1. Carlee
Chapter 1
Carlee
Three years ago …
As I enter the diner, I smile and wave at the two ladies standing behind the counter. I’m meeting Emma Phoenix, my best friend, here for breakfast. Heading toward the back of the restaurant, I take a seat at our usual booth. This place has become a regular haunt for us.
I’ve been living in Gardena, California, for around four years. I moved here, from Temecula, a few months after my twenty-first birthday. That’s how I met Emma. She’s been my neighbor for three of those years and has quickly become a godsend in my life. The dynamic Reece and I have is vastly different from the one me and Emma share. She’s my first real girlfriend. She was also the first person to tell me she loved me, not knowing at the time what those three words meant to me. I’ll always cherish her for that.
The apartment I’m living in now is owned by Reece’s cousin, Brandon. Brandon went on an extended backpacking tour around Europe, and I wanted a fresh start. So far it has worked out perfectly. Reece made a verbal agreement, so there’s no lease. Not that my mother would ever bother to come looking, but it would be impossible for her, or anyone associated with her, to find me here if they did.
Although I miss Reece, life here is good. I have a great job managing a local bar, and a cherished friendship with the sweet girl next door.
When I was thirteen years old and Roxy kicked me out, I had nowhere to go. I was destined for the streets until Reece stepped in and offered me a room in the apartment above the gym he owned.
When I graduated high school, Reece got me a job at the bar where he bounced at night. He’d long left the strip club; he didn’t want to associate with Roxy after what she’d done to me. That’s how I got into the hospitality industry. College was never on the radar. I was only eighteen when I started working there, so I cleaned tables and served food until I turned twenty-one and was able to serve alcohol. In my downtime, I taught self-defense classes at the gym.
I had no intentions of leaving my old life in Temecula, it was my home, all I knew, but when I heard my mother was still hanging around with the man who almost destroyed me when I was a child, I was left with no choice. Call it self-preservation, but I needed to get as far away from her as I could, cutting all ties once and for all. I should’ve learned my lesson long before that.
We never really had a relationship anyway. Not a healthy one. The wounds I’d collected over the years ran deep.
I was happy and safe under the care of Reece. He gave me a real chance at a good life. One I’ve never taken for granted. I owe that man everything. Although he doesn’t have children of his own, he’s been more of a parent than either of the fuckups that created me .
Living with him had allowed me to see what stability looked like. I was cared for, cocooned in a bubble of contented bliss.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to forgive Roxy for the things she’s done, but I also know that carrying hate around in my heart won’t serve me well. Grudges are like poison, they’re difficult to get rid of once you allow them to settle in. The last thing I want is to be bitter and resentful like her.
It’s been impossible to forget the years of abuse I’ve been subjected to; I still carry the scars from where she used my skin as an ashtray, and that’s just the visible damage.
All these years later there’s a part of me that’s still broken inside. I don’t do sleepovers, I can’t. I have no problem with the act of sex, maybe because I was unconscious when my innocence was stolen. It’s hard to be traumatized by events you don’t remember. My nightmares extend from the thought of waking up with someone lying beside me.
My trust issues hinder me from ever having a serious, long-term relationship. It’s just another thing that sick fuck stole from me. To this day I religiously lock my bedroom door each night, even going as far as checking behind the curtain, under the bed, and inside the closet like some kind of freak. It’s become a sick compulsion that I can’t let go of. I even have to sleep with the light on; not because I’m afraid of the dark, but because I need to be aware. To be prepared for whatever threat may be lurking in the shadows. I trusted Reece with my life, but I even struggled to live under the same roof as him in the beginning.
The sad truth is, my mother and her misguided loyalty is a lost cause. Everybody has a line, and she’s more than crossed mine. She leapt over that motherfucker without a second thought about me or my welfare.
I’m more than done with her bullshit.
