Chapter 20 Not Long Ago #4
Jace looked at her sheepishly. “I’m not gonna lie. She’s not been your biggest fan since you left me. She’s a loyal friend, and she wasn’t crazy about me reaching out to you. But I told her that you apologized and we’ve cleared the air, so she seems to have changed her tune.”
Paloma knew full well they hadn’t completely cleared the air, and Sabine would hate her even more if she found out she was still holding something back, but she brushed that aside for the moment. “Good to know.”
Getting out of the car, Paloma noticed a battered slab of concrete next to the venue entrance with exposed bolts at the corners and gasped.
“Oh no! Where’s the Goddess of the Moon and the Hunt? Did she finally fall apart?”
“No, we sent her to a spa,” Jace said with a grin. “There’s a statue repair place out in Romulus that’s fixing her up. She’ll be back.” Then she unlocked the front door.
When she stepped in, Paloma was broadsided by an immense wave of nostalgia.
Even with new floors, a refurbished bar, and smoke-free air, the place remained a shrine to her youthful dreams and ambition.
It was as jarring to see it now, far more pristine than when she’d known it, as it was looking in the mirror at the lines time had etched into her own face.
“Let me give you the nickel tour,” Jace offered.
She flipped on the work lights and led Paloma across the main floor to backstage.
Memories pursued her like ghosts: the ebb and flow of crowd noise, the rubbery smell of newly printed T-shirts at the merch table, the sweet-tart taste of cheap whiskey sour mix.
So much of the life she’d loved, and had spent so much energy suppressing, had taken place in this building.
“You’ll see that the dressing rooms have been upgraded,” Jace said, gesturing toward the banks of lighted mirrors. “There are two full-service bathrooms now, so you don’t have to drive back to Hamtramck before you take a shower anymore.”
Paloma could practically hear the walls giggle, given how many times they’d seen Jace and Paloma nab a quickie between sets.
“And here’s the green room, which will be where you can hang out and grab snacks and beverages during the benefit, unless you want to be backstage to watch the other acts, which is totally understandable.”
“No more bringing our own water bottles in a picnic cooler, huh?” Paloma said.
“Nope, Sabine has made this an honest-to-God professional venue.” Jace cocked her head. “Want to go on stage?”
Paloma froze momentarily, as if she’d encountered a force field. Then, with a small inhale, she walked to the center.
What she’d always loved about playing the Artemis was how it brought the performers and the audience together.
The arch of the ceiling flowed into the sides of the proscenium, and the floor was more of a horseshoe than a square with its feet at the stage and the curve toward the exits.
Even when it was full to bursting, she could see every single face in the crowd if the lighting was right.
And, just like always, the tech board was in the back, with room for Jace to stand next to the engineers and watch the show with hearts in her eyes.
“I’ve missed this place,” Paloma said quietly.
Jace stayed in the wings as Paloma walked from side to side, reorienting herself with the grooves in the flooring and marks for the microphones. After a few minutes, she looked over her shoulder. “I’m good.”
“Do you want to know what we’re thinking about for lights, or the running order, or anything?”
“No, I can wait until rehearsal. Let’s go.”
They chatted a bit as they drove back to Clawson, but Paloma appreciated the moments of silence so she could watch the streets roll by.
She wondered whether she could fit in here if she decided to return, or if Jace wanted her back.
Paloma was beginning to hope so. Reconnecting with Jace over the past few weeks had rekindled the spark Paloma had hidden in the back of her heart, but at the same time, the more time she spent with her, the rawer she felt.
Because Jace wanted honesty from her this time around, and Paloma couldn’t bear to give that to her.
Jace parked in her driveway, but as she walked toward her front door, Paloma didn’t follow her.
“Are you leaving?” Jace asked, sounding surprised.
“Yes, I need to get back on the road,” she hedged.
“Shoot,” Jace said. “I was going to order some dinner. Want to eat before you go?”
“No, I’ll get something on the way.”
Jace stepped closer. “You’re welcome to stay here. My guest room is made up and ready to go.”
