Chapter 31
Surprises
‘Goodnight, Mommy’
All variations of mom
Chalkboards
Lists
Family Photos
Lilac
It finally happened.
I heard it.
Maddy did it first, and I thought I’d be ready because the girls had warned me. They had flat-out asked me if they could call me mom, but since that day, there wasn’t a reason for them to directly call me or ask me anything, and if they did, they reverted back to Haley.
It was fine, I wasn’t going to sweat it either way, but I was anxious about it. Particularly knowing that Liam was watching and listening too.
I kept trying to dodge him, but Liam was a force of nature. He was mine, and while I was hurt and angry with him, my possession of him didn’t change. He was buried under my skin, deep in my heart. Fatally so.
There was no dodging him.
He was ever-present and always on my mind, even as I slept alone and woke with an ache between my legs and a stinging in my heart. He was everywhere and nowhere, and it was maddening.
So when Maddy walked into the kitchen, holding her backpack, and sweetly said, “Mom, can you help get my zipper unstuck?” I dropped a glass.
It shattered on the floor, which probably gave Maddy trauma, but I swooped in and hugged her to my chest so tight, I didn’t think it would stay. My tears wouldn’t stop, even as I did, in fact, unstick the zipper.
Mila said it next at bedtime.
“Goodnight, Mommy.”
I wrote that down on my list.
Then Seraph got me by drawing it on her wall. She had started a gratitude list, just like Maddy had. She wrote hers on her wall every day.
I walked in there to grab laundry and saw it.
Today’s List:
New Markers
Clean Sheets
Cats
Whiskers
Mom
Mom’s baking
Mom’s hugs
Mom’s heart
I cried for an hour. I also took a picture on my phone, then Google searched the local rescue shelter to see if they had any adoptable cats.
Our lives were slowly blending into an intricate braid that, while fraying in some places, was still holding. It was that reminder that kept me sane when my heart just wanted to break.
It was Saturday morning, and the sun was bleeding into the room, proving my sheer curtains were a joke. I’d have to go back to the wooden slats Liam had before. Which meant he’d have to help. Unless I went back to asking Jeffery for help.
That thought almost made me laugh. How ridiculous would that be? It was like inviting a bunny rabbit into a wolf den…a wolf that had already gotten a taste for blood.
No, that wouldn’t work.
Fuck, I missed Liam.
His arms, his scruff against my thighs when he woke me up on Saturdays. The way he held me at night. The gaping hole in my chest seemed to widen as I realized we were likely never going to get past this. It wasn’t what he said. I could understand being in the moment and saying something you regret.
But we wouldn’t get past his pride.
It was a wall of stone. I had no tools to move it, nor any desire to.
A few tears gathered in the corners of my eyes as I stared up at the ceiling, watching the shadows swirl and spin as the sun caught pieces of the tree outside and cast it along the walls.
I couldn’t seem to get the dream out of my head from last night.
It was the moment on my thirteenth birthday when Blaire told me those haunting words, all those years ago while sitting in my brother’s garden.
The most powerful asset you will ever have is the power to forgive.
I needed to forgive him. I wanted to. Part of me already had, but—
I heard something being slid under the bedroom door.
Curious, I crawled out from under the massive feather duvet and tiptoed over to the door and bent down.
It was a note.
Gripping it in between my fingers I scanned the text with a furrowed brow…
Today’s List:
Sunshine
Air Conditioning
Lilac perfume
Pancakes
Saturdays
Family
Haley
So Liam was doing the lists now too.
Cute––I supposed––although I wasn’t sure why he was sharing them with me.
Still, I found myself pressing his note into my own notebook and starting my morning.
By the time I got downstairs, Maddy was already making pancakes, Seraph was focusing on air frying bacon with her dad, and Mila was pouring everyone’s orange juice. That must have been a task Liam gave her because I knew better than to trust her with the pitcher.
“Mila, watch your cup, baby,” I warned, garnering attention from Liam and Seraph.
Right as he looked at me, Mila’s hand moved forward too far and the cup spilled over.
“Momma, it spilled!”
Liam jumped over and began wiping things up, and I tried to hide how attracted to him I was when he helped the girls. Maybe it was because I had been on my own with them, or because I was still just in love with him, but I was legitimately ready to jump him whenever he was helpful.
A text vibrated in my pocket, pulling my attention away.
Jeffery:
Hey…I know things between us are awkward, but I left a few tools over at Liam’s. Can I swing by to grab them?
