Chapter 51
Chapter Fifty-One
Darcy
I ’d just finished one of my mom’s spiritual yoga classes, and I loved how it made my body feel. I was more relaxed than I had been for the last couple of weeks of dealing with Sebastian’s weird and unpredictable moods.
“Thanks for filling the last spot, honey,” my mom said as we rolled up the last yoga mats. “When Gretchen called to cancel at the last second?—”
“You don’t have to thank me, Mom. You know I don’t mind rounding out your sessions,” I said, smiling at her. “Besides, I know you used Gretchen’s absence as an excuse to get me into this session, if only to breathe the incense and be around the salt crystals to enhance my shitty mood.”
“Well, I had to do something, darling,” she said, reaching for my face and pulling down my bottom eyelid so fast I didn’t have time to bat her hand away. “The natural pinks of your inside lids are pale. You’re deficient in iron, and you’re too skinny. I want to know what’s going on between you and Sebastian.”
Mom only became stern when she thought I wasn’t taking proper care of my health, and she was right. I’d all but lost my appetite with this man, and my reaction to the situation was frustrating at best. I seemed to be in a constant state of trying to figure out what was wrong with him. Had I done something to push Sebastian away? It was dumb, I know, but it stressed me out, nonetheless. Things had been so wonderful, and not in a fake, love-bombing way, just to butter me up and then control me or something. It wasn’t that. I knew something was wrong and just wanted things back to normal.
“Darcy,” my mom snapped her fingers in front of my face, bringing my attention back to her, “what’s going on?”
I blinked a couple of times and exhaled, “If I knew what was going on, I could tell you. He’s just acting sort of… off .”
“Well, the winery’s grand reopening is taking place this weekend. Perhaps he’s just stressed about that?”
“I thought it was that too. I also thought it was because his daughter wanted nothing to do with him or me while she was here and clung to the nanny instead. Then, I thought he was homesick, maybe? Trust me, there are many things I’ve thought could be the issue, but he swears up and down that it’s nothing, and he’s just busy.”
“I think it’s the grand reopening,” Mom said. “But it also seems all that dark and negative energy started after Charlotte arrived. Don’t get me started on my feelings about having a full-time nanny. A child’s primary caregiver should always be a parent. I understand many people work and all that, but at the end of the day, the nanny shouldn’t be more familiar to the child than their parent. She needs to spend some time with her father,” she smiled at me, “and even you, my sweet girl.”
“I’m more concerned that Charlotte doesn’t want to be around her dad than I am about whether she likes me after a five-second introduction,” I said. “Besides, Sebastian and I aren’t in a relationship solidly enough for her to get attached to me, especially right now when things are sort of off between us. She’s young, and she’s already lost her mother. She doesn’t need to attach to me only to have us break up.”
“That’s nonsense,” my mother said. “I see how that man looks at you, and I feel the love coming from him every time he’s in your presence. Even at dinner last night, he stared at you as if he couldn’t wait to get you back in your room.”
She chuckled, and I rolled my eyes. “Well, if that’s what you saw, then your spirit guides all mislead you,” I teased with a smile, “because the man took a quick shower and was asleep before I finished brushing my teeth.”
Mom pursed her lips and patted my cheek, “That sounds like a man who is exhausted from stress and worries about the grand reopening of this winery. Nothing to worry about in Lover’s Cove,” she winked. “Okay, well, I don’t want you to worry about this. I’m going to have Antonio get to work on a dinner so scrumptious that it will put some meat back on those bones,” she arched an eyebrow at me. “Baby, you already know nothing on this planet should cause you to worry so much that you lose your appetite, especially when Antonio lives with us.”
“You’re right, but let’s not pretend I’m starving to death, okay? You know me better than that,” I said, tempering my mother’s dramatics. I might not have been chowing down as much as usual, but I certainly wasn’t starving myself over a man. “I didn’t come to your yoga session to make you worry about me.”
“Was there a specific reason why you came?”
“I just wanted to do something kind for you, so you won’t think I’m just up and bailing on the reopening of the winery,” I said. “I just need to get out of here for a while to get my head screwed back on straight.”
“Avoiding, are we?” she arched a reproachful eyebrow.
“I’m not avoiding jack shit,” I affirmed. “I’ve tried to take this head-on with Sebastian, and it’s only pushing him further away. I think we need some time apart to decide if a relationship is what we both want.”
“That’s a responsible way of looking at things. You both did go a bit hard and fast in this relationship,” Mom said.
