Chapter 18 #2
Taylor groans. “Ugh, don’t even mention that time of our youth. What a nightmare.”
“How so?” Because I had a blast and she was with me for most of it.
“Homecoming that year ruined all other dances for me. I still carry negative juju from that shit.”
My stomach knots. “What do you mean? I thought you had a great time at HoCo with Feral Daryl.” He was aptly nicknamed that after he got bit by a racoon and had to get rabies shots.
“I didn’t go with him.”
Okay, she’s lost her damn head. “Yes, you did. I remember. He asked you last minute, and you were so excited to go.”
“He did ask me, but…” She flicks a piece of her bread into the fire. “He wanted me to meet him at the park before the dance so we could walk together.”
Okay, that right there is unacceptable. She shouldn’t have had to go anywhere by herself late at night. In a dress and presumably heels. What a fucktwat.
“Why didn’t he just pick you up at your house?”
“Because it was all a joke,” she says, making my chicken salad turn to acid in my gut.
“He asked me on a dare and told me to meet him at the park so we could walk to the dance together. But he never showed up. I went to his house after waiting for an hour, scared something happened to him. He was home playing video games. Stared at me like I was crazy for showing up. Then he called me out in front of all his online friends, which he then put on surround sound so I could hear them laugh through their video game.”
The amount of rage that boils in my veins is going to cause an aneurysm. “Why didn’t I know about this?”
“Because no one knew about it. You, Dean, and Bennet never went to the dance, so it was easy to hide from you all that night.” She shrugs.
“And Nick and Carly didn’t show up either, which I only found out about because when I was walking home super late, I ran into them at the diner, and she apologized for not showing up to the dance.
I went along with it and the next day I pretended that I had a great time when you asked about it. ”
“You mean you lied to me.”
“I didn’t lie. I did have a great time. Just not at homecoming.” She takes another bite of her sandwich and chews as she talks. “Nick, Carly, and I stole her mom’s car, and we went mudding with it.”
“And Daryl got away with humiliating you.”
I hate it here.
“Daryl doesn’t have that kind of power over me, Con. He was a loser. So were his friends. But it hurt my feelings a lot, and I was glad he was one of the cyber school kids, so I didn’t have to see him in the hallways every day.”
Rage boils in my veins. “You should have throat-punched him.”
“That’s a Conner move. Not a Taylor move.”
“No, a Taylor move would be to ignore it and move on.” I look over at her. “It’s not in me to be like that.”
“I know.” She tosses her empty paper plate in the fire. “That’s why I didn’t want you to know.”
“Jesus.” I shoot up and toss my food into the fire and have to walk away. Pacing at the bank, I understand that all this is in the past, but it still makes me outraged. “It could have been me,” I growl, marching back to her.
“What?”
“I came with flowers to ask you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Homecoming!” I yell.
Shit, I’ve got to calm down. This is such a moot point now. History.
Or is it?
“I wanted to ask you to go with me, Taylor.”
“But you didn’t.” She’s calm now too. Her voice is nice and steady. I should tread carefully, but I don’t.
“I didn’t because I heard you were going with that idiot instead.”
“So, you gave up without even trying?”
“You sounded so happy about it.”
“Gee, Con. Wonder why.” She stands up and goes toe-to-toe with me. “It’s nice to be wanted.”
“I wanted you.”
“And you’re telling me this how many years later?”
I’m mad at her, at Daryl, at everyone and especially myself. “I didn’t deserve you then,” I say, feeling ashamed. “I don’t now, either.”
“Goddamnit, Conner. When are you going to stop with the self-loathing?”
“It’s not—”
“It is.” She shoves me. “You can’t see your own worth and it makes me want to throat-punch you.”
“Oh, so me you’ll hit. But when a fucker disrespects you, you tuck tail and slip away.”
“Yeah, because you’re the only person in my life worth hitting!” She slaps my arm, but it’s so half-hearted I barely feel it. “You’re the only one worth my time and energy. Daryl wasn’t, so he didn’t get it. Ryan wasn’t, so he lost it. Not even Austin was worth it!”
I see what she’s trying to say, but all I keep hearing is my father’s voice that day when I bought the corsage. “She’s smart enough to know a dud when she sees one.” My heart’s racing. “That woo-woo girl might be weird as fuck, but she ain’t desperate or stupid.”
Taylor shakes her head. “I don’t even understand how we got to this point tonight. Why are we arguing about dumb shit that happened a lifetime ago?”
“Because I keep seeing how much time I wasted by being a chicken shit!” I admit.
“It’s all that’s racing in circles around my mind.
” I stuff my hands into my hair and pull it.
“I could have saved you so much pain and heartache if I’d come out with my feelings forever ago.
But I’m not good at it. Saying how I feel isn’t in me, Taylor. I’m pathetic.”
“That’s your father talking.” She crosses her arms and glowers at me. “How can you possibly still give that dickturd any more of your energy or headspace, Con?”
“I don’t know.”
She’s right though. I’m not about to deny it.
“Stop.” She closes the space between us and wraps her arms around my waist. “Just stop fighting with me about things that don’t matter.”
“Everything about you matters. Including your past and all the times I should have been there and wasn’t. All the dates we could have been on and didn’t… all because I was too scared to fuck us up.”
“It’s a two-way street, bro.” She cringes. “I mean, Con.” Taylor looks up at me again and runs her nails across my back as she hugs me. “I could have asked you out too, and I didn’t.”
“Nope. Just kissed me and I ruined that too.”
“Wellllll, I kissed you today, and you didn’t push me away.”
I see what she’s doing. She’s trying to diffuse the situation. And I let her because I can’t stand feeling sad and helpless. “That’s true.”
“And we definitely did a lot of kissing.”
“Mm hm.”
“Kissing everywhere.” She playfully draws circles around my abs next. “All kinds of mouth and tongue.”
I want to play along and be over feeling like I’ve failed her for most of our lives, but my heart is crashing out about it. “I’m so sorry.”
“There’s nothing for you to be sorry for.” Taylor cups my face and brings me down for a kiss. “We were kids, Conner. Silly, confused, and scared kids.” She kisses my nose. “And you’ve always been the best part of my life, didn’t you know that?”
My eyes sting. My chest hurts.
“You’re my safe space.” Taylor kisses me softly. “You’re my happy place, Con. Always.”
Since all my words are locked in my throat, I snake my arms round her and kiss her with all the love I’ve harbored since I was a kid. It consumes me. Burns the bad memories away and makes room for lots of new, better ones. “Marry me.”
“Conner.”
“Why wait? Marry me, Taylor.”
She shakes her head, and I think I’m going to die of a heart attack. “Ask me again.”
“Marry me.”
“No. Ask me again later.”
“When?”
“When you know you should ask.” She holds my face steady so I can’t look away from her. “Your emotions are too high right now. You think you need to be in a hurry and that isn’t true.”
This is making me feel like shit. “It is true. Time is—”
“Time is nonexistent with you and I.” She holds my gaze, and the moonlight makes her blonde hair look like a halo dripping down her head. “Time has never mattered with us, and it never will.”
“What if I die tomorrow?”
Taylor’s grip on my face tightens. “Then love me today.”