Chapter 15
The sun coming through the window
Kleenex
Hozier
Morgan Wallen
Sad songs
Mila’s giggle
Seraph’s quiet peace
Maddy’s strength
Iwaited two days, cowering away at Nora’s house.
I’d texted and told Liam I wasn’t feeling well. He offered to swing by and bring me food. He wanted to check on me, but I’d asked that he not. I assumed the only reason he listened was because of his schedule.
By day three, I couldn’t put it off any longer. Liam had swung by right when Jeffery did, both wielding flowers and various forms of cold remedies. I wanted to sink into the earth when they both walked up the driveway at the same time.
Liam must have said something to Jeffery because he left his gifts on the porch as Liam advanced inside the house. He didn’t stay long, but he wanted to make sure I was okay.
Now I was walking through the gym just as Liam finished instructing one of his regulars. As soon as he spotted me, he turned to me with a smile curving his lips.
“Hey…” His eyes traveled down my body. “You feeling better?”
I swallowed thickly to regain my composure.
“Can we talk?”
He gave me a small nod as worry bled into his features, and he led me to his office.
Once he shut his door, I tugged the ends of my hair over my shoulder and began to twirl the pieces into a tight coil.
“What’s wrong?” Liam asked, gently pulling my hand into his.
My chest felt like it was being pried open with a rusty butter knife. Even in an effort to salvage the organ, the method to retrieve it would leave poison in my blood stream.
“I need things to slow down between us. I don’t want to sneak behind the girls’ backs.”
My eyes landed on Liam’s jawline, sharp enough to carve marble, and a muscle jumped along the rigid plane as he processed.
Time slowed as he watched me, thinking.
Silence stretched as I heard the clock on his wall tick, until finally his mouth parted.
“Then we tell them.”
My chin fell to my chest, my head shaking.
“I think they need more time. I need more time. They’ve been through more than I’ll ever know, Liam, but deep down I feel like they need time before we drop this on them.”
My eyes lifted, catching the sorrow in his. I pushed through the searing pain his expression left resonating in me.
“I think you need time, too. I mean, I’m not saying your relationship with Lacey ended recently or anything—”
“It’s been four years, plus years before that of sheer torture. I’m more than over her,” Liam cut in.
I mashed my lips together, deciding to pull it off like a Band-Aid.
“She was waiting by my car the other day after I dropped the girls.”
His body tensed like it did when I had told him about the park and the girl’s aunt. His eyes went frantic as they tried to pull the rest of the story from my expression with a silent request.
“What did she do?” he asked quietly, likely trying to restrain his anger.
I wanted to touch him. To remind him it was okay, that I was still here, but that wasn’t entirely true. I wanted distance. And I wasn’t sure he’d still want me after I took it.
“She just reminded me how much your girls went through and put this entire thing into perspective. My feelings for you…they’re not so small that they’d be over any time soon. It’s not a fling to me, Liam.”
“You think it is to me?” he asked taking a step back, getting defensive.
“No, that’s not what I meant. I’m just saying, I want to do this right.”
His hand tunneled through his dark hair, his jaw tensing, his eyes pleading.
“And the only way to do it right is to take a step back?”
I nodded.
“Fuck, is this why you’ve dodged me for days?” He paced around the room before turning to me again. “What does a step back mean exactly?” His tone went high, like he was getting desperate.
“It means platonic everything. I need space. I want to help with the girls, do lessons if you’re up for it, but no secret relationship. No kisses. No sex.”
His hands landed on his hips as he shook his head, staring at the wall. Then his gaze cut to me.
“So you’ll still be everywhere, just nowhere that I can have you?”
My head screamed to stop this. I didn’t want this.
I wanted his arms to come around me and erase the last five minutes.
But I loved those girls. I wasn’t sure how I did so easily and so quickly, but I did, and because I loved them, I would do this right. I would wait and build a foundation here in their lives, so I’d never be shaken from it.
“I want solid footing with them, Liam. They deserve to have someone in their life that won’t leave.”
He nodded, his Adam’s apple bobbing nearly as painful as my throat seemed to feel.
“If this is what you want, then fine. It’s not like I have much of a choice. I don’t agree with it. I want you, and if we need to tell everyone in order to make that happen, then we should just do it.”