“Come on, now,” I said, sighing. “I told you the truth about how the relationship came to be. We didn’t fall for each other at first sight. We hated each other.”
“I know, I read that cute article you wrote,” she chuckled. “That’s why I said it happened so fast. I’ve heard of people falling in love from eating grasshoppers like popcorn in Mexico, but love will take time to evolve with a man like Sebastian and his dark and tragic past.”
I inhaled deeply. “This shouldn’t be complicated!” I nearly growled, frustrated I allowed myself to fall for him with the belief that all the obstacles in our way were removed. “But it is. He is. All this shit is, and you know what?”
My voice kept rising in frustration, and if I wasn’t careful, my mother would throw me into an hour-long meditation session to clear out any blockages , and I didn’t need that shit right now, either. I needed to just get out of here.
“What, dear?” she said calmly. “I hate seeing you like this.”
“I hate it, too,” I said in annoyance. “It’s not who I am to feel this way. I didn’t ask for this shit, to feel anything for the man. In fact, I was completely and unashamedly against this guy.”
“That’s what makes your love for one another so adorable,” Mom said with a sigh that pissed me off even more.
“How the fuck is that adorable?” I argued. “It’s what pisses me off about it, and him, and me for falling for him. I was perfectly happy and content in my life, just how it was. Now, look at me. I don’t even have an appetite for Ines’s empanadas. Sebastian should burn for that offense to me alone.”
My mom covered a smile, “Honey.”
“Don’t honey me. I’m frustrated as hell. I hate feeling like this.”
“Like what, exactly? Sebastian is even in the market to find you two a place to live.”
“I know. That’s the confusing part,” I sighed. “I’m with a man who is passionate about us one minute, and the next, he seems a million miles away. None of it makes sense. One minute, he wants to live together; the next, I’m waiting for him to drop the hammer, break it off with me, and move home. My nerves will explode if I stay in this constant state of not knowing.”
“Then why don’t you ask him?”
“Because that’s the most frustrating part about this…” I paused and closed my eyes, preparing to admit what I’d been avoiding. “I’m afraid he’ll just break it off.”
“Oh, dear,” she said, concern thick in her voice. “Darcy, you must never allow a man to have so much control over you. This is a form of codependency that makes me wonder if your father and I did something in your early childhood?—”
“I’m not doing the childhood trauma song and dance right now,” I said firmly. “I’m not doing the abandoned by my real dad I never met shit, either. It might have everything to do with my reaction to Sebastian’s bullshit, but that’s why I need to get away from here. I can’t see him daily, longing for the affection I once got from him so freely. I can’t wonder when or if he’s going to dump my ass over his damn trauma,” I paused and raised a finger in the air, “which I know he is riddled with, and yet, I dared to trust him with my heart anyway. I just need to leave and clear my head. I need to.”
It was painful to be around Sebastian these days. The man was utterly shut down, and I was very uncomfortable because it triggered something inside me that made me want to fix him instead of running away like a well-adjusted woman would. I didn’t like his faults, but I liked my own even less, and they were staring me in the face. Maybe I was more upset with myself than I was with him. I only had control over my actions and reactions, so I needed to use that power on myself and stop trying to use it on him.
“Where are you going to stay?”
“Where do I always stay when I work in Los Angeles?” I said with annoyance.
“Well, I hope Juniper puts you in a decent hotel.”
“Don’t worry about my boss or my job. He could pitch a tent for me on Skid Row, and I’d still have better company than I’ve been dealing with here.”
“Just go find your smile again, sweetheart,” my mom said with a quick pat on my cheek.
“I will, and thank you, Mom,” I said and then worked to get my ass out of the place before Sebastian returned from the winery and started asking questions. Part of me wondered if I was being childish, but I seriously didn’t care.
My nerves were shot to shit, and there was nothing to miss between Sebastian and me since all this started weeks ago when he was irritated by my recommendation of going to the zoo or whatever the hell set him off that morning. Things had only gotten more strained and bizarre between us since then, and I wasn’t in the mood to deal with it anymore.
Maybe Mom was right, and the winery was his problem. It didn’t matter anymore. I wanted a change of scenery and vibe, and this wasn’t the place for that. I knew my parents would have their own stressors once the weekend was here and the reopening events kicked off. Everyone planned to be present for it, including Mommy and Daddy Aster, so all the more reason for me to go.
I still needed to text Avery and Natalia and let them know I was out of here because those two were looking forward to the hot air balloon rides planned for the attendees, one of many cool activities. I hated to bow out like this, but I had to do this for myself.
Our lack of communication appeared to be the real issue here, and I ultimately didn’t know how to deal with it.