She wanted to touch Jace so badly she wanted to cry, but she kept her arms at her sides. “No, I need to go home and rehearse. Thanks for taking me around town.”
“Glad to,” Jace said, smiling in a way that Paloma recognized as masking her disappointment. She pulled Paloma in for a hug. “Drive safely.”
Before letting go, Paloma kissed her cheek, and before anything more could happen, she quickly got into her car and drove away.
At noon the next day, Paloma sat in her office and logged into a video call scheduled by Jace’s niece.
A moment later, she was face-to-face with a woman in her late twenties with thick, straight black hair, red-rimmed statement glasses, and a professional yet wary smile: a person she knew but no longer recognized.
“Hey, Olivia,” Paloma said. “The last time I saw you, you were eating Teddy Grahams and talking nonstop about Toy Story.”
“Well, I still do both of those things,” she said. “I go by Livvy these days, by the way.”
“Got it.” She stopped herself before making an offhand joke about going by a couple of different names herself over the years.
“Thank you for making time to meet with me,” Livvy continued. “We’re planning to send the first press release on Tuesday announcing the full lineup, with you as the headliner. Did you look it over?”
Paloma had read the release many times because seeing her given name in print again was jarring, and seeing how she was being promoted left her uneasy. “Yes, and while I appreciate all the hype you’re trying to build around me coming back to the Artemis, you’re laying it on kind of thick.”
“How so?”
“You call me ‘the local garage band legend and international sensation,’ for a start.”
“Aren’t you?”
“It depends. Am I a sensation because of my music or because of the mystery surrounding my disappearance?”
“Does it matter if it puts butts in seats at the Artemis?” Livvy said, unsmiling.
It was no surprise that Paloma was not Livvy’s favorite person.
Paloma recalled how smitten Jace was by little Olivia and her sister (what was her name…
Kristin? Kirsten? Kristi—that was it) when Joyce’s adoption finally went through.
She not only showered them with presents, she also went out of her way to spend time with them at parks, pools, and when she couldn’t get away from work, in the dressing room backstage at the Artemis with crayons and earmuffs to block the noise and sleeping bags for when they’d had enough of the late-night shenanigans.
Paloma had really enjoyed going on a few outings with Jace and the girls, who she remembered as being tiny for their ages and shy around strangers; when they smiled in her presence, she felt like the first human who discovered fire.
Seeing Jace’s delight in their company, Paloma had assumed she’d reconsidered the possibility of starting their own family, but when she’d attempt to bring it up, Jace would redirect and dodge.
As much as Paloma hadn’t been forthcoming when she was with Jace, she could see in retrospect that Jace hadn’t been much better.
She’d told Paloma how much she liked being the “cool aunt,” yet she’d never admitted flat out that she didn’t want to be a parent.
Instead, she’d dangled the parenting possibility in front of Paloma like a reward for getting through the next tour or recording session.
“Once we get through this, we’ll make time to talk about it,” she’d say, but that time never came.
Maybe she’d been as scared as Paloma had been to admit a truth that was likely to drive them apart.
Little Olivia had idolized her aunt Jace, so she probably only remembered Paloma as the bad lady who made Aunt Jace very sad.
Now that she was an adult, Livvy may not have changed her mind; she seemed ready to avenge any hurt Jace had suffered.
For the sake of making amends with the two of them, Paloma knew she needed to stay humble.
“I’ll do whatever it takes to make this show a success,” Paloma said.
Livvy focused her gaze offscreen, perhaps looking at her notes. “So after the release goes out, I expect we’ll get immediate media interest, but I want to pitch a few key publications to get them to interview you and Sabine.”
“Together?”
Livvy’s eyebrows knitted. “Oh, no. Sabine hates you. We may have to create floor plans to keep the two of you from interacting during the show.”
Paloma sighed sharply, realizing Jace had downplayed the issue.
“It took a few weeks before Sabine would even entertain the idea that you’d be on her stage again,” Livvy said with a tone that indicated she wasn’t exaggerating.
