Chapter 4
Conner
I shouldn’t have spent the night at Taylor’s. It’s going to mess up her relationship with Austin. And as much as I hate that they’re together, I don’t want to be the reason they break up.
My mind races with a million thoughts. Is she going to tell him I crashed there? Will he be an asshole to her about it? Should I bust his jaw if he is?
I mean, that last is probably a no-brainer. He’s in law enforcement. The last thing I should do is assault him for being mad that a guy spent the night at his girlfriend’s house.
But I’m not just a guy. I’m her best friend. And even though I haven’t slept over once since they’ve been dating… nothing happened.
I showered, ate, and fell asleep.
He’s never going to believe that, I think to myself while loading pear trees onto the trailer. Austin hates me and this is the first time it doesn’t feel great.
I asked Taylor last night if she’s happy, and she said yes. That girl is a terrible liar, which means she meant it last night. I could hear the contentment in her voice. Regardless of if Taylor gets in arguments with Austin or not… she’s happy.
I need to give her up. Cut the Taylor strings tied around my heart and move on.
Because living like this is killing me.
I work my ass off to keep myself distracted.
I make thirst traps online for attention and extra money.
I sabotage all my relationships on purpose.
I’m barely home. I don’t see my friends as much as I want because we’re all adults now and adulting sucks up all our free time. I’m lonely, exhausted, and miserable.
Fuck me for thinking a miracle would eventually happen between me and Taylor.
I should never have pushed her away that day when she did that kissing trend. I should have manned up and kissed the hell out of her because it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.
I lost my chance.
I lost her.
Now she has Austin and they’re going to probably get married and have lots of babies.
He’ll eat her moon pickles. He’ll be the lucky bastard who gets to fall asleep with her every night and watch the sunrise with her every morning before he kisses her goodbye and goes to work as a game warden and saves campers from being eaten by bears.
She’ll take my spare clothes out of her bottom drawer and give them back to me or throw them in a donation pile. She’ll wake up one day and see that I’m just a loser from her past. The Peter Pan to her Wendy.
And she’ll grow up.
Meanwhile, I’ll stay in my never-ending cycle of wake up, work, eat, sleep, and repeat. I’ll forever be a dirt man. Sweaty and tired and covered in sap and mud because I can’t find another job I like.
And I do like my job. Actually, I love it.
I’m not built for an office. I need fresh air.
Something familiar yet different every day.
I wanted to be a paleontologist when I was a kid.
But college was never in the cards for me.
My grades weren’t good enough for scholarships, and my parents weren’t supportive.
Could I have just gone into debt up to my eyeballs?
Sure. But I’ve got a thing about finances and refuse to let myself go into debt for any reason.
Besides, say I had gone off and got my degrees, I’d be digging dino bones in another part of the world, not here at Bear Creek.
Not here with Taylor.
Jesus… I’ve… I’ve let my life go for the hopeful delusion that what? She and I would magically be together one day?
Wow. I’m the biggest dumbass on the planet.
After loading the trailer, I double check the hitch and lights, then head out to pick up the new kid, Dex, because he doesn’t have a car yet.
“Feeling better today?” I ask, cocking my brow.
He grumbles and hops into the truck. “Hangovers are a bitch.”
I hand him a water bottle and a packet of electrolytes because he still looks like shit and I can’t have him crapping out on me mid-day.
So, anyway, as I was saying… Even if Austin doesn’t meet my standards for Taylor, he meets her standards and that’s what matters most. Austin’s got a great job, he’s nice—when he’s not being a douche—and yeah, it might take him time to get used to her witchy shit, but he’ll get with the program eventually because he loves her.
Wait. He does love her, right?
Not as much as me. Hell, no one is going to love her as much as me, but he must love her enough to always buy her flowers and gifts. He takes her to nice dinners and the movies, too.
Sometimes she invites me and the guys to tag along, but I try to be busy those nights. I can’t bring myself to hang out with the man who’s got my girl. It’s too much for me and I end up acting out and being an asshole.
That’s not fair to either of them.
At least he’s not as bad as Shane. That fool stood Taylor up once and made her cry.
So, I made him cry.
Fair’s fair.
And then there was Justin before that. They got into a fight at the diner, and she walked home in the rain.
If I hadn’t been driving home from work early that day, she would have walked the entire five miles back to her house just out of pure stubbornness.
Drenched and hugging herself, she was in a light blue dress with six necklaces on that got all tangled around her neck.
Mud had splattered half-way up her calves from her flip-flops, and her mascara ran all the way down to her chin.
It's one of my favorite memories, quite honestly.