I’ve had to train my mind not to think about her. She’s like a constant black cloud hanging over my head, but for my own survival, I had to let her go once and for all. Nobody knows the true extent of her selfishness. Not even Reece; I never told him the real reason I showed up at his gym that fateful morning. To this day all he knows is my mother kicked me out, and being the beautiful soul he is, he didn’t hesitate to take me in. Loyal to a fault. Roxy could certainly take a leaf out of his book.
I’ve given Emma tiny snippets of my past, but I do my best to shut the conversation down whenever she broaches it. Opening that Pandora’s box and sinking down that rabbit hole is not an option for me; no good will come from reliving my childhood. It’ll forever be my dirty little secret , something I’ll take with me to the grave.
It’s been a long road getting to where I am today, but I’ve finally accepted I’m better off without Roxy in my life. Reece and Emma have shown me my worth, and they’re all the family I need.
Sometimes blood isn’t thicker than water.
“Hey, hon,” the waitress says, coming to a stop beside the booth where I’m sitting, pulling me back into the present. “Can I get you something to drink while you wait for your friend?” I look down at the time on my phone. Emma should’ve been here twenty minutes ago.
“I’ll wait,” I reply. “She shouldn’t be far off.”
“Sure thing, darlin’. I’ll head on back when she gets here.”
Emma and I have been coming here for breakfast on the first Saturday of every month for the past two years. It’s what she calls her Sinful-Saturday. The one day she doesn’t watch her calorie intake. She had an eating disorder when she was in her teens, and she’s still mindful of everything that passes her lips.
Emma’s childhood was very different to mine. She comes from a loving home, but she still has her demons. She was bullied throughout high school about her weight and even tried to end her life when things got too much. She’s come a long way since then. She’s found what works for her and she’s flourishing. I truly admire her for that.
She’s beautiful on the inside and out, but those assholes she went to school with really did a number on her. She’s the kindest person I know, sweetness right to the bone, and I hate how the damage they caused still follows her around. She has such a sensitive soul. I gave up caring what people thought of me years ago. There was only one person’s validation I craved, and I was never going to get that. So, if Emma needs to watch what she eats to maintain balance in her life, who am I to judge? I have my own hang-ups.
There’s nothing wrong with falling, it’s staying down that’s the problem.
I pick up my phone and start typing out a message. Emma usually beats me here. Her car was gone when I left the apartment complex earlier, and I know she stops at her favorite bakery for her jelly donut fix. But I’m still concerned. If she was unexpectedly held up, she would’ve let me know.
Carlee: Just checking you’re okay.
As I go to press send, the bell above the door chimes, drawing my attention in that direction. As soon as I see Emma I can tell something’s wrong. She looks flustered and on the verge of tears .
I place down my phone and stand, stepping out of the booth.
“Hey,” I say with concern, approaching her. My stomach drops when I see tears welling in her eyes. It’s rare to see her upset; she’s always so nauseatingly happy. “Em.” Without even thinking I open my arms and she collapses into them. My protective streak comes out when she starts to sob against my shoulder. “Who do I have to kill?”
A few moments later, Emma pulls back and wipes her eyes. “Nobody,” she replies, forcing out a smile. “Don’t mind me, I’m just being ridiculous.”
There’s more to this. She doesn’t break down for no reason. Hooking my arm through hers, I carefully lead her toward our table. “Come sit. Tell me what’s made you so upset.”
I wait until we’re both seated before I reach for her hand. “Spill.”
Emma looks down at her lap and sighs. “I met a guy.”
“Okay, and this is a bad thing?”
She lifts one shoulder. “I ran into him just now… literally,” she says, making eye contact again. “This guy was so hot, Car, like seriously melt-your-panties-off-good-looking.” After pausing to blow out a puff of air, she continues. “He was also bossy, and kind of infuriating, but so damn hot. I said that already, right?”
When a smile tugs at her lips, I release a small laugh. “You did, but I’m guessing he was hot enough that it required repeating.”
“Most definitely.” She fans her face, making me chuckle. “Way too hot for a girl like me.”
