10. Carlee
Chapter 10
Carlee
(11 years old)
As soon as the school bell sounds announcing the end of the day, I leap out of my chair, grab my backpack, and dash for the door. I don’t even bother to stop at my locker to store my books inside. I’m too excited.
The past year things have been looking up. If I’m honest, I’ve gotten a taste of the good life, but I know my recent experiences are just the tip of the iceberg. Today is the day of new beginnings. It’s the day I’m going to get that happier ever after I’ve always wished for. Something that once felt so far out of my realm, I was foolish for even thinking it was a possibility, but thankfully I was wrong. Meeting Reece was a lucky break for a kid like me, and him posting those letters to my dad in prison is what brings me to this very moment.
We’re finally going to meet.
Eeep!
Well, technically he was around when I was little, so we’ve already met, but I don’t remember much about that time. It’s been eight long years and I can’t begin to tell you how eager I am to see him again. I’ve dreamt of this day.
Cutting across the lawn at the front of the school, I bypass the bus I usually take home. It’s traveling in the opposite direction to where I want to go. I’ve been writing back and forth with my father for the past six months. Thanks to Reece . Roxy went ballistic when she found out, apparently, she’s still harboring a lot of anger toward him for going to prison and lumbering me with her. I’m pretty sure he didn’t have a say in it. Nevertheless, he’s my dad, she can’t stop me from communicating with him.
In his last letter, my father informed me he was being released. He said he couldn’t wait to see me. The feeling was mutual. I haven’t been able to think of anything else over the past few weeks.
My heart is thundering so hard in my chest as I race toward my destination; I hope it doesn’t give out before I get there. I’m so happy I could squeal, and I’m by no means a squealer. Today is the day my life changes for the better. Sure, I can’t abandon Roxy, despite everything rotten she’s done, she’s my mom. But having my dad back in my life will be amazing—the start of a brighter future. And I cannot wait.
That’s why I’ve arranged to meet him at Reece’s new gym this afternoon. I don’t want my mother to ruin this for me. Reece has been nothing but supportive and he’s become a huge part of my life over the past six months. He’s my first real friend.
After our initial meeting at Juicy Lucy’s, bags of food started appearing regularly on my front porch. They were always dropped off sometime during the night, or early morning. He’d come a few times a week, always leaving enough essentials to get me by until his next visit. One day I decided to stay up, waiting for my fairy godfather to show, because in my heart I already knew it was him. Who else could it be?
It was just after 5:00 am when I saw the car lights approaching in the distance. He didn’t park out the front of our trailer, instead choosing to pull over further down the road. I was sitting in the far corner on the front porch, completely shielded by the dark.
I watched on as he got out of his vehicle and removed a bag from the back seat. He casually strolled toward our trailer, tiptoeing up the front steps and across the threshold.
“Hey,” I said, standing as he bent to place the bag down.
“Jesus, kid.” He stood back to full height, retreating a step.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” I held my hands up in front of me, letting him know I didn’t mean any harm.
“You didn’t scare me,” he scowled. “I just wasn’t expecting you to be out here is all. Are you locked out?”
I stepped out of the shadows, moving toward him. “No, I was waiting for you. I wanted to say thank you… you know, for all this.” I pointed to the bag that was now lying by his feet.
“It’s no big deal,” he replied, flicking his hand and trying to wave it off.
No big deal. Is he kidding? It was huge. Who continually shows up at a stranger’s house with food, expecting nothing in return? Nobody I know that’s for sure.
I thought carefully about my next words. “It’s…” I paused for a moment trying to get my emotions in check. I was worried I’d scare him off if I turned into a blubbering mess. I’d hate for that to happen. Even if the food stopped coming, I liked the fact that someone gave a shit about me. “It’s umm… it’s everything,” I finally managed to say, blinking away the tears. “It means more to me than you’ll ever know. ”
Reaching up, he rubbed the back of his neck, and I knew I was making him feel uncomfortable. “I get it, kid,” he replied. “I’m just glad I’m in a position to help.”
“Are you rich?”
“No,” he chuckled. “I bounce between the strip club and the bar on O’Connell Street. The pay’s okay, but it’s not going to make me rich any day soon.”
