Chapter 17 #4
That baron’s daughter had been the first of many flirtations, too many to count.
It had felt like he was winning a point against Alina’s rejection every time another girl welcomed his attention.
Like he was convincing himself piece by piece that he didn’t need her.
He had endless options. And if his father considered him a disappointment, so be it.
Xavier wasn’t going to bleed himself dry trying to win the king’s approval.
Theo was there for that, and watching the lengths his brother went to in undertaking the task certainly gave Xavier no taste for it.
Xavier had no need to prove his father’s opinion of him wrong.
Deciding to instead prove him right had felt like having more control.
At least that goal he knew he could succeed in.
He hadn’t completely lost himself all at once.
In those early weeks and months, there were times he was ridden by impetuous defiance, but there were others when he hated himself.
If Alina had magically reappeared then, he would have thrown himself at her feet and begged her not to give up on him, to believe he could be someone of substance, because then maybe he could learn to respect himself again.
But she hadn’t magically reappeared. And as the initial passion of his disappointment had faded, he’d welcomed the hardening he felt in his heart.
He’d even despised himself in a different way for thinking that Alina’s respect would somehow fix him.
He didn’t need fixing. And he didn’t need her respect or anyone else’s.
If they wanted to think he was irresponsible and shallow, he would give them all quite a show.
Xavier hated remembering that time. He didn’t want to relive the powerlessness that had haunted him, and he certainly didn’t want the pain of entertaining regret. But once the floodgates of the memories had been opened, there was no stopping them.
So he sat taciturn through dinner, forced to wrestle through the unpleasantness until his mind was once again free enough to bend back to the reason he’d delved into the past in the first place.
His father’s reaction to that long-ago request. The disapproval, the anger, the satisfaction at ending a connection he’d apparently been unaware of, and had certainly believed shallow and passing.
The king had probably never thought of it again.
None of Xavier’s family had been in on the secret of his heartbreak.
Had it all been nothing more than Xavier had assumed at the time?
Or had there been more to his father’s unwillingness to speak to Alina’s father?
Had some dispute between the merchant and the royal family been the cause of Xavier’s greatest misfortune?
And was it all connected to the sudden and catastrophic failure of Alina’s family’s business that came not so long after?
Xavier retired to bed as soon as the meal was over, not caring that he was going against the reputation for good-humored frivolity that he’d so carefully cultivated.
He didn’t retreat to bed to rest, though. He went to fret with privacy. And his mind was fixated on one subject only.
His feelings toward Alina were no less all-consuming for how complicated they’d become.
Ever since the desert—where his illness-induced unconsciousness had left him powerless to prevent her from weakening herself to the point of collapse to protect him—he’d felt an illogical anxiety for her safety any time they were apart.
He’d been restless and agitated during the days she’d slept off her exertions at her home.
Her reappearance had seemed to settle things down, but Captain Mitchell’s accusations against her had sent Xavier right back into protectiveness.
And the knowledge that she wasn’t in the inn with the rest of the team, under the watchful eye of his guards, was suddenly a splinter his mind couldn’t remove.
After a fruitless hour that brought him no closer to sleep, Xavier got up and dressed himself for outside.
He was tempted to do something outrageous like climb out a window to evade his guards, as he’d done many times before.
But remembering his frustration at the captain’s unjustified claim that he kept slipping off, he acknowledged that it would be absurd to live up to it now.
He stepped outside his door, pausing as the two guards sprang to attention.
“I’m going for a walk,” he said. Both guards had been with him a long time, and knew from his tone not to argue.
Once he was satisfied they wouldn’t protest, he added, “Wear your traveling cloaks. I’d much prefer not to identify myself to every passerby.
” With the words, he twitched the hood of his own cloak over his head.
The three of them moved out of the inn, slipping quietly past the door into the tavern, where the company was still lively.
When they emerged onto the street, the guards fell into step beside Xavier, well-trained enough to know how to not look like guards.
Zuzu, who’d appeared from a nearby tree when Xavier emerged from the inn, wasn’t as good at being inconspicuous.
He gently but firmly refused to let her land on his shoulder.
“Go explore,” he told her quietly. “I don’t want you drawing attention.”
She flapped off in a huff, the beating of her wings almost masking her offended hiss.
Xavier didn’t entirely know the point of the outing, although there were no surprises in the direction his feet took him. His only thought was to reassure himself that Alina was secure, and not far away. Then maybe he would be able to sleep instead of fussing like a mother hen.