Huh. Think of the devil and he’ll text about tools.
As irritated as I was with him over what he’d said to Liam, it wasn’t like I’d keep a contractor from his tools.
“Jeffery is going to swing by to get his tools,” I said plainly to Liam. The girls ignored us, focusing on their tasks. Liam looked shocked that I spoke directly to him. He blinked, gripped the rag a little tighter than needed then dipped his chin.
“Okay. Thanks for letting me know.”
I knew that was a sore spot for him on more than a few levels, but I didn’t have the energy to coddle Liam’s feelings. Not anymore.
The rest of the morning unwound peacefully, and when Jeffery drove up, I made my way outside.
Liam had been doing yard work most of the morning, so I hadn’t really had a chance to tell him that Jeffery was on his way.
I exited through the garage from the house, seeing that the large bay door was open, but stopped when I overheard Liam talking.
“Hey…I know I didn’t handle everything right at the town thing. I shouldn’t have hit you. I never thanked you for stepping in to help Haley and the girls while I was gone.”
Jeffery was slow to respond, and since I couldn’t see him, I wasn’t sure if he was nodding or making a hand gesture of some kind.
Then he finally spoke up. “It was no trouble. I enjoyed helping her. Not just because I was slowly trying to steal her from you. It was because I liked being helpful. Sorry I said all that shit about you.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Liam said, like he was waving it away.
I knew those words Jeffery had spoken had gotten under his armor, so him forgiving Jeffery made my heart wilt a little.
“You know the whole town sees you as this larger-than-life celebrity, right? The gym failing wasn’t a thing. I mean, the whole town was failing just last year. I shouldn’t have said it. I was just jealous. I really wanted Haley to pick me.”
Liam waited to respond, and when he did my eyes burned.
“Honestly, she may still choose you. She’s not technically with me right now, but you should know if she does choose you that she will always be mine.
I love her. I’m in love with her. She’s our missing piece.
So, if she chooses you, or anyone else…I’ll fight it.
With everything I’ve got, I’ll fight it, but in the end, I’ll respect her choice.
Just know, she comes with three little girls. ”
How could Liam honestly think that I would ever move on from him? I was angry, but I loved him. He was mine too.
I wasn’t moving on. The notion that he’d accept it, and still be willing to allow me to have the girls, made something inside of me turn to mush.
It was unrecognizable, as if all the reasons that had seemed so substantial and insurmountable just looked like mashed-up nothingness that was keeping us apart as effectively as a puddle on the ground.
Why weren’t we just stepping over it?
I didn’t hear the way their conversation ended, and it wasn’t until Jeffery drove off that I realized Liam was moving back toward the garage. I hustled inside, not ready for him to see me crying again. I had a little pride I was still clinging to.
It wasn’t until later that evening when the sky looked like a bottle of merlot had been spilled across it, that I wandered out front to see what had kept Liam so busy all day.
The scent hit me first.
I inhaled deeply as the tart and sweet fragrance rolled over my taste buds, taking me back to the first time I had smelled my favorite scent in that garden, on my thirteenth birthday.
Then I saw the color.
There was a burst of purple to my left, as fresh lilac bushes converged all along the base of the house and around the corner to the fence that bordered the backyard.
Damn him.
I was going to cry again. I needed to see it from the street. I walked to the curb of the sidewalk and choked on a tiny sob. Lilac crawled up the stone wall, nearly touching our bedroom window and then crossed over the arch, and back down. Our home was encased in lilac.
It had to have cost him a fortune to buy, and how did he find a plant this mature? Did that mean he was keeping the investment money? My heart skipped a tiny beat as I wandered inside, needing to see him.
I found Liam out on the back patio, under the pergola. He already had a beautiful set of patio furniture out here, but I added a string of outdoor lights and a table that had a space for a gas fire. Liam nursed a bottle of ginger beer in front of the flames.
I wrapped the thin blanket I’d grabbed around me and curled into one of the loungers, facing him.
The night was breezy, but warm. The gas fireplace flickered as the scent of lilac hung in the air.
He’d planted a lilac tree in the back, too.
He was sunburned and looked like he was about to fall asleep.
“You’ve been busy today,” I said, gesturing behind me toward the tree.
His slow smile was felt down in my toes.
“It’s my favorite scent.”
I tipped my head back and caught sight of the stars through the glowing lights.
“That’s it?”