I shrugged. “Who needs money right?”
“Me,” he said. “I’m saving up to buy my own gym.” I didn’t miss the way his face lit up as he spoke those words. “That’s my big dream, kid.”
“To own a gym?” My dream was to get out of this hellhole.
“Yeah. I’ll teach martial arts and self-defense classes… stuff like that. People need to know how to protect themselves, especially in this day and age.”
He suddenly looked really sad as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants and dropped his gaze to the floor. I knew that look well, and it made me wonder if there was a reason why he wanted to teach people how to protect themselves. Had something bad happened to him?
“I bet it will be awesome,” I said, not knowing what else to say.
“Yeah, it will be,” he replied as the smile returned to his face. “You can come do some free classes when it’s up and running.”
“Really? I’d like that.”
And that’s how our friendship blossomed. He no longer drops food off at the trailer because I’m at the gym every afternoon after school, and again on weekends. Roxy never questions my whereabouts. She’s probably glad to see the back of me, to be honest.
Reece feeds me while I’m there, and teaches me lots of cool ninja stuff. Despite his protests, in return I help out where I can, painting, sweeping, vacuuming, or cleaning windows. Sometimes I run errands for him. Nothing comes for free in this world. And this way I get to give back instead of feeling like a charity case. I’ve never questioned him as to why he’s so kind to me, although, I often wonder. I’m just grateful to have him in my life for as long as he wants me around.
I burst through the front door of the gym and fist pump Michelle, who mans the front desk on my way past. I don’t need to ask where Reece is, he’s usually finishing up one of his classes when I arrive straight from school.
“Killer,” he says, smiling the moment he spots me heading his way. That’s my new nickname since I brought one of Reece’s regulars to his knees in a sparring match a few weeks ago. “Watch this one,” he said to the rest of the class after the incident. “She may be scrappy but she has a lot of heart.”
“Hey, Reece,” I reply, bouncing on my feet as I come to a stop in front of him. I’m struggling to contain my excitement. I can’t remember the last time I felt this happy.
“Today’s the big day.”
“I know. I can’t wait.”
“Good, good,” he says ruffling my hair as the smile on his face widens. “Come, I’ll make you a sandwich before he arrives.”
Reece lives in the apartment above the gym. It has a small kitchen and bathroom up there, as well as a sofa that pulls out to a bed. The living area is huge. He doesn’t even own a television, saying it’ll rot your brain, which is total baloney, but I don’t call him out on it. He plans on making it into a real home when he can afford it, by putting up some internal walls, but I think it’s pretty cool just the way it is.
We head up the stairs and I follow him into the kitchen. “PB and J?” he asks, reaching for the loaf of bread.
“Please.” He makes me the same sandwich every day, peanut butter and jelly, because he knows it’s my favorite.
I sit on the barstool and watch him work. When he’s done, he slides the plate across the counter toward me. “Milk?”
“Thanks,” I answer.
“There’s some bananas over there if you’re still hungry when you’re done.”
I screw up my face making him chuckle. Reece is a health freak, and he’s always trying to add fruit and vegetables to my diet. Grape jelly counts as fruit, right?
I hook into my food as he rounds the counter, grabbing a plastic bag off the sofa. “I bought this for you today.”
My eyes dart to him when he places the bag beside my plate. “What is it?” I ask.
“Open it and see.”
The food is quickly forgotten as I scoop it up, rummaging inside. Nobody ever buys me gifts.
I pull out a new pair of jeans, they have sparkly beads lining the pockets, and a matching tie that’s threaded through the belt loops. There’s also a white T-shirt in the bag that has a colorful butterfly on the front.
“You bought me clothes?” I ask, trying to contain my exhilaration. They still have the tags on them. I’ve never owned anything so beautiful before.
“I thought you’d want to look your best for your dad,” he replies with a shrug. “Maybe he’ll want to take you somewhere.”
“Take me somewhere? Like away from here?”
He must see the worry on my face because he quickly adds, “I mean for a meal or something like that.”