I was zipping up my suitcase when Sebastian walked into the room, and I almost jumped into the wall in surprise. I hadn’t expected anyone here at two in the afternoon, much less Sebastian, who’d been working from six in the morning until nearly midnight every night since his daughter left.
“You’re leaving again?” he asked with a hint of concern.
I turned and smiled warmly, the opposite of how I felt inside.
“I have a last-minute assignment,” I lied.
God, what is happening here, Darcy? Are we lying to everyone now? That’s the perfect way to deal with this!
“I would imagine that since your boss and your friends will be here for the reopening of the winery, he wouldn’t ask you to leave and work on a last-minute assignment,” Sebastian stated with justified confusion.
“That’s the thing,” I smiled, wanting to punch myself for being so elusive. “He needs me there so he can be here.”
Why am I still fucking lying? Oh, that’s right. I’m the world’s biggest chicken shit, and I’m afraid my once-perfect boyfriend is going to break up with me. So, lying is obviously the best remedy for all these problems, right?
“That’s ridiculous,” he argued. “I know it is not my place to tell you what to do with your life and career, but when will enough be enough with this job?”
“What does that mean?” I argued.
“What I said,” he answered. “This job is far beneath what you and I both know you’re capable of, yet you still work for the man. He needs you more than you need him.”
“Maybe he does,” I answered, “but that doesn’t mean I won’t lose my job if I insist on staying here and he?—”
Sebastian grinned for the first time in weeks. “Did you just hear yourself?” he chuckled. “He does need you more than you need him, yet you still think that you could lose your job if you don’t give in to his?—”
“Sebastian, stop,” I said, flustered. “You’re right. I know this doesn’t make sense. Hell, nothing makes sense to me right now. I have no idea what is happening with you lately, and I just want to get out of here for a while.”
“Nothing is going on with me,” he said with a frown. “I’m merely trying to accomplish what I set out to do when I came to the winery. Everything seems to be moving along smoothly, but you’re saying something isn’t sitting right with you?”
“No, something isn’t sitting right with me,” I said. “That’s why I need to get out of here.”
“Your mother mentioned that you’re not eating well, which concerned me,” he said.
I sighed and closed my eyes. “You know, unless I swear that woman to silence, she is incapable of keeping things to herself,” I said in irritation. “I’m honestly fine. My mother is being dramatic.”
“Says every woman about to lose her shit on the man who’s unknowingly pissed her off for reasons he has no idea about,” Sebastian answered with concern. “Listen,” he crossed the room and closed the gap between us, “I know I haven’t been attentive lately, but I have been extremely busy.”
“It’s not just that,” I answered him, knowing this was part of the communication lacking between us. “I just feel like something isn’t sitting right with you regarding us. Maybe it’s just me being paranoid, which is completely unlike me, but something feels very off.”
“It’s most likely my busy schedule,” he answered, his expression darkened to the point that it made me feel stupid for talking about the elephant in the room. “I’m sure you’re not used to having a man in your life who struggles to put work behind his personal life.”
“That’s the thing,” I said, “I’m not used to having a man in my life at all. That’s why this is driving me nuts.”
“I’m unsure how to help.”
“You don’t need to help ,” I said, annoyed and wishing he did know how to help. “I just need a break.”
“Do you know when you’ll be back?” he asked.
“Not really,” I said. “I just need some clarity.”
“I’ll miss having you here,” he said with a pang of sadness, but since I was an emotionally insecure mess, I couldn’t decipher why.
“You’ll be busy anyway,” I forced a smile. “Maybe when the grand reopening is all said and done, we can—well, I don’t know. Maybe we can get back to the way we were before?”
“I would love that,” he said, concerned and probably as confused as I was.
My number one concern was that I’d fallen way too hard and way too fast with him, and it was biting me in the ass because I had no idea how to deal with any of it. My last so-called relationships ended in disaster. There was no communication with any of my exes, and whenever I tried to bring up issues with them, there was a lot of gaslighting, telling me I was overreacting or being insecure for no reason. I hated having my feelings dismissed or misinterpreted when my gut told me something was wrong. It happened just now with Sebastian, making me regret ever opening up to him from the get-go.
I didn’t like being told why I was feeling how I was feeling, especially from someone who was making excuses for their behavior. It made me question my sanity because I knew the things that were bothering me, and Sebastian’s workaholism wasn’t the issue.
I didn’t know what the bigger problem was at this point: Sebastian’s distance or my reaction to it. All I knew was I couldn’t figure that out from here.