, red-rimmed eyes were glued to Freya. Sasha could see the muscles of her jaw clenching.
The more Angeni tried to feed Freya, the more Freya cried—and cried, and cried.
“Everything okay?”
Sasha and Angeni turned to see that Aurora had come into the room.
Aurora smiled at Angeni but didn’t meet Sasha’s eyes.
Aurora hated her for kissing Erik. She could feel the hostility.
Sasha wanted to explain how it was nothing, how Erik was just exhausted, looking for comfort.
Men were all dumb creatures, taking too much solace in sexual connection.
“I just don’t understand why she’s not eating,” Angeni said.
“Can I make you some tea?” Aurora asked.
When Angeni didn’t respond, Aurora said, “I’m going to make you some chamomile,” and went to the kitchen.
“She doesn’t seem sick to you, does she?” Angeni asked.
It took a second for Sasha to realize that Angeni was asking her.
“I don’t think so,” Sasha said, unsure if that was the right answer. “I mean, maybe? I guess that would explain why she wouldn’t be hungry.”
“The stress of me being away would have compromised her immune system,” Angeni said. She was so bereft, Sasha found herself placing a consoling hand on her shoulder.
“She will be okay,” Sasha said. Needing something to do in this awkward moment, she stood from the couch and said, “Let me get your tea.”
When she turned toward the kitchen, she saw Aurora standing at the island, looking down at her phone, her brows knitted together in concern.
It was only when she looked up as Sasha approached that Sasha realized Aurora wasn’t looking at her own phone, but at Sasha’s—with Jay’s text messages on full display.