She was so mad, she hopped into my truck and vented the entire way back to her house.
Soaked to the bone and ready to set the world on fire.
She threatened to bash his precious car all up, call his mama and tell her how disrespectful her son was, and tell half the town he had a micro peen.
I think I like it when she’s mad because she’s so snarly and squeaky and such a little baddie. I used to push her buttons all the time just to see her get fired up.
Still do, sometimes.
But that’s all gotta stop. I can’t keep holding onto something that isn’t really there.
Halfway through the day, I’m slowing down. Shit, I forgot to pick dandelions!
Oh well. There’s always tomorrow.
Wait. No. I’m not picking those. They’ll just send me back to Taylor and I can’t go there anymore.
This is the end. I mean it this time.
“We’re good,” Dex says, taking off his gloves. “Ready to go?”
I look at the yard, making sure everything is perfect. “Yup. Let’s load the zero turns and hit the next place.”
When we pull up to Larson Landscaping, Russel comes out with concern etched into the deep sun-worn wrinkles on his face.
Oh shit.
“Conner, can you step inside my office real quick?”
My balls tuck and hide. I have no idea what I’ve done wrong, but maybe it’s not me. Shit… did something happen to Taylor?
Calm down. You’re being paranoid.
“Is everything okay, sir?” I follow Russ into his office trailer that sits at the front of a ten-acre stretch of land filled with trees, bushes, and stone pavers.
“Have a seat.”
I take my hat off and twist it between my hands in my lap, wracking my brain to figure out why he sounds so serious and glum.
“If this is about yesterday’s schedule getting a little off track, I—”
“I’m putting you on leave, Conner.”
My heart clunks. “What?”
“Effective immediately.”
I stand up so fast, the chair scrapes the floor. “Sir, I—”
“This isn’t up for discussion. You need to go home and reset your priorities.”
“My priorities?” For the first time in a long time, I get mad at my boss. “Russel, I don’t need to reset anything. I’m a good worker. Your best worker, and we both know it.”
“I’m not saying you’re not, son. I’m saying you need to reset your priorities. That’s got nothing to do with the quality of your work.”
“I don’t understand. Did I do something wrong that I’m not aware of?”
“No.” He sits down and busies himself with the piles of paperwork on his tiny desk.
“Did I offend you with my ideas on expansion?”
He glares at me. Then he takes his glasses off and pinches the bridge of his nose. “No. Of course not.”
I think he’s lying. “You’ve got an amazing company, Russ, and I just… I love it here. I want to see it grow more. And I know you can’t take on one more thing, but I can. I can help you grow bigger. Make enough money so you can retire earlier. I’ve done all the research too on how to—”
“Conner. Stop.”
“Sir.”
“Go home.”
I think I’m going to puke. “Am I fired? Is this your way of firing me?”
Russel gets up and calmly walks around his desk. When he stands in front of me, I feel like I’m sixteen years old again, standing in this very spot, begging him for a job because my parents told me I needed to contribute to the bills because that’s what a man does.
“I’m not firing you, Conner. I’m trying to help you.” His hand feels like it weighs a hundred pounds on my shoulder. “You’ve been working yourself into the ground, son. It’s not okay.”
“I’m fine. I’m happy to do it. We’re short-staffed and I’m just doing my part.”
“You’re doing more than your part. And it’s okay to be short-staffed and not get it all done in a day. It’s okay to turn down jobs, too.”
No, it’s not.
“I just…” Tears burn my eyes, and I force them back down where they belong because grown men do not shed tears over glorified yardwork. “I just want to make you proud, sir.”
“Oh Conner.” Russ squeezes my shoulder, and I swear I’m going to puke all over his plaid shirt.
I think I’ve somehow unraveled today. Between waking up at Taylor’s knowing I’ll never have a beautiful life with her, to this moment with her dad—the man who’s been more of a father to me than the one I stopped speaking to years ago—it’s like my life has silently blown up and I can’t scrape all the pieces off the ground.
Maybe Russ is right. I need to reset my priorities. Figure out my next steps in life because the path I’ve been on isn’t open anymore. Not with Taylor, and possibly not with Larson Landscaping. Hell, maybe not even with Bear Creek.
“Okay,” I say, defeated.
There’s no arguing with Russel Larson, anyway. The man is a force of nature no one can bend.
Except Taylor.
“For how long?” I ask, feeling small and stupid and humiliated.
“For however long it takes.” Russ gives me a small, pathetic smile and squeezes my shoulder one last time. “Go on now. Go home.”
“But what about—”
“I’ve got it handled.” Russ points to the door. “Now get.”