“Do you hate my guts, too?”
“Whether I do or don’t isn’t important,” Livvy answered evenly. “My one job is to ensure we raise enough revenue to make Aunt Jace’s fundraising goal. Since that means working with you to promote the shit out of your comeback, I will treat you like the best of besties.”
“Likewise,” Paloma said. “I am equally committed to making this work.”
“Happy to hear that.” Livvy looked down at her offscreen notes again, then shared what appeared to be a genuine smile. “I need to get background info from you to prep the pitch, so I have a few questions, the first one being, what exactly have you been doing the last twenty years?”
Paloma was ready to share a version of what she’d told Jace a few weeks before: anxiety, too much fame too fast, dropping out to save her mental health.
But looking at Livvy, she just couldn’t do it.
She couldn’t lie to yet one more person, and she had to stop lying to herself, too.
When she left New York for Stone Beach, it wasn’t to salve her nerves or shelter her child from the limelight, as she’d told herself every day since New York.
No, she’d run because she’d been too scared to take charge of her own life, mistakes and missteps and dreams and all. That had to end. Now.
“Before we talk through this, is your aunt around? I need to tell her something.”
“Sure, let me find her.”
When Livvy disappeared from the screen to fetch Jace, Paloma typed a text:
Kaden, I know how much pain and frustration I’ve caused you, and I understand you may not want to speak to me soon, or ever.
Just know that I’m so proud to be your mother, and I hope one day you’ll understand why I did what I did then and why I’m choosing to move forward now. I love you more than I can say.
As she hit send, Jace appeared on screen. “Hey,” she said, smiling. “What’s up?”
Jace was a fantastic negotiator because she was so skilled at hiding her emotions.
Paloma had seen her in action dozens of times and admired how she could sail through any high-pressure meeting, even with the most difficult promoters or label execs, without losing her cool.
She’d say something witty to break the tension; she’d flatter without going over the top; she’d deflect and distract to keep the attention focused on the matter at hand instead of herself.
Even after they’d been dating for several months, Paloma hadn’t always been sure if Jace was telling her how she really felt about her, only because she’d seen how easily Jace could seal off her feelings.
That emotional scaffolding was firmly in place as Paloma began their conversation by recapping their last year together, outlining how their relationship had been faltering for months, with the European tour becoming a breaking point.
Jace nodded as Paloma ticked off the major problems they’d already covered at her kitchen table back in June.
But as Paloma described how lonely she’d become within their relationship, how she’d longed for someone to listen to her without trying to change her mind—and how Nolan offered her that right when her relationship with Jace had frayed so badly she didn’t know how to repair it—Jace’s reserve began to crack.
The words themselves—I never planned this…
it was a total surprise…I didn’t want to hurt you…
at least I could finally be a mom—seemed to physically take her apart.
It was horrible to watch; Paloma knew how much of Jace’s self-worth was invested in her self-control.
“I should have broken up with you before all this happened,” Paloma said, tears clouding her view of the computer screen.
“I deluded myself into thinking everything could magically work itself out because I loved you so much, but that was impossible. We wanted different things, different lives. That doesn’t excuse what I did or fix what I did to you, and I am so, so sorry. ”
The world seemed to stop turning while Paloma waited for Jace to respond.
She expected her to walk away or say something sardonic and cutting, but Jace was silent and immobile, looking offscreen as the seconds ticked by.
Paloma was about to hang up when Jace squared herself in front of the screen, her face impenetrable once more.
“I have three questions. One, is there anything—anything else—you haven’t told me?”
Paloma shook her head. “No. That’s all. That’s everything.”
“Two, are you still involved with Nolan?”
“No. He got cast in that movie and moved to California while I was still pregnant. We’re co-parents and friends, but that’s it.”
“And three, are you completely committed to making this benefit a success?”
“Yes, I’ll do whatever you need me to do. You have my word.”
“Good,” Jace said, her voice heavy. “Livvy and the rest of the team will get back to you shortly. See you in September.” Then the screen went dark.