Chapter 15 #2
“If she’s smart, she’ll stay put until morning.”
“She’s upset,” Tessa says softly.
“That’s not what I said.”
No one answers right away.
I can picture Tessa realizing what he means at the same time I do.
Cal doesn’t know me. He hasn’t even seen me. But somehow, he knows enough.
“If she’s the kind of woman who drove up to Luke’s place alone and lasted more than a day with him,” Cal says, “then being upset won’t keep her still. It’ll make her reckless.”
My fingers tighten against the wall.
A long moment passes before Holt says, “I’ll check on her.”
“No.” Tessa’s voice is soft but firm. “Give her some time. She’s in the bath. Let her have her space.”
I let out the breath I’ve been holding.
Cal makes a low sound. “I need to get moving before the road gets worse.”
“You’re going back out in this?” Holt asks.
“Won’t get better by waiting.”
The door opens again, letting in another hard blast of cold.
“Call Luke,” Cal says. “Tell him if he’s done being an idiot, he should do something about it fast.”
Then the door shuts behind him.
For a few seconds, no one says anything.
I don’t wait for them to start.
I move quietly down the hall, grab my bag from the bedroom, wait long enough to hear Cal’s truck drive away, and head for the side door with my heart pounding so hard I’m sure they’ll hear it over the storm.
They don’t.
And by the time the cold hits my face, I’m already outside.
Luke
I never should have answered Tessa’s call. Hell, I should have turned my phone off altogether. There’s nothing to say.
Not to anyone.
And sure as hell, not to my daughter.
She thinks she knows what’s going on, but she has no idea. How could she possibly know how every single day I wake up tortured by the way I destroyed her mother and, by proxy, her?
How could she know that the things I’ve seen, the things I’ve been made to do, have changed me to the point where I don’t even recognize myself anymore?
I’ve spent decades trying to reclaim myself. Trying to pull myself back from the brink of insanity and soul-crushing depression that threatened to consume me.
I’ve made mistakes when it comes to those I love, big ones.
I may need to learn things the hard way, but I’ll be damned if I’ll repeat my mistakes and hurt Lilly, too.
Just because I fell in love with her doesn’t mean she should have to pay the price.
Tessa has no way of understanding that.
Doesn’t she?
She is in love with my best friend. One of the very few men who could possibly understand. And being with Holt, she would have had to break down some of those very same walls.
Fuck.
I stand there for a moment, my phone still in my hand, staring out the window as the early winter storm rolls in over the mountains. The snow is already coming down hard enough that I can’t see past the woodshed in the yard. The wind is picking up, driving the snow sideways.
It’s going to be a beast of a storm.
It fits my mood perfectly.
Like everything is closing in around me. Tighter and tighter, until there’s no way out.
I drag a hand through my hair and turn from the window, forcing myself to move and do something. Anything to keep myself from standing there thinking about her.
About the look on her face when I told her she needed to leave.
About the way she didn’t argue.
I did the right thing.
She’s too young. Too sweet and smart and innocent to be with a man like me.
She has her whole life ahead of her.
The last thing she needs is a grumpy mountain man who makes it his mission to shut people out.
There was no version of this that ended any other way. Not without Lilly getting hurt. More hurt.
A little bit of heartache now will save her in the long run.
I can keep telling myself that, but no matter how many times I try to justify it, I know it’s bullshit.
And that’s the worst part.
For the first time in decades, I let myself feel something for someone else. I opened up and let her in.
It was more than work. So much more than work.
It was more than sex. Although the sex was amazing. But there’s only one reason why sex can be that good.
Love.
I fucking love her. And that’s the truth.
For the first time since I left the service, left Cheryl and Tessa behind, and retreated to the mountain to hide, I felt something with Lilly. Something so real that it scared the hell out of me. So I pushed it away.
Before I can let that nugget of truth take root in my head, my phone buzzes in my hand.
Holt.
Of course.
I stare at the screen, debating whether to answer it at all. I already know exactly what he’s going to say. Maybe that’s why I swipe and accept the call.
“What?”
There’s no patience left for anything else.
“I should ask you the same fucking question, brother,” Holt says, calm and controlled. “What the fuck did you do?”
I let out a quiet breath and turn back to the window. “I should never have let it happen. So I handled it.”
“Did you?”
The question just sits there because I don’t have an answer. Not a good one anyway.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Ha.” His laugh is quick and sharp. “You know that’s bullshit, Luke. If anyone knows what the fuck I’m talking about, it’s me.”
I hate that he’s right.
“I also know that she showed up at my cabin, completely heart broken,” he continues. “And I know that you think you’re doing the right thing. The same way I did.”
My jaw tightens. I remember clearly the day I confronted Holt about his relationship with my daughter.
After seeing red when I realized he’d dared put a hand on her, I saw the truth.
He was desperately in love with her, and he’d pushed her away in an effort to protect her. Instead, he’d crushed her.
Fuck him. It was the same.
But also, it was different.
“You forget,” I say. “I’ve been here before, Holt. I know exactly what kind of damage I can do to someone. How much will I do. I can’t do it again. I can’t do it to Lilly.”
“That’s not your call,” Holt replies, just as steady as before. “You don’t get to make those decisions for her, and you know it.”
I look out the window at my truck that’s buried in almost a foot of snow already. The storm is picking up. The wind rattles the windows. The wind is whipping the snow so hard it’s almost blinding.
I drag a hand down my face, my gaze dropping to the floor as the truth settles in, despite my best efforts to keep it out. “She’s there?” I ask after a moment.
“Yes.”
That’s all I need.
“I’m coming.”
I don’t let myself think about it or question the safety of going out on the already dangerous mountain roads in weather like this. I grab my keys, my coat, and head out into the howling storm.