“I want you too, Liam. I just also want them, and I won’t risk losing them.”
His head turned, his eyes glossy. “No, it’s just me you’d risk losing.”
“Liam…”
His hand went to the door, his back to me as he began to leave.
“I’ll respect your wishes, Haley, but I won’t like them.
And I’ll never be okay with you not being mine.
So, if along the way you decide that you want to be with someone else, all bets are off.
I’m coming for you, that’s the only warning you get.
We’re not dating other people. Not fucking them. Not anything, do you understand?”
My voice came out rattled as I said, “Yes.”
His head lowered, then he left.
Tears soaked my lashes as fat drops fell down my nose, and over my lips. Salt touched my tongue as I inhaled a deep breath. I stayed on his desk for a bit, pulling myself together, and then I left.
By the time I picked up the girls from the bus stop, they had no idea that I was all broken porcelain pieces on the inside. I kept a smile on my face, which wasn’t as hard as I first assumed. The girls made me laugh, which was always a strange balm to my frayed emotions.
I made dinner like usual, but I ate mine early while watching a few of the girls’ favorite shows, so by the time Liam came home, they were ready to eat with him and I left for the evening.
The first time I left without giving Liam any second glances, or having him walk me to my car, was like fighting a wave.
I wanted to look back.
I wanted him to walk me to my car, and I could tell by the way he hung back, he wanted to as well. But once that door clicked shut behind me, I knew this would be our new normal.
I asked for a divide, and Liam had no choice but to give it to me.
That first night, I ended up at the diner and slumped down into the same booth that I had been in when the girls first came up to me. I ordered pie and hoped it would soothe the weird chasm in my chest that had opened.
I wasn’t really paying attention to any of the other patrons until Tammy, the original waitress who’d waited on me, stood next to my table.
“Looks like Macon is starting to dull your shine.”
I glanced up from my game of solitaire that I was playing on my phone and gave her a pathetic smile.
“Yep, guess I’m not made for Macon,” I joked, adjusting into the booth. My chest hurt. Why did it already hurt this bad?
Tammy gave me a pitying look before clicking her tongue.
“None of us are, honey. This mountain was made for bears, deer, and wild cats. We’re all just a bunch of idiots up here trying to coexist with them.”
Hadn’t really thought of it that way before.
“Here’s your pie, and can I just give you a little piece of advice?” she asked, sliding the steaming rhubarb in front of me.
My mouth watered immediately, not really processing her words, but I nodded anyway.
“In order to last in the mountains of Macon, you have to find something that makes you feel as solid as the trees that grow here—something or someone. I’m still working on that, but the people who last here, they’ve found the right people.
It’s like finding your very own mountain peak inside of someone.
Isn’t that a crazy thing to even think? Have you been up to the top of Mount Macon yet? ”
My fork sank into the flaky crust as I tried to swallow the thick lump in my throat.
“No, not yet.”
Tammy’s eyes rounded as she gripped her hip. “You gotta go, there’s a whole trailhead and everything. I think it’s right off the main road, with a sign—”
“Tammy!” someone yelled from the back counter.
My waitress winced as Millie, the owner made her way out.
“What did I tell you about talking people’s ears off?” Millie asked quietly, walking closer to the booth so she didn’t embarrass Tammy any more than she already had.
The owner glanced at me, giving me a smile.
“Haley, it’s nice to see you. How do you like the rhubarb?”
She knew my name? my mouth gaped for a second before I realized I had words.
“Oh. I love it.”
“And how are Liam and the girls?” her gentle eyes implored kindly.
Just like that, I felt like I’d taken a slap to the face.
“Uh.”
She stayed put but moved to the side as Tammy left to help another customer.
“Sorry, I thought you were nannying the girls or helping Liam, weren’t you?”
I nodded, trying to gain my voice again.
“Yes, sorry…just took me a second.”
“Well, I’m sure glad they have you.” Millie squeezed my shoulder supportively before heading back behind the counter.
I watched her go, thinking that maybe—just maybe—I was doing the right thing. Maybe in the end this would be a good thing, and even though my heart felt frail, my foundation with the girls would be solid enough to make this whole thing worth it.