Chapter 15 Not Long Ago #2
“Let’s cut to the chase. You wanted to know what you’d need to do to get me to perform at your benefit. Honestly, there’s nothing you can do, because I don’t intend to go back to public life.”
“And why is that?” Jace said, not looking away.
“Some of the same reasons why I left after New York.”
“You left without telling me what those reasons were,” Jace said, her voice controlled. “Could you tell me now?”
“Anxiety, for one thing. I was having panic attacks regularly, starting with Glastonbury.”
Jace’s eyes widened in surprise. “I never knew you were having panic attacks.”
“Remember when we came back from the UK and I set that rule that you couldn’t talk to me for an hour ahead of a big show?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s because I was afraid I’d have an episode in front of you and you’d get mad at me, so I made sure you weren’t around in case that happened. Good thing, too, because the attacks got longer and harder the more I performed.”
Jace’s hand went to her chest, as if she’d taken a punch to the sternum. “Why did you think I’d get mad at you?”
“You were so wound up those last couple of years, putting so much pressure on me and yourself,” Paloma said evenly.
“You got really short-tempered, complaining about every little thing, getting so frustrated whenever something didn’t go the way you wanted—and yelling at me when you couldn’t yell at the person who pissed you off. ”
“I wasn’t yelling at you. I was venting,” Jace said, looking confused. “I thought you knew that.”
Paloma pushed on. “If I’d told you I wanted to cancel a date or take an extended time off, I was sure you were going to get angry, so I shut my mouth and showed up anyway, thinking I could keep the anxiety under control.”
“I wouldn’t have been angry,” Jace said gently. “I would have found you a doctor to prescribe something or helped you get a therapist.”
“That’s what you’d do now, but it was at a time when we were barely making our expenses on the road.
We didn’t have insurance, and we sure as hell didn’t have enough money for therapists or medication.
Besides, I honestly thought it was stage fright: a problem I needed to solve on my own.
I thought I was just going to have to toughen up, stop whining, and get over myself. ”
Jace’s right eyebrow went up. “That sounds like your parents talking.”
“That sounds like our friends talking,” Paloma corrected.
“Remember when Freida March was diagnosed with depression and had to be hospitalized after opening for me in Chicago? No one would hire her when she got out. Mary used to call her ‘Freida Froot Loops’ and told everyone she faked the whole episode because she wanted a bigger cut of the door receipts.”
“Mary was a great bassist, but shit, was she ever a class-A bitch,” Jace said flatly.
That made Paloma smile. “She sure acted like one anyway.”
“Are you still getting panic attacks?” Jace asked, concern written across her brow.
Paloma shook her head. “Bobbie convinced me that taking care of my mind was no different than taking care of my body. And I finally had the money to pay for insurance, and medication, and a great therapist…one who believes that performing in front of large crowds is a significant trigger for me.”
“Is that still true, even after years of treatment and all this time off the circuit?” Jace asked, folding her hands and leaning in.
Paloma hooted. “Wow, you haven’t changed a bit. When it comes to putting a show together, you won’t take no for an answer.”
“When the stakes are high, no, I don’t.”
“Don’t get me wrong. I’m sorry the Artemis has hit hard times, but venues open and close all the time.”
“Sabine wants to keep the club going, and if you sign on to the benefit, that’ll be possible.”
Paloma stayed firm. “Maybe it’s better for Sabine to move on.”
“Not yet,” Jace said. “She needs to keep the place open.”
“Is that what Sabine believes, or what you believe? Because this situation seems awfully familiar.” When Jace didn’t respond, Paloma realized she was just as slow on the uptake as ever, unable to understand a perspective different from her own, and that irked her.
“When we first met, I thought that in order to be a successful musician, I had to become a celebrity, which is why I told you I wanted to be famous. You took that as a challenge and threw all your attention and energy into building my popularity, and it was really fun for a while. But you wouldn’t stop. Nothing else mattered to you.”
“That’s not true,” Jace interjected.
“Really?” Paloma retorted with a side-eyed look.
“After I cut that first album, you pushed me to start the next one. After I played Los Angeles, you insisted we fly right out to New York. We played Roseland, then you pitched me to the Royal Albert Hall. By that point, I had realized I needed more to my life than packing for the next gig or I was going to start self-medicating, but when I tried to tell you about it, you wouldn’t take me seriously.
You said I had imposter syndrome and that I’d worked hard and earned my celebrity status, so ‘don’t stop now.
’ ” Paloma hadn’t intended to raise her voice, so she sat back in her chair and took a calming breath.
“I loved you, and I didn’t want to disappoint you.
I did whatever you signed me up for, until I just couldn’t anymore. ”
“Until you left, you mean.” Jace’s eyes were somber, her voice low.
“Yes.”
Jace looked away, as if she was processing what she’d heard. “I’m sorry I pressured you. I’m sorry I caused you pain. I’m sorry I didn’t understand what you were going through or what you really wanted.”
There was a beat of silence. “But…?”
Jace pursed her lips. “Well, I remember things differently.”
Paloma gave a mirthless laugh. “You probably thought I was the devil incarnate.”
“Not at all,” Jace said. “From the first time I met you, I wondered, How could someone so incredibly confident on stage be so insecure everywhere else? I mean, it was understandable that you’d have a hard time trusting anyone after your parents rejected you, and on top of that, people lie all the time to get what they want in the entertainment world.
