Chapter 5 #2
Two days later, I was at her bedside again, only this time my feet were propped next to hers on the bed.
I had my laptop perched on her tray table playing The Notebook, but I was watching her more than the movie.
She was supposed to be getting released the next day, which is why I left the whole day free on my calendar with Professor Stahlbaum.
I wanted to make sure Mom was totally settled before I left her.
I wouldn’t be seeing her as much once she was home.
Not because I didn’t want to though. We had an agreement.
I was only allowed to visit on the weekends unless she was in the hospital or I was in town for an appointment or errand.
“Did you eat today?”
“Did you?” I countered.
“I certainly tried. This fine establishment served fish sticks, frozen mixed veggies, the peas and carrots kind, and my favorite, the just-add-water mashed potatoes. And it just kept getting stuck. Almost as if stuff like that was never meant to be consumed.”
I laughed. “I can bring you something from the cafeteria, you know.”
“I’m fine. Nothing I eat goes down well lately. And before you say anything, yes, Dr. Martin knows, and he’s informed Dr Biard. I spoke to him when he did rounds earlier. But anyway, I was asking about you.”
I sighed. “You don’t need to, remember? I checked just for you, and I’ve gained three pounds.”
She lifted her head to look at me. “I don’t see it.”
I rolled my eyes, ignoring the sudden flash of a memory involving Wes. But even though I refused to let the memory play out in my mind, a shudder passed through me.
“I had something on the way here,” I lied. I hadn’t wanted to go to the cafeteria for dinner while she was awake, but I’d spent at least half of the movie watching her fight her exhaustion like a toddler, and wishing she’d doze off long enough for me to sneak down there.
And not just for food, although I hated to admit it even to myself.
Grr. I wanted to see Butte, Montana’s, hottest doctor in person, not just in my head.
Because he was definitely living rent free there now too.
Only I needed fresh material for my nightly fantasies.
They always started with our little meet ups in the cafeteria, they just took a very different turn when I laid in bed, my hand working silently beneath the sheets.
But what kind of a person would I be if I went there while my mother was awake just to get fuel for my evening ritual? There had to be a special place in hell for daughters who did that.
My mother’s arm slid beneath the bedside bar, and she squeezed my knee. “Look at you. Off in La La Land when there’s a delicious-looking shirtless man on the screen. Are you worried about school?”
“No, I’m fine. My mind just wandered.” I yawned glancing at the clock. It was only six o’clock, but it felt so much later.
Her brow rose. “You’re tired. Doing too much. School, extra classes, a job, me. It’s too much for you.”
It was too much for you. Same old, same old. I looked away at the door, so she didn’t see the hurt on my face because it was just too much. It was too much for me.
“You need to spend time with your friends.”
“I’m out with a friend right now,” I said nudging her foot with mine. “Besides, it’s Saturday and I’m caught up on schoolwork.” I replied, lowering my feet and rising to pour water in her cup from the plastic jug on her nightstand.
“And you had a full-time job, a part-time job, got your GED, and did it all while taking care of a baby with zero support from anyone. And you managed just fine, in fact, better than fine, and we share the same DNA.” I smiled, tucking her blanket up to her chin.
“It’s genetically impossible for me to be doing too much when my mother’s superhuman. ”
“I was different. I was full of piss and vinegar and had too much to prove since your grandmother kicked me out. I had to show her, her and her billions weren’t going to be the reason I didn’t have you.”
She didn’t mean to hurt me, but the words sliced through me anyway. I didn’t have what it took to handle even half of what she had.
Shaking her head, she sighed. “Not superhuman at all though, am I? And I’m damn exhausted too, and I’ve been lying in a bed for days.”
The way she motioned to herself in the bed reminded me she was very much a regular human. Did that make me less than a regular human in her eyes then?
I swallowed my hurt and sadness, patting the blanket where her hand was as I sat back into my chair.
“If I’m even half the woman you are…” My words trailed off at her worried expression. “Okay, Mom. I’ll leave the second you fall asleep, okay?” And then I prayed she’d fall asleep fast so I could get to my car and bawl my eyes out in privacy.
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
She nodded, her face solemn. And within five minutes her eyes had drifted closed.
I sat quietly listening as her still raspy breathing changed to the rhythmic pattern of sleep, fighting to hold my tears back.
