Chapter 13
Taylor
If someone told me I’d be lying in my bed, in the middle of the day, naked with Conner-the-anaconda, I would have laughed in their face.
First off, I thought the rumors about the size of his dick were bullshit.
Kelly gave him that nickname in high school and I kinda thought it was like calling a big man Tiny, ya know?
Or that she was trying to hype up their physical relationship by bragging about him to her friends to make him sound cooler than he was.
Because Conner was not one of the cool kids growing up.
And since he prefers to date outside of the towny population as an adult, I’ve never been able to verify it for myself.
It’s not like I would ever ask one of the guys about it.
That would have been embarrassing and inappropriate and weird.
But between his cuddles and the size of his you-know-what, his nickname’s accurate. Very, unbelievably accurate.
Does he trip over that thing when he’s getting dressed?
And those tongue tricks? Diabolical.
His kissing skills? Insane.
No man is self-taught. I’m convinced they’ve been guided and trained by their partners. Which means I want to thank every woman he’s ever been with and skin them alive for having him first.
My heart thrashes in my throat as I ask, “How do we do this?”
I’m not even sure what I’m referring to—his size versus mine, our relationship, our schedules. Is this a onetime thing because he’s hit rock bottom and I’m his safe-space or am I some desperate fool who stepped in when he needed comfort and an orgasm and now it’s over.
There’s no way this is really real. Fear shoots ice through my veins. Did we just screw up our lifelong friendship for a few Os?
Conner blows out a long exhale and that just adds to my worry. We’ve just crossed the friendship line. Blown the wall I put between us all those years ago to smithereens.
“You tell me,” he finally says.
“I…” There’s nothing sensible left in my head. It’s infuriating and frustrating. Hopping out of bed, I grab my robe to cover myself. “I don’t think I know how to do this, Con.”
He’s on me in a flash. “Hey. Whoa. What the fuck, Taylor?”
There’s hurt in his eyes and anger in his voice.
“I’m sorry, I just…” Running my hands through my hair my gaze drops to his collarbone because I can’t look in his big beautiful brown eyes when I say this. “I’ve loved you for so long. If this is just one of your self-sabotage episodes, I can’t be part of it.”
Even though I know it’s already too late.
“Self-sabotage episodes?” he repeats, and maaaaannn he sounds insulted. “Taylor, you’re not a hole.”
My stomach twists.
“If I wanted to a quick fuck, I could have just—”
“Finish that sentence and I’m going to put you in the freezer.”
He closes his mouth even though he has no goddamn clue what that even means. He just knows my threats aren’t to be taken lightly.
“This is real,” he says cautiously. “For me… this is real. This is all I’ve ever wanted, Taylor. I understand that you’re scared because I am too. We’ve crossed a line there’s no coming back from.”
I hug myself and take a step back. My heart thuds in my throat. “What if it doesn’t work out?”
This man doesn’t hesitate to say, “I’ll leave.” Conner forces me to look up at him. “I’ll leave and never come back to Bear Creek.”
My galloping heart slams into a brick wall. “What?”
That’s going too far. He can’t just leave.
“It would be best,” he mumbles, and his voice deepens with a heaviness that makes me sad.
“There’s no way I can have you for a minute and then never again.
It would kill me, Taylor. To see you move on and be with someone…
anyone else after me…” He shakes his head.
“It’s not in me to stay for that torment. I can’t do it anymore.”
I can’t do it anymore.
All this time we’ve been crazy for each other and too afraid to take a chance.
Too afraid to mess things up. He dates women who don’t live in town and never brings them around me or Nick or anyone else as far as I know.
And I’ve been sporadically dating anyone who will ask because I’m lonely and trying to find someone who fits in my heart, knowing each guy I choose is nowhere close to my type.
Talk about self-sabotage.
And Conner’s had to watch me go on dates for years. He’s the one I cried to when a boyfriend hurt my feelings. He’s the one I called when I got stood up. He’s the one who protected me from the worst of the bullies and the shittiest of boyfriends…
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I say, wiping my tears away. “It’s just stupid stuff.”
“Can’t be stupid if it’s making you cry.” Conner drops his book bag on the ground and sits next to me against the fence. The football team is practicing behind us, and I really should leave, but I can’t seem to summon the guts.
“Come on, Taylor. If you don’t tell me, I’ll just pester you non-stop until you cave.”
“It’s embarrassing.”
“So?”
The way he says it makes me feel like I’m making a bigger deal than I should about it. He also waits for me to talk and anytime I tell him what’s bothering me, he never laughs about it. Conner somehow takes all the uncomfortableness away from my situations.
“Some guys were making fun of me after lunch,” I say quietly, and I hate that my voice quivers.
“Give me names.”
“No, Con.”
“Why do you let them get away with it?”
“Because it’s not worth fighting stupidity.
I like me. It’s not my problem that everyone in this town is so…
different from me.” Other towns probably have eccentric girls all over the place doing all kinds of cool witchy, gothic shit.
But not here in Bear Creek. God forbid you be different around here.
That I refuse to change myself to fit in is my biggest flex.
To me, it’s bravery that everyone else is too shallow to see.
But I get disapproving looks all the time for my clothes, my hair, my jewelry. The incessant rumors are juvenile and exhausting. Nick once said that the assholes at school do it because they’re jealous I won’t give them the time of day, so they poke at me to get my attention.
I don’t believe that at all.
They want to feel big by making others feel small. I pity them, honestly.
“You should just kick them in their dicks. That’ll shut them up.”