“Enough of that,” I snap. “You’re a babe, there’s not a guy on this earth that wouldn’t be worthy of you. ”
“That’s sweet of you to say.” I know she doesn’t believe me, but it’s the truth.
“So, you ran into a hot guy,” I probe, trying to get to the bottom of this. “I get that part, but what am I missing? You were heartbroken when you got here. Did he say something to upset you?”
She shakes her head. “It wasn’t what he said exactly.”
“He didn’t hurt you in any way, did he?” Just the thought of someone getting physical with her makes my blood boil.
“No, not physically. Maybe it’s best if I start from the beginning.”
I nod, squeezing her hand for encouragement before letting go, and she continues.
“After I bought my donut, I was walking back to my car. I’ve waited an entire month for one of those babies, and jelly donuts are life.” I’m grinning as I listen to her. She’s so animated and I love how much she worships those damn donuts. Kind of like me with burgers… or food in general. “So, I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and took a bite because come on, jelly donut . My eyes were closed as I absorbed all the sugary goodness, and I’m pretty sure I moaned like a porn star.”
This time I throw my head back and cackle. Christ, I love this girl.
“That’s when the stupidly hot guy entered. He walked straight into me, knocking the donut out of my hand in the process.”
I gasp, in a teasing way. “I’m so sorry, Em.”
Emma rolls her eyes. “That’s not what made me cry, bitch.”
“I’m just messing with you. Did you kick him in the balls at least?”
“Of course not. I don’t have your ninja skills.” We both laugh at that comment. “I was seriously pissed at him, but despite that…” She pauses for a moment. “… okay, you’re going to think this is crazy because I know you don’t believe in this kind of thing, but we connected. I’m certain he felt it too. There was this magnetic pull between us.”
“So, you bonded over a jelly donut lying on the sidewalk?”
“No silly. It was just… I don’t know, I can’t explain it, but it was there I swear. I’ve never felt anything like it before.”
“And that’s why you were so upset?”
She exhales a large breath. “No.”
“Did you get his number at least?”
She shakes her head. “I never would’ve asked for his number; you know what I’m like, but if he had asked for mine…” She shrugs, staring down at the table. “It’s irrelevant anyway because everything went to shit when he noticed the scars on my wrists. He freaked out and couldn’t get away fast enough.” When she looks up again, I see the tears welling in her eyes.
“Oh, babe.”
Her breath hitches. “His reaction brought back all the shame from my past.”
The waitress chooses that moment to approach our table to take our order. Emma looks away, discreetly wiping her eyes. I know she’s embarrassed, poor thing. She has such a gentle soul; she’s like the yin to my yang.
Picking up the menu, I quickly place my order, giving her a moment to collect herself.
When the food arrives, I tuck straight into mine, I’m starved, but Emma just pushes hers around the plate. It concerns me because it’s her Sinful-Saturday… her feast da y. This guy’s judgment has messed with her mojo. Only a wuss would be scared off by a few tiny scars.
“Hey, why aren’t you eating?” I ask. “Don’t let that twat-waffle in your head, Em. He doesn’t know you, or what you’ve been through.”
“I know. It just rattled me, I guess.”
“Well, don’t let it. Who cares what some hot guy thinks? Hot guys are seriously overrated.”
“Totally,” she says, fighting a smile.
“Tonight, we’re going out to paint the town red. Fuck all the haters. You, me, some cocktails and dancing. It’s what you need. Just the two of us… a girls’ night. A dick-free zone.”
She nibbles on her bottom lip, but I’m not giving in. She needs to let loose and forget, otherwise she’ll spend the entire weekend wallowing. I hate seeing her like this.
“Come on, it’ll be fun,” I encourage, nudging her foot with my own under the table.
“Sure, okay. Sounds good.”
Her response is half-hearted, but I’ll make it my mission to see she lets loose tonight and forgets. That’s the problem with pain, if you let it fester enough it will slay you. Like a wild beast clawing at your insides. I refuse to let that happen to either one of us.