Tears for the woman who took care of me, and tears for the woman I wasn’t but was trying so hard to be.
“Okay, Mama, I’m going just like I promised.” I leaned forward to kiss her head. Leaving her room, I caught her nurse just as she pushed her med cart out from behind the nurse’s station.
“What time do you think she’ll be out tomorrow?” I asked Jillian.
She grimaced and my gut dropped. “I don’t know if she will be getting out tomorrow, Mira.”
I could see it in her eyes. Something was wrong. “Her blood work showed the infection was essentially gone.”
“We were concerned when she couldn’t keep anything down. Apparently, she’s been having trouble for a while, but wasn’t admitting it until I walked in today and caught her throwing up. The doctor ordered PET scans, an MRI and some more blood work.”
“Is the doctor around now?” Worry ate at me.
She shook her head. “He’s on a consult now. Can I have him talk to you when he comes back to the floor? It shouldn’t be long.”
I nodded. “I was heading home, but I’ll wait.”
“How about I have him call you instead, that way you can still go home.”
“Yeah, that works. I’ll have my cell hooked up to my car’s Bluetooth.”
“Thanks, Mira. I don’t think we say it enough. You take such good care of your mom.”
I swallowed a snort. Giving Jillian a small smile instead, I headed for the elevators. Yeah, such great care that I didn’t notice my mom hadn’t been eating, I thought, worrying my hands
In frustration, I hit the elevator call button for the main floor a little harder than I should.
The doors opened immediately and thankfully it was empty when I stepped in.
This might be the beginning of the end for my mom, but as I watched the numbers of the elevator count down, I hoped I was wrong.
She wasn’t ready. And the reason she wasn’t ready and was willing to suffer? Me.
“I can’t die yet, you need me.” She’d said it a thousand times.
Panic twisted in my belly and stinging started behind my eyes, so as soon as the elevator doors opened, I rushed out. Blinded by my rapidly filling eyes, I slammed into a hard body.
“Easy now.” Two arms reached out, grabbing me and pulling me into a hug. “Where’s the fire?”
“I’m sorry.” I shoved back a little from the strong arms that held me. “No fire. Just not paying attention.”
Wes looked down at me, his eyes warm and soft, and it was like a switch had been flipped. I no longer felt the overwhelming, uncontrollable panic rising in my chest. I felt… safe.
“Dr. Wes,” I whispered, my belly fluttering. “I—”
“Are you okay?” He frowned, worry filling his eyes. “What’s wrong? Is your mom okay?”
“Yeah, yes… I’m okay.” Now that I’m with you. “My mom’s okay, too. I guess. I mean they haven’t told me otherwise, it’s just... a feeling.”
I stepped back from his arms, wrapping my own around my middle. “But never mind, you’re working, and I just need to…” I let my words trail off.
I glanced at the stethoscope wrapped around his neck, and that led me to notice the way his scrub top fit over his muscled chest. The V of it showing me the dusting of chest hair that I’d once threaded my fingers through as I laid my head on his chest.
“Hey,” he said, his voice velvety and soft. He touched the apple of my cheek with his thumb, and I had to fight to keep my tears back. “Tell me about it.”
“Nah, I just gotta get out of here.” I shuffled my feet, so I’d be out of reach and his hand fell to his side.
“Let’s go somewhere private and talk. You can tell me what’s going on.” He shoved his hand in his pocket, and I had the feeling he was doing it to combat the urge to touch me. He was a toucher and at one time, I’d loved that about him.
“I don’t want to bother you—”
He cut me off. “We’re friends, remember? It’s no bother.”
I swallowed hard. “Friends. Right.” I bit my lip as his mouth slid into that crooked smile —the one that used to make me forget my own name.
I shook my head as if the motion could dislodge my filthy musings. “Uh, yeah sure okay then, but I really don’t want to be here.” I looked around the hall. “The walls are sort of closing in on me.”
“No problem, my shift’s over.” He motioned toward the exits. “Wait for me outside? I just need to grab my stuff.”
I looked at the doors and then back at him. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. “Don’t you usually shower and change before you leave?” It was something I’d noticed.
“I do, but I’m actually heading to… I’ll shower later.”
I nodded and pointed at the doors. “Okay. I’ll be out there.” It was obvious he was heading somewhere so I don’t know why I agreed. Yes, I do. He was the one person that brought me comfort these days.