“Oh, right. Of course. I’d like that.” With my panic subsided, I leap off the stool, throwing my arms around his waist. “Thank you for my new clothes.”
He pats my back awkwardly. I’ve never hugged him before. When I release him, he clears his throat and takes a step back. “You’re umm… welcome,” he says, scratching the back of his head. I look down at the clothes still clutched in my hand in disbelief. “Finish your sandwich and then you can get changed in the bathroom. I’m going to head back downstairs. Come down when you’re ready.”
With that, he turns and heads toward the door that leads back to the gym. I’m glad he doesn’t turn around, because if he did, he’d see the tears that are now welling in my eyes. How did I get so lucky?
I descend the stairs adorned in my new clothes, and you wouldn’t be able to wipe the smile off my face if you tried. It’s the first time I remember ever wearing something new.
Reece’s lips turn up at the corners the moment he sees me, giving a subtle nod of approval. Michelle tells me I look beautiful. Nobody has ever told me I looked beautiful before.
“Girl, give me a twirl,” she encourages. I spin in a circle and notice a brush in her hand the moment I’m facing her again. “Want me to braid your hair?” She nods to the stool behind her desk and I climb up.
I wonder if Reece asked her to do that?
A lump rises to my throat as she runs the brush through the strands. My mom has never done anything like this for me.
“You have the most amazing hair, and don’t even get me started on your flawless skin.” I tuck my arms behind my back, sitting on my hands. She obviously hasn’t noticed the tiny round burn marks marring my skin. After securing the hair tie, she grabs her handbag from under the desk, rummaging through it. “Pucker up,” she says, holding up a tube of pink lip gloss.
It’s the first time I’ve ever worn makeup. I’ve watched Roxy apply hers countless times, and I’ve been tempted to try it on when she’s not home, but she’d kill me if she found out I was using her stuff.
Could this day get any better? I feel like Cinderella . I only hope my father will be able to recognize me when he arrives. If I was to look in a mirror right now, I probably wouldn’t know myself.
“I’d kill for your lips.”
What?
She must see the horror on my face because she quickly adds, “They’re so full, women pay big money to achieve what you have naturally.” I give her a small smile because I still don’t understand what she’s trying to say. “There you go, perfect. You’re going to break some hearts when you grow up, Miss Carlee. ”
I smile at her words, even though I’m unsure what she means. I know what heartache feels like, and I’d never want to inflict that kind of pain on anyone else.
“You ready, killer?” Reece asks, coming to stand beside me.
I look up at the clock on the wall. “So ready. Thank you for letting me meet him here.”
He should arrive anytime now. I told him I’d be here around four and it’s almost half past.
“Don’t sweat it, kid.”
I take a seat on one of the chairs adjacent to the reception desk, my legs swinging nervously back and forth as I wait. I have a perfect view of the entrance from here.
My eyes keep glancing toward the front door… the longer I wait the more edgy I become.
“I’m nervous,” I admit, giving Reece a tight smile. “What if he doesn’t like me?” I don’t mean to say those words out loud, but the closer it gets to his visit the more freaked out I’m becoming.
“Not possible. Besides, he’s your dad, he has to like you.” He smiles, trying to make light of the situation, but that doesn’t mean anything to me. My mom hates me the majority of the time. Oh God . That thought almost sends me over the edge.
Please don’t hate me, Dad .
I stay rooted to the spot, my eyes constantly flicking to the clock. It’s been over an hour now, he’s late. Reaching into the back pocket of my jeans, I retrieve the last letter my dad wrote me. I stuffed it in there before coming downstairs, along with his baseball cap. I love that hat, but I thought he might want it back. I don’t need it to feel close to him anymore… I’m going to have him instead.
Quickly scanning over his reply, I double-check the date he mentioned in his letter. “It’s the 22 nd today, right?” I ask Michelle, who’s been watching me curiously from behind the desk.
“Sure is, sweetie.”
The corners of my lips turn up slightly, but I don’t say anything in return. He’ll be here soon he’s probably caught in traffic.
Rising from the chair, I head toward the front door and Michelle catches my movement.
“Oh my God, is he here?” she squeals with enthusiasm.