But I loved you, I believed in you, and I thought you knew you could trust me.
I thought you did trust me. I was committed to making up for everyone who ever let you down.
I was there to protect you from the assholes.
I assured you that you sounded great and looked fantastic because you always did.
I helped you build an international fan base that adored you almost as much as I did.
And I never lied to you. I honestly thought that after I did all that, you’d finally believe in yourself. ”
That had been one of the reasons Paloma had fallen for her.
Jace had made her feel so safe, dispelling her fears with a smile and a hug.
She never considered how hard that had to have been for Jace, though: so much pressure to keep Paloma’s fears at bay.
“That’s really sweet, and noble,” she said, catching Jace’s earnest gaze.
“But you had to have known you couldn’t fix me all by yourself, right? ”
“I wanted to try,” she replied. “You were unspeakably gifted, but over and over again, you’d go down rabbit holes of self-doubt.
You thought your music sucked, your playing sucked, your lipstick was stupid, that anyone who thought you were great was stupid, and that only got worse the more praise you got.
When you’d tell me you wanted to take a step back, it didn’t sound like you were making a thoughtful decision.
It sounded desperate, like you were more afraid of success than failure.
I thought you wanted me to push you forward because I believed in you so much, and you weren’t willing to believe in your own talent. ”
“And because you were ambitious.”
“Ambitious on your behalf,” Jace said bluntly.
Paloma couldn’t help but be skeptical. “Admit it. You were caught up in all the hype. You loved the travel and the partying and hanging out with brand-name rock stars.”
“I didn’t want to do any of that without you.”
“You needed me to keep getting bigger to build your own career.”
“I needed you to talk to me.”
“You wouldn’t have listened, so I left.”
“You left, and my entire life was obliterated.” Her words hung in the air for a moment.
Here we go.
Paloma remembered that when Jace got mad during a negotiation, she didn’t yell.
Instead, she spoke very precisely at moderate volume, and she typically had a lot of points to cover.
There was no use in trying to interrupt or correct her.
Jace was relentless when she was angry, and Paloma could tell she had plenty more to say.
Paloma focused on her breathing. She didn’t want Jace to gain any satisfaction from seeing how her words were affecting her.
“I had to clean up so much shit after you disappeared,” Jace said, each consonant slicing the air.
“I had to cancel a year’s worth of show dates and pay thousands in cancellation fees, and the promoters made it clear they’d never book one of my acts again.
I had to return your advance and tell the A&M manager at Seal-Eye you weren’t going to fulfill your contract for the next album.
That asshole literally laughed at me. He told me to go back to bartending in ‘the slums of Detroit’ and leave talent management to ‘the experts in LA.’ Mary and Colin bad-mouthed me from one end of the country to the other, and the bands that were supposed to open for you that summer did the same, so no musicians with any future in this industry wanted to work with me.
The media practically stalked me to find out what had happened to you, and even though I put out an official statement that you were taking a break, they figured out real quick that you had gone AWOL and I hadn’t seen it coming.
And all this was going on while I was barely able to function, because the love of my life had vanished without explanation. ”
Jace went quiet. She looked hollowed out, like expelling all that hurt and rage at once had left a crater in her chest. Paloma was overwhelmed, not by anger or stress or anxiety, but with consummate sorrow.
Ever since New York, she had consciously avoided thinking about the depth of destruction she’d left in her wake, how she’d wrecked Jace’s business and reputation as well as her heart.
Now, all the damage had been laid at her feet.
“I’m sorry,” Paloma said, feeling ashamed of herself. “I never should have left you like I did, no matter how I justified it at the time. You deserved so much better.”
“Well, you deserved better, too,” Jace replied with a wan smile. “I should have realized that.”
They sat in silence for a few moments. The conversation Paloma had dreaded was over, but surprisingly, she wished it could continue.
Even though Jace was obviously much more comfortable talking business than talking about her feelings, and even though they’d hashed out some heavy shit, they were connecting in a way they hadn’t when they were younger.
Jace had changed since their earlier days.
Instead of maintaining her reputation for staying in control by minimizing the problem at hand, Jace had just admitted how confused and hurt she’d been.
After a five-year relationship based on Jace’s “don’t worry, keep going, everything will be fine” attitude, this burst of unedited honesty was refreshing.
It made Paloma wonder what else they could discover about each other if they could just keep talking.
Then Jace stood up, and her professional demeanor had returned. “I’d better get going. Thank you for lunch.”
Deflated, Paloma realized that since she’d turned down playing the benefit, Jace had no further reason to stay. She hid her disappointment by bringing her plate into the kitchen, her food barely touched. “By the time you hit Flint, it’ll be rush hour.”
“Oh, I’m not going back to Clawson. I booked a hotel room in Traverse City for tonight.”
Paloma was both relieved and curious. “How long are you planning to stay up here and badger me about doing this gig?”
“How long will it take?” Jace asked with a disarming smile that quickly faded. “Actually, I didn’t want to have to drive up and back on the same day, and I have work to do for the benefit before I leave.”
Paloma came out of the kitchen, following Jace as she headed toward the front door. “Hang on, Jace. Please wait.”
Jace stopped for a moment to gaze at Paloma, as if she was trying to record every detail. “I promise I’ll leave you alone,” Jace said.
Then she was gone.