“Or I could put them in the freezer,” I joke, trying to make light of my emotions.
“I have no idea what that means but I’ll help you.” Conner looks across the field at a group of students walking by. “We chopping them up to make them fit? Which freezer, the big one in your garage or the small one in the kitchen? I could maybe ask your dad if we can use his wood chipper.”
“Oh my god,” I smack his arm. “I was talking about a freezer spell. Not some Texas Chain Saw shit.” Conner doesn’t ask what a freezer spell is, and I don’t bother explaining because that’s not the point. The point is… “I was with Ryan when it happened.”
He freezes next to me, but his voice remains impassive. “Good. I hope he taught them a lesson in manners.”
“He didn’t.”
And that’s why I’m upset. My boyfriend stood there and let me get bullied and didn’t say a thing to stop it. He didn’t even follow me out here while I cried.
Conner sits forward. “I’m sorry. My ears aren’t working right. Did you just say he didn’t do anything about it?”
Shaking my head, I feel bad for even complaining. “I mean, it’s not like I did anything about it either.”
“Yeah well, you’re you.” Conner stands up and looks around. “You never stick up for yourself, Taylor. Which is why Ryan should have for you.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is.”
I’m not having a fight with my best friend over this.
I’m too fragile as it is. Carly, Dean, Nick, Bennet, and Conner are my only friends.
Everyone else is either a mutual or an asshole.
No one likes me because I make jewelry out of bones I find in the woods, and they make fun of me for liking “weird shit”.
Some parents won’t even let their kids come near me.
Like I’m a demon or something. It’s so annoying and stupid and ignorant and immature.
I should put them all in the freezer, honestly. But I don’t do spells like that because I only like to put positivity out in the world. If only some of that good energy would bounce back to me for a change, it would be fantastic.
“Dump his ass,” Conner orders.
“That’s drastic.”
“If he can’t fucking protect you, he’s not worth your time and energy. Get a boyfriend who will defend you.”
“That’s not…”
“Fine. I’ll dump him for you since you’re too nice to do it yourself.” He storms away and I race after him.
“Conner, stop!”
“I’m not about to let this slide, Taylor. Ryan should have stuck up for you.”
“He’s not a confrontational guy.”
“Didn’t say he had to swing fists. But opening his mouth would have helped.”
“That’s still confrontation.” And since I’m the same way, I understand what it’s like to want to say something but don’t.
Besides, they were seniors and Ryan and I are only sophomores.
Those assholes will graduate in a couple more months and will no longer be an issue for me. “It’s fine. Seriously.”
“Names.” He stops walking and thrusts his chin out at me, his eyes hardening. “Give me their names and I won’t say anything to Ryan.”
“What? No.” That would be disastrous. “Conner, just stop. You can’t always jump into my personal life and fuck things up.”
“I’m not fucking your life up, Taylor. I’m being a friend. A friend who can’t stand bullies. I’m not letting anyone get away with hurting your feelings. It isn’t in me.”
I know it isn’t. But…
“Tell me or I’ll find out the hard way and have the guys help.”
Great. Now he’s dragging Nick and the rest of them into it.
Before I can say anything more, Carly comes running over to us. “Oh my god, what a bunch of assholes! Are you okay?” She wraps her arms around my middle and hugs me. “I just heard.”
Great. Bet the whole school is already talking about it.
Carly looks murderous. “I can’t believe Ryan too. Like what a douche. He totally put the bros before his ho today.”
“I’m not a ho,” I say, annoyed.
“You know what I mean.” She hugs me again. “Damn, I wish I’d been there. I would have hit Jonathan upside his fat head with my water bottle.” She waggles the heavy metal container while saying it.
“Jonathan,” Conner repeats, a little surprised. “You mean Ryan’s best friend?”
“That whole friend group cornered her,” Carly snitches.
Con looks over at me and runs a hand down his face. Then he storms away.
That night, Ryan calls and dumps me…
Holding my robe closed, I take in a few deep breaths and try to think this through. If we don’t work out, Conner will leave town. Drastic, yes. But maybe that’s the only way to survive the fallout.
I can’t pack and go or I would instead. My family needs me to help with the business, and I have my work here too.
Besides, I’ve tolerated so much shit around here growing up, that having my shop makes me proud.
It’s like giving everyone who picked on me a big fuck you because now they pay me for my flowers and herbal remedies and bone art and crystals and I’m proud of myself for not tucking tail and changing myself to conform.
Not to mention, there’s a lot more open-mindedness in Bear Creek lately thanks to transplants who moved here from big cities so they can have a “simpler life”.
Whatever that means. No matter where you live, life isn’t simple. It’s what you make it.
Can I live without Conner if this backfires? He’s a part of the fabric of my soul at this point. If we go sideways, can I really say goodbye forever?
I don’t want to find out.
This has to work.
I can’t live without him even for a day. I tried and failed, and it was only for a week when he went to the woods and had no contact.
“Okay,” I say quietly.
“Okay, what?”
“Okay, move away if it doesn’t work out.”
He shifts—not just with his feet, but his energy. There’s defeat etched in the lines around his mouth and his brow furrows. “Okay. Deal.”
Conner bends over and grabs the towel from the floor and wraps it around his waist. Then he heads for the bottom drawer of my dresser where I keep his spare clothes.
I grab his arm and turn him to face me. “You’re never leaving,” I say with all the bravado I can muster. Tears spring to my eyes and I shake his arm to make sure he understands me. “Do you hear me, Con? You are never leaving.”