“No, not yet. I’m going to check outside.”
“Ah. Okay.”
My gaze moves from one end of the street to the other. I don’t even know what kind of car he has. That sets my mind wondering. Imagine if he arrives in a flashy sports car; I’ve never been inside a car like that. What if he has the top down and takes me for a spin around town? That would be so cool.
I pace the sidewalk, all the while scanning the area for any signs of him. As time passes, that feeling of dread returns. Maybe I’m expecting too much. Maybe he won’t arrive in a sports car. I don’t care what kind of vehicle he drives I just want to see him. To be honest, he could arrive on a bicycle or even on foot… I wouldn’t mind at all.
“Hey,” Reece says, popping his head out the door. “You all right out here?”
“Yep.”
“Any sign of him yet?”
“No. He must be running late.”
He nods. “I’m sure he’ll be here soon.” His words are meant to encourage me, but I see the truth on his face. He’s doubtful.
“What time is it?” I ask.
He looks down at his watch. “Almost six.” I cringe. “ Why don’t you come in and wait? It’s getting cold out here.”
“Okay,” I begrudgingly agree.
I follow him back inside, but instead of sitting by reception, I take a seat on the carpet in front of the large windows. I have a better view from here.
As time drags on, I rest my elbows on my knees, dropping my head and burying my face in my hands. It’s well after seven now and I’m struggling to hold the tears back, but I only have myself to blame. You create your own heartache with expectations, right? If you expect nothing, you can never be disappointed.
“How you holding up, kid?” Reece asks, squatting down beside me.
“He’s not coming, is he?”
I lift my head and glance at him over my shoulder when he doesn’t reply. The pained look on his face tells me everything his words don’t. Yet, my eyes still plead with him for an answer, but in my heart, I already know the truth, and it hurts way more than I want to admit.
Why am I such a hard person to love?
Standing quickly, I wipe my eyes with the heel of my palms. I’m ready to get out of here. I take one last look outside the window and spot a man across the road. He has what appears to be a map in his hand, and he’s studying the buildings that line that side of the street. My heart thunders in my chest.
He came .
“I think that’s him,” I squeal, already making my way toward the exit.
“Carlee,” Reece yells from behind me, but I don’t stop. I’m on a mission.
Leaping off the curb, I frantically check either way for traffic before running across the road. The man has already started walking again; he’s now further down the street.
“Dad,” I call out. Even though his back is toward me, I’m waving my arms in the air as I go, trying to gain his attention. “Dad, it’s me, Carlee.”
When he doesn’t stop or turn around, I pick up the pace. I feel like I’m running for my life, when in fact I’m running toward it… toward my future. He came . For once I wasn’t let down.
He didn’t forget about me.
He does love me.
“Dad,” I call out again. “Dad… Daddy.” When I’m within reach, I tug on the back of his jacket, finally making him come to an abrupt stop. “Dad, it’s me. Carlee. Your little girl.” Although I’m out of breath, the smile on my face is huge.
His eyebrows pull together as he glares down at me from over his shoulder, confusion on his face. “I’m sorry, miss, you must have me mistaken for someone else. I don’t have any children.”
“No, no, you’re wrong,” I cry as the tears I’ve been holding in all afternoon flood my eyes. “You have to be him. You’re here to save me. I… I need you. I can’t do this on my own anymore. You promised. Look I have your cap, see.” I tug it out of my back pocket. “I kept it for you.”
His lips pull into a tight line but I see compassion in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he says again.
I’m silently pleading for him to admit he’s wrong. To tell me he’s made a terrible mistake and he really is my dad. His gaze moves behind me just as I feel two strong hands come to rest on my shoulders, squeezing slightly. And my heart shatters a little more. I don’t need to turn around to know who it is. It’s certainly not my father. He’s not coming after all . He doesn’t love me either. It’s just another thing to add to the already long list of disappointments that are my parents.
Why did they have me if neither of them wanted me?
