187. Sterling
Chapter 187
Sterling
I walk a few more paces deeper into the woods before I take my phone out of my pocket.
The reception out here is trash, but I have two more nights before I head home, and I know the call from her mom yesterday took its toll on Courtney.
She didn’t admit it straight out, and we’ve only been texting since I left, but I could tell.
I curse at the two bars of service but know it’s the best I’m going to get. And even if the signal cuts out on us, I want to hear her voice.
It only rings twice before she answers.
“Sterling.” Courtney practically gasps my name, sounding out of breath.
“Cookie. You’re not supposed to be working.” I picture her lugging loads of laundry around, working up a sweat because she puts her whole damn heart into her job.
She laughs. “Not working, just playing tag with Ben.”
Ben lets out a playful bark, as though he’s confirming.
A smile that feels almost wistful pulls across my lips. “Well, that’s fucking adorable.” She snickers. “You gonna have dinner with the guys? ”
Courtney makes a sound of agreement. “Yeah. Simpson got back today, so I think everyone will be here.”
Ben barks again, and the sound that comes out of Courtney can only be described as a giggle.
Fuck, I miss them.
I clear my throat. “Ben doing okay?”
“He’s so great. No accidents. He cleans his bowl every meal. Don’t you, you good dog, you? ” She changes her voice as she talks directly to the dog. “We’re still working on sleeping in, but I think he just likes going outside too much.”
“He probably likes the treats he gets every time he comes back in.” I say it like I didn’t do the same thing those few days I was home after getting him.
“It’s a strong possibility.” Courtney hums. “Can I ask you something?”
“Always,” I reply.
Not wanting to move and mess with the cell signal, I lean against the trunk of the aspen I’m standing next to and wait for her to ask whatever’s on her mind.
“How did you find your passion?”
My brows furrow. “What do you mean?”
“I… I was just thinking the other day about passions. People always talk about them, like it’s just something they always knew about. But… I don’t have one.” There’s a tone of defeat in her voice, and I hate it.
“Honey, I’ve seen you passionate,” I tell her, meaning it.
She huffs. “I know I have the capability, but I mean like specifically. I don’t have a passion. I don’t even have a hobby.”
“Dressing up your little cactus doesn’t count?” I realize that sounds kind of dickish, so I try to clarify. “Sorry, that was a serious question, but it sounded rude. Honestly, I don’t know anything about hobbies. I literally live where I work.”
“That’s what I mean though.” It sounds like she’s pacing. “The Lodge is your passion. I know you told me that you’d been doing guide work since high school, but which came first?”
“Like the chicken or the egg?”
“Yeah. Did you become passionate because you worked for those other companies, or did you seek out those jobs because you knew you wanted to do them? And… Did you ever have doubts? Or were you always all-in?”
I blow out a breath. “I don’t remember ever making a conscious decision about it, but growing up out here, I spent a lot of time exploring the woods. My hometown is about an hour from the Lodge, but the terrain was the same. Mountains and woods and wildlife. It just became my… happy place, I guess you could say. Plus it was a way to avoid my parents, homework… Typical kid shit. So when I found out I could get paid for fucking around outside, it was a no-brainer. Some jobs I liked more than others, but that was mostly about the people I had to work with.”
“Sounds nice,” Courtney says softly. “So, you never considered anything else?”
I roll my lips together. Not wanting to answer.
“That’s a yes.” She snorts after my extended silence.
“It’s a yes.” I sigh.
Courtney makes a sound in her throat. “Your hesitation makes me think it was about a woman.”
A laugh jumps out of my chest.
She snickers. “I’m right, aren’t I? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“No, it’s okay.” I push off the tree and start my own pacing. “I want to preface this by saying I have zero feelings for this person. I don’t hold any sort of candle for her. I don’t think about her with longing.”
“Yeah, yeah. You’re over her. I get it,” Courtney teases me.
I roll my eyes at myself. Of course, this woman of mine would be understanding.
“So…” she prompts.
“So… she was my high school girlfriend. And like every couple that age, we planned our whole lives out. She would go to college, get her teaching degree. I would keep working full time, overtime, until I could afford my own guide business. We would live in the town we grew up in, working our careers… But she went to college out of state, and after the first year, she came home and told me it was over. She said she liked livi ng in civilization and that she’d never be happy living with me in the woods .”
I shake my head remembering it.
I let her dismissal twist me up for so long. And for what? I can’t even picture her face anymore. I’d pass her on the street and not recognize her. And even if I did, I wouldn’t care. I have my Courtney now.
“What a twat,” Courtney spits.
Goddamn, this woman is it for me.
I smile at her anger on my behalf.
“It took me a while to get there, but yeah, you’re right. Unfortunately, at the time, I was still young, dumb, and full of pride. And her rejection made me doubt myself. And my passion.” I circle back to the original question. “I never quit, but I cut my hours and got a temp job in an office.”
“In an office?” Courtney repeats incredulously.
“It was very temporary.”
My girl laughs. “I’m trying to picture you at nineteen, playing nice with people in button-downs… that aren’t flannel.”
“Yeah, well, I couldn’t picture it either. I was there less than a month before I decided I’d rather live alone than live that sort of lifestyle. It just wasn’t for me. Isn’t for me,” I correct. “And it proved to me that we didn’t love each other the way I thought we did. It wasn’t like…” I swallow the rest of my words.
It wasn’t like us.
I didn’t love her at all.
Because it didn’t feel like this.