“Hey, killer,” Reece says in a soft voice when we pull up outside my trailer. He places his hand on my knee, gripping it. I appreciate that he’s trying to be gentle with me, but I’m hanging on by a thread as it is. I haven’t said a word the entire drive here. I even ignored his offer of a hamburger. Food is the last thing I want. My gut is all churned up inside. I’m numb… I’m humiliated… I’m heartbroken . “I’m so sorry about today.”
I glance over at him as a few stupid tears leak from my eyes. I hate showing my weakness, but my emotions are all over the place. It feels like any hope I had for a brighter future just went up in smoke.
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” I say, trying to hold in the sob. “You are the one good thing in my life.”
His eyes glass over and he dips his head before clearing his throat. “Some of the most poisonous people come disguised as family, believe me, I know.” He’s never spoken about his kin before, but he sounds like he’s speaking from experience. Is that why he’s been so kind to me? His eyes meet mine again. “I want you to listen to me, Carlee, strength, and growth come from continued struggle. And you may not feel like it in this moment, but you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. You’re going to be okay; I promise you that.”
I nod, wiping my eyes. I’ve survived worse . I have so many questions, but I can’t deal with anything right now. I want to go to bed and forget today ever happened.
Reaching for the handle, I open the car door. “Thanks for the new clothes,” I say before I exit the vehicle. “I’m sorry you wasted your money.”
“Don’t be silly. It was worth it just to see you smile.” I nod, as the lump returns to my throat. “I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”
“Yeah.”
Going to the gym, and seeing Reece and the other guys, is the highlight of my day. At least they want me around.
I get out, closing the door behind me. I stop when I reach the front porch and take a few deep breaths before I enter the trailer. Roxy’s home and she’s the last person I want to see right now.
That sentiment is only amplified the second I step inside. “Where the hell have you been?” she slurs before placing a straw under her nose with shaky hands, then leaning over the table where two neat lines of white powder sit. My eyes scan around the space, noticing all the empty beer cans. It seems like she’s spent her day having a party for one. I straightened up before I left for school this morning. It’s amazing how she can always find the money for drugs, liquor, makeup, and new dresses, but never enough to feed her child.
I hate her; I hate this miserable life.
“I needed you to go to the laundromat for me,” she sniffs, placing her finger under her nostril, sucking the residue up her junkie-ass nose. “I’ve run out of panties.”
I pause, giving her words a moment to sink in. She’s kidding, right? I’m the damn kid here, when did washing her laundry become my job? Why she even bothers wearing panties is beyond me. It’s not like she keeps them on for long.
“Here’s a thought, why don’t you get off your lazy ass and be a parent for once in your miserable life. You’re a disgrace.”
“What did you say?” she screams, standing and taking a step toward me. I don’t usually poke the bear when she’s under the influence, but today I have no fucks to give. She raises her hand as she approaches, ready to strike, but I don’t even flinch. Nothing she can do will hurt me more than I’m already hurting.
Squaring my shoulders, I stand taller. “Go to hell, Roxy. I’m not in the mood for your bullshit tonight.”
She falters for a second before throwing her head back and laughing. It makes my anger rise. When she wraps her hands around her stomach and doubles over, my tiny hands ball into fists. It takes every ounce of restraint I have not to sock her one.
I stand there seething until she gets herself under control. “When did you get a backbone?”
“Leave me alone,” I say, turning and heading toward my bedroom.
“Hold on.” I glance over my shoulder briefly, but I don’t stop walking. “Where did you get those clothes from?” Advancing toward me, she reaches out, fisting my new shirt in her hands and tugging me backward. I stumble. “Did you steal them?” The humor she just showed is gone. Her glassy eyes are now narrowed into slits.
“No, I didn’t steal them.”
“Well, where the fuck did you get them then?”
“None of your business,” I say, spinning around to face her.
“Have you been whoring yourself around? Is that how you got them? ”
Her words stun me. What the hell . “No, Mom!” She hates it when I call her that, she says it makes her feel old. “One whore in the family is enough.”
“You little bitch,” she yells, yanking me forward by the neck of my T-shirt. When I hear a tear, I want to lash out at her, but I don’t get a chance. Instead, I’m forced to bring my hands up to cover my face as she starts laying into me… blow after blow.
It’s a fitting end to the